We’re in Uniondale New York and we have Hardcore Holly vs. RVD EXTREEEME RULES II and The Hardys teaming up for the first time in years because OH SHIT THERE’S A PPV COMING UP.
Matt Striker is in the ring wearing his Dennis Hallman speedos. I’m surprised he could bend over with those things on, never mind wrestle. His target is Lashley. He may have served a tour overseas in the military but Striker served a tour of the New York school system and that’s much more dangerous. After seeing The Wire, I agree. Lashley runs out and throws desks like he did in ‘Nam.
Matt Striker vs. Bobby Lashley
Striker stalls getting in the ring for a few minutes before Lashley gives him a stalling suplex and a Dominator for the win.
Winner: Bobby Lashley (The beginning of Lashley’s uber-push. Commentators spent the whole match spouting adjectives (”Impactful! Amazing! Stupendous! …big!”) but in fairness, the show needed a new star with this type of push and Lashley wasn’t going to get it on Raw or Smackdown.)
Dramatic recap of Jeff Hardy vs. Johnny Nitro ladder match from Raw last night. The MNM vs. Hardys feud was fun, aside from Mercury dying.
The Hardys vs. F.B.I.
Another time and place and this would have been a great competitive match. Mamaluke and Jeff could have had a suicide-off. Hardys dominate with armbars on Guido who has that ”yeah I know I wrestled for UWF-I” look on his face. Mamaluke tries to interject but they plant him with a double wheelbarrow suplex. Jeff misses a tumbleweed so The F.B.I. get their old double-hip-toss-into-a-double-elbow sequence. No gay kissing though and it only gets two as a result. Guido and Mamaluke work over Jeff and it’s weird seeing The Hardys against a smaller team in WWE because they always seemed to work same size or bigger guys, but here against The F.B.I. they look like basketball players. Matt gets the hot tag and Mamaluke gets his chance to shine/die.
Matt gives Mamaluke a bulldog whilst clotheslining Guido. Leg-drop and Side Effect sets up this nifty variation of the Villano-killer.
You’d think that’d be the end but a Twist Of Fate and Swanton later and The Hardys win to wild female screaming.
Winners: The Hardys (Finish was never in doubt but it’s The F.B.I. Everyone was happy to see The Hardys re-unite and good matches would follow as a result so aye.)
Heyman walks in on RVD’s work-out to explain the plot to people at home. Heyman hates RVD and is trying to stop him from winning the title. I wonder what happened with RVD post-December To Dismember because the only storyline this show has had for months is RVD getting the title back. Anyway, Holly gets RVD’s shot in the Chamber if he wins tonight.
CM Punk vs. Kevin Thorn
Both men exchange strikes. I’d try and make a joke about vampire + martial arts = Dio but I’m not going to waste a perfectly shitty JoJo joke on Kevin Thorn. More strikes until Thorn gets a Boston Crab locked in and Kelly Kelly runs out to cheer Punk on. Punk is filled with renewed vigour and locks in the Anaconda Vice out of nowhere for the tap-out win.
Winner: CM Punk (Like the best Thorn matches, it was short.)
Thorn immediately knocks Punk out the ring so him and Ariel can attack Kelly. Punk makes the save and they both beat up the vampires. Kelly and Punk hug as Knox looks sad in the aisle-way.
He makes Randy Mulkey look like Blackjack Mulligan.
Adverts: That cool dancing Becks advert that was everywhere for a hot minute and a shit-load of Christmas adverts.
The Big Show is in the ring putting over how ”brutally barbaric” the EXTREEEME Elimination Chamber is. Crowd starts shouting ”what?” after everything. ”Trust Nassau to be five years behind everyone else.” Show lists off everyone he’s beaten and assures us there’s no-one that can beat him…Lashley’s music plays. After a scuffle, Show tries to attack but Show gets hit by the ECW Title and knocked out the ring. Maybe if they’d not had RVD in the Chamber or feuding with Show the reaction to Lashley’s win would have been positive.
Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly (EXTREEEME Rules)
The rematch to probably the best ECW on Sci-Fi match. It’s that or Big Show vs. Ric Flair. Test reminds Holly that RVD put twenty stitches in Holly’s back last time. How could we forget? RVD gives Holly a good kicking to start and a Rolling Thunder Frog Splash sends Holly outside. RVD follows and nails the Guillotine Kick off the guard-rail as we go to break.
What’s the first thing we see? The Don’t Try This At Home advert that starts with the Holly/RVD stitchplex.
Back from break, RVD is trying to slingshot Holly into a chair in the corner but Holly resists so he does it underneath the ropes instead. And then er this happens:
Holly gets kicked in the corner then begs off. RVD somehow falls for it and gets sent into the set-up chair. Holly was right, RVD is a stupid sonnofabitch. Holly sets up a chair on RVD’s head and stomps it. Holly hot-shots RVD’s throat on a set-up chair for a two-count. Holly thinks logically with his chair-spots rather than RVD’s sacrificing-his-own-body style, makes for a nice change of pace.. Speaking of change of pace, Holly with the chinlock. Crowd isn’t impressed and chants BORING because it’s New York. Holly kills RVD with a chair-assisted leg-drop off the top. Crowd is still bored. Holly gets a whip to try to ruin RVD’s back in revenge but RVD fights him off. Crowd chants for tables. Holly takes a monkey flip and gets a baseball-slide chair shot, Rolling Thunder with a chair but as soon as RVD leaves the ring he gets up and throws a chair at RVD. I think both wrestlers have had enough and are blasting though the finishing sequence. Both men on top as A FUCKING ”TNA” CHANT kicks in. Superplex on a chair and a Five Star Frog Splash are enough to put Holly away.
Winner: Rob Van Dam (Nothing compared to the first match, didn’t help that they reminded everyone about Holly’s back injury and then didn’t use any tables. You’re inviting people to expect one after that. Crowd didn’t care, RVD was a bit sloppy and Hardcore Holly looks like Verne Schillinger.
Overall: Well, wait. As RVD is posing and the show is fading to black Joey Styles shouts ”don’t forget, Survivor Series is this Sunday!” Well shit, aside from ”The Hardys are teaming up again” there’s been no mention of any matches on the PPV, even though CM Punk, Mike Knox, The Big Show, Bobby Lashley, Sabu & Rob Van Dam are all wrestling. If this show was supposed to hype Series then it failed. But at least one of the worst PPVs of all time got some hype instead.