BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE


We see a replay of Brian Bayless yelling at his cousin Bobby last week, going in slo-mo when Brian called out Bobby for having “Cruiserweight Thighs.” 

Earlier today, Abeyance arrived at the BoD arena, but wasn’t able to park in the lot, as he’s been informed that the World Heavyweight Champion, Jef Vinson, had parked his stretch limo across several BOD NXT parking spots and Abeyance’s, so he’ll have to park at the Arby’s parking lot 7 blocks away. Abeyance looks on as Vinson’s valet smirks at him through the limo’s sunroof, with the champ nowhere in sight.

Fast Eddie is outside of Bobby Bayless’ door. He tells us that Bobby is too sad about what happened last week and will not speak to anyone. The door opens a crack as Eddie puts a YooHoo into Bobby’s hand. 

Folks, lets check out how the Job Mob celebrated their weekend:
We are at the Job Mob Mansion as flunkies Trunk Barlow and Roth Munson attempt to hang a “Golden State Warriors 2015 NBA Champions” banner.


Jobber: (yells at the jabonis) Hey, watch that banner. Its worth more than what we pay you. 
(turns his attention to the blunt he is rolling)
Zanatude: Yo boss, are we going to get a new member of our crew or what?
Jobber: Soon, my man. Soon. (sparks up the blunt). You know, that dumb fuck Bobby Bayless disrespected us and as a result, he will have to pay. 
Chartock: What do you have in mind?
Jobber: I got something planned. (pissed off over the banner being slightly crooked, as seen through his telescope). Hey! If you two want to be part of the Job Mob, you need to learn how to hang a banner). 
Zanatude: Those two are not going to be in it, are they?
Jobber: (Laughs) Hell no, I am just fucking with them. (Phone rings). Hey guys, I gotta go. (watches Munson and Barlow fall off the ladder then at Zanatude & Chartock) Which one of you H-bombed them again? I need them to do shit today. 
Zanatude & Chartock: (Point at each other) He did it!!!!

It’s time for a qualifying match for the BOD Elimination Chamber! And here’s the spotlight, which can mean only one thing – yes, it’s John Petuka! He stands at the top of the ramp, head down, until the spotlight reaches him and he raises his arms skyward….he points to the seats and a second spotlight shines on THE SIGN~! “BODMania III….with John Peutka” is on full display, and John stares at it, taking it in. He heads to the ring, pointing at the sign the whole way, big-ass grin on his face. He grabs the stick: “John Petuka is heading for the main event at BODMania III, and there’s no better way to ensure that I’ll get there than by being the World Champ! So, bring on my opponent so I can give him a brush….with Petuka!” And that’s the music of his opponent, Timeandtherani, looking for a big win to catapult him into the title scene!





BoD Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match
John Petuka vs Andy PG

They lockup, and Andy gains the quick advantage with a wristlock. Petuka throws elbows to break, and they lock up again, and again Andy with the wristlock. He tries to take Petuka down, but Petuka reverses, then goes to the headlock. Andy shoots him off the ropes, but Petuka is ready with the clothesline! He drops an elbow on Andy, then another. Third one, but this time Andy rolls out of the way. Andy with kicks to the chest, and a quick cradles gets 2. He goes to a chinlock, but Petuka gets to his feet quickly and drops down in a jawbreaker. Petuka with a swinging neckbreaker, and a BIG delayed suplex! 1,2, no! Petuka with the stomps, and he goes to the second rope…..and Andy crotches him! Andy looks to be going for a superplex, and they exchange rights and lefts on the top of the turnbuckles, which Andy wins….superplex! 1,2, no! Petuka barely survives! Andy to the top now, and a Savage style double axehandle for a 1 count. Andy off the ropes, but Petuka ducks a clothesline and hits a beautiful dropkick to send Andy to the outside. Petuka looks to be going after him, but the referee backs him off…..and from the crowd, is that kbjone? It is! He’s wearing the PetukaMania shirt (exclusively available beginning this Tuesday on BOD Shopzone!) and carrying his trusty chair with him! Andy is getting back in the ring….chairshot from kbjone! The ref didn’t see it! Andy falls back into the ring as kbjone skips around the ring with his chair! Petuka comes over, looking confused, then at kbjone. kbjone: “I know you can do it, John! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!” Petuka looks more disturbed than anything else, but he still loads Andy up…..PETUKA BAZOOKA! No one gets up from that. 1,2,3. And John Petuka is heading to the Elimination Chamber. Running towards the ring is Logan Scisco….and kbjone takes HIM out with the chair! He turns to the camera. “PETUKA IS GONNA WIN IT ALL!!!” He grabs his chair and runs towards the back, leaving behind both carnage and a very confused John Petuka.

