Vinson is on his way inside when a man in a hoodie whacks his leg from behind with a 5-iron. The camera zooms in and THAT’S SOUP BONE!!!!! HE DONE GOT OUT OF JESSUP!!!!! The valet runs over to her man’s aid as medics check out his leg
Folks, we regretfully inform that the Fat Otters vs. Marv Cresto & Burt Macklin match will not take place as scheduled when Caliber accidentally burned down his great aunt’s in-law apartment when he forgot to tend to his eggs on the stove and started to rant on the violence in Baltimore on Facebook instead.
Outta nowhere, John Petuka attacks! Chop block to Bill Ray’s knee! Knee crusher on the concrete floor! He picks up Bill Ray’s bat and SMASHES it into the back of Bill Ray’s knee! Bill Ray is on the ground in agony, and Petuka does it again! What a cheap shot! Petuka drops the bat as the referees swarm, satisfied with his handiwork. Now what – that match is supposed to be next! THe camera shows Petuka strolling to the ring, dragging a ref as he has the mic.
Petuka drops the mic and gives a big smile as the ref shrugs. Ring the bell! 1,2, – “Cocaine Blues” by Johnny Cash starts playing! Bill Ray is here! He emerges from the curtain, bat in one hand, shot of whiskey in the other, hobbling his way down the ramp! Petuka grabs the ref “Count faster, idiot!” 4,5 – Bill Ray is almost to the ring! He takes his shot of whiskey but he can barely stand! Not sure if this is courage or stupidity, honestly. 7,8, – Bill Ray is trying to hoist himself into the ring! 9 – he’s in! Petuka’s angry! He starts stomping on the knee. Bill can’t stand, and Petuka is red-faced. He pulls Bill Ray into the center of the ring and goes for the figure-four – small package by Bill Ray! 1,2, NO! So close, Petuka can’t believe it! He goes to the corner as Bill Ray struggles to his feet – dropkick to the knee by Petuka! Bill Ray goes down again! Petuka says that’s it and picks him up – PETUKA BAZOOKA! 1,2,3. John Petuka will face Captain Kiwi later tonight for the B+ title! Bill Ray is rolling around in agony as Petuka poses to loud boos.
Backstage, Rockstar Gary is relaxing in a chaise lounge. Justice Gray approaches.
Justice: “What are you doing?”
Gary: “Is that a real question? Putting my feet up! Bill Ray left the whiskey behind, too. Want a shot?”
Justice: “Didn’t Baker say he wanted us back here?”
Gary: “Dude, I’m sick of Baker. I don’t even know what that drill he made us run was, I just know that things are uncomfortable down there, and I’m pretty sure my definition of Greco-Roman is different than his.”
Justice: “That’s probably true. Still, we should probably be training, man. Our BOD re-debut is coming up in less than 3 weeks, and I want to win.”
Gary: “Me too, I guess. Have you seen Baker today?”
Justice: “Nope.” (He grabs a passing Wade Michael Meltzler) “Hey Wade, you seen Baker?”
Wade: “Last I saw him, he’s was attempting to do a shot for shot stop motion animation remake of the first season of Oz using nothing but Brock Lesnar and John Cena action figures that he had drawn relatively realistic genitalia on with paint markers. He seems to only be concentrating on the rape scenes, though. He claims it’s gonna be the next coming of the Lego movie. Why?”
Justice: “Get him for us.”
Kensington Enterprises is led to the ring by Biff, who’s got the stick.
“Tonight, we finally put to rest some of Kensington Enterprises most annoying problems in the BOD. And I want to thank each and every one of you for your support! So much so, I need someone from the crowd to come into the ring so I can shower them with gifts from Kensington Enterprises! (He scans the crowd) You! Young man, it’s your lucky night! Come on in the ring!”
