We’re in Arkansa and we have The Sandman & Sabu vs. The Big Show & Matt Striker. Oh.
Hardcore Holly & Paul Heyman watch the gash from last week that took twenty-four stitches to seal up. Heyman is impressed with his toughness, especially considering he was already wrestling with a staph infection. He was wrestling with a fucking staph infection?! Jesus. Holly doesn’t want to hear how tough he is, he wants RVD tonight. Heyman doesn’t want to give him that because he’s worried Holly might sue. Holly threatens to give Heyman something worth suing over but Test hits Holly with a chair right on his gash. Heyman informs us Test is wrestling RVD instead because the HGH in Test’s blood stream is keeping the staph at bay.
I appreciate how tough Holly is and wrestling’s for bad mamma jammas and all that, but having a wrestler carry on competing with a staph infection makes WWE look really shitty.
The Sandman & Sabu vs. The Big Show & Matt Striker
Oh, so soon? I’m not complaining, I was going to stick JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure on in the background if this had been the real main event. Show’s clean shaven and it’s odd. He’s a stretched Snitsky.
Show & Sabu start off in the feud that is never going to end. ”Bowling ball-like headbutt” knocks Sabu down so Striker comes in. He’s wearing very small tights and gets taken down by a springboard kick. Sabu’s sent outside and we go to breaks. Or not, as the blokey who recorded this has cut them out so we come back to Sabu taking a ”police horse head” blow from Show and Striker tags in to try a pin-fall. Striker sticks Sabu in the middle ropes and dropkicks him out of the ring. Looked interesting-ish. Crowd noise is at Smackdown levels of overdub, so when Striker gives Sabu the Nick Gage facewash crowd goes ”OHHHH!!!!” like they’re watching Jurassic Park. Sandman tags in and is a drunken house on fire, taking Striker down with the Heinekenrana and managing to not kill himself.
Show waddles in, takes out Sabu and splashes Sandman so Striker can win the match.
Winners: The Big Show & Matt Striker (Two of the biggest stars of the brand and the ECW Champ are currently being used to get a guy with a sweater over.)
Next week the Divas of Raw and Smackdown are going to play EXTREEEME STRIP POKER and it’s as subtle as you’d imagine.
Kevin Thorn vs. Tommy Dreamer
Thorn’s beaten Balls so he’s taking on another original ECW guy to annoy us. Dreamer gets a hip toss early but Thorn takes over with basic I’M BIG AND I STRIKE moves. Dreamer makes a comeback with some neckbreakers. A DDT should end it but Thorn’s hand is under the bottom rope, kind of. That looked unintentional, like he was supposed to grab the ropes to break the pin but he hadn’t moved yet. It’s the most interesting thing of the match as Ariel twats Dreamer while the ref is distracted and Thorn pins him.
Winner: Kevin Thorn (Thorn gets another win over an ECW veteran but he’s still a fucking vampire.)
Advert for No Mercy 2006 while it still had Booker T vs. Bobby Lashley as the main event, which would have been the first all-black PPV main event except they got cold feet and added Batista & Finlay to make it a four-way.
Maria also plugs EXTREEEME Poker but she’s entertaining enough to make it work. ”If I get any two of them same, I’m gonna throw ’em away so everyone wins!”
CM Punk vs. Danny Doring
This (heavily edited) crowd is really into Punk. He gives Doring a smooth-looking Double Underhook Backbreaker and finishes with the Anaconda Vice.
Winner: CM Punk (Squash. Doring is still entertaining on Twitter but I forget what happened to Punk.)
Kelly Kelly waves at Punk and gives him a strip-tease like the good ol’ days of ECW on Sci-Fi. Knox interrupts and tells Punk to stay away from his girl. Punk uses common sense and tells Knox she won’t stay away from him. Knox is pissed at this logic and charges the ring…then changes his mind and walks away. I am shocked that Knox The Giant Pussy didn’t draw. Wait, Kelly’s like nineteen at this point so how many states is Knox fucked in?
Tremendously, there’s a nutrisystem advert after this that starts with ”are you out of shape? Feeling tired? Is your sex life suffering?” ahahahahaahaha.
Kristal and Ashley hype EXTREEEME Poker. There’s a tragic amount of plastic surgery involved in the women of this era but Ashley was the worst. She looked like she’d melt if she was under a 40w bulb.
Test vs. Rob Van Dam (EXTREEEME Rules)
OK Test has been mildly entertaining when he’s been teaming with Knox, let’s see if he’s improved or it was just improvement by association of a crap guy. He interrupts RVD as he’s taunting which is a good start. They brawl outside and RVD tries the Springboard Guillotine Leg-Drop but Test moves and that looked nasty. Test attempts to squash RVD with steel steps but misses, falls backwards and brains himself. Van Dam follows with Rolling Thunder on the steps because Van Dam does so much stretching every part of his body is a weapon.
RVD puts Test in the corner and tries the Bunch Of Kicks And Then A Backflip but Test clotheslines him after the backflip and that served RVD right. Test throws a bunch of chairs into the ring and as RVD grabs one, Test punts it into his face. Nice! Didn’t look overly set-up, just a quick kick and the BANG that only steel chairs produce. Test tries for a move but RVD stops being dramatic and hurls the chair into his face. Table’s set outside and Test is placed on the apron. They tease a Hollyplex to the outside until RVD sunset flips powerbombs Test through it. Well, in theory. RVD kicked the table over as he flew over Test and so the poor frigger fell on the hard bit instead.
So they teased a repeat of the unintentionally violent bit from last week and instead did a different unintentionally violent bit. Yikes.
Advert for Ken Kennedy vs. Undertaker at No Mercy. That feud did nothing for Kennedy as he only beat Undi’ in the cheapest ways possible.
Back from break, they show a replay and the commentators act like that was normal. Heyman and the masked security wander to ringside. Test hoofs Van Dam in the balls as he’s distracted. The masked security beat RVD up a bit, but only when RVD is outside. Even though it’s No DQ and Heyman’s evil, they’ll only beat him up a little bit. Test throws RVD through a chair stuck in the turnbuckle (aka The Abyss Bump) but it just gets two. Test applies a bearhug. Dammit, you were doing so well. Test plonks another chair into RVD’s indestructible head.
Commentators hype the match we’re watching then start talking about the sheer amount of tits we’ll have next week. Spinning leg kick stuns Test long enough for RVD to get a chair and baseball slide into him in the corner. RVD attempts Rolling Thunder with chair but Test rolls out the way and Van Dam lands on chair. Man this is a long match. Test digs out Masato Tanaka’s chair-elbow off the top rope but he takes too long and it only gets two. Test sets up another table and attempts to powerbomb him but has the nerve to do the R-V-D taunt so he gets backdropped. Van Dam flies off the top with a kick, dives onto the masked security and gets ready to put Test through the table…but Show shoves RVD off and through table. Test plants him with the TKO and that’s the end.
Winner: Test (Test wasn’t super-amazing but he wasn’t awful either and managed to keep up with gumby for a twenty minute match. I had no idea I’d be singing the praises of TEST when I started this show, but here we are. Not sure why none of RVD’s friends came out to help him against the dodgy security but whatever. I know ”both men tried really hard” isn’t a worthwhile comment but two men pounding each other with objects for twenty minutes on the C-show deserves a compliment. If it means anything or not in the long run is a different matter.)
Holly last week, Test this week. Which Attitude era mid-carder is RVD going to make credible next week? My money’s on Gillberg.
Overall: Nice main event but this is how the rest of the show makes me feel: