ECW on Sci-Fi #34 01/30/2007

When we last joined ECW, Test earned a title shot against Lashley by losing to Lashley.

Bobby Lashley vs. Test (ECW World Title)

We get a promo package for ”DA ULTRA INTENSE CHALLENGER” which must be Tazz-speak for ”failed a drug test.” I for one am shocked the guy who got ”STEROIDS” chanted at him every week was on the juice. At least he was getting a response, unlike tonight where he gets crickets. These two hosses are following an impressive, fast-paced MNM vs. Hardys match so WWE must have really wanted fans to buy merch.

Lashley mounts Test as Tazz struggles for the correct term to use, going from ”ridden” to ”get rid.” Test chokes Lashley as the commentators remind us Test lost last week. They’re wringing the last drops of credibility out of Test while putting over Lashley, so it sounds like The Zodiac is on commentary: ”Test is the Impact Player…who lost clean last week.” Test gets a suplex and takes a breather outside before shoving Lashley into the turnbuckle. Near-fall and Test goes to the chinlock, then the arm-bar. There wasn’t a transition, he just changed his mind. Test throws Lashley into the post again, gives him an arm-stunner and resumes the armbar. At least he’s got a strategy. Lashley recovers and back drops Test with such force Test lands on his arse. Charges in the corner by Lashley and he tries to press slam Test but his arm gives out because of THE TEST so he gets Impact Player Kicked in the face for two. Test tries for the TestKO but Lashley slithers out and delivers an Overhead Belly To Belly (with no problem, make your mind up). Test gets clotheslined outside but declines to continue and waits for the ref to count him out like a bitch.

Post-match Lashley throws Test back in and beats him up some more. Crowd chants ”ECW” because they must have seen someone wearing an Ian Rotten shirt in the third row and Lashley gives Test a Running Powerslam.

Winner: Lashley (You can’t have a good match or feud when you’re trying to do completely opposite things with someone. Given how Test was given a title shot for losing and being a dick, he’ll probably get another title shot for running away from the match. Match was the free salad you get with a takeaway: You didn’t order the food for it and it tastes shitty anyway.)


Cold open with Vince McMahon and his magnificent-looking suit power-walking backstage. He compliments Marquis Cor Von and insults The Sandman for drinking on the job. Vince sings ”Mister Sandman” and promises change for ECW tonight. Sandman smashes the beer over his head and continues to read his newspaper.

CM Punk vs. Matt Striker

Striker’s banana hammock is ri-dong-culous. I’d take a screenshot but if Brooke isn’t allowed to shake your assets then Striker’s Think Tank would get me fired quicker than Joey Styles in EVOLVE. Punk sends Striker out straight away as we’re reminded of the Kelly Kelly relationship that appears to have gone now. Weird to bring it up. Striker attacks Punk coming back in and plants him with a rope-elevated neckbreaker for two. Striker continues pin-fall attempts to wear down Punk before getting him in a chinlock. If he wanted the submission, he should start whispering into Punk’s ear how his chinlock is similar to the split-up of the Russian Social Democratic Labour Party into Majority and Minority factions until Punk taps out. Luckily years of listening to AFI have damaged Punk’s hearing so he powers out and slams Striker and follows with the flying knee/bulldog combo. Punk connects with a Double Underhook Into A Backbreaker but it only gets two. Punk sends Striker into the corner, Striker gets hit and Punk lands a Sunset Flip…which Striker counters and grabs the ropes for the Dirty Pin.

Winner: Matt Striker (Not as good as last week but Punk continues to make Striker look good, which is still a bit ”putting the cart before the horse” as Punk isn’t that established yet. But they’re both not-crap in the ring and Striker wrestling smart is much better than him going ”ha ha i am smart” and twatted.

Tonight it’s Lashley vs. Test again OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE I WAS JOKING. ”The Impact Player is gunning for Lashley tonight” HE RAN AWAY LAST TIME.

Vince is backstage still. Trinity hugs him and Vince has to ask her to get off (because he’s irresistible to all women-kind) and talks with Dreamer.

Vince: What kind of name is Dreamer?
Tommy: Are you serious?
Vince: No I’m Vince.

Joey Styles: ”Vince continues to show his disdain for the ECW Originals.” I love shoot comments that aren’t meant as shoot comments.

Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly

Holly was supposed to wrestle Lashley last week but ”somehow” Test got the shot instead according to commentary. Eh, was he? Test’s not gone yet and they’re already re-writing his history. These two had probably the best series on this show last year, now it’s an indicator of RVD’s value. He taunts and kicks and taunts and kicks to begin with, misses a monkey flip in the corner but turns it into a Frankensteiner and in typical RVD fashion manages to spike his head in the process.

RVD with more kicks, escapes the Alabamma Slamma and delivers more kicks. Then more taunting. Holly comes back with clotheslines and snap suplexes. RVD sends Holly outside as Tazz does Larry The Cable Guy impressions and RVD dives through the ropes and into the ad break.

Back in, RVD kicks Holly a bunch and gets a second rope leg drop for two. RVD goes up top for his mandatory weekly shove off the top rope onto the guard-rail. Holly hurls him into the guard-steps and gets him in a camel clutch and I’m not feeling this one. Like RVD, the match is going nowhere. Holly with the mighty hanging kick to the mid-section and another chinlock. RVD knocks down Holly with a spinning kick and we’re going in circles here. Holly with THE GREATEST DROPKICK IN WRESTLING to spice things up.

RVD gets a roll up for two but nails the monkey flip he wanted at the start of the match and follows with a Top Rope Van Daminator. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder after being stopped once and he tries for yet another monkey flip but Holly turns it into a powerbomb for two. Holly up top but gets crotched and Jesus this match is lagging. Holly comes off with a Flying Nothing so he can get kicked in the face but RVD misses the Five Star. Holly tries for the Alabamma Slamma but his back hurts too much (HEY REMEMBER THAT TABLE SPOT FROM LAST YEAR) but he throws RVD into the turnbuckle and manages to land the Slamma for the win.

Winner: Hardcore Holly (This was the house show version of their series from last year and the repeated countering got ridiculous after the twentieth time. Oh and RVD is knackered.)

Vince bumps into Sabu. ”He look I’m in Afghanistan! It’s a member of the Taliban!” Fuck me. Vince then discusses Irish ancestry with Balls Mahoney. ”You must be from Northern Ireland, that isn’t Ireland.”

Extreme Expose dances to Christina Aguilera’s Dirrty until Vince interrupts and obviously all the woman have that ”oh my God look it’s Vince he’s so hot” expression like the Fembots in Austin Powers. Vince sends ’em to the back and tells the crowd he thinks ECW sucks and the Original ECW sucked too, but he’s going to turn this place into something respectable with great wrestlers like…Elijah Burke.

”Look at that smile! Now that’s what I’m talking about!”

Burke compliments Vince over and over until the crowd chants ”Boring” and Sandman, Dreamer, Balls and Sabu run out and do their finishers to Burke, which was a tad excessive. Like the ten minutes that preceded it. Like most Vince bits, this was very heavy-handed but having one of the biggest characters in the company in ECW is a big deal.

Lashley vs. Test

We’ve barely five minutes left on the show as the bell rings which is how I like my Test matches. He gets sent outside in a sloppy manner to start the show but manages to donk Lashley into the turnbuckle. Test strips the floor pads to the concrete and tries a piledriver but gets dropped arse-first instead as we go to break.

Back with Test in the chinlock (of course) and he nails a flying armbar. After getting the arm worked over, Lashley BUILDS MOMENTUM and connects with the charges in the corner and delayed suplex. Lashley’s arm prevents him from hitting the Running Powerslam but he shrugs it off and hits an overhead belly-to-belly and lands the Running Powerslam again to pin Test.

Winner: Lashley (Nothing good here, bye Test.)

Then the bell rings and The Undertaker shows up! Wait what. ”Undertaker has the right to challenge any Champion at Wrestlemania.” Test tries to attack Undertaker and he takes a chokeslam to say goodbye to WWE and DOES THIS MEAN UNDERTAKER IS WRESTLING LASHLEY AT WRESTLEMANIA.

Probably not, but you can tell it’s the build to Wrestlemania when Vince and Undi’ are on ECW.

Overall: Not a good week for wrestling but we’re gradually getting plots and stuff sorted. None of which seem to include RVD sadly.

And that was really it for Test. After failing the drugs test, both parties came to a mutual separation. He showed signs of being interesting in 2006 when teaming with Mike Knox but as soon as the company made him Generic Evil Big Man he went back to the same old unremarkable Test we’d all come to fast-forward. He hit his career high in 1999 wrestling Shane McMahon for Steph’s love, which is more than a lot of wrestlers get.