A young guy of about 19 or so nervously comes into the ring. Biff then speaks to him:
“My friend, do we have a deal for you! First things first, the official Kensington Enterprises t-shirt! Pre-shrunk! And the Kensington Enterprises baseball cap! Armbands! Kneepads! The official Kensington Enterprises scarf! The bottle opener! The Curtzerker replica tag title belts! (The HUSS section goes wild), The replica Money on the Table briefcase, with the Hoss seal of approval! The Kensington Enterprises coloring book! And, of course, your very own Biff Kensington autographed 8×10! All of these fine items are currently available on BOD Shopzone, but I’m giving them all to you for free! (The fan’s arms are crammed with all the merchandise. Biff ruffles his hair.) Now let me ask you, my friend; does Biff Kensington rule the BOD? (The fan nods with a huge grin.) Will Kensington Enterprises continue to be the dominant force in wrestling? (Nods.) Is there anything that Biff can’t buy? (Shakes his head no.) Well said! You enjoy those fine items, because Biff delivers! (The fan turns to leave, but Biff stops him.) You know, young man, I’m filthy rich. And let me tell you something…..I didn’t get filthy rich by just giving things away! (He turns to Hoss) Hoss…..he ate your ice cream.”
Kensington drops the mic and hops out of the ring. The fan swallows as Hoss stares at him. “HOSS WANT ICE CREAM!” PANTS-SHITTER to the fan! Curtzerker and Extant laugh hysterically as they strip the fan of all the merchandise and roll him out of the ring. They calm Hoss down as they await the other team.
Kensington Enterprises vs The Brazilian Psycho & Magoonie & Nick Piers & Beard Money
And here we go! Magoonie leads the charge and we’ve got pier-8 brawl! They’re battling all over the place, and it takes a few minutes to start the match proper, but finally we’re ready to go as Beard Money and Extant start us off. Quick chain-wrestling sequence to start, won by Beard Money has he controls off a wristlock. Extant gets back to his feet, shoots him off the ropes, shoulderblock by Beard Money! Money grabs a headlock and works it into his corner, tagging in Piers, who snapmares Extant over and dropkicks him in the upper spine. He gets him up, throwing rights and lefts and backing him into a corner. He whips him to the far corner, but the blind charge meets feet and Piers is down. Extant gets to his corner and tags in Berserker, who’s HUSSing like nobody’s business. Berserker sends Piers off the ropes, biiiig back body drop! First cover, 1, 2, no. Berserker hits the chinlock as Magoonie reaches for the tag. Berserker releases and taunts the corner, drawing in Brazilian; while the referee gets him out, here’s the second half of the tag champs, and the double team. Double side Russian legsweep! Double suplex! Referee turns around to Berserker back to the chinlock. He works it with forearms across the face. Puts him down with stomps, off the ropes, drops the elbow. Again! 1,2, no! Berserker drags him back over to the corner and tags in Williams, who catapults in with a splash. He shoots Piers off the ropes, and ties him up with a drop toehold, and tags in Extant, as the ring has been completely cut in half. Extant goes to the second rope, legdrop! 1,2, Magoonie with the save! The referee escorts him out and it’s a gang beating on Piers in the corner! Extant brings him to the corner and hits a tornado DDT! 1,2, no! Piers is showing some fire. Extant lays in the stomps and heads to the top rope – top rope kneedrop misses! Piers is crawling for the tag as Extant is in pain! Extant makes the tag to Hoss….Piers tags Magoonie! Magoonie in with rights and lefts, but Hoss isn’t moving, Magoonie off the ropes with a lariat that staggers the big man! Another one! A third attempted, but Hoss grabs him and hits a big chop! Hoss gets set up for a powerbomb, but Magoonie takes him over with ‘rana! 1,2, and Berserker breaks up the pin! And here comes Brazilian to take out Berserker, now Williams is in the ring, so is Beard Money! It’s breaking loose in Tulsa! The referee is trying to restore order…..and from all sides of the ring, it’s the Riverdale Covenant! Robert Davis and the Berserker are going at it as Biff runs for his life….right into a waiting Archie Stackhouse! Archie grins as Biff backs away slowly…..right into Hoss! Hoss steps in front of his ice cream benefactor and he and Stackhouse are facing off! The referee is still trying to get some wrestlers back in the ring as Davis and Nebb are teaming up against Curtzerker on the outside, and crowd goes insane as Archie and Hoss eye each other! Big right by Hoss! Archie smiles; big right by Archie! Hoss smiles! And now they’re going at it down the aisle! Biff is following, screaming at Hoss to kill Stackhouse…..meanwhile in the ring, Extant and Piers are alone as the rest of the match has spilled all over the floor! Piers comes off the ropes with a running enzugiri! Thrust kicks! He’s setting up for his finisher…..Extant sweeps the leg! Piers looks like he landed hard on his head, Extant goes up for a moonsault press! 1,2,3! Kensington Enterprises wins! The entire ringside area has been completely destroyed as Stackhouse and Hoss have disappeared into the back and most of The Riverdale Covenant and Kensington Enterprises are down. It seems that the war has only just begun!
