This has nothing to do with the WWE
GM Bobby Bayless, and his new fiancé Hilda make their way to the ring. Bobby is sporting a tuxedo t-shirt too. They are both eating Charleston Chews. Bobby now has a mic:
Bobby: Hey everyone!!!!! Tonight, we are going to have fun. (Hilda pulls out another Charleston Chew and starts peeling off the wrapper).
Assistant GM Justice Gray comes out now. He also has something to say:
Justice: Just like Bobby said, we are going to have fun tonight! In the main event, we will get all four participants in the #1 Contender’s match at BoD SummerSlam facing off in a tag team bout. On one team, we will have Hoss & Jobber as they will face off against Parallax & Cultstatus. (Hilda now grabs the mic)
Bobby: I gave Parallax the night off. He said he was going to help out some married ladies!
Justice: Dammit Bobby, that was our main event
Bobby: We gonna have fun dammit!!!! Who wants to go to the Water park.
Justice: We have a show tonight, Bobby
Bobby: But I want fun!!! And Twix
Hilda: (stomping up and down) I want Twix too!!!!!
Bobby: Easy babe, my cousin Brian is getting my groceries this week!
Hilda: I am thirsty. I want a soda!
Bobby: (To Justice) Hey pal, wrap it up!!!! My girl is thirsty!!! HA HA HA HA HA
Justice: (shakes his head in disbelief) Also tonight, we will hear from the champion Jef Vinson
Bobby: (Cuts off Justice again) Arriba! Arriba! (Bobby thinks this is “Mexican” for “hurrying up.”)
Justice (Very confused) Okay, everyone…………….enjoy the show
Matthew Maynard Adams vs Luke Warm
Warm is already in the ring, and here comes the newest enigma to the BoD, Matthew Adams. He walks to the ring once again with no music, slowly climbing through the ropes….and he takes Warm’s head off with a lariat! The referee attempts to admonish him, but Adams ignores him! This match hasn’t even started yet! Adams picks up Luke…..Adamsmasher! Luke Warm is out! Adams regards him almost curiously as the referee tries to stop him. Adams: “Judgment….has been rendered.” He leaves the ring and slowly walks to the back. Matthew Adams is out of control!
We’re in the ring with the World Champ and his lovely valet! Let’s hear what he has to say!
Vinson: Last year, a group called the Job Mob tried to keep me from fulfilling my destiny. They tried to stop the inevitable. And, in the end, they succumbed. That’s the first part of this story. (Pause) At the same time, a young up and comer named Abeyance was starting to get noticed by the rest of the BoD. And make no mistake, I noticed it too. This kid had talent, I thought to myself. Not Vinson-level talent, but talent nonetheless. And it was a pleasure as I completed my journey to watch someone begin theirs. And through all of those hardships, I’ll give the kid credit – he persevered. He survived things that no one else could have, and he did it with heart and guts. (Vinson pauses again) And, I could see in him what I saw when I looked in the mirror a long year ago at BoD Summerslam, a belief, a hunger, a willingness to do whatever it took to make that dream happen. So here’s the harsh truth, Abeyance – you think that your story will play out the same way, don’t you? You think that you can do what Jef Vinson did, that you can overcome the odds and fulfill your destiny, because you watched me do the same? (Vinson narrows his eyes at the camera) Allow me to fill you in, Abeyance – my story is only just beginning. The Vinson era here in the BoD has only just begun! The difference between you and me, son, is not my good looks (valet sighs), my limitless skills, or even this belt – the difference between you and me is very, very simple: I AM JEF VINSON! There aren’t enough pages in the books they’ll write about me someday to capture the first bit of who I am! At BoD Summerslam, I told you that you had to put your career on the line, and you did; make no mistake, there’s no part of me that doesn’t admire your guts in doing so; but there’s also no part of me that will hesitate, not for a second, to end your career! This belt is more than a piece of tin, it’s a symbol of everything that Jef Vinson is all about! Bring on your masters at Kensington Enterprises, Abeyance, because you better not forget one simple thing – overcoming the odds is what I do! And come Summerslam, I will walk out STILL the BoD World Champ!
What’s that I hear? It’s the arrival of Kensington Enterprises! Biff leads Curtzerker, Extant, Hoss, and Abeyance out to the ramp. Biff’s got the stick!
Biff: Jef Vinson. You know, Vinson, none of this was personal before. You have something that Kensington Enterprises needs (He points to the belt), and whatever I need, I take. So Vinson, you like to talk about overcoming the odds? Well, Jeffery, remember this – when Biff Kensington guarantees something, it comes true. (He turns towards Abeyance and slaps him on the chest) And I guarantee that THIS man will become the BoD World Champion at Summerslam! And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it!
