Dean Andrews & Timeandtherani vs The Herbkunzes
Backstage, Kaptain Kiwi is with Sir Tony Garea:
Sir Tony: Son, ya aint got much of a fight next week as you got that Average Joe Everyman in a match. He is drunker than Kiwifruit tree soaking in Fosters
Kiwi: (Garea stare in full effect) He has koala shit for brains too.
Sir Tony: Attaboy, Kiwi! Ya go after the bastard and stretch him out real good too!!!!!!!!
Kiwi: (maintains Garea stare)
Biscuit has been traveling with Strike Force as they will face Camp Cleveland next week. Camp Cleveland is on a bus back to Cleveland as we speak.
Indeed: Biscuit, lets see your new look!
Biscuit: (walks out and looks quite uncomfortable): I dont like this jacket
Mar Solo: (Runs around with coffee while giving high-fives)
Biscuit: (thinks he is being ribbed, proceeds to go to the Strike Force bathroom, presumably to get them back by taking an upper decker.
We see a BBQ Truck driving around with a few empty beer bottles tossed out as it will apparently pull into town next week.
And here is the highlights from Hoss at last week’s New England Ice Cream Competition:
We are somewhere in Vermont as 25 local creameries have brought their finest ice creams. Hoss, with Biff Kensington III holding the Money on the Table Briefcase, sits down at the table as the ice cream is brought up to him.
Hoss: ALRIGHT, BRING ME ICE CREAM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Contestant #1: Here is some of my homemade Chocolate Chip Crunch ice cr……….(Hoss snatches it from his hand)
Hoss: (Takes out his scoopin’ spoon and samples the ice cream) THIS IS GOOD!!! PUT THE REST IN MY VAN
Contestant #1: Uh, I don’t…..
Hoss: (Angrier than usual) SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND PUT THE ICE CREAM IN MY VAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hoss stands up as Contestant #1 runs away and heads towards his ice cream).
WHO IS NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Contestant #2: Here is some Heath Bar Crunch
Hoss: (Inspects the cup) WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY
Contestant #2: I made some ice cream
Hoss: WHAT ELSE DID YOU DO AND DONT YOU LIE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Contestant #2: I worked on my garden
Hoss: WHAT KIND OF GARDEN!!!!!
Contestant #2: I plant daffodils and my own tomatoes and……………(his own ice cream sample gets thrown at his face
Hoss: (irate) YOU CONTAMINATED THE SAMPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU TOUCHED THE HEALTH FOOD!!!!!! YOU ARE DISQUALIFIED!!!!!!!!!! (Contestant #2 runs away as #HOSSINTUITION scrolls on the screen).
Contestant #3: Here is my sample (Hands Hoss ice cream on a stick)
Hoss: Come here
Contestant #3: Yes sir!
Hoss: (Out of his mind) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS HILLBILLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!! I DONT EAT ICE CREAM ON A STICK. (Hoss backhands the contestant then hits him with the Pantsshitter before chokeslamming him through the table.
Biff: Contestants, now is the time where you hand in everything you brought into our van or else (points at the injured contestant. All the others now get their samples into the van ASAP)
Petuka walks that aisle and pauses when he gets to the bottom of the ramp, bouncing back and forth like Lesnar, and snaps his fingers – bang! The “BOD Mania III….with John Petuka” banner is unfurled! Petuka takes a deep breath and POINTS TO THE SIGN! He’s ready to go! Lockup, and Petuka grabs the headlock. Psycho shoots him off, Petuka with a quick shoulderblock! Criss-cross, Psycho pops up with a lariat, ducked by Petuka, who comes off the ropes with a lariat of his own! Petuka picks him up, backs him into the corner, raining rights and lefts, whips him cross-corner, Psycho hits him with a boot on the blind charge. Psycho with a standing dropkick and he goes up. Bodypress off the top rope! 1,2, no! He sends Petuka off the ropes, looking for the back body drop, Petuka over with the sunset flip, 1,2, no! Petuka with the boots, and we hit the chinlock. Psycho fights up, elbows to the mid-section, off the ropes, Petuka ducks and here’s a belly-to-back suplex. Petuka makes the motion for the PETUKA BAZOOKA, but Psycho slips out and delivers a superkick! 1,2, No! So close! Psycho heads up to the top, but Petuka crotches him! Petuka up….superplex! And now, the PETUKA BAZOOKA! 1,2,3! Another win for John Petuka!
And now lets see how the Job Mob did at Game 5 of last night’s NBA Finals:
(We are in a luxury box as Jobber chops up some lines of coke while Zanatude rolls a blunt.)