Biscuit is in the ring as he awaits which member of Camp Cleveland he will face tonight. Here comes Camp Cleveland as they are riding to the ring in Biscuit’s Regal!!!!! Those Clevelanders hotwired the car, a typical trait from C-Town. Biscuit runs out of the ring and starts attacking all three members of Camp Cleveland but gets quickly overwhelmed. WWF1987 starts stomping away as White Thunder steps in and puts him in the Cleveland Four as Mikey pulls out a switchblade and starts ripping up the interior. WAIT A MINUTE, another car comes down the aisle and its the Chrysler Lebaron as Strike Force is in the house!!!!!! Caffeine enthusiast Mar Solo pushes the car down the ring by himself as Matt Indeed successfully takes off his windbreaker as the duo then starts a leaping high-five before running down to make the save. Thunder runs off with some hubcaps and Mikey Mike has the distributor cap as Strike Force helps Biscuit to his feet. Biscuit looks at his damaged car and is enraged but Strike Force give him a ride and he accepts as they drive off, with Biscuit not engaging the fist pumping and hi-fiving. The match is ruled a no contest.
And now clips of Kaptain Kiwi’s all-important Anchor Cheese photo shoot as we see Johnny and Tony Garea on the side talking business. Big stuff, folks.
BOD Solid B+ Championship match:
Kaptain Kiwi vs John Petuka
Petuka enters the ring, ready for his title shot! Trumpets blare, and Kiwi heads to the ring, tossing Anchor Cheese to the fans as he points to his ‘I did it all for the Garea’ shirt. Available at BOD Shopzone! The referee checks both wrestlers – he finds a pair of brass knucks in Petuka’s tights and warns him! He finds a package of Anchor Cheese in Kiwi’s tights and thanks him! The ref loves the cheese!Bell rings, and we’re underway! Lockup, and Petuka grabs a headlock. Kiwi shoots him off, leapfrog over a charging Petuka, drop toehold by Kiwi! Petuka quickly gets out of it and slaps the mat, they circle and lock up again. Petuka goes to the eyes and throws an uppercut, putting Kiwi down, stomps by Petuka. He gets Kiwi to his feet, Irish whip, lariat by Petuka! He backs Kiwi into the corner, cross-corner whip, splash into the turnbuckles! 1,2, no! Petuka hits a quick legdrop and looks for the Bazooka already…..but Kiwi slips out and hits a kick to Petuka’s chest! Another! Petuka is stunned….flatliner by Kiwi! He slaps on a chinlock and Petuka throws elbows to get out. Back to a standing position, Irish whip by Kiwi, reversed by Petuka, heel kick by Petuka! Kiwi is down, Petuka goes to the top rope…..elbow! 1,2, no! Petuka is frustrated but trying to hold it together. He picks Kiwi up, Kiwi with the go-behind….german suplex! He rolls over into another! A third with a bridge! 1,2, NO! Kiwi goes over and Petuka goes to the eyes again! What a cheap shot! Kiwi stumbles around, dropkick by Petuka! Petuka says it’s over and signals for the Petuka Bazooka! Setting up for it, but Kiwi reverses and hits a kneedrop to the back of Petuka that sends him to the floor! Petuka gets to his feet slowly as the referee is checking on Kiwi…..wait…..from the crowd, it kbjone! From behind, he attacks Petuka! Piledriver on the floor! Petuka is OUT! kbjone quickly scurries under the ring as the referee comes over, having seen nothing! Kiwi rolls Petuka back into the ring and puts on the Garea stretch! Arm drops once, twice, thrice! Kiwi retains! And kbjone emerges from underneath the ring, heading back out through the crowd, a very satisfied smile on his face. Kiwi celebrates in the ring by having some cheese!
