Justice Gray is backstage. He asks were Rockstar Gary and Average Joe Everyman are as he learns from an assistant that Bobby accidentally flew half of the roster to Montana by accident. Justice cant believe this as his 6-man Title match is off of the table for tonight, and the card is short on matches. Bobby walks by with a Snickers bar and jokes about Justice having “cruiserweight thighs” as he laughs hysterically.
Before we show, lets see what took place at the Anchor Cheese BoD Fanzone.
All of a sudden, Nick Piers comes through, holding copies of his books. He looks at his former partner then laughs.
And now it’s time for the ‘Party in your Mouth Tommy Rich Tribute match’. A warning flashes on the screen telling parents to remove young children from the arena as a handcart pushed by recent BoD NXT callup daveschelet brings the light tubes down to the ringside area. Rockstar Gary stands ready with two shot glasses and a liter of cinnammon schnapps, all the while just downing belts from his own bottle of Jack Daniels. And here’s the sound of ‘Ode to Joy’ as two giant wedges of Anchor cheese are lowered from the ceiling, a single spotlight trained on them. Justice Gray removes it from the tether and will be in charge of the cheese.
Murph’s music, “Ride the Lightning” by Metallica plays as he stalks to the ring, bouncing off the ropes and not taking his eyes off the entrance ramp as he waits. And here’s the opening riff of “Civil War” by GNR, as Adam Curry appears, flanked by the rest of the six-man tag champions. Curry hands his belt to Kyle Warne, nods to Cabspaintedyellow, and they pat him on the back and head to the back. Curry slowly walks to the ring as Murph stalks back and forth, their eyes locked. Curry slowly goes up the steps, as the intensity is off the charts.
Both wrestlers stare at each other from the corner as Rockstar hands each of them a shot of fine, fine cinammon schnapps. They each shoot quickly, the bell rings, and we’re underway. They circle each other, shrug, and jump from the ring, each of them grabbing a light tube and returning to the ring, circling again. “C’mon, Curry! Take a shot, pussy!” Adam Curry gets a look in his eye, and he takes the first swing! He misses and Murph takes a home run shot that connects to the rib of Curry! Curry doubles over and Murph breaks it over Curry’s back! Shards go flying and first blood goes to Murph as he laughs over his fallen adversary. Murph picks him up and plays to the crowd…..and Curry with the greco-roman ballshot! We’re not even pretending this won’t be mindless violence, are we? Curry with a few closed fists to the head of Murph as he picks up his light tube and twirls it…..puts it across Murph’s throat and hits a side Russian legsweep! Curry howls in pain as the shards of glass in his back are driven in deeper and the blood begins to flow in earnest! Both wrestlers are already on their hands and knees as Curry drags Murph to his feet and sends him to the corner. Curry charges but Murph drops him into the turnbuckle with a legsweep. Murph with a backrake as blood is now all over his hands, and it’s not his. Murph is clearly enjoying this…..and the bell sounds! Round 1 is over.
Both wrestlers go to their corners, and each is presented their 5th of a wedge of cheese by a Tommy Rich lookalike resplendent in polka dot banana hammocks. They swallow the cheese and take their shots from Rockstar Gary, downing them quickly and wanting to get back to beating each other senseless. Shards of broken light tube are still all over the mat, along with another unbroken tube. Murph and Curry spot it at the same time, and they both go for it, with Curry getting the upper-hand this time, and he smashes it over Murph’s head! And now Murph has the blood flowing like wine as Curry opens up on him with lefts and rights, then a german suplex! Murph is down, and Curry sort of falls/jumps out of the ring and starts throwing in light tubes. 4,5,6, and two chairs. Curry is back in and kicks at the fallen Murph, stumbling a little bit, setting up the chairs. He puts the light tubes between the two chairs, pointing at Murph and drawing his thumb across the throat. He goes over to Murph and drags him to his feet, but Murph was goldbricking! He pushes Curry off and kicks him in the gut; powerbomb through the light tubes! Shards go flying and Curry howls in pain as Murph looks satisfied while Curry bleeds from dozens of cuts on his back while his blood drips to the mat. Murph rolls him over for 1,2, nope! Curry kicks out, but Murph doesn’t look like he’s that upset. “Time for more fun, Curry! Keep kicking out, you prick!” He gets set for another powerbomb, but all of a sudden, YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB CURRY! He flips out and sends Murph’s face into the chair, widening his cut and he’s wearing a crimson mask to beat the band. Curry staggers off the ropes and falls on top of Murph, 1,2, no! Both wrestlers lay on the mat as the bell rings for the end of the round. The Tommy Rich lookalikes carry each wrestler to their corner, and immediately grab the 5th of cheese and stuffs it in their mouths. Yeah, picture it. Both swallow slowly, and now here’s Gary with the shots. Both wrestlers shoot quickly and get up, Curry bleeding from the back and Murph from the head.