We have some breaking news backstage in the parking lot with Wade Michael Meltzer on the scene. He looks at the carnage as Camp Cleveland has attacked Strike Force and Biscuit in the parking lot with 2015 Cleveland Cavaliers NBA Championship merchandise and memorabilia. Well, its the only use for that stuff. White Thunder dumps boxes of t-shirts into Matt Indeed’s cherished Chrysler LeBaron. Everyone in Camp Cleveland grabs a coffee pot and smashes it off of the head of Mar Solo!!!! His head is pouring blood that is mixed into the special brew that is also on the ground. Biscuit tries to fight off the trio but WWF1987 hits a gutbuster as Biscuit is down. White Thunder is stomping on Indeed then signals for Mikey to get the bus!!!!! What is going on here!!!!!!!!!! Mikey gets in the bus and revs the engine. WWF1987 and White Thunder give him the thumbs up and Mikey floors it and smashes into the LeBaron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My god, Indeed was one payment away from owning that!!!! Camp Cleveland is now laughing as Strike Force and Biscuit are on the ground in pain while a 1987 Chrysler Lebaron burns. DAMN YOU, CAMP CLEVELAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the back, Justice Gray is doing pushups as former GM Bayless approaches.
Bayless: What do you want, Gray? I’m trying to do something about all this crap we’re seeing.
Gray: Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to go over some strategies for our six-man title match. 
Bayless: Who the fuck cares? What about Gary? Talk to him.
Gray: (Jerks his thumb towards the corner) Can’t. Bobby gave him the Sam’s Club card and his credit card last week. 
We see that Rockstar Gary is lying on top of 7 empty barrels of Jack Daniels. Justice shakes his head.
Gray: That man can hold his booze better than anyone I’ve ever seen. He should have been dead 3 days ago. Instead, he just passes out for random intervals and wakes back up.
Rockstar: BARREL! (Passes back out)
Gray: It’s crazy. I wanna submit him to Guinness. Anyway, want to figure out…..Bayless?
(He looks around, but Bayless is already gone) Jeez. Oh well, back to training before I make Bobby his mac and cheese for dinner.
Rockstar: BARREL! (Passes back out)
Anchor Cheese Presents:
Average Joe Everyman vs. Kaptain Kiwi w/ The Brothers Garea
Kiwi comes down to the ring on his royal horse. Joe is drinking out of a flask in the corner. He points it at Kiwi to see if he wants any but Kiwi stares him down. The bell rings as Joe just drinks until the flask is gone. Kiwi sees this opportunity and uses a dropkick!!!! Wow, big highspot from the adopted New Zealander. Joe swings and misses as Kiwi locks on the Garea Stretch!!!!!! Joe is too drunk to tap but passes out in the deadly hold as Kiwi wins. Hold on just one minute. Extant1979 and Biff Kensington come out to the ring and Extant has something to say. 

“Listen up you Pittsfield shit farmers, as the one and only editor of the BoD, I have two things to say. (Lets the crowd boo for a bit) I’m surprised with your lack of education that you were able to recognize that I was insulting you. But here is what I came to say: First, Nick Piers, wherever you are on your book tour, when you come back, I will show you exactly who the real writer of the BoD is and finally edit that piece of crap your wrote once and for all. And last but not least, Kaptain Kiwi, That Solid B+ Player Title is mine. And all the Anchor Cheese in the world will not stop me from getting the belt. Because at Kensington Enterprises, we get the gold. And we will not stop until we get it all”


Kiwi and the Brothers Garea stare at Extant and Biff as they walk away. 

