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ECW on Sci-Fi #14 09/12/2006

We’re live at Madison Square Garden and instead of a main event graphic, we get Paul Heyman on the mic. He sucks up to the crowd and they buy it until Heyman swerves them. I take it they’ve not been watching this show then? Heyman thanks himself, mocks the crowd for wanting RVD & Sabu and tells them they’re all welcome for his success. ECW was all Heyman’s ideas and vision, dammit. Sabu has enough of this and bum-rushes the ring. Paul does a wobbly runner so Sabu kills Generic Security Number One with an Arabian Facebuster. Heyman’s not happy so he makes it Sabu vs. Big Show EXTREEEME RULES for the ECW title tonight. Wait why would you give someone a title match as a punishment? And the one good thing this show has done the last few months is emphasise how Sabu has the advantage when objects are involved. Huh. Anyway Sabu dives on the security guys to end the segment (and logic) as the commentators flip their lids about how the ECW Title is being defended on the holy grounds of Madison Square etc.

And here’s the big graphic!

Adverts: Flyboys, World War One Air Squadron film with James Franco. The trailer has every cliche imaginable and it bombed (hur hur) at the Box Office but there’s this great tit-bit from the wiki: ”The film’s only military adviser for the entire project was Jack Livesey, a convicted defrauder, who fabricated his résumé and military service to gain employment as an administrative assistant at the Imperial War Museum, London.”

Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly

No, it’s not that match. Getting there though. RVD attacks Holly as he enters the ring and gives him a rare frankensteiner. Holly shrugs it off like a dozen egg-whites, sends RVD to the outside and he follows with a dive over the ropes! RVD shrugs off Holly’s dive like discarded tobacco and moonsaults off a barrier. They’re doing a hell of a job of showing their anger. Back in and they slow it down and I wonder if Holly was trying for BOTSJ. Hardcore plants RVD with the Greatest Dropkick In All Of Wrestling for two and here it is for you all to enjoy.

I hope the rest of the show isn’t like last week and Holly’s dropkick is one of the few things worth GIFing. Holly slams RVD down as Tazz & Styles discuss the location of thighs (Tazz: ”they’re at the back of the leg”) and Holly comes off the top with an elbow drop but RVD was expecting a Flying Nothing so he sticks his leg up and it’s a bit awkward.

No idea what RVD was thinking there, the only way that would have worked would be if Holly was going for an Axe Handle on a downed opponent. Holly sells it and there’s a mild You Fucked Up chant because New York. RVD comes back with a windmill kick and Rolling Thunder for two. The rolly-polly into a monkey-flip lets RVD get on top but before he can finish with the Five Star, Stevie Richards, Test & Knox run in for the DQ.

Winner: Rob Van Dam via DQ (Pissed-off RVD is fun to watch as he does all his usual moves but with ANGER. Holly’s never not pissed off so I enjoyed this. One awkward moment aside, these two have good chemistry together.)

The Sandman & Tommy Dreamer run in to save the day (with Sandman needing entrance music, which makes a tiny bit of sense if he’s entering through the entrance and I guess the music guys sees him and plays his music, but Sandman’s walking through the crowd) and the baddies get caned. The good guys celebrate as the commentators remind us three weeks ago Sabu beat the shit out of Show and got DQ’d. Styles calls Sabu the ECW Evel Knievel. It’s a bit out-dated but it’s better than being called ”the ECW Steve-O” I guess.

CM Punk vs. Shannon Moore

Tazz: ”A lot of people are talking about CM Punk” yeah get used to that. This is Moore’s in-ring debut after a series of dire backstage segments that made him look like the toughest 14 year old on Myspace. Moore wasn’t happy with getting punked out last week and it’s taken him a week to do something about it. As far as parodies of young people go, it’s a good one. Moore gets caught in the tarantula-clutch and gets knocked down by the springboard clothesline and knees. Punk was very cruiserweight based when he first started in WWE. More strikes, a clothesline/bulldog and the Anaconda Vice ends it. That’s it?

