This has nothing to do with the WWE
TONIGHT, on BoD RAW…..well, Bobby Bayless and the writers are still booking it on some napkins from McDonald’s. But it’s going to be….there! And it’s NEXT!
Rockstar Gary and Justice Gray are backstage, getting into their gear.
Rockstar: Our first match in ages, man! I can’t wait!
Justice: Yeah, all that training better be worth it.
Rockstar: Don’t worry, man. We got this. Whiskey? (Hands Justice the bottle)
Justice: Before the match?
(Rockstar Gary just looks at him.)
Justice: Ah, who am I kidding? Make it a double, man! They clink glasses. Did we ever find out who we’re facing tonight?
Rockstar: I figured you knew.
(Bobby Bayless enters the room)
Bobby: What’s up, guys? Want some Fun Dip?
Justice: Hey, boss. Nah, but we’re looking forward to seeing some action tonight, man!
Bobby: You and me both, dudes! I love you guys! I can’t wait to see if all that training paid off!
Rockstar: Me either, man. We worked our dicks off for this!
Justice: Asses, Gary. We worked our asses off for this.
Rockstar: Yeah, right. Asses. (Whispers to Bobby) He missed a training session.
Bobby: (Just stares at him for a few seconds then he breaks out in laughter). That’s edgy, man! Awesome! So, check this out – your first match is just a warm-up match, because at BoD Payback, you’re getting a title match! You guys are going to challenge for the 6-man Tag titles!
Justice: (Pauses for a second) But boss, there’s only two of us.
Rockstar: “Yeah, there’s just two of us. I also count that number.”
Bobby: Guys, guys – don’t worry about it. I’ve got a 3rd guy for you – you’ll find out who it is when you hit the ring tonight! He smiles. “You seen BAKER?
Justice: Oh God, no.
Bobby: HA! Just kidding, my man! I know where he is. He got thrown out of the arena like 3 hours ago after that incident with the 9 year old in a Brock Lesnar shirt. I don’t even have his bail money together yet, ’cause I had to use some of the petty cash to pick up Little Nicky from the clearance bin at Walmart to watch later. No, you guys are getting a DIFFERENT partner. (He chuckles to himself and leaves the locker room)
Rockstar: Incident with a 9 year old?
Justice: Do you really want to know?
In the ring, trumpets blare as the BoD World champion, Jeff Vinson, is carried to the ring by several shirtless jobbers! Why all the fanfare tonight, Vinson? Let’s find out, as he’s got the STICK~!
“My name is Jeff Vinson, and I AM the BoD Champion! (He stares down at his belt). I chased this title for months and months, and I remember some tough times along the way. I remember the beatings, the ice packs – that I EARNED, the concussions, the sleepless nights. I remember the road, the hotels, the cheap rooms while I chased my dream. I won’t forget them, because they made me who I am. The man who overcomes the odds. The man who stands in the end. (He pauses again) Cultstatus. The former BoD champion. You are a formidable challenger, Cult. Don’t think that I don’t see that. Don’t think that I will overlook what you did at Extreme Rules. You’re a monster, Cult, and I know that this will be the toughest match of my career. But don’t underestimate me, Cult; don’t sleep on Jeff Vinson. (He nods to his valet, and she hands him a clipboard and a pen). Here’s the contract, Cult. (Vinson signs it and drops it in the middle of the ring( “Bring it on! My name is Jeff Vinson, and come Payback, I will REMAIN the BOD WORLD CHAMPION!!”
Vinson’s music plays, but it’s cut off! “The End” by The Doors plays, and here’s Cultstatus! He slowly walks down to the ring as Vinson watches from the corner. He enters and silently picks up the contract. He looks at Vinson and points at the belt, then picks up the pen and scrawls his name! He stares Vinson down, smirks, and drops the clipboard, leaving the ring, never taking his eyes off the belt as he walks backwards towards the entrance way.
Back in the locker room, Chartock runs up to Jobber, who is clearly enjoying some recreational substances.
Chartock: Dude, you seen Murph anywhere? He disappeared like a week ago, and I haven’t seen him since.