We’re in a White Castle somewhere in Parts Unknown. The Job Mob pulls up to the front door, opening their doors in a cloud of smoke. Zanatude is proudly carrying the six-man titles as they burst open the doors of the White Castle.
Zanatude: “As expected, our opponents were truly terrified to even find the White Castle of Fear! Therefore, I declare that we are the winners of the White Castle of Fear match, and we’re going to celebrate with some delicious White Castles!”
Chatrock: “I dunno, White Castles again, man? I’m pretty sure that Murph has either had way too many of those things, or he’s pregnant, ’cause look at that gut, man.”
Murph: (Hitting a homemade bong made out of a Pepsi bottle) “Naw, I can eat. I want chicken rings, though.”
Zanatude: “We have proven once again that the Job Mob will reign over the BOD six-man championships because we’ve got it going on and stuff. Pass that thing, will you?” (He takes a hit and walks up to the counter.) “Chicken rings and a crave case, and if you’re holding, maybe a dime bag?”
The clerk looks up and smiles! It’s KYLE WARNE! He hops over the counter as Cabspaintedyellow emerges from the restroom and the fry cook takes off his paper hat and reveals himself as Adam Curry! The lone customer in a booth takes off his jacket to reveal his referee shirt! The White Castle of Fear match as BEGUN!
White Castle of Fear Match for the 6-Man titles:
The Job Mob vs Adam Curry & Cabspaintedyellow & Kyle Warne
They’re brawling all over the White Castle! Warne and Zanatude fall back over the counter brawling as Murph drops the bong and hooks up with Adam Curry, while Cabs and Chatrock are all over the aisles! This is an escape the White Castle match – the first team to get all 3 members out the door wins. Curry sends Murph headfirst into a booth top which was last cleaned in 2011, while Chatrock smashes a napkin dispenser into Cabspaintedyellow’s head, putting him down on the floor. Meanwhile, Zanatude and Warne are trading blows in the kitchen, Warne with a clothesline and Zanatude falls into the mop bucket! Warne grabs the bucket and sends him head first towards the deep fryer! Chatrock and Murph are double-teaming Adam Curry, suplexing him on the tiled floor! Murph is breathing heavy and having trouble getting back to his feet….and Cabs comes off the next booth with a flying clothesline on Chatrock! Zanatude has recovered in the kitchen and opens the refrigerator, finding trays of frozen White Castle patties – shot to the face of Kyle Warne! Patties are everywhere, and Zana tosses them like throwing stars at Cabs, nailing him between the eyes! Murph has struggled to his feet, but he’s so stoned, he thinks that Zanatude is trying to feed them! He yells over to Zana and opens his mouth like a baby seal at a zoo; Zanatude stops and looks at him, dumbfounded, as Warne attacks from behind! Warne sends him to the freezer door! He dumps a rack of trays on top of him, and Warne has TURNED ON THE STOVETOP! Sets Zanatude on the prep station, gets in position, headshot to Zanatude with the cutting board! Zanatude wobbles…..Warne with the superkick! Zanatude hits the stovetop! Oh, the humanity! Zanatude screams in pain as his flesh is seared with onions! Warne hops the counter and now it’s 3 on 2 as Chatrock is begging off….Murph from behind! He takes out Cabs as Warne gets a DDT on Chatrock on the tile floor to send him to dreamland! Murph grabs Warne and looks for a brainbuster, but here’s Adam Curry with a spear! Curry gets Cabs to his feet, and the three of them head for the door…..but Zanatude is up! Grilled, but up! He roars and dives off the counter….but Warne was sandbagging a bag of frozen chicken rings from the kitchen! Shot to the head of Zanatude and he goes down! Cabs motions to the others, and they grab the 6-man belts….and they walk out the front door! We have NEW 6-MAN CHAMPIONS!
