Because Test interfered in the RVD vs. Lashley main event last week, the main event tonight is RVD vs. Lashley vs. Test. His punishment is getting a title shot?
Kelly Kelly returns, bragging about being single. Yeah the new creative team weren’t a fan of Mike Knox, were they? He’s not been seen since the split. She promises to return to dancing next week and she won’t be alone. Here’s Matt Striker whose Grape Smuggler gear is as pornographic as Kelly’s. Striker reminds us that women’s feet are smaller than men’s, an evolutionary trait that allows them to stand closer to the sink. Striker blames Punk for ruining the Kelly/Knox relationship and that brings in Punk ready to fight anyone not named Mickey Gall.
CM Punk vs. Matt Striker
Styles and Commentary talk about when they were drinking coffee in the cafeteria, Striker showed up and explained the history of Columbian coffee beans. That sounds accurate actually. Crowd loves Punk who is the victim of a big headlock/hairgrab by Striker. Hip tosses from Punk and Striker gets cut off with a jumping calf kick. Arn Anderson arm body slam, Styles mentions both Striker and Punk will be in the Rumble in two weeks. That was the one called The Most Star Studded Rumble Ever. It wasn’t. Punk continues to work the arm and they go through a nice sequence where Punk tries to lock in an arm-bar and tricks Striker into getting locked in a pin attempt for two. Striker gets sent outside to send us to break and when we return, Striker has Punk in a headscissors. Striker puts Punk in a piledriver position and drags himself backwards to rub Punk’s head across the canvas. Punk extracts himself out of it Johnny Kidd style and dropkicks Striker in the face. These two are busting out stuff neither has shown so far in ECW. Striker gets a few near-falls after running shots but Punk comes back with his Muay Thai kicks and the running knee/bulldog combo gets two. Striker sets up a Rude Awakening neckbreaker but Kelly jumps up on the apron and distracts Striker long enough for Punk to roll-up Striker for the win
Winner: CM Punk (These two wrestled a completely different style than we’d seen so far on ECW and even though it was mostly style over substance, I wasn’t complaining. Striker wrestled like a smart guy which is a step-up from ”boo me if you don’t like homework.”)
Marquis Cor Von is here, jumping ship from TNA with no fanfare. Monty Brown was a cool, over wrestler who cut promos like the best coked up eighties stars and it’s a shame he never got the big run he should have got in TNA.
Marquis Cor Von vs. Cassidy Riley
Oh he’s wrestling fellow TNA-leaver Cassidy O’Reilly tonight, that’s some convenient teaming. The Alpha Male hails from ”The Animal Kingdom.” Uh-huh. Styles points out he spells his name like ”Marquee.” Oh that’s what that’s supposed to be? I never got that before, cheers Styles. Cor Von beats up Riley as the crowd chants ”TNA”. Lots of strikes until Cor Von double-underhook suplexes Riley then murders him with THE POUNCE. Oh but then he rolls him into an awkward arm-bar for the submission.
Winner: Marquis Cor Von (I hope he gets rid of that arm-bar submission but otherwise this was fine, even if the commentators couldn’t explain what or why Cor Von was called The Alpha Male or anything related to his character. ”er well ya know, he’s big!”)
Cor Von tells us he’s here to do what he wants when he wants and to destroy and dismantle everything in his path. He pauses to mock the crowd’s ”what” chants which gets a big laugh out of them and he’s ”The Hardest Regardless is Marquis Cor Von, The Alpha Male!” He’s got more nick-names than moves. He showed personality already which is a step-up from the majority of the 2006 roster.
Speaking of personalities on the mic, Lashley talks about the main event tonight. Same old ”I don’t have to get pinned to lose the title” stuff.
Wrestlemania Recall: Roddy Piper vs. Morton Downey Jr. It was a fun segment but I don’t know who Morton is outside of this so ”eh.” But you know, celebrities > wrestlers. Next week’s segment better have pissed Burt Reynolds at Wrestlemania X.
The Sandman vs. Elijah Burke
Rebecca The Bad Interviewer talks to Burke during Hak’s endless intro, Burke isn’t impressed with Sandman holding a cane during a fight. Well in fairness they’ve both got things to carry, Sandman’s got his cane and Burke’s got Turkay. Manbearpig takes a cane shot on the apron so Burke can sneak-attack Sandman and get the advantage. Burke wrestles around Sandman who is selling like he’s been shot in the kidney and Burke gets crotched going to the top. Sandman falls off and lands badly and gets one of the worst roll-ups since last Impact’s main event for the win. Fuck me, where’s my GIFing machine at?
There we go.
Winner: Elijah Burke (Sandman’s a weird part of the new ECW as he’s always popular thanks to his history but he doesn’t gel with anybody in the ring because his best years were spent drunk off his arse hitting people with sticks. He’s a good side attraction but as a regular guy wrestling every week he’s fucked.)
Recap of Khali vs. Dreamer last week. Also Ariel talks about roses and the winner of the 2007 Royal Rumble Kevin Thorn. Aye love.
RVD vs. Lashley vs. Test (ECW Championship)
So again, Test ruined the main event last week and he gets a title shot. JUST SAYING. Test cuts off Lashley during his entrance and Test decides to do his best Marty Jannetty impression.
They must have bumped into each other at the same dealer. Lashley rolls him up, the bell rings and RVD gets a near-fall on Test. Test sends RVD outside which lets RVD get the contractually-obligated guilotine legdrop across the guard-rail. Back in, Lashley and RVD go tit-for-tat with RVD doing more grappling than usual so Lashley’s not lost. It gets sloppy when they start doing RVD stuff though, but that’s to be expected. I doubt OVW had a session on ”throwing a chair and doing the splits.” Test is kept outside as he flings himself at the guard-rail again, I think he has the RVD idea of trying harder to get a PPV pay-off. After some more ”Lashley and RVD do stuff but Lashley looks like a deer in the headlights” we hit an advert.
Test is beating up both guys when we return, but RVD rolls him up and Lashley his a weird-looking clothesline to break it up. Instead of hitting him face-on he tried diagonally and it looked all kinda of odd. Everyone tries to pin everyone, Test throws Lashley outside (after Lashley had to be told by Test to get up) and RVD got sent off the top onto the guard-rail like every week. Lashley slams Test and RVD kicks Lashley and this is just moves moves moves. RVD sent outside again so Test goes up top and connects with a top rope elbow for two. RVD connects with Van Daminator off the top for two and he plants both men with Rolling Thunder. RVD decides to hit Test with the Five Star Frog Splash (going over Lashley to hit him) but Lshley recovers, sends Test outside and pins RVD after a Running Powerslam.
Winner and still ECW Champion: Lashley (There was a fair amount of good action here but the execution was all over the place. This was the Lashley I remember from this period, looking sloppy and having wrestlers yelling spots at him so he looks less like an ass. He got cheered heavily here though so it’s working regardless. Plus the creative team can always blame Test.)
Test decides to walk off with the title though and when Lashley goes to get it back he gets twatted with it and the show ends with Test holding the belt.
Overall: Matt Striker looked good, Cor Von and his long-arse name made his debut and Test continues to get pushed. Two outta three ain’t bad.