Jobber: (Just shakes his head with a dreamy smile) Must have been some GOOD shit. (Chartock throws his hands up and leaves – then he comes back and grabs a pill bottle off the desk. Chases a few with some Vodka and stumbles away, Jobber with a dreamy smile still on his face.)
In the ring stands Bobby, the Texas Terror. He awaits his opponent for tonight and it turns out to be……………………………….The Fuj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bobby vs. The Fuj
The Fuj starts the match in control. He takes the Texas Terror down with a hip toss then an arm drag before going to work on the ankle. Bobby slides outside for a breather then re-enters but manages to pull something out of his trunks. Bobby manages to push the referee away and throw powder in the eyes of the Fuj then runs over to the ref, making sure that he is okay. Bobby goes on offense as he stomps a mudhole in the corner. He goes over to his cowbell and attempts to use that as a weapon but is stopped. Bobby sets up Fuj for a superplex but that fails as the Fuj blocks that and picks up Bobby and places him over his shoulders. Fuj leaps and crushes Bobby with a top rope Samoan Drop!!!! Fuj gets up slowly as Bobby is dazed. Fuj then takes Bobby’s leg and turns him over as he applies the ankle lock. Bobby musters up all the strength left that he has and taps out. Fuj wins as he is not retiring tonight.
Backstage, we see Dean Andrews and TimeandtheRani get called over by the writers of “Corky Romano.” In the corner, we see Brian Bayless shake his head in disbelief.
Nick Piers bolts into the GM’s office:
Piers: Look, I don’t care what it takes. Give me Extant in a match, now.
Bobby: (Taken aback) Hey pal, what’s your name.
Piers: (Shocked) Nick Piers. I was a former Tag Team Champion
Bobby: (stumped) Well, no one would believe that a person called “Nick” would be a champion.
Piers: (In disbelief) Huh?
Bobby: (Feeling Smart) We will now call you…………………….PIERS!!!!! HA HA HA!!!!!!!! So pal, let’s see what you look like in Umbro’s. (Pulls out a pair from his desk)
Piers: (Disgusted) This isn’t soccer. And if you wont give me a match with Extant, I’ll just have to kick his ass on my own. (He leaves as Bobby hums “Baby you a Rich Man Too” from the Fat Boys soundtrack)
The “Corky Romano” writers now call in Peyton Drinking and Jose Gomez into their office.
BoD Writer’s Championship #1 Contender Match
“Marvelous” Matt Perri w/ Miss Danielle vs. “Mr. WCW” Chris F-B
Perri stalls to start the match as his enemies in the crowd are furiously screaming at him. Chris F-B eventually drags him back into the ring but Miss Danielle whacks him with her heel. The ref lets that go as Perri knees the “Pride of Worldwide” in the junk as the ref was distracted. Back inside, Perri heels on the crowd with various restholds. Chris F-B tries to escape but Danielle distracts the ref again as that allows Perri to use choke holds. Perri hits a side slam then goes back to a side headlock, which is not brought to us by Anchor Cheese. Perri eggs on the crowd as he switches to a rear chinlock. We have word that Kensington Enterprises is en route to the arena tonight as they had some business to take care of at Mitchell and Ness prior to the show that we will see footage of next week. Perri sends Chris into the corner but eats boot on a charge. Perri gets up but Chris fires back. Irish whip and Chris connects with a diving shoulder tackle for two. Chris is in control of this one now. He busts out a piledriver now but Miss Danielle puts Perri’s foot on the ropes as the crowd boos. Chris yells at Danielle, who plays innocent, as Perri attempts to get himself back to his feet. Chris heads on over to Perri, who pulls him into the corner. Perri then grabs the ref’s leg and pulls himself up while Danielle takes off her heel and attempts to hit Chris, but he blocks it and grabs the heel. Perri frantically runs over as Chris dumps the heel on the ground but runs into the corner. Danielle grabs the heel and swings as Chris gets shoved into the corner but he reverses and Perri gets nailed with the heel!!!!! Chris then uses a reverse rollup and gets the win!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chris will now face Tommy Hall for the BoD Writer’s Championship at BoD Payback on June 1st. Perri and Danielle leave together as they get pelted by garbage.
