(w/ Matt Perri)
Last week, the Divas came to our hometown of San Jose, California as WrestleMania 31 was right around the corner at Levi’s Stadium. Even with the fun and games came the usual drama: Paige couldn’t find a dress for the Hall of Fame. She met a huge fan of hers at Santana Row who inspired her to fix her eating disorder. Nattie spent a great deal of time worrying over her Dadafter he threw a tantrum at a treatment center. And the Divas are still pissed at Eva Marie for being NOT IN FLORIDA!!!
How much angrier can the Divas be at Eva? Will Jim Neidhart make a full recovery?
WILL WE GET TO SEE MORE OF SAN JOSE?!
Let’s find out…
We start out with the newest bit of Diva wisdom, this time from Nikki “Confucius” Bella:
IF YOU THINK IT TAKES 6 WEEKS
TO BE A DIVAS CHAMPION
YOU WILL HAVE A RUDE AWAKENING
— Nikki Bella
SAN JOSE, CA
We’re still doing this, are we?:
(MATT: OUR Golden Gate Bridge is way better than the one in San Francisco.)
Takai Sushi & Saki Bar (inside of The Fairmont Hotel, San Jose)
Eva and Jon come down to the lobby and run into Daniel Bryan, Nikki and Brie who are eating. They exchange pleasantries and The Bellas invite Eva and Jon to stay and eat something. Eva’s really weirded out and confused as two minutes ago, the Bellas were ready to remove Eva’s head from her neck. Jon asks if anyone’s seen Levi’s Stadium yet. The Bellas haven’t but they’re dying to see what it looks like. There’s a long, uncomfortable silence. Time goes by. Everyone finishes up. Brie’s getting a bit loaded on champagne, glances over at Eva and rolls her eyes. Nikki looks concerned and starts to awkwardly start some conversation directly to Eva. Brie interrupts and yells at their waiter for the check. Nikki wants to have lunch with Eva. Eva accepts, telling the camera that, hopefully, this lunch meeting will smooth everything over. Brie, on the other hand, says she “knows the type of person Eva Marie is” and says she doesn’t need Eva as a friend. Neither does Nikki. (MATT: It’s weird that Brie’s angry about Eva lying about not being in Florida on a show that’s lying about the Golden Gate being a part of our city.)
Silicon Valley Capital Club for WWE Superstars for Hope
(MATT: The Capital Club?! Shit, aren’t they the fuckin’ Kennedys…) WWE’s various stars are here for the charity event, “Superstars for Hope”. Steph and Triple H are here as well. Nikki says she “always wants to keep the locker room in order”. (MATT: Like the time she bitched behind Eva’s back and helped gang up on her backstage. That was expertly handled.) She says she can tell Eva is being distant. Naomi hands Nattie a drink. Nattie winces, saying it’s “a little sweet”. Naomi gives her a “WTF is wrong with you” look. (MATT: She almost bought a butt-plug for her cat to play with. There’s a lot wrong with Nattie.) Nattie asks Eva how she’s doing. Eva talks about the sushi meal with the Bellas and says that Nikki says she wants to talk. Nattie agrees that this is the best course of action. (MATT: YES! LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS SOME MORE!!!) Naomi calls what happened to Eva an “ambush” and says that that lunch with Nikki’s a “set-up”. Eva and Jon laaaaaugh. Nikki’s getting bombed outside on the deck overlooking San FranJose. Eva says that Nikki’s the top girl and should be setting an example.
The Farmer’s Union (Restaurant)
Man…this continues to be awesome. Matt and I have eaten there before Sharks games. Anyhow, Nikki, Brie and Daniel are having dinner. Brie’s having more booze. (MATT: I don’t think there’s been a shot of her without a champagne glass in this episode.) Brie wants to be pregnant. Nikki wants Brie to stay, then wonders where she will be next year. Daniel Bryan: “Alone.” Nikki sarcastically thanks him for his answer and asks the two of them if they even care about her and her need to “have a baby”. (MATT: WHAT?! Didn’t we already go through this?) Brie and Bryan say no. Bryan tells Nikki it’s her own fault. Nikki’s indignant and asks Bryan to clarify that. Bryan says that John has already said he doesn’t want kids. Nikki chose to stay with him anyhow. It doesn’t matter, he says. “For the betterment of our species, John needs to mate with somebody who is super athletic and super intelligent.” Nikki’s insulted by this and says she’s sooooo intelligent, claiming that she got a “3.2 GPA in high school”. Brie remembers it being a “2.8”. Bryan laughs. Nikki says that Brie should talk: she put her name in the wrong box on her SAT’s. Brie confirms this and says they “docked her 100 points for that”. For some reason, Bryan finds this to be high comedy. (MATT: RUN, DANIEL, RUN!)
1 DAY UNTIL WRESTLEMANIA…
The Fairmont Hotel
Nattie meets Alundra Blayze/Madusa in the lobby. Nattie’s inducting her into the WWE Hall of Fame and she’s excited because Blayze was awesome and kicked ass. Nattie says she wants to do Blayze justice.