Biff throws down the mic and raises Abeyance’s hand in the air! Kensington waves at the World Champ, who smiles in the ring, holding the belt up high! Who will be the World Champion at Summerslam?!
Back in the back, Bill Ray is shooting whiskey and playing poker with security, the C-list title over his shoulder. He then turns and faces the camera:
Bill Ray: You know, DBSM, I’ve heard enough of you and the C-list posse to last me for the rest of my life. I hear that you’re promising a new member of the C-List posse for Summerslam, but I’m Bill Ray. I don’t need a posse, I just need two things: this (he holds up his baseball bat) and this (he holds up the C-List title). I never thought I would get used to having a title, but now that I have one, I really can’t imagine life without it. So, you bring along your posse, DBSM; I’ll just bring my title. (He shoots whiskey and tosses a bet in the middle of the table) And once I’m done with your, I’ll leave with my title. See you at Summerslam!
In the ring stand Hart Killer and Joe Dust. They call out The Fuj to see who he has selected as a tag team partner for BoD SummerSlam. The Fuj comes out. Lets see what happens here:
Hart Killer: With a tear in your eye Fuj, tell us all who you have selected as a tag team partner.
Fuj: I am all about making room for the future. I know when the twilight is near. So I have selected a partner that I can groom for the future.
Joe Dust: As a teacher, I can tell you that there is no hope for the youth of today.
Fuj: A great like myself can groom anyone. So, without further adieu, here is my partner and the one I will mentor……………………………………The Brazilian Psycho!!!!!!!
Hart Killer: Oh, ha ha. I haven’t laughed this hard since Smith Hart told us he was buying breakfast. At BoD Summerslam, you two are going down quicker than Bruce Hart at a keg party. (Joe Dust pats him on the shoulder while laughing as they leave as Fuj & TBP look on, with Fuj glancing at his partner to see if he is able to handle the situation).
Anchor Cheese Presents: Kaptain Kiwi vs. Koko B. Flair
Kiwi rides to the ring on one of the royal horses, flanked by Sir Tony and his dear brother Johnny. The Brothers Garea take seats ringside in the New Zealand famous “Cheddar Club” section. Flair tries to ambush Kiwi to start but misses as Kiwi is a house of fire!!!! He hits Flair with a backdrop and TWO hiptosses. In the words of the famous Joey Lawrence “whoa!” Flair uses a thumb to the eye and is now chopping Kiwi in the corner. The Brothers Garea look on in disgust at the cheating by Flair. Kiwi gets slammed as Flair then heads up top. Flair tries a leg drop but Kiwi rolls out of the way as both men are down. Kiwi blocks a punch and wait a minute………….ITS THE FIVE MOVES OF SNOOZE!!!!!!!! Jumping side headlock takeover, backdrop, hip toss, punch to the gut, and a crossbody!!!! Holy shit that was so exciting I think I suffered a nose bleed. Kiwi gets his Irish whip reversed but is able to reverse it back and catches Flair with the dreaded Garea Stretch. Flair taps out almost immediately. Kiwi gets up but looks down the aisle and sees Biff Kensington III and Extant1979. Biff has the microphone:
Biff: Look at this. The pride of New Zealand. Kaptain Kiwi, I told you and your mentors that we want that belt. Kensington Enterprises needs a new addition and I cannot think of a better thing to have than the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship.
Extant: Speaking of champions, I cannot think of a WORST sponsor to have than some shitty, processed cheddar cheese from New Zealand.
(The Brothers Garea and Kaptain Kiwi give them the Auckland staredown).
Extant: (walking towards the Cheddar Club) And speaking of shitty, lets look at this sign (Grabs it from Jimby, the Anchor Cheese Kiwi Kid winner of the week). Look at this (sign reads”Kiwi, The Best”). This needs editing. First off Jimby, we do not use a comma in this instance but rather a colon. Do you know what that is, Jimby? I don’t think they teach that in Pittsfield, do they? (Extant rips the sign as Biff laughs). Jimby, you just got edited. (more evil laughing from the two as the Brothers Garea stare them down).
Biff: And, if we do not get the title, Anchor Cheese will have to find new sponsors………….because I will make them an offer they cannot refuse and when that happens, I’ll toss you two New Zealanders right out on your asses and Tony, your dear brother Johnny will rot in a third-rate hut passing off as a nursing home!!!! (Extant crumbles up and tosses Jimby’s sign right in Johnny’s face as Sir Tony and Kaptain Kiwi stare each other down.
And now, lets see what happened this week when Kensington Enterprises paid a visit to the Mitchell and Ness company.