Backstage, Kaptain Kiwi is with Tony & Johnny Garea for the Anchor Cheese Documentary Series titled “A Man Who Doesn’t Put Over: The Tony Garea Story.” Kiwi sits stoned-faced with the belt as photos are snapped.
Wade Michael Meltzer promises that next week, he will have a sit down interview with Parallax
Also next week, after getting the stent taken out and finally not at a baseball stadium, Marv Cresto returns with his fearless partner as they engage in battle against the RIPSHIT KILLERS.
Robert Davis and Archie Stackhouse are standing at the merchandise stand, Davis twirling Jughead. Archie nods to him, and Davis hops the table and scares the workers out from behind the table. The rest of the Riverdale Covenant assembles behind Davis.
“I’ve been told that myself and our glorious leader, Archie Stackhouse, will be competing against Curtzerker for the tag team titles at BoD Payback. (He turns and picks up a replica tag title belt, eyeing it curiously). But this gold, this human symbol of wealth, of accomplishment, it is nothing to me or to my master. We recognize it only as a way to teach those who would not learn through other methods. (Davis SMASHES the belt with Jughead! Over and over again, until it’s in pieces!). “You see, Biff Kensington, you can only learn when something is taken from you. you can only have sight when your blinders are removed. You will be brought to Riverdale, Biff – you and rest of what your call your ‘Enterprises’. You will learn that your money doesn’t buy power in our world, Biff, for we are ruled by a higher purpose.
( Davis sets his sights on an autographed photo of Biff Kensington Only $19.99 on BoD Shopzone!) He hands it to Stackhouse, who now speaks:
“Biff, we are coming. We won’t be stopped. You ask why, Archie, why do you set upon me? Allow me to explain, should you be unclear. We are the reckoning, Biff. We are the soldiers of the righteous, the teachers of the light. We come for you because you have not learned that people’s souls cannot be purchased wholesale; they can only be shown the truth, and give their souls willingly. (He gestures toward the Covenant). Behold those who have rejected your worldview, Biff. Behold the Covenant. We will take your golden idols and destroy them in front of you, Biff. You will kneel in tears as you watch, and only then will you finally see! You will see that all your money, all your power, all your gold, all of it! Can go up…. (He produces a lighter and sets the photo ablaze, giggling the whole time) ….in flames. (He nods to Robert Davis, who twirls Jughead) Archie speaks. “Welcome to Hell, Kensington. Welcome….to Riverdale.” Davis: “Welcome….to The End.”
John Petuka sits in a dark room, a single spotlight shining on him:
“See this? It’s what I deserve. I deserve the chances that I held myself back from being stuck with that loser kbjone. I deserve to show the world what I can do. I am the BEST wrestler in the BoD. I’m better than that loser kbjone, better than that insect Bill Ray, and you know what, I’m better than you, Vinson. And you, Cult. I’m better than ALL OF YOU. I’m sick and tired of being stuck while I know that my destiny lies at the top. So let me tell you right now, BoD – my time is coming. (He stands up as the camera zooms in on his face). The road to BoDMania starts now for me. I will do what I have to do. I will out wrestle you. I will out cheat you. I will out think you. I am the change. I am John Petuka, and I will be the BoD World Champion. I’m coming for you; (He points at the camera as it zooms out) I’m coming for all of you. And there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Your brush with Petuka…. (The light goes out and we’re in total darkness) ….is OVER.”
Rockstar Gary, Justice Gray, & ??? vs The Fat Otters and daveschlet
Daveschlet is one of the newest callups from BoD NXT, and he’s been saddled with the fattest team in the entire blog as his partners, which makes him about as happy as you might expect. Rockstar Gary and Justice Gray hit the ring to “Friends Forever” by The Zack Attack. And here’s Bobby Bayless with a mic.
“Guys, I promised you a great partner, and let me tell you something, when I make a promise, I DELIVER! Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce the 3rd member of this new 6-man team that I am sure will tear the house down at Payback: my cuz, the former GM, BRIAN BAYLESS!!”