Jobber: Hey Zanatude, how’s the blunt looking
Zanatude: (Double fisting brews) Good!
Jobber: (Phone Rings) Yo, make two 2015 Golden State Warriors NBA Champion rings. Hold on. “yo, anyone else wanna championship ring?”
Chartock: Can you smoke it?
Zanatude: Yeah, can you smoke it
Jobber: (To the jeweler) Hey, can you smoke these if necessary? I guess you cant smoke them guys
Zanatude: Fuck it
Chartock: I’ll take a beer
Jobber: Just two and put them on Bobby Bayless’ tab. That motherfucker screwed me over. And I aint going back until I get my respect. (Phone rings) Yo, whats up. I am glad you called back (shuts door to the luxury box)
Once again, the “Pride of Canada” match is postponed as it was scheduled during the Stanley Cup Finals. Here we see a clip of Mister E Mahn, collecting 6 awards at the Swahili Awards For Excellence. PrimeTime Ten is shown at home wearing a Wayne Gretzky jersey while pointing and laughing at a poster of Patrick Stefan. Next week, folks.
Fuj vs. “The Texas Trainwreck” Bobby
The Fuj is back as Bobby greets him with an attack from behind. Bobby stomps a mudhole in Fuj, who is lying in the corner. Bobby stops to ring his cowbell then tries a Bronco Buster but Fuj dodges the attack. Fuj gets up and goes for the ankle lock but Bobby manages to escape outside. Fuj doesnt care and flies out with a clothesline as the Fuj now stands and looks at the crowd, who applauds. Fuj rolls Bobby back inside and hits a butterfly suplex. Fuj now grapevines the leg to soften Bobby up for the ankle lock then applies the hold. Fuj is about to put Bobby away but Hart Killer runs out and attacks the Fuj from behind for the DQ. Hart Killer now pulls out a lighter and a can of hairspray. OH MY GOD, HE IS GOING TO BURN HIM. Fuj manages to sweep Hart Killer then scoops up the lighter and kicks the can to the floor. Hart Killer gets up and hits Fuj low then stomps away. Bobby comes too and he joins in as Hart Killer grabs the bullrope and they attempt to hang the Fuj!!!!!!! They tie up the Fuj and now drape him over the ropes!!! Bobby runs out to grab a chair but several officials come down to break it up. Hart Killer gloats as Bobby rings his cowbell while the crowd pelts them with garbage.
BoD Network is proud to introduce their new spokesman, former Writer’s Champion, Stranger in the Alps. Here is some footage of Stranger in the Alps signing the endorsement deal at the local Papa John’s while enjoying a tasty slice of pulled pork pizza. Next week, we will get our first commercial!
A single streetlight is lit on a dark avenue, and Archie Stackhouse strolls underneath the light.
Curtzerker w/ Biff Kensignton vs. Logan Scisco & Andy PG
The HUSS section is in full effect tonight. The Berzerker once again tries to go out to them but Biff Kensington brings him back. Match starts with Andy and Logan working over Curtis Williams as the Berkzerker HUSSES. HUSS! HUSS! Biff trips up Logan then Curtis drops an elbow before tagging the Berzerker, who hits a pair of big boots and a HUSS drop. Berzerker charges but Logan rolls away then hits a dropkick before tagging Andy, who is a house of fire. Not HUSS of fire. Andy attempts to clean house but Williams knees him in the back from the apron then tags himself into the match. Williams elbows Logan to the floor then slams Andy before applying the HUSS lock as the Berzeker screams HUSS!!!! HUSS!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Andy has no choice but to tap as Curtzerker wins again. Biff climbs in the ring with the belts and is there any team that can beat these guys?
DBSM w/ C-List Posse vs. “Lone Wolf” Bill Ray
More problems between the C-List Posse as Steve Decker, possibly in the midst of a psychotic break, is now wearing camouflage and plastic grenades on his belt while the Harvey Grant and Jamiroquai almost come to blows. DBSM tries to get in between them as all hell is breaking loose. Ray, in the ring looking for a fight, sees the referee counting as DBSM is with his posse and gets counted out!!!! The guy who played Waldo on “Family Matters” pushes Michael Winslow as a melee breaks out until Steve Decker tries to set some of his plastic grenades on fire. Everyone switches their attention to him then Mark Linn-Baker walks out. DBSM runs after him as Bill Ray looks angry after getting a cheap win.
Lets check on some backstage happenings:
Dancin’ Devin Harris: Hey man, that street fight last week was embarrassing
FunkDoc: Yeah, I like fun and all but that was just wrong.
DDH: Almost made me ashamed to………………..GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FunkDoc: I hear that.
