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WCW Power Hour: January 23, 1993

CruelConnectionNumber2: Barbarian is a babyface! For like 2 weeks.

Yes, it wasn’t until 1993 that the fans were finally able to accept what had been true since the 80’s … that the Barbarian was simply the greatest physical specimen to ever set foot on planet earth. These two weeks were the WCW Universe’s way of handing him a lifetime achievement award. “We are not worthy” is the sentiment of the day, and will be carrying us through the next several millennia.

It’s WCW’s most powerful hour, it’s THE Power Hour! TONY SCHIAVONE and LARRY ZBYSZKO have exciting news: they have personally signed a rematch between Cactus Jack and The Barbarian against Vader and Paul Orndorff. Does Tony wield that much influence? Or, is that the gimmick of this show – he who hosts the Hour holds The Power?

2 COLD SCORPIO vs. DEATH ROW

Death Row hails from “The State Penitentiary”, and shock of all shocks, is a large black man. Hulk Hogan has nothing on Bill Watts circa 1993.

deathrow

Tony has a major announcement as they lock up: That due to popular demand, they will air 2 Cold’s video next week once again! So many kids, not enough step. Death Row runs Scorpio over with a body bump. Unless this guy’s got an impending date with the governor, just stab a bitch, make it quick. Row somehow throws a dropkick, and Tony is beside himself. Unfortunately, he has no idea how to follow up, and Scorpio finishes with a spinning legdrop for the pin at 2:50. ***** for the dropkick.

MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL and BRAD ARMSTRONG vs. BOB COOK and BUDDY LEE PARKER

Larry compares the Sarge to a pitbull which seems decidedly unfair to Craig Pittman. Of course, he’s like no pitbull I’ve ever seen, given that he takes a beating for most of the match, and submissively lets it happen. The only reason the government would make it illegal to own this guy, is because it would simply be too embarrassing to have him guarding your house. This guy could be intimidated by a postman. Speaking of – why hasn’t a postal worker ever made their way into the squared circle? Violent sociopaths are the name of the game here, and given the recent cutbacks in the field, it might not be a bad career transition. “Special delivery, John Cena … YOUR ASS!” And the foreign objects? You could choke him out with your satchel, jab him in the eye with a letter opener, or bash him over the head with a mysterious package which will ALWAYS be carrying an anvil. While I’m putting together a character business plan for Vince McMahon, Bagwell pins Cook with the fisherman’s suplex at 3:49. *1/2

Today’s program is brought to you by Berry Berry Kix. I hadn’t seen it in forever, but during my last trip to the States, there it was, in all its Kid Tested glory! If the 90’s are making a return, then I’m getting a cardboard cutout of Kelly Kapowski and shoving it under my bed, pronto.

VINNIE VEGAS vs. JOE PECKS

I can’t decide who looks worse. We have Joe Pecks, who’s got more bloat than Triple H taking a week off from the gym, or Kevin Nash, in pink hospital scrubs. I’m gonna give Nash the edge on this one, simply for wearing that while trying to be the coolest guy in the room. Snake Eyes takes care of business at 1:21.

WCW is brought to you by … professional bullying! And Lark Voorhies!

MISSY HYATT welcomes us to Missy Does the Mail! She’s asked about her feelings on Dustin Rhodes. She thinks he’s okay, but of course, he’s only the champion because Barry Windham made it so. She says it wasn’t a conspiracy or anything; but that Barry wants Dustin to hold the US belt, just so he can take it from him. Holy hell, Missy’s the only commentator who’s thinking around here. Must be the extra protein intake.

THE WRECKING CREW vs. JOHNNY RICH and JOEY MAGGS

Thank the lord the stay for the Crew is gonna be short lived, because I don’t think I can keep taking these goons on every single show. The bumbling geniuses spend about 80% of the match accidentally hitting each other before getting their shit together long enough to finish Rich with the Wrecking Ball at 4:25. 1/2*

CACTUS JACK and THE BARBARIAN vs. VADER (with Harley Race) and PAUL ORNDORFF (in a no disqualification match)

All hell breaks loose before the bell even rings, and seconds into this thing, Jack is already dropping an elbow onto Orndorff from the apron to the concrete floor. Order is restored for god knows what reason – because I’m fairly sure Barbarian and Vader can tell the referee “go fuck yourself” when he orders them back to their respective corners. Jack takes a man sized beating from both guys, with Vader immediately going into his “WHO’S THE MAN?” deal. Vader splashes Foley’s head, because he’s fun like that, and only a save from the Barbarian keeps this match going. Jack is tossed over the top rope, hitting it FACE FIRST! Dude, that’s NOT necessary! A thick non-folding chair is smashed over Jack’s head, and Vader goes for an avalanche against the ring post. Jack moves at the last second, and Vader goes in face first! Foley starts waving the chair around at anything moving, even giving a little payback to Harley! The referee desperately tries to restore order, as Barbarian gets the hot tag, and he starts laying waste to both guys. Orndorff stop the attack with a rake to the eyes, and a Vader powerslam gets 2. Jack makes his way back in, clotheslining both guys, trying to gain some sort of advantage here. A running legdrop on Orndorff gets 2, as Vader drops an elbow over his head. Vader and Barbarian head to the floor, while Paul drops a knee off the top rope, and the heels pick up the win at 6:31. ***

Vader tosses a fan out of his chair, using it on Barbarian … but Barbarian roars to the heavens and attacks like a wild python, striking at everything! Tony decides this is all too much for humanity and ushers us off the air as quickly as possible, plugging Saturday Night on the way out.