Former GM Bayless comes out, shaking his head the whole time. Rockstar Gary is crazy excited! He’s jumping up and down! Justice looks disbelieving, but he focuses and we get ready to start the match proper…..and on the ramp, it’s the 6-man tag champs! Cabspaintedyellow, Kyle Warne, and Adam Curry are watching as their challengers assemble for their warmup match. Looks like we’re ready to get started as Meekin and Justice are in the ring….ring the bell! Circling, and Justice goes for the nuts right away….wait, that’s a single leg takedown. I think. Justice gets Meekin on his back and stomps away. Drags him to the corner, tag to Gary, who slingshots in with a leg drop….near the groin. Gary gets Meekin to his feet for the inverted atomic drop! Barely got him up, there. Bayless is just watching, still shaking head, while the current GM is delighted at these Jesse Baker training techniques brought to life. Gary sends Meekin to the corner, but Meekin slowly avoids the charge and rolls over to the corner, tagging in Caliber Winfield, who comes in with a knee drop….that misses. Gary with the tag to Justice, ignoring Bayless, who wasn’t even reaching for the tag. The six-man champs are giggling on the stage as Justice sweeps the leg and turns Caliber over for the Viscera humping! Stomp to the…..lower back, we’ll call it. Caliber can’t get to his feet, and Justice gets a knee crusher! Quick tag to Gary, who takes a shot at Meekin the corner, and there’s one for daveschlet, who not only hasn’t been tagged in, but looks thoroughly disgusted at his tag partners rolling around the ring. Gary drops and elbow and tags Justice back in; they nod to each other and it’s a double BALLSPLEX! Candice LeRae, eat your heart out! daveschlet wants no part of this and drops from the apron as Justice applies the stump puller to get the tap out! Warne and Cabs have collapsed into giggles and Brian Bayless just looks sad on the ring apron as Justice and Gary celebrate their first win! They point at the entrance and make the ‘we want the belts’ gesture. Curry stops laughing and looks like he’s going to respond…..but out of the crowd, it’s Murph! He’s here and the fight is ON! Murph and Curry are throwing punches left and right while Warne and Cabs try to separate them and this is no joke! Here’s Chatrock to try to calm Murph down….and Murph elbows him in the face! The wrestlers have been separated now, and Murph somehow gets his hands on a mic. “Bring it on, Curry! Fuck those assholes, I don’t know what I was thinking with you and Jobber, Chatrock! I’m going to FUBAR you, Curry!” Curry’s trying to get to the ring, but Warne and Cabs are holding him back, as Justice, Gary, and Bayless have left ringside. Looks like Murph has left the Job Mob and is coming for Adam Curry, and Curry seems to welcome it!
PrimeTime Ten is home in Canada at Tim Horton’s, while wearing his Wayne Gretzky jersey:
PrimeTime: Hey, where’s my coffee. I ordered it so long ago I finished listening to Two Tragically Hip albums. Number one my ass, you are #1 just like Alexandre Daigle was #1 in the 1993 draft. Or, to be timely, like Mister E Mahn is #1 Timekeeper in the world. (swipes everything off of the counter) WELL GUESS WHAT? I’M WAYNE GRETZKY OF THE 21st CENTURY. I AM #1. YOU ARE ALL LIKE ALEXANDRE DAIGLE, THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FOUR SPORT TRADING CARD PACKAGE FROM 1993. (Sips coffee then spits out) GET ME ANOTHER POT, THIS SHIT IS SCALDED (He then dumps the coffee on the ground as the camera zooms in on the spill)
Next week, we will check in with Biscuit as he attempts to get around via Greyhound.
Backstage, we see “Happening” Harry Broadhurst. Lets hear what he has to say:
” Harry Fact #432: I would have single-handedly solved ‘Deflategate.’ Harry Fact #433: TNA is finished in September but most important of all is Harry Fact #1 and that is…………………….HARRY DOESNT DO THE JOB!!!!!! And at BoD Payback, one of you dreamers is going to answer my challenge and get the honor to job to yours truly. Now, I am going to take a break and (interrupted by a writer, who wants to go over a script. Harry takes the script and drops it casually to the ground and yells) Harry Fact #2: Harry only works improv. (Harry then walks away, screaming about how he never does the job).
daveschlet is in the back knocking on the GM’s door. “That sucked! Why did I get stuck with the beached whales in my first mat-” BANG! From behind, it’s kbjone with his chair! He’s looking quite demented as the door opens and Bobby peeks out. “What was that, man?” kbjone smiles at him and speaks. “I’ve found out that I like to hit people with chairs now.” He laughs, and so does Bobby. “Cool stuff, man! Go on and keep hitting people, dude!” Bobby closes the door, chuckling as kbjone turns towards the cameraman, who figures out what’s going to happen and makes a run for it, dropping the camera. From the sideview, we can see kbjone chasing him and off-camera, we hear a CLANG and the sound of kbjone giggling like a schoolboy! That boy ain’t right.