Let’s check in with the BoD’s newest tag team sensation, the Herbkunzes!
Redstorm: BoD, I know what you’re thinking – when you’re hanging with the Herbkunzes, you’re in for a wild time! Dock, what did you do this weekend?
Dock Muraco: Let me tell you, Storm; I made 4 comp tapes of Michinoku Pro stuff from the late 90s and sent them to my family members as a late Christmas gift. I made sure that all the eras were completely mixed up and none of the commentary was in English, to ensure maximum confusion for my sister especially. She’ll be doubly confused, since she doesn’t have a VCR anymore. (He thinks for a moment) Come to think of it, I’m not sure that my parents do either. What about you?
Redstorm: Same thing, but with the Best of the Super Juniors tournament matches! (They high-five!) My idiot kid brother told me that noone uses VCRs anymore, but that’s not true; it’s just like record players, it’s retro! Plus, it’s the only way that REAL fans who understand wrestling can watch it. Right, Dock?
Dock: You know it, man! Anyway, we also spent part of the week in the ring, getting ready for our bout tonight! We knew that after last week, which was admittedly only about 3 and a half stars –
Redstorm: Well, we can’t account for our opponents, you know?
Dock: Exactly, exactly. Still, if Flair could carry a broomstick to 3 stars, the Herbkunzes are going to be the first tag team to carry a bamboo shoot to 4 stars, amiright?
Redstorm: Right on the head, Dock! Remember….
Together: WORKRATE! WORKRATE! WORKRATE!
They head out of the interview area towards the ring! 
And here come the Herbkunzes, tablets in hand, posting during their entrances! Apparently, Redstorm11 has been tweeting about a card at the Tokyo Dome from July of ten years ago, while Dock is posting a Youtube video of Nakamura/Goto with a message in all caps “THIS IS WORKRATE”….in a forum about the casting for the 4th Jurassic Park film. And now hit the music of The Drivers, Juvy and Spicolli, who take the bus.  And we’re ready for this tag team battle!  






The Herbkunzes vs The Drivers

It looks like we’re going to start with Muraco and Juvy. They circle, Muraco shoots and wraps him up on a go-behind, wristlock, stretching to a Wakigatamae. Juvy quickly escapes to the ropes, and now it’s collar and elbow. Juvy grabs the headlock, Muraco shoots him off, drops down, Juvy over and off the far rope, Muraco with a drop-toehold and a leglock, looking to stretch him for a stepover into a Spidernest, but Juvy quickly wiggles out, and he tags in Spicolli. Spicolli comes right after Muraco, who backs into a corner as Macklin starts to throw chops…..and a closed fist? Oh, boy. Redstorm goes BALLISTIC on the apron, screaming “PALM STRIKE ONLY, MORON! NO FISTS IN A WRESTLING MATCH!!!” He gets the attention of Spicolli, who looks to be going over to the corner…..but here’s Muraco from behind with a Rolling Elbow! Spicolli goes down, and here’s the tag. Redstorm heads in, and he immediately wraps him up in a Stretch Plum. He really cranks on it, and Spicolli is in pain. Juvy is shouting encouragement to his partner, but Spicolli is caught in the wrong corner. Redstorm releases the hold and wraps Spicolli up….”WORKRATE!” he shouts! Ocean Cyclone Suplex! 1,2, and Cresto is in to break it up. Redstorm sets Spicolli up again…..Machine Windmill Suplex! 1,2, and Spicolli barely kicks out! Redstorm drags him over to the corner, and tags in Muraco. Muraco’s with a split-legged moonsault! He covers, 1,2, no! He’s ready and setting him up for the Falcon Arrow….but Spicolli gets out! Big thrust kick to the back of Muraco’s head! He’s down, and they’re both crawling for the tag….Muraco makes the tag! Spicolli makes the tag! Here comes Juvy! He’s a house afire, chops, forearm smashes! “No fists, huh motherfucker?” BIG RIGHT HAND! Uh-oh, that may have been a mistake….Redstorm is HULKING UP! “NO FISTS IN A WRESTLING MATCH! PALM STRIKES ONLY!” He roars, and fires palm strikes at Juvy! Forearm smashes! He’s lost it! Off the ropes, spinning back elbow! “WORKRATE!” He gets Juvy up….Thunder Fire Driver! 1,2, he pulled Juvy up! “One more thing!” He sets up the double underhook….Tiger Driver ’91!! Juvy may be dead! 1,2,3. And the Herbkunzes have picked up another win, but Redstorm is still angry! He grabs Spicolli, still recovering on the apron, and loads him up….Sasuke killer to Spicolli!! 

Robert Davis is in the bowels of the BoD Arena, swinging Jughead back and forth, carrying a large sack. He finally reaches the furnace, whistling a jaunty tune: 

“Davis: Biff, oh Biff. It’s all coming to an end soon, Biff. The Riverdale Covenant is going to bring you to your knees, and our capacity for mercy has been…..spent. (He reaches into the bag and pulls out a $100 bill, resplendent with a sticker of Biff’s face over it.) The time has come to cleanse the BoD of you, Kensington Enterprises. For my master. (Davis dumps the sack of $100 bills – is that Biff’s money? – into the furnace and the flames leap high into the air. Davis throws back his head and laughs.) Welcome to Riverdale, Biff. Welcome….to the End.”



And lets head backstage with the writers as they work on the 4th of July skit: 
Writer #1: Okay, lets go!!!!!!