(The whole Kensington Enterprises heads on down to Mitchell and Ness, to make sure that Tommy Hall’s former debts are paid off)
Reception: Hey, you arent supposed to be here. We cannot sell you shirts until you pay you debt.
Biff: Honey, get me your manager please (casually tosses a $100 bill on the desk).
Harold: Mr. Hall, I told you that you are not welcome here!
Hoss: (Grabs Harold by the neck and backs him into the wall) YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND GIVE TOMMY SOME THROWBACK JERSEYS!!!!!!!!!
Biff: Tommy, what kind of throwback collection would you like.
Tommy: Hmm, something simple. Like the American League utility infielders of the 1990’s collection.
Harold: I don’t have that on site
Hoss: (slaps Harold across the face) YOU GET TOMMY A LANCE BLANKENSHIP JERSEY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harold: (Runs away after getting slapped to get jerseys)
Let’s go to earlier today, for Rockstar Gary and Justice Gray’s meeting with our Make-a-Wish kid, Scooter! Justice is leading the kid and his dad into the back room.
Justice: Okay guys, now Rockstar Gary is REALLY looking forward to meeting you guys, but he was hard at work yesterday saving orphans from a house fire, so he’s a bit tired.
Gary is snoring on the couch, three bottle of empty Jack Daniels on the floor around him.
Justice: Don’t worry, I’ll get him up.
Justice shakes him, harder, harder. Finally, Gary SHOOTS up to a sitting position.
Gary: NO BAKER, I DON’T THINK THAT’S WHAT SHOOTING THE HALF MEANS! GET YOUR THUMB OUT OF THERE, YOU-
Gary looks around and sees the kid and the dad smiling at him.
Gary: Oh man, really? Alright, kid, just have your mom send me her info and I’ll get a check out to her. I swear, I was so drunk that night, but I bet you’re a decent little shaver, aren’t ya?
Justice: Gary. Dude. This is Scooter, he was your Make-A-Wish kid this week. Remember?
Gary looks around.
Gary: Right, right! Whassup, Scooter! What’s going on with you? You got the butt cancer or the lung cancer or the brain cancer or something?
The kid nods slowly, the dad looks appalled.
Gary: Rock on, my man! You can beat this thing! (Smiles return to their faces) And here’s something I’m gonna tell you, some life lessons from 6-man tag champ Rockstar Gary. Ready? Okay, one, if you’re gonna kick it and they’re sure, you need to tell your pops over there to get you down to a titty bar pronto, ‘cause no one should ever bite it before they get hammered with some boobies in their face, amiright?
Justice puts his head in his hands and shakes it slowly.
Kid’s Father: Excuse me, my son is 8 years old!
Gary looks confused.
Gary: So, you’re saying that he remembers, like, suckin on momma’s titties? I dunno, seems like that’s kinda far-fetched. Unless your mama had some choice melons, my friend! Anyway, you wanna hold the 6-man belt I have? Gotta clean off some vomit before you do – Rockstar Gary had himself some beer before his liquor, and you know that old saying, amiright?
The Father grabs his kid and hustles him out of the room, threatening to call the cops the whole time. Justice shakes his head and turns to Gary, who has tears in his eyes.
Gary: I gotta tell ya, man, I love makin’ a difference. I’ve got all the feels right now! Let’s get some vodka!
Biscuit w/ Strike Force vs. WWF1987 w/ Camp Cleveland
Biscuit tries for the ground and pound early but is a bit sluggish seeing as he made it here on four connecting buses. WWF1987 works the arm and backs Biscuit up in the corner. Biscuit comes back with an European uppercut. He then hits a butterfly suplex for a nearfall. MikeyMike grabs his leg but gets kicked down. However, WWF1987 knees Biscuit from behind, sending him to the floor. Biscuit gets ambushed by Camp Cleveland but Strike Force makes the save. WWF1987 comes out and we have a pier-six brawl as the ref rings for the bell. This brawl is now into the stands as White Coat Security is coming in to stop the melee. Things have settled down as we got a preview of what is yet to come at BoD SummerSlam.
Abeyance is in the back, with Wade Michael Meltzer.
Wade: Abeyance, at Summerslam, you’re putting your career on the line against Jef Vinson. Do you think that this alliance with Kensington Enterprises will be enough to finally help you realize your dream of becoming the BoD World Champ? What caused you to be willing to put your entire career on the line in this match?
Abeyance looks at him, looks to the mic, then the camera. He takes the mic to say something….and he turns and walks away!