Night & X-Man vs. Dancin’ Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112
HA HA HA HA HA, WE GITTIN’ FUN-KAY IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Night & X-Man are not impressed by dancin’. Match stars with DA DDH GITTIN’ XTRA FUN-KAY WITH A SLICE OF WATERMELON to taunt Night, who is pissed. He charges but misses then DDH puts the watermelon in his face as Ngiht spits it out. DDH then catches him with a slam. X-Man comes in and he is slammed too as both man regroup. FunkDoc tags and he flies outside with a somersault plancha to take out both guys. Back inside, FunkDoc takes control until X-Man kicks him from the apron. Night tags X-Man in as they both take turns destroying FunkDoc. DDH rallies behind is partner from the apron as X-Man hits a running powerslam for two. Night tags in then FunkDoc rolls away and comes back with a dropkick as both men are down. Night is up first and tags but FunkDoc also tags as the DDH GITS FUN-KAY OFF OF THE HOT TAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He runs through the opposition until Night drags him outside. X-Man follows out and they beat on the DDH until FunkDoc comes out to even the score but in the process the referee counts to ten as this match is ruled as a double countout.
The Fuj vs. Hart Killer 09
Hart Killer tries to attack from behind but misses a corner charge as Fuj gets two with a quick rollup then puts on a headlock as the veteran always knows his way around the ring. Fuj uses some matwork to ground Hart Killer, who eventually reaches the ropes then ducks outside. He re-enters and locks up with Fuj. Hart Killer tries a cheapshot but that fails as Fuj takes him down with an armbar then switches to the leg as he grapevines that for a bit. Fuj softens up the leg but Hart Killer gets the ropes. Fuj picks up Hart Killer, who shoves the ref in-between them and ducks down to hit Fuj low without the referee looking as he finally gets in some offense. Hart Killer hits a backbreaker then puts Fuj in a surfboard. The crowd rallies behind the Fuj, who is now getting choked out from behind. Hart Killer sends Fuj to the corner but misses a splash. Hart Killer gets up first and drops an elbow. He heads up top for another elbow and hits that but only gets two. Hart Killer yells at the ref and says he is not in his top 700 list of referees. Hart Killer heads up top but Fuj gets up and meets him. They brawl for a bit but Hart Killer brushes him off. He then tries a flying clothesline but the Fuj twists his arm in midair to take him down then flips around and puts Hart Killer in the ankle lock!!!!!!! He screams for a minute but then has no other choice but to tap as the Fuj is victorious. After issuing his challenge, who will be able to beat the Fuj?
A video recap of Cultstatus and Abeyance airs, set to “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay – it features extreme closeups of all the ballshots from BODMania, and is labled at the end as ‘A film by Abeyance’.
And here’s Abeyance, played down to the ring by….”Mama said knock you out” by LL Cool J. That Abeyance, so cutting edge. Cultstatus is out next, but his entrance music, “I Predict a Riot” by the Kaiser Chiefs, is cut off by Abeyance.
Abeyance: “Cult, I gotta tell you man, I don’t think I need to prove to you again that I’m the better man. How about you just walk away and we don’t do this, huh?”
In response, Cult grins and shows off his taped fists, on which are written “Abeyance’s face here.” Abeyance gulps.
3 Stages of BOD Match to determine the #1 Contender to the BOD Title:
Cultstatus vs Abeyance
Stage 1 – The Dock Muraco ****1/4 star match
Dock Muraco enters in Nakamura’s outfit from Wrestle Kingdom 9, on loan, of course. He sits in a red velvet throne with cards that he’ll hold up to determine the match rating. The match cannot end until it hits at least 4 1/4 stars. And here we go!