Meanwhile, Mama Bella meets Nikki and Brie inside one of the conference rooms, presumably. They’re getting their hair and make-up done. Nikki says she’s gonna talk to Eva to see if they can sort things out. Her Mom is happy to hear that some diplomacy is in the works because the Divas are around each other 24/7 (MATT: Dressing…undressing…knitting exciting underwear…). Brie says it’s funny because Eva hasn’t been “around” at all. She’s been gone for 8 months. She keeps interrupting her Mom to make wise cracks about Eva and her Mom tells her to be quiet. Brie’s not having it and tells the camera she’s done with Eva Marie. Nikki says it sucks because everything’s so different now. She says to fix this and not listen to Brie.
Eva comes into the conference room with Nikki. Eva’s hair’s all done up and Nikki loves it. Layla hangs out, getting her hair and make-up done as well. Nikki and Eva go into another room. (MATT: This is painful. Here’s a snippet of the “conversation” to give you an idea:)
“We haven’t gotten to talk to you…since, like…all the drama…”
“I know! It’s been, like…huh?”
Nikki says that people have been going crazy because Eva thinks she’s above everyone else. (MATT: “And I’m just, like, here, like, to, like, drag you back to, like, our level.”) Nikki tells the camera that she came to get this fixed but Eva “is portraying herself as the victim (MATT: She is.) and, like, WHOA, what a bitch!” Nikki starts insulting Eva, saying she “isn’t a wrestler and nobody thinks of her as a wrestler. (MATT: This is darkly ironic.) Eva can’t even get a word in edgewise. Nikki says that’s why they don’t “talk about her or worry about her”. (MATT: Which is why Nikki’s worried about her…wait…what?) Eva says she’s been busting her ass and she says that Nikki should be setting the tone and not dragging everyone through the mud. She says Nikki’s just worried because she knows Eva can eventually get to the top. Nikki says you “can’t win the Divas Title in six months”. (MATT: “Only Paige and AJ can do something like that!”) Nikki calls Eva “comical” and tries to shift blame. Eva says that’s far from what she’s doing. Nikki disagrees and says, “I’m not stupid.”
(MATT: And I’m like…)
Nikki continues to browbeat her, then leaves the conversation and tells Eva to “figure it out”. Eva stands there, baffled, and says she is figuring it out. That’s what she’s been doing. Eva says Nikki came to her and that’s why she’s here. Nikki says that Eva thinks she’s a “bad champion”. Eva says that’s not what she said at all. Nikki tells Eva she’s “done” with her. They both go their separate ways. Eva takes off her mic equipment and tells the TD Production crew that she’s “done”.
Nikki goes back to her room and whines to Brie about things, saying she “almost punched Eva in the face”. She recaps everything for Brie and tells Brie she’s right. Brie: “That’s actually comical.” Nikki starts portraying herself as a victim and even turns on the waterworks, saying that she “means so much as a champion”. (MATT: She’s convinced half the locker room to get fake boobs.) Brie is upset that he sister is (MATT: Fake crying.) crying and says that Nikki is the best champion ever. She says that “people bullied Nikki online for her weight”. (MATT: No, they didn’t. It was one guy saying that Nikki was “phat”.)
Suddenly, it’s MAMABELLAOUTOFNOWHERE. She asks what’s going on. And the recap begins AGAIN. (MATT: Jesus christ…I’m gonna go make a sandwich…tell me when they stop recapping the same thing, ok?) Brie calls Eva an idiot and walks off like a spoiled child.
SAP Center for the WWE Hall of Fame
Nattie’s getting her make-up done and tells the make-up artist about how her Dad is making her crazy with demands. He wanted to wear a pink tie tonight so she had to go find one. She calls her Dad who tells her not to worry so much about him and he’s got the tie thing under control. Because of this, she can barely remember her speech. Suddenly, one of the WWE execs shows up and tells Nattie to kill the “Arn Anderson” portion of her induction speech. Nattie fights this to no avail. Nattie sighs and sits in a chair, getting her hair done.
Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella are interviewed about the Warrior Award. Bryan says that he gets emotional thinking about it. Nikki talks about how red-carpety things are cuz, like OMG, it’s like the prom!
Paige talks about her “gown” which “rebels” against other gowns. Eva shows up with Jon and nobody will talk to her in the hallways. She retreats to the breakroom so that she can feel better about things by “shoving lettuce in her mouth”. (MATT: Oh no, somebody stop her before she tries the dip.) Jon defends her Sheep/Lion quote. He says that she already won the argument without even arguing. He says that Eva’s a lion and that the other Divas are sheep. Lions do what lions do and sheep do what sheep do, so go be a lion. (MATT: He’s lion — er, LYIN’. OW!!! I’M JUST KIDDING!!!) They bump fists and she tells him that he has meat his teeth. He tells her he just ate two steaks. (MATT: Stop him before he tries the lettuce!)
Everyone is meeting backstage, taking pictures and what not. Nattie’s family shows up and she sobs to them about having her speech truncated. Her sister, Jenni, hugs her and so does Jim. Jim tells her to relax like he is. He yells in her face that he’s calm.