The bell rings and we’re off to round 3…..and Murph immediately throws up all his cheese on the mat. Both wrestlers stumble around each other as shards of glass line the mat like thumbtacks. Curry grabs a weak headlock and Murph attempts to shoot him off the ropes, Curry stumbles and screams in pain as he bounces off the ropes and the glass is driven further into his back. He attempts to come off with a clothesline, but there’s nothing behind it and Murph ducks it easily. Murph fires a few wild punches, but can barely see with all the blood in his eyes. Curry puts on a front facelock and drops Murph down with a front face DDT. He flops over onto Murph, 1,2, no! Curry gets to his feet and lets loose a scream as Murph also staggers to his feet. Both men face each other, staring through blood and tears. The crowd is rabid, the Tommy Rich lookalikes are looking faint, and Rockstar Gary is barely paying attention while he steadily drinks from his whiskey bottle. They each grab a chair and get ready to duel…..Curry takes a wild swing and misses, but Murph doesn’t – chairshot to the face! And now Curry is busted wide open and Murph is satisfied as he SPITS on Curry and drops down for the pin. 1, NO! Curry kicks out at one! He’s pissed off at being spit on! He wipes the blood away from his face and stumble charges at Murph, connecting with some wild shots….and the bell rings for the end of the round. The Tommy Rich impersonators drag each wrestler to their corner and jam that sweet, sweet cheese in their mouths. Rockstar brings over the shots, and both wrestlers somehow get them down.
There’s the bell, and Round 4 is underway! Curry is slumped in the corner and trying to drag himself to his feet using the top rope, while Murph takes 3 steps and falls on his face, leaving pools of blood on the mat from his face. He gets to his hands and knees and Curry falls out of the ring as he approaches. Curry gets another light tube while on the floor and attempts to roll into the ring with it, as Murph turns slowly towards him. Curry gets back in but Murph has the other end of the light tube, and we’ve got a bloody, drunken, tug-of-war over the light tube. Murph gets quick control and spears Curry in the stomach with it. Both wrestlers are at 0.7 Muta as Curry doubles over in pain and Murph is on his feet. He staggers towards Curry. “This is where it ends, Curry!” Curry raises his head and flips Murph the double bird as his blood drips to the mat! Murph with the mighty roar and the big swing – the light tube EXPLODES on Curry’s head! Curry wavers for a few seconds and falls to the mat! Murph falls to his knees and crawls over to Curry’s prone form, and drapes his arm across the barely breathing, bloody body. 1,2,3. Murph wins a brutal, bloody classic; he briefly raises his arms and falls to the mat, unconscious. Here comes the stretchers for both men, along with Bobby Bayless, carrying a large jar labeled ‘Bobby’s Special Sauce’ and looking pissed off he didn’t get to use it. He smacks the mat like a petulant child and dumps it over the nearest Tommy Rich impersonator’s head; that liquid is awfully….milky. Rockstar Gary laughs so hard he falls off the chair as both wrestlers are rolled to the back.
Bill Ray is in the back, lacing his boots:
“You know, I can’t say I really understand why Petuka and kbjone hate each other so much, or why kbjone has lost his mind and is carrying around a chair and hitting people with it. And frankly, I don’t care. I’m Bill Ray; you boys messed with the wrong man if you thought you were going to just forget about me. It’s time to walk that road….(he grabs his trusty bat and puts it on his shoulder)….and time to bust some heads.”
Folks, lets check back in to see what happened to Biscuit two weeks ago on BoD RAW:
On the Bus, Biscuit sits near the front. There are three guys with hooded sweatshirts and an old lady in the corner talking to herself. She gets off as three men are left with Biscuit. The three men walk near the front and demand to be let off so they are. The driver then goes past the exit as he continues on the road. Biscuit asks him to stop and the driver ignores him. Biscuit then gets up and threatens the driver, who nervously drives the bus) Biscuit then rabbit punches the driver and yanks the emergency break. He gets off the bus and reaches for a Slim Jim in his pocket but as that happens, the luggage compartments pop open and out comes Camp Cleveland!!!!! They rush Biscuit, who drops his trusty plastic bag and fights back! Biscuit succumbs to the numbers game. Biscuit and WWF1987 stuff him in the luggage compartment as Mikey tosses the driver off the bus as Camp Cleveland takes off.