Cult goes right after Abeyance, who ducks into the ropes. The ref backs him off, and Abeyance cautiously comes out….and Cult superkicks him into next week! 1,2,3! Let’s go to Dock: “*” is the sign, so we have to keep going! Cult shrugs and picks Abeyance up as the latter attempts to regain his bearings, Cult off the ropes with a huge lariat! Cult poses and points at Muraco, goes back over to Abeyance, picks him up again, but this time, Abeyance fires a right at Cult, who snaps his head back….and smiles. Uh-Oh. Abeyance hops out of the ring and Cult gives chase around the ring, Abeyance back in, putting the boots to Cult as he re-enters the ring, barely fazing Cult. Abeyance goes for a waistlock, but Cult counters into an overhead cravat, cranking down while Abeyance attempts to use his leg-strength to flip Cult over, but no dice. Abeyance manages to get back to his feet as Cult attempts to hold him down and he kicks Cult in the knee. Cult staggers for a moment, and Abeyance seizes on it with another kick to the knee. Off the ropes, Abeyance with a Shining Wizard to Cult’s face! 1,2, no! Abeyance goes back to work on the knee, dragging Cult to the corner and wrapping his leg around the post. Dock Muraco appreciates this violence and psychology, and holds up the ‘**’ sign. Abeyance looks to continue working the knee with stomps, and he looks to put on a Benoit-bridging stepover toehold, but Cult uses his strength advantage to power out of it, albeit with his knee looking like it’s been tweaked. Abeyance grabs a headlock and looks to work it, but Cult gets him up for a belly-to-back suplex! Abeyance looks stunned and seems to be favoring his shoulder, Cult gets to his feet trying to shake off the leg, Abeyance comes at him with a dropkick…..that Cult sidesteps. And now Abeyance is really favoring the shoulder. Cult circles and continues to walk off the knee injury, stopping behind Abeyance and dropping elbows into the injured shoulder! He stretches him out and drops the good knee on the shoulder and wraps it up in a keylock. Abeyance tries to maneuver out of it with some chain wrestling, but Cult rolls through into a crossface! Abeyance is in agonizing pain….and he taps! Cult looks up to Muraco, who holds two fingers together in a ‘this close’ gesture and holds up the ‘*** 1/4’ sign. One star to go! Cult seems to have walked off most of the knee injury and he sets Abeyance in a sitting position, and kicks him straight in the face, stiff as shit! Muraco squeals with delight! Cult drops an elbow and another in quick succession, and heads to the top rope. Cult with the MOONSAULT? Abeyance moves! He goes for the quick rollup, but the shoulder’s gone and Cult gets out at 1. Both wrestlers are down and they get to their knees! Slap by Abeyance! Slap by Cult! BITCHFIGHT! Muraco loves it! Chop by Cult! Chop by Abeyance! They’re nose to nose chopping each other in the chest! ‘****’ is held up by Muraco, and we’re close! Cult wins the chopping battle, both are red in the chest, he sends Abeyance into the corner. Cult charges, Abeyance moves! Backstabber by Abeyance! He didn’t get all of it, the shoulder is still bothering him. 1,2, no! Abeyance slams the mat in frustration. He pulls off his elbow pad on the good arm, and he’s setting up for the ‘Welcome to the BOD’ roaring elbow! “You’re done, Cult! It’s Abeyance’s time now!” Irish whip and here comes the elbow, but Cult ducks underneath and wraps him up in a crucifix! 1,2, NO! My god! Abeyance almost lost it there, and he knows it. He pops the shoulder back into place and goes over the Cult, but Cult was goldbricking! Shot to the gut by Cult…..spinning sitout Liger Bomb! 1,2,3! And we look to Muraco….. ‘****1/2’ ! The first fall goes to Cultstatus!
Stage 2 – Perri’s Put-Down Conditions
And here comes the former Writer’s Champion with Danielle! There’s a microphone on a stand by ringside and Perri is ready to use it. “****1/2 stars, Muraco? I shit better matches than that. Ooooh, stiff shots, how original. This match sucks! Cultstatus, you suck; you’re nothing more than an old man who’s time has passed, and Abeyance, you’re the most annoying little shit on the blog. The less time I have to watch this crap, the better. Ring the bell!”
