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WCW Worldwide: March 2, 1997

It’s finally Sunday – meaning we’re dropping the biggest pro-wrestling show of the week … yes, it’s WCW Worldwide! And tonight, our wild lineup includes stars like The Amazing French Canadians, Harlem Heat, and … wait, what the hell, Arn Anderson?!? How bloody long has THIS show been in the can?

The worst part about this news is that we’re not going to be able to check it out together, because my copy of the show is actually cut short halfway, thanks to the miracle of VHS running out of space. NOT cool, 1997.

TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN talk Arn Anderson’s return. They acknowledge he’s injured, but Heenan said he’s not a pansy like so many of these guys who sit on the disabled list, and this isn’t going to keep him away. Errrrrrr, this is awkward.

THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS (1-6-0) (with Colonel Robert Parker) vs. J. DRAYTON and LONNIE JAY (0-0-0)

Parker’s not even dressed up like a Revolution-era Colonel, so I’m going to figure this show was taped at some point in the last decade. Rougeau demands the fans stand for the National Anthem, which they promptly butcher the hell out of; a lesser crime than Tony and Bobby talking over the entire thing. Incredibly, they finish on their own terms, which should give you an idea of how jobberific their opponents are. I feel obligated to screen cap them just to prove to you that I haven’t invented this horrible team.

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Heenan tries to decipher the meaning of “Plowboy”, and continues down this road of speculation long after Tony corrects him. Ouellette flattens him with a vicious looking clothesline, and then Rougeau throws Jay into the corner forcing him to tag in Drayton. Drayton circles Rougeau, stalking him … completely missing the bulldozer attack from Ouellette, sending Heenan into a laughing fit. Even the Colonel gets in a couple of free shots, right before they finish matters with the Quebec Crash at 2:04 while Heenan chokes for air. *

HIGH VOLTAGE (2-5-0) vs. SOUTHERN POSSE (0-2-0)

Tony finally admits that we’re showing a pre-recorded match, because the referee here is JIMMY JETT, who was fired by Eric Bischoff last Monday. Of course, he makes it abundantly clear, only THIS match is pre-recorded – and by golly everything else is LIVE LIVE LIVE (or, was, at some point in the 18th century). Then he calls High Voltage a “great young tag-team”, spewing lies at a higher rate than Donald Trump. Rage shows a little fire, but he can’t make up for the utter uselessness of Kaos, who’s entire moveset seems to consist of various elbow drops. Rage drops a leg, and Kaos … drops an elbow. We finally get a hot tag to Sonny Trout, and he clears the ring for about 4 seconds until High Voltage remembers they’re scheduled to win, and Rage gorilla presses his buddy on top at 3:56. DUD

We get a rehash of the Malenko / Lee Marshall interview that already aired on Pro. Next!

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. (2-6-0) vs. BUNKHOUSE BUCK (0-3-0)

Something stinks – and it’s emanating from Buck. This is our inadvertent main event. Chavo tries a crucifix, but Big Smell falls backwards like a Samoan drop. Chavo holds on regardless, and gets two by rolling through. As he applies the armbar … our tape hits the end of its spool! A quick google search reveals Chavo took this one down, while Harlem Heat fought Benoit and Anderson to some sort of draw – which we can safely assume was a five-star classic, and cemented Stevie Ray as the greatest athlete of our generation.

Alas, that brings us to the end of this weekend’s run of jobber-heavy programming – so we’ll have to make due with Nitro until we get more. Tough life, for us pre-recorded junkies.