Bill Ray vs kbjone vs John Petuka (No DQ, anything goes)
As the “Devil’s Right Hand” plays, Bill Ray appears to the delight of the ladies in the crowd. He swings the bat back and forth as he makes his way to the ring, rolling in and bouncing back and forth. Up next, it’s…..”Rainbow Connection” by the Muppets? It’s kbjone, with his bent-up chair and wide, clearly insane eyes looking all over the arena. Bill is in the ring, cool as can be, watching……but from behind, it’s John Petuka! He wasn’t going to wait and he attacks kbjone with a beer bottle to the back of the head! kbjone goes down like a shot and Petuka picks up the chair! He rushes the ring where Bill Ray is waiting, and Bill Ray takes a swing. Misses! Petuka swings the chair and HE misses! They both swing and the weapons meet in mid-air, and both guys drop them. Bill Ray shrugs and launches himself at Petuka! Lefts and rights back John into the corner, Bill Ray with a cross-corner whip, charge to Petuka, avalanche in the corner! Bill Ray puts on the arm wringer, but Petuka reverses into the hammerlock. Transition into a side headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock by Bill Ray sends Petuka to the outside. Bill Ray looks to go after him…..but it’s kbjone from behind! He’s grabbed his chair and takes a mighty shot to the back of Bill Ray’s head! Bill Ray goes down, but kbjone doesn’t go for the pin. He wants Petuka! Petuka’s on the outside, looking petrified, as kbjone leaves the ring and stalks him. Petuka runs for it and slides into the ring. kbjone follows, but Petuka with the stomps and kbjone drops the chair on the outside. Petuka in control now, and he hits a nice delayed vertical suplex on kbjone. Grabs the headlock, off the ropes, bulldog! 1,2, no! Petuka starts to look for a weapon, stomping kbjone on the mat as he heads to the outside. He looks under the ring….kendo stick! Why would those be under the ring, really? Oh, well. Petuka has the kendo stick, and he’s ready to use it! Shot to kbjone! Again! A third! A four- no! From behind, it’s Bill Ray with the neckbreaker! He tosses Petuka from the ring and goes over to kbjone, sending him off the ropes….biiiiiggg back body drop! Drops an elbow! A second! Here’s a cover, 1,2, no! Bill Ray goes adds a few stomps to kbjone, and hits him with a body slam, he’s going to the top. Bill Ray off the top rope with the big legdrop….misses! kbjone moved out of the way! kbjone stumbles back to his feet and is looking for his chair…but from behind, here’s Petuka! Low blow by Petuka! Roll-up, 1,2, NO! Petuka can’t believe it! He’s yelling at the ref, but it was only two! He swears and tosses kbjone from the ring, and turns his attention to Bill Ray. He starts to go to work on the back. Drops a few elbows. Stomps to the small of the back. Gets him up….backbreaker! 1,2, no! Picks him up again, side slam! Petuka gets to his feet. “That’s it!” He’s signaling for the PETUKA BAZOOKA! The women in the front row are fainting in fear of what could happen to Bill Ray! Petuka’s got him up….but here’s kbjone! He’s got his chair and it’s a chairshot to Petuka! Petuka drops Bill Ray, who rolls to the corner, Petuka on his knees. kbjone has a sick grin on his face…chair-assisted shining wizard! 1,2, NO! My God, I was sure that was it! kbjone’s sick grin hasn’t left his face as he hoists Petuka to his feet, and he’s warming up the chair! He takes a big swing, Petuka ducks….and Bill Ray takes the chair to the face! He was coming at Petuka from behind, and he drops his bat! kbjone looks confused, and that allows Petuka to grab the bat. Bat shot! Petuka loads up kbjone…..PETUKA BAZOOKA! No one gets up from that! 1,2,3! Your winner is John Petuka! He staggers back up the rampway, arms raised in victory, as both his opponents are only beginning to stir.
Brian Bayless walks over to Justice Gray:
Brian: Did you see this shit? (Hands Justice a script). My dumb fuck cousin Bobby is trying to re-book the Revolutionary war with Cowboys and Indians!!!!!!!!!!! He is planning a 4th of July skit. We cant let that happen.
Justice: (Reads a line from the script): “Me give you wampum, you give me shrimp and crumpets.”
Brian: Do you see how fucking terrible this is now? He cant even get his stereotypes correct.
Justice: Yeah, we cant let this make it to air.
Archie Stackhouse and Robert Davis vs Curtzerker (Tag title match)
“Pleasant Valley Sunday” by the Monkees plays Archie and Robert, accompanied by the rest of the Riverdale Covenant, to the ring. Robert has the mic; he looks at Archie, who nods to him. “Kensington Enterprises…..THIS…..is the end.” He throws down the mic as he and Archie remove their jackets and prepare for war. “Money Talks” by Rick James hits the speakers as Biff Kensington leads Curtzerker to the ring, past the deafening sounds of the HUSS section! The Berzerker tries to wander off, but Extant and Hoss grab him and get him back to the ring, and it’s time to get it on!