Daniel presents the Warrior Award to Connor Michalek. Brie gets all (MATT: Wet.) weepy (MATT: Same thing.) and says she can’t wait for Daniel to be a father to their kids.
Nattie presents her award to Alundra Blayze — and she decides to tell the Anderson story anyhow. Nattie says she’ll “wrestle”. She isn’t afraid.
THE DAY OF WRESTLEMANIA…
San Jose Convention Center for WWE Axxess
The Bellas are signing autographs. Eva Marie shows up. She’s excited to be there and says that so many people have said she can’t do something. She proves them wrong. When you do that, it’s nothing but silence.
LEVI’S STADIUM for WrestleMania 31
The Bellas go out to the stadium to take a look. Paige is with them. They’re all so excited. Nikki immediately melts back into the “passion for the business” bullshit. They all hug. Nikki says “I’m glad we’re all on the card tonight…it’s so deserving”. (MATT: Thaaaat’s not how you say that…) Eva’s here and backstage. She’s not on the card but vows to be so next year.
As the stadium starts filling up, more backstage shenanigans take place. Nattie tells her dumb “Lawler puppies” joke to Layla. Layla tells her the “kitties” line means “va-jay-jay”. Nattie had no idea. Bret Hart shows up. Neidhart looks at Nattie’s weird jacket and asks were her “whip” is. Nattie freaks out and says she “needs to find one”. (MATT: Can we stop pretending she’s a dominatrix already?)
Michael Cole welcomes everyone to WrestleMania. Nattie escorts Cesaro and Tyson Kidd out to the ring for the big Fatal Four-Way Tag Title Match. The match is the usual insanity. Naomi prides herself on “hitting Nattie in the face with her ass” while Nattie locks Torito in a Sharpshooter. Cesaro and Kidd win the day
Naomi greets Jimmy Uso’s kids, Jadian and Jayla backstage. He asks if they’re proud of her. They meet Alicia Fox.
“Mommy…it looks like you guys lost…is that true?”
“Well…yeah, honey…but we had fun…”
“You had fun losing?”
“No…I mean, yes. We’re losing but we’re having fun.”
“Did you hit that girl with your butt?”
“YES! Didn’t that look fun?”
It’s the Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match. Daniel Bryan is introduced and Brie Bella is beaming backstage. Nikki wants to stay. Brie wants to be a mother. Alundra hears them both out as they watch Daniel Bryan become Intercontinental Champion.
Paige is psyched for her future and starts to cry a little as this is WrestleMania and she has butterflies. For some reason, Nikki and Brie practice in the stadium bar.
It’s time for the Divas tag match. Paige is out with AJ. The remaining Divas gawk over Paige’s jacket and how awesome it is. The Bellas make their way down to the ring. Brie says she can’t wait to tell her kids about this. Paige loves the atmosphere. Brie is proud of the division. AJ falls out of the ring and the Divas, backstage, criticize her. (MATT: Vince is like, “What? I had nothing to do with this editing job…”) AJ wins with the Black Widow. Cameron pees her pants about it.
Paige cries backstage and she loves Nikki who’s a “great champion” who has “helped her a lot”. Nikki talks about how fearless she is. Everyone pats their backs.
ONE WEEK LATER…
The doctor says that Brie is ovulating normally and she’s fertile. Daniel Bryan is a fucking sperm machine, creating three times the amount of sperm as a normal human being. Brie’s ready to be a parent tonight. She says she can’t wait to start trying and says she can be both a Diva and a mother. So, she’ll stay. (MATT: She will?!) Daniel agrees and says they can “try on the road”.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Agora Churrascaria (Restaurant)
Eva and Jon have lunch. Eva met with Ronda Rousey’s agent and she signed with him. She says that now that this is over and done with, she’s ready to be the biggest, baddest Diva. (MATT: And she’s doing a great job, being included in the new…Divas…Division…wait…where’s Eva?)
That’s it for this week…
PUNCHES AND HUGS
This week’s hug goes to…Natalya: Even though her “You can’t say this stuff” plot was phony, she finally got the balls to go against the grain. Her induction speech was memorable and Anderson was a trooper for playing along.
This week’s punch goes to…Nikki Bella: Let’s see…turning arguments around to suit her, insulting and browbeating Eva, making everyone else’s problems about her…I’m surprised she didn’t accompany Brie and Daniel to the doctor so she could tell them what to do if things “went wrong”.
This week’s hug goes to…TIE – Eva Marie: I’d go with Paige for being so emotional but she’s an idiot for going along with the Bellas. I pick Eva for having the balls to call Nikki on her selfish bullshit and standing up for herself. Nikki Bella’s like that spoiled prom queen who acts nice in front of everyone but treats everyone, individually, like shit.
Worst Diva of the Week…do I even need to mention her name? Nikki Bella: Fuck, saying that name makes me feel like I’m giving Voldemort energy. I cannot state just how awful she was and how pathetic WWE is to use editing to make her look like a victim.