Biff and the rest of Kensington Enterprises are in the back, watching the Riverdale promo from earlier. He then has something to say:
“First things first, I’m getting paid for that merch they broke. Second, let’s get started, boys. (The camera focuses on him) Time to start the plans for loserdale; by the time I’m done with you, Stackhouse, you’re going to wish that Betty and Veronica were around to salve your wounds. No one crosses Biff Kensington. No one!”
Back in the GM’s office, Bobby is downing pixie sticks in a bouncy house (a Batman one!), and Justice enters.
Bobby: “Dude, great match tonight!”
Justice: “Thanks. Gary’s applying some alcohol to his….wounds.”
Bobby: “Cool, cool. I just know you guys are gonna kick some ass! But we’re going to move your match back to the next PPV, because that Murph and Curry thing needs to be settled. So, anyway, I called you back here, because I’m kind of digging on that Petuka dude and that kbjone guy. They should be a tag team, right?”
Justice: “Uh, they were. They had a violent and bloody breakup and hate each other now.”
Bobby: “Oh. Well, in that case, let’s have them fight each other. And we’ll throw that Bill Ray guy in there too. And, just for funsies, we’ll make an elimination match, and they can all bring weapons and stuff. What do you call that?”
Justice: “Uh, no DQ?”
Bobby: “YEAH! DQ! I love me some ice cream! But that other thing, we’ll do that too. Come on, let’s go get some blizzards!”
Justice: “Uh, what about Murph and Curry?”
Bobby: “Who? Oh, right. Well, I talked to one of the great writers that I hired, and at first, he told me that one of them should get pregnant, which is always awesome, right? But then he was like, oh, they’re both men, and I told him about this great movie I saw once called ‘Junior’ with Arnold, and he said that wouldn’t work. So, we’re going to have…hang on, it’s here somewhere…” He starts pulling things out of his pockets, tossing plastic rings, superballs, carnival tickets, etc to the floor. “…here we go!” Bobby hand the paper to Justice.
Justice: “The first ever ‘Party in your Mouth Tommy Rich Tribute match'” He looks grossed out. “Uh, why is it called that?”
Bobby: “Because, it’s gonna be so cool! They have to drink alcohol and eat cheese while they fight! It’s like there’ll be a party in their mouth the whole time! Keep reading.”
Justice: (Shrugging) “There will be five 4 minute rounds, with light tubes surrounding the ringside area that can be used by each wrestler. After each round, each wrestler must take a shot of cinnamon schnapps and eat a 5th of a wedge of fine Anchor Cheese. If there is no winner after 5 rounds, each wrestler must continue taking shots every 60 seconds of Bobby Bayless’ special Joy Juice while still wrestling…” Justice looks at Bobby. “Your special ‘joy juice’?”
Bobby: “Yeah! It’s got a little bit of vodka, some whiskey, some Dr. Pepper, and the secret Bobby ingredient.” He winks at the camera. “But I’ll never tell.”
Justice: “Uh, okay. I guess.”
Bobby: “It’s gonna be excellent! Let’s go get some ice cream!”
Justice: “Hey, do we need to go get Baker?”
Bobby: “Nah, he used his one phone call for me. Apparently, he’s doing okay in prison. Said something about being the Daniel Bryan in a bunch of Lesnars, whatever that means. We’ll get him later. ICE CREAM!”
Former GM Bayless has been watching on a monitor in the back, and he shakes his head slowly from side to side. Rockstar Gary comes up to him. “Dude, so glad we’re partners! We’re totally going to win!” Rockstar Gary is quite drunk. Bayless looks at him and looks at the camera. His face hardens. “He’s ruining everything, and I can’t let it happen. I won’t let it happen.” The camera cuts to black as we hear these last words.