Looks like Davis and Berzerker are going to start. Lockup as the Huss chants grow louder still, and Berzerker is enjoying it! Robert Davis is cool as can be, though, and he grabs a headlock. He works it and goes behind for the armbar, drop toehold and floatover into a front facelock. Williams is shouting encouragement to his partner, as Biff keeps a watchful eye on the rest of the Riverdale Covenant on the other side of the ring. Berzerker works the headlock back up to a standing position and shoots Davis off, shoulderblock by Berzerker! Davis goes down, but the Berzerker elbowdrop misses! Tag by Berzerker to Williams, but here’s a tag to the sick, deranged Archie Stackhouse! Stackhouse slowly gets into the ring while Williams watches warily. They circle, lockup, and Stackhouse with an arm-wringer! Elbow to the shoulder, again! Archie keylocks the arm and starts to pull at the socket. Knees to the chest put Williams down and now Archie drops the knee onto the outstretched arm! Again! Arm-wringer and he yanks at the arm, trying to pull the shoulder out of the socket! Stackhouse is effective, to say the least, and Berzerker come in and takes a cheap shot! Stackhouse smiles! Berzerker doesn’t quite know what to do. Even the HUSS section seems disturbed by this methodical destruction. Archie grabs Williams and hurls him into the corner to Berzerker! “Come on in, my friend! WELCOME TO RIVERDALE!” No one talks that way to Berzerker! He comes right at Archie and backs him into the corner with rights and lefts! Stackhouse is momentarily stunned, and Berzerker has the HUSS chants going again! He fires Stackhouse off the ropes, spinning heel kick by Berzerker? Holy SHIT. Stomps by Berzerker, then a powerslam! Williams is still shaking his arm in the corner as Biff attempts to have Hoss massage it behind the official’s back. Berzerker is in control of Stackhouse in the ring, however, and he’s put on a rear chinlock. Stackhouse gets to his feet, fires elbows at the midsection of Berzerker, off the ropes, switchblade kiss by Stackhouse! Stackhouse tags in Davis, who vaults in over the top rope and goes to work. Lefts and rights into the corner, whip off the ropes, back elbow to Berzerker! Davis stands over Berserker….standing shooting star press! 1,2, no! Williams with the save! Now Stackhouse is in after Williams, who wants no part of the maniac that is Archie Stackhouse! All four wrestlers are in the ring now, battling it out! Stackhouse has Williams up against the ropes and is methodically tearing him apart, but Berzerker has come to life against Davis after ducking a Davis clothesline. FINALLY, the referee gets Stackhouse and Williams out of the ring, with Berzerker in control. The HUSS section is going wild! ‘HUSS’! ‘HUSS’! Berzerker wishbones Davis and gets ready to tag in Williams to set up for the Huss lock…..but Williams wants to come in with a splash! He misses! Davis DIVES for the tag and makes it! Here’s Archie! European uppercuts for everyone! The Riverdale Covenant leader is ruling the squared circle. He tosses Berzerker outside…..NECK CRANK on Williams! It’s- and Hoss has hit the ring! PANTS-SHITTER to Archie! The referee calls for the bell as now both Kensington Enterprises and the Riverdale Covenant have started an all-out brawl at ringside. The Riverdale Covenant will win this match by DQ, but Kensington will keep their precious tag team titles.
Due to flight errors, next week on BoD RAW we will see Dancin’ Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112 vs. X Man & Night in a Harlem Street Fight. Plus, the C-List Title and Writer;s Title will be on the line. And, Parallax vs. Jobber in the main event.
Jef Vinson vs Cultstatus (BoD Championship match)
And it all comes down to this. Cult hits the ring to the tune of Pantera’s “Walk”, running the ropes and looking to be in great shape. “Amazing” by Kanye West come on over the speakers, and here’s the Heavyweight Champion, Jef Vinson with his valet striking a pose on the rampway. He takes his time coming to the ring, soaking in the moment.