Winner: CM Punk (Good for the still-undefeated Punk but that was it? All those shitty backstage bits for a quick loss? Huh.)

René Duprée’s here and my Google Search History gets yet another entry for his name as I look for the correct lines above the vowels diacritical marks. He’s ready for his debut match but he looks more ready for the next David Lynch film.

Adverts: The Departed. It’s rare to see a good film advertised on here.

The FBI congratulate Punk on his win and so does Kelly Kelly. You can see Punk’s brain trying to figure out when he can fit her in without the rest of his conquests finding out. Kelly tells Punk she’s only nineteen so she can’t go to clubs. WAIT BACK UP Kelly was only nineteen when WWE hired her? No wonder she was greener than Sabu’s glove compartment. Knox shows up, hits Kelly with a club and drags her back to his cave.

Kevin Thorn is here and he is also armed with a woman. I think in 2006 women were classified as ”objects” as opposed to ”people” so WWE could pay them less.

René Duprée vs. Balls Mahoney

René’s debut and I’m copy pasting his name every time in this review as my Internet History can’t handle more searches for his name. Balls is attacked as he enters the ring, a theme for tonight. Styles & Tazz can’t stress enough how pretty and beautiful and sexy René is. René attacks with a bottom-rope springboard elbow which I had to rewind to make sure it really happened. The French Tickler gets two and the rest of René’s offence is so dull I’m not going to type it. Imagine a prettier Knox and fill in the gaps yourself. Balls comes back with a sit-out spinebuster for two and here’s the sing-along Balls punches. Balls takes him outside with his leg lariat and attacks Thorn while he’s there. Balls tries to get a chair but Thorn knocks him off the apron and he takes a header off the steps. René drags him in and pins him. Joey Styles: ”A french-man wins his first fight!”

Winner: copy-pasted René Duprée (The Balls vs. Thorn feud is still happening so there’s that. René did nothing here to make you want to see him again. Oh apart from the French Tickler.)

Adverts: All the King’s Men, which looks good but a quick Google tells us it died financially and critically. Damn, there was a time when ”starring Anthony Hopkins” meant a film was at least ****. He was the Dean Malenko of the nineties.

Matt Striker is here to blah blah here’s some big words and everything you like is bad and you’re dumb blah blah. I take the shitty vampire who can’t wrestle more seriously than the evil teacher.

The Big Show vs. Sabu (ECW Title, EXTREEEME RULES)

Sabu throws a chair right at Show, who blocks it with his farm animal hands. That one spot summed up this feud perfectly. Sabu gets chopped with ham hocks and a ”bowling ball headbutt” as described by Joey Styles. The security team beat up Sabu on the outside for good measure. Show squashes the lone chair in the ring with his person-sized leg and then clothesline Sabu with ”the 2×4” arm. If you think these similes are excessive, you’ve never watched a Big Show match with commentary. Show slowly dominates until Sabu kicks him in the jupiter-sized testicles which lets Sabu grab a chair and gain the advantage. Sabu tries the camel clutch but Show easily turns it into a ”superhuman” side slam. Sabu gets a springboard kick but Show ignores it. He sets up a table but Sabu counters a chokeslam into a DDT for a near-fall. Think they’ve done that spot in every match they’ve had. Sabu goes nuts with a chair until Show plummets like the value of the Pound Sterling through a table. The security team interfere which lets Show have a breather with his Andromeda -sized lungs so Sabu sets up yet another table on the outside with the intent of throwing himself over and onto Show. However Show blocks it.

Show has security lift Sabu into the ring and the backbreaker/leg-drop combo gets the win.

Winner: The Really Fucking Big Show (In an ideal world, Sabu would have won here but it just wasn’t meant to be. I wonder if Sabu was planned to win the title and the DUI made WWE change their minds. They did a good job of building him up only for him not to win the title but that’s wrestling.)

Overall: RVD vs. Holly is still decent and it’s interesting seeing young Punk win matches with his 1999 Jericho offence. Not a bad episode compared to others, which isn’t much of a compliment but it’s good enough.