Wade shrugs and turns back to the cameraman…..and it’s Kbjone with his trusty chair!
kbjone: Wade, buddy old pal! How the heck are you? (Wade gulps) Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You think that I’m mad about AndyPG hitting me on the back of the head last week while I was talking to you. I bet you’re thinking about how I might be mad at YOU, because you didn’t warn me he was coming up behind me! Wade, Wade, Wade. I’m not mad at you at all! After all, if he came up from behind me, then you couldn’t see him coming either, right? (Wade slowly nods yes) Exactly, compadre! Come Summerslam, me and AndyPG are going to go head to chair…..sorry, head to head……no, wait, I had that right the first time! I’m gonna hit Andy in the head with a chair! It’s going to be the greatest thing ever! (He thinks for a second) You know, Wade, come to think of it, while I’m not all that mad at you….your cameraman over there saw AndyPG coming at me last week, didn’t he?
Kbjone turns towards the cameraman, and the last thing we see is a chair swinging towards the lens and the laughter of kbjone as the chair smashes the camera!
Out in the parking lot, we see the BBQ Truck. Mike Mears is there with Marv, Macklin, and Duck.
(Mears is making some of his famous pulled pork nachos that he puts together after a day of drinking. Marv is now reinacting Hisashi Iwakuma’s no-hitter with legos. Macklin is watching “Parks and Recs” while Duck is watching the 2002 Royal Rumble)
Mears: (With nachos in front of Macklin) Have some of these. They’re fucking great
Marv: Are you kidding? Macklin’s stomach couldnt handle that. It fears that shit, LOL
Macklin: Hey man
(The door knocks. Duck opens and we see that it is the Educated Negro Ensemble)
Night: Look at this! Its the mecca of the misinformed
X-Man: I dont see any diploma’s in here. Do you?
FunkDoc: If you can’t smoke it or drink it then you wouldnt see it here.
“Distinguished” Devin Harris: (Sporting Glasses) What we have learned here is that these morons are wasting their time being unproductive members of society. And that someone from the Seattle Mariners recently threw a no-hitter.
Night: You see, we are hear to educate and inform. Not too intrude and get inebriated. (Mears tosses down his beer as Marv sparks a joint).
X-Man: You all disgust me. And are apparently too stupid to listen.
FunkDoc: One day, you will….get educated.
(They leave as all four guys in the truck did not even break from what they were doing).
Let’s hear from both competitors in next week’s “Battle of Canada 2: Saskatoon Boogaloo”
PrimeTime Ten: Last week, Mister E Mahn. You come out with a dancing Stanley Cup. HA HA HA. That idea is so bad I’m surprised the Ottawa Senators havent tried to draft it yet. You can take all of your Timekeeping Awards from all seven continents because in the Battle of Canada I’m gonna kick your ass from Carrot Creek down to Plaster Rock. Because, I am the pride of Canada!!!!
Mister E Mahn: (With Cuppie dancing in the background) Baby, if you will, eh. Let me tell ya aboot a man from the Maritimes. He had his dancing Stanley Cup Mascot and over 345 Timekeeping awards. And he liked nothing better than to dance so he stepped aside from the timekeeping table to let his apprentice get his chance. And he did the Medicine Hat Mamba and the Whitby Waltz all around the great white North. But he saw one man, claiming to be the Pride of Canada. And he was not nice. So the man from the Maritimes went over and challenged him, like a man, to a match at BoD SummerSlam. And after the match, the Canaaaaaaaaaaaadian Dream will reign supreme, eh. Eh! Cuppie, let’s dance!!!!!!!
In just one week, you can order BoD SummerSlam on the BoD Network for just $1.99. Here is Stranger in the Alps to tell us about this fantastic offer:
Stranger: Hi, I am Stranger in the Alps. When I sit back on my recliner after a long day of work, driving and giving Power Point presentations to 100 people, I sit back and watch the classics on the BoD Network. My wife makes the donair sauce and gives me some Mr. Pibb and away I go. You can view all of the classics, like the time or three that Abeyance was seemingly paranoid of Asians, BoD Mania I with the classic “Shitfaced vs. Sobriety match, or the time we made a lot of cat puns about Paul Meekin.
(Handed a script)
Stranger: (Looks down disgusted) I’m not reading this shit. Oh, sorry, I forgot I was paid. Anyway (swallows his pride) you can get a good darn, rootin-tootin’ of a deal for just $1.99. You can see upcoming shows such as “Eating Candy with Hilda,” Drinking Soda with Hilda,” and “Bobby and Friends, with Hilda.” Wow, all of that variety for just $1.99. You’d have to be a cruiserweight to not want a deal like that.
Stranger: Thank the lord
Outside the BoD arena, Robert Davis and the rest of the Riverdale Covenant stand, Archie Stackhouse nodding to Davis, who begins to speak.
Davis: The reckoning is upon us, Biff. We stand united as one. And at Summerslam, Kensington Enterprises will cease to be. You waste your time worrying about a silly belt, Biff, when you should worry about what you’ll do when the Riverdale Covenant brings about….the end. (Giggles) You see, Biff, this brotherhood cannot be broken in its fellowship – for you to even attempt it is pure madness on your part. But don’t worry, Biff (He looks down at Jughead and starts to stroke it slowly), when the end comes and your mercenaries are scattered towards the four winds, Mr. Stackhouse has promised that you….will be left for me. And you can only imagine my excitement for Jughead to mete out the justice you so richly deserve. (He turns towards Archie, who steps forward.)
Archie: Covenant – Welcome to Hell! (The entire Covenant as one chants) Welcome….TO RIVERDALE!!!
Extant vs Robert Davis
Both the Covenant and Kensington have been banned from ringside. Davis enters, banging Jughead on the steel steps and making a throat-cutting gesture as he awaits Extant, who now emerges on the ramp. He rushes the ring and the fight is on! Both wrestlers are punching away at each other, but Extant gains the upper hand with a standing side headlock. Davis shoots him off, shoulderblock by Davis! He runs the ropes, ducks a clothesline, and hits Extant with one of his own! Davis: “WELCOME TO THE END!” He picks Extant up and sends him the corner, but a blind charge eats a boot to the face. Now Extant is in charge of the ring, and he starts to work over Davis, targeting the knees. Stomps to the knees. Kneecrusher by Extant! He hangs the leg on the bottom rope, and comes down hard! Again! Setting up for a cloverleaf, but Davis wiggles out and catches Extant with a boot to the face! Davis shakes off the leg and catches Extant coming off with a drop toehold. Davis hammerlocks the arm and attempts a Regal stretch, but the legs are too weak and Extant powers out. Extant drops an elbow and stomps on Davis. He signals for the Fisherman’s Buster, and he’s got him up….Davis with a small package! 1,2, no! Davis is fired up now! He meets Extant by ducking a wild right and catching him with a swinging neckbreaker! Davis signals that he’s looking for the Welcome to Riverdale Driver…..and here’s Kensington Enterprises! Hoss, Curtzerker, and Abeyance hit the ring, and that’s going to be a DQ!
Kensington starts to beat down Davis, but from the crowd, it’s Archie Stackhouse! And from the back, here comes Kaptain Kiwi, AndyPG and Jef Vinson! Stackhouse reaches the ring first and throws Jughead to Davis, and now we’ve got ourselves a pier-six brawl! Vinson goes right after Abeyance and sends him to the outside….to the barricade! Kiwi has Extant in the corner and is lighting him up with rights and lefts! Meanwhile, Hoss and Stackhouse are facing off, while the tag champs have their hands full with Davis and PG….Stackhouse drops Hoss with Switchblade Kiss! STACKHOUSE DROPS HOSS! Davis and PG are ping-ponging Curtzerker off each other in the middle of the ring….both of the tag champs are tossed over the top rope to the floor! Extant is all alone in the middle of the ring, and everyone tees off! Codebreaker by Vinson to Extant! Superkick by AndyPG! Davis doesn’t even bother with wrestling moves – Jughead shot to the forehead of Extant! And now, Kaptain Kiwi ties Extant up in the stretch! Extant taps out! Kiwi sends him to join the rest of Kensington on the floor! Biff is beside himself on the ramp as the faces stand tall, staring as Biff calls Kensington to retreat! They all stumble back up the ramp as Abeyance and Jef Vinson lock eyes one last time! And look at that in the luxury box………ITS THE JOB MOB!!!!! What the hell is that? Its a hand flashing four fingers as its someone behind a chair. Is that the newest member of the Job Mob? Who will rule the BoD at Summerslam?????? TUNE IN NEXT MONDAY TO FIND OUT
BoD SummerSlam card:
BoD World Title Match: Abeyance vs. Jef Vinson (c)
#1 Contender’s Match: Cultstatus vs. Jobber vs. Hoss vs. Parallax
BoD Solid B+ Player Title: Extant1979 vs. Kaptain Kiwi (c)
BoD Tag Title Match: Archie Stackhouse & Robert Davis vs. Curtzerker (c)
BoD Writer’s Title: Chris F-B vs. Tommy Hall (c)
BoD C-List Title: DBSM w/ C-List Posse vs. Bill Ray (c)
Strike Force & Biscuit vs. Camp Cleveland
kbjone vs. Andy PG
Hart Killer & Joe Dust vs. The Fuj & The Brazilian Psycho