The bell rings and we’re underway! Both guys are nose to nose in the ring, calmly trashtalking each other…..slap to the face by Cult! Vinson smiles. Slap to the face by Vinson! Cult smiles. Here we go! Both guys start to throw wild shots, lefts and rights, and now Cult is against the ropes….clean break by Jef Vinson! They circle warily, and here’s a lockup finally. Cult grabs a standing side headlock, Vinson shoots him off, and Cult barrels right through him with the big shoulderblock! Vinson back to his feet and they lockup again, Cult controls again, Vinson reverses to a headlock of his own. Cult attempts a go-behind but Vinson is having none of it and reverses to one of his own and floats over into a belly-to-back suplex. Vinson gets Cult back to his feet, whip to the corner, charge hits the boot of Cult. Cult sends Vinson off the ropes, BIG lariat by Cult! 1,2 no! Cult gets to his feet and starts pointing at various body parts of Vinson, eeny-meeny-miney-moe style. He stops at the knee of Jef, shrugs, and starts to go to work.
He puts the boots to the knee, then hits a knee crusher. Sets Vinson up in the corner and kicks at the knee on the ropes. Brings him out – dragon-screw legwhip! Drops an elbow on the kneecap! And now, here’s Vinson’s valet to protest the goings-on in the ring, but Cult heads over and she drops down, eyeing him warily (or lustily, as relating to Raw last week? Who knows?), and Cult just points to the back….but here’s Vinson from behind! Randy Orton-style Chinlock backbreaker puts Cult down and Vinson has a moment to breathe. He flexes the knee which has taken a tremendous amount of punishment in the last few moments, trying to get that blood flowing again. Quick stomp to Cult, grabs him by the hair and brings him to his feet. Off the ropes he comes at the prone Cult; he staggers a little bit, but he still manages to hit the spear! Cult goes down and Vinson crawls over. 1,2, no! Vinson grabs the chinlock as he tries to come up with a gameplan, while Cult immediately starts to get to his feet, so Vinson drops down and wraps Cult in a bodyscissors. Cult fires elbows to break, but Vinson calmly grabs the arm, then the other one, and puts on the Rings of Saturn. The Champ is putting on a clinic here, but Cultstatus clearly has no plans to quit.
Cult manages to make the ropes finally by scrambling and he slides to the outside. Vinson, whose knee is still bothering him but has new life otherwise, is in hot pursuit as Cult attempts to shake off the pain in his upper back…..Vinson from behind with the clubbing blow! He sends Cult into the STEEL post, then into the ringside steps! The ref is being awfully lenient with the rules here, I have to say. Vinson stops to slap his valet on the ass as she looks somewhat concerned about Cultstatus at this moment. Too concerned, if you catch my drift. Vinson rolls into the ring to break the count, then rolls back out. He sets Cult up against the ring apron and chops him! Again! UH-OH, Cultstatus just smiled! Cult is alive and well! He fires back at Vinson and sends him to the barricade! Snap suplex on the floor! He rolls Vinson back in, and now Cult is in full control. He gets him up – powerbomb! 1,2, no! Vinson stays alive! And Cult has gone back to the knee, grapevining it, slamming it into the mat, and trying to take it home with him. Vinson gets to his knees, Cult off the ropes….shining wizard! 1,2, no! Cult is getting frustrated with this. He does a rolling snap of the leg and puts on the cloverleaf! “Tap, asshole, tap!” Vinson won’t do it! He reaches for the ropes, he’s dragging Cult over…..Cult drags him back to the center of the ring! He leans back on the cloverleaf! Vinson STILL won’t quit! His valet gets to the ring apron, but Cult won’t let go! The referee goes over to get her down from the apron as Vinson’s final attempt at a bridge with every last bit of strength works….but it sends Cult into the referee! The ref goes flying into Vinson’s valet as Cult crashes into him, and they both hit the floor! Cult shakes it off, and turns towards the prone Jef Vinson on the mat, pointing at him and making the “I want the belt” motion. Vinson struggles to a sitting position as Cult advances the referee starts to stir on the outside.
Cult gets Vinson up….he’s setting up for the burning hammer! But wait! A masked man has hit the ring from the crowd! He spears Cult! He takes off the mask…..oh my God, it’s Abeyance! Abeyance has returned! He goes to the timekeeper and gets the BoD championship belt, and he’s back in the ring…..BELTSHOT to the head of Cultstatus! “It should have been mine, Cult! You ruined it all! This was my title shot!” Abeyance bails from the ring as Cultstatus is unconscious. Vinson struggles to his feet, having seen nothing, and sees Cult out on the mat. He shrugs, and loads him up….TKO! The referee finally crawls back into the ring and here’s the cover. 1….2….3!! Jef Vinson RETAINS the BoD World Heavyweight championship. He can barely stand, but he poses with the belt…..and here’s Abeyance from behind! Backstabber by Abeyance….Fisherman’s Buster by Abeyance! He grabs the BoD Championship belt and poses to loud boos. It appears Abeyance is back for one thing, and that’s the BoD World title!