(Night & X Man walk in)
Night: After last week, maybe you Uncle Tom’s arent so bad after all
DDH: Who the fuck are you calling Uncle Tom?
X Man: Calm down. Do you realize that they had us in a Harlem Street fight with just stereotypes and incorrect ones at that.
Night: Yeah, and I have a peanut allergy
Funk Doc: Not what I heard (Slaps hands with DDH)
Night: All I am saying is that we are not all that different
DDH: Oh, but we are. You see, we are not miserable like you two. And we like to have a good time. Just because we both thought last week’s stipulations were bad doesnt mean we are tight.
X Man: Keep on dancin then. Maybe you will both get that Soul Train appearance no one has been looking forward too (Night & X Man leave as DDH & FunkDoc look at them and then at each other).
Wade: Biff, I have to ask – do you have any worries about the Riverdale Covenant?
Biff: (looks at him in disgust) The Riverdale WHO? Please stop speaking in my presence. Let’s not bother with those high school rejects, let’s talk about the future B+ champion, Extant, and the future World Champion, the Money on the Table holder, Hoss! You see, money has made the men, as it does for all the members of Kensington Enterprises, and soon, it will allow us to hold all the gold; because, let’s face it, if there was one thing that Biff Kensington was born to do, it was tend to the gold. Soon, Kensington Enterprises will unleash the rest of our master plan to ensure that everyone will carry that sweet, sweet precious metal around their waist. Tell them, Extant”
Extant: “It’s true, BoD. Biff Kensington has already revealed his master plan to me, and I admit, I didn’t fully realize his brilliance until I saw how thoroughly he prepared for every eventuality. I WILL defeat that Packers fan wannabe cheesehead Kiwi for the BoD B+ Championship, and fulfill the promise I have always had here in the BoD. And Hoss? He’s the uncrowned world champion for a reason. When he DECIDES he wants that belt, playtime with Vinson and Abeyance is OVER.” Biff cackles and hands Meltzer a $100 bill; while Wade admires it, Biff snatches it back and throws a roll of pennies at him as Kensington Enterprises leave the interview area.
And now, Bobby Bayless is in the ring for the State of the Union Address:
Hey pals, HA HA HA. LETS HAVE SOME FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But first lets talk about the Battleground PPV. We are going to have an Elimination Chamber Match for the title. But, I made a new elimination chamber and its gonna be fun. Lets roll the footage:
(We see the Elimination Chamber structure as it now features two slides, a trampoline, and a ball pit. Plus, a plastic pink flamengo, a chocolate fountain, and some packaging peanuts)
The camera cuts to the crowd, who are shocked, then back to Bobby as he tells us the qualifying matches will take place next week. But wait a minute, here comes Bobby’s cousin, Brian.
Brian: Stop. Bobby, you need to stop. (Holds the script for the 4th of July sketch). What the else is this, Bobby?
Bobby: That’s a script of fun stuff! And its historical too!
Brian: What the fuck is historical about this? You have cowboys, from England, who like shrimp on the barbie? That is an Australian stereotype, not for cowboys and the British!!!!
Bobby: Like Kaptain Kiwi and Sir Tony Garea!
Brian: NO! Like Crocodile Dundee. (Bobby is confused) The Crocodile in Los Angeles
Bobby: HA HA HA HA HA, I like the guy who hunts the crocies!!!!
Brian: And Bobby, there is nothing about the Indians in the 4th of July.
Bobby: What about the big chief? I like Kevin McHale too
Brian: Dammit Bobby, Robert Parish is not an Indian chief!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is a basketball player and you know what else? THEY DIDNT SERVE SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS AT THANKSGIVING DINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bobby: I knew it! They had chicken nuggets!!!!!
Brian: (takes several deep breaths) Bobby, why does the Elimination Chamber look like the inside of a Chuck E Cheese?
Bobby: Its fun and Fast Eddie and his friends will put it together!!!
Brian: Bobby, they are not pros. They might get these guys killed.
Bobby: That’s not fun.
Brian: Its not and you know why, because you are a fucking idiot, just like the time you fell off of the roof or the time we put Doritos down your pants while you were asleep and stomped them and that morning we convinced you that you gave birth.
Bobby: I had Dorito Babies! I wish they were Swedish Fish!
Brian: You fucking idiot! (crowd taken aback at how verbally abusive Brian has become). You ruined everything. You have the Big Man From Saskatoon in the palm of your hand and rolling in dough and for what, for you to make a mockery of everything. (Walks away) And by the way, you have the thighs of a cruiserweight. (Brian slams the mic down and walks away as Bobby looks sad in the ring. The crowd is in shock as to how mean Brian was as he leaves)