TatR: Argh, matey. Why I reckon those injuns stole our shrimp
Dean Andrews: And are crumpets too!!!!!
TatR: Lets to down to the 7-11 and scalp some wompum (just shakes his head in shame)
Jose Gomez: (Stereotypical Indian sounds, working behind the counter) Me have wompum and slushee, what do you need?
TatR: We want our shrimp and crumpets you stole from us to build your casino
Peyton Drinking: (with a tomahawk, wearing a turbin) Woo Woo Woo, go back to the Ponderosa before I set it on fire with my spirits. 

Night & X-Man walk by and look disgusted by what they see. 
Outside the arena, the mysterious BBQ Truck pulls up. The license plate reads “PER WAR.” The door opens as a few empty beer bottles spill out. The camera pans up and we see…………………..Mike Mears!!!!!!! He is back and baked this Monday night. He then goes back and makes some pulled pork nachos as he spills stuff all over the place. The finish product looks sloppy yet reportedly delicious as he tells us that he will make his return to the ring next week. 
Let’s head backstage to check in with the BoD World Champ, Jef Vinson!
Vinson: You know, as a man who always beats the odds, I’m really glad that there’s an elimination chamber match coming up, because it was looking like my next challenger was going to be Abeyance. And it’s really hard to beat the odds when they’re so heavily tilted in your favor, you know? (He and his valet laugh) But seriously, Abeyance; I know that you were gone while I was dealing with Cult, and you may have forgotten how things work around here. Allow me to reeducate you. You are nothing. You have not, and will not, ever be a threat to THIS BoD World Title – in fact, the closest you’ll ever come to it again is if you –
WHAM! Abeyance has crashed the interview! Lefts and rights are being thrown and the fight is on! Abeyance and Vinson are brawling all over the backstage area, but from behind, it’s Vinson’s valet! Purse to the back of the head! And now, Vinson is taking over. Sets Abeyance up….Powerbomb through the catering table! Abeyance is lying in a pile of meat as Vinson wipes some stray blood off his lip and spits it on Abeyance’s prone body. Vinson laughs as he and his valet head out. 
And now, here is Stranger in the Alps to tell us all about the all exclusive to Tout BoD Network: 
Sitting near the fireplace at his home in the Alps, sipping on hot cocoa while getting off the phone with Amazon, asking where his Peter Manoogian film collection that he ordered last week is at it was overdue:


Oh, hello boys and girls. I am here to tell you to all do your homework, get good grades, and be extra nice to your siblings so your parents can fork over a cool $1.99 to get the BoD Network. You can look back at the inaugural BoD Mania to see the match between Jobber and Cultstatus for the BoD Title, one of the many times GM Brian Bayless failed to screw over Jef Vinson, or see how Happening Harry Broadhurst never does the job. Plus, all new shows like “It’s all Mine” where Hoss visits Ice Cream Parlors and the history of BoD Meltdowns. And if that isnt enough, get all the exclusive events like BoD Team Challenge Series and BoD Velocity. So, be a good boy and girl and……(handed a script to say next). What? Look, I am not saying any of this. You know I am a former champion. And I got a promotion. Yeah, a promotion at work. I bring the soda and ice to the parties now. So that means I read and write my own scripts. What’s that, I dont and I signed a contract. Okay, okay I will say this next time. 
Backstage, DBSM is with his C-List posse. He tells them to be on the same page as he attempts to qualify for the BoD Elimination Chamber
BoD Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match
Parallax vs. DBSM w/ C-List Posse


DBSM gulps as the last time he saw Parallax, he ate a curbstomp. Match starts with Steve Decker providing a distraction by smacking a baseball bat against the ringpost, allowing DBSM to attack from behind. DBSM targets the back as he takes control in the early stages. DBSM tries a corner splash but Parallax dodges then hits a reverse neckbreaker off of the rebound. Parallax sets up for the curbstomp but DBSM rolls outside and regroups. Parallax looks pissed as DBSM rests up before coming back inside. Parallax uses a hammerlock but DBSM cheapshots off of the break and goes back on offense. DBSM hits an Emerald Frosion for two as he then yells at the ref for counting slow as Steve Decker is losing his shit. DBSM heads up top for a senton but Parallax rolled away. Both men are down and start brawling when they get back up. Parallax ducks a clothesline and comes back with a jumping back elbow smash. Parallax then hits a basement dropkick and a standing moonsault in a quick sequence before heading up top where he leaps and hits the curbstomp, getting the win!!!!!!!!! The camera cuts backstage where Jef Vinson has the belt over his shoulder, standing next to his valet. He nods and leaves as she stares at the screen..until Vinson pulls her away.