And with that, the bell rings and stage 2 is underway! Cult and Abeyance slowly make their way back to their feet. Perri: “Man, this fast pace is making Show and Kane look like Super Calo wannabees. Yeah, I know luchadors, I know more than all of you, and because of that, I can tell you this match blows.” Abeyance is still groggy and Cult looks to make him pay, raining rights and lefts and backing Abeyance into a corner. Perri: “Hey Cult, it’s a wrestling match, watch those fists! God, you suck.” Cult backs up and sends a shoulder to the gut of Abeyance. Another! He sets Abeyance up on the top rope. Perri: “Jesus, man. This abortion is worse than the one I wish my mother had so I wouldn’t be subjected to watching this train wreck right now. Right, Danielle? (Danielle nods her head vigorously)”Abeyance stirs to life as Cult sets up for the superplex and fires headbutts at Cult’s head, and we’ve got our first blood as Cult falls off, a trickle of blood coming off his forehead. Perri: “Finally found a use for your head, huh Abeyance? Well, since you clearly never learned to wrestle, that brain wasn’t doing much anyway.” Abeyance gets to his feet on the top rope, frog splash to Cult! 1,2, NO! Perri sighs loudly on the microphone. Abeyance staggers back to his feet, drapes Cult off the ropes, and hits a running dropkick in the corner! Perri: “I’m so fucking bored, I’m going to list all the things I’d rather be doing than watching this match. #1 – Reviewing Raw. #2 – Treating the pus-filled corns on my mother-in-law’s feet. #3 – Reviewing Raw again even though we all know it sucks. #4 – A drunken doctor giving me a prostate exam. #5…” He keeps going as Abeyance has gained the upper hand in the ring, and hits a Fisherman’s Buster suplex for a 2 count. He gets set up for the brainbuster. Perri: “Man, with all that blood rushing to his head, Cult may have an actual thought. Probably make that damn melon explode all over the ring. That would be a merciful end to this travesty of sucktitude.” Abeyance hits the brainbuster! 1,2, no! Abeyance is frustrated, to be sure. He decides to change tactics and looks to go back to the knee with a dragon-screw legwhip. Perri: “Oh, sure, NOW he remembers that he was on the leg earlier. Good God, what did I do to deserve this crap? I promise that I will find at least one good thing with Raw every week if this match would just END.”Abeyance rolls the leg with a spinning toehold and stomps the back of the knee, and Cult is feeling it again. Perri: “Attaboy, Abeyance! You still suck.” Cult is REALLY feeling the pain in the knee now as Abeyance has switched to a Cloverleaf, but he’s trying to power out of it! The crowd claps along as Cult is straining. Perri: “You idiots, stop cheering him! I need him to quit so I can finally stop watching this nonsense and go get a burrito.” Cult powers out of the hold! Perri: “Damnit, Cult!” Abeyance gets back to his feet and looks to go back to his knee, but Cult grabs him for a small package! 1,2, no! Perri: “You didn’t wrap up the leg, Cult! God, you suck!” Abeyance stomps on Cult and goes to the top rope, looking for the big knee drop….hits it! 1,2, no! Cultstatus will not DIE! Perri: “That was a nice move…..or it would have been had I done it properly. Also, had I done it, it would have gotten a pin. Abeyance, you suck.”
Abeyance gets Cult back to his feet, albeit on one leg, and he comes off the ropes with a chop block! Cult’s knee is GONE, and Abeyance wraps him up with a stretch muffler…..and Cult taps! Perri: “THANK GOD. You both suck and can kiss my ass. I’m gonna get my check and go to Golden Corral for some Chocolate Fountain. Come on, Danielle!”
Stage 3 – Tommy Hall E-Book in a Cell match – Special Guest Referee, Jef Vinson
Jef Vinson and his valet come to the ring, BOD Heavyweight title in tow. Vinson has a slight limp in his walk. He hands the title to his valet and puts on his referee shirt as the cage is lowered. Hard copies of Tommy Hall’s e-books are hanging from various points in the Cell – rumor has it that the printing actually cost more than the books made him in profit. The cut on Cultstatus’s head has opened up and he’s got a more than a trickle of blood on his face, and he can barely stand. Vinson grins and calls for the bell.
Abeyance charges….and Cult LEVELS him with the collected Tommy Hall review of Monday Nitro! He pulled it down when no one was looking, and Abeyance is busted wide open! Both wrestlers are down and Vinson is no longer grinning. “Get up, Abeyance!” Cult makes his way to his feet and stalks Abeyance, who’s bleeding like a stuck pig now. Cult corners Abeyance, still barely able to put any weight on his knee, but Abeyance is barely moving. Cult suplexes Abeyance and goes to the second rope with Tommy Hall’s collected WCW Thunder reviews under his arm – he drops it on Abeyance’s head! Abeyance is woozy still and Cult goes for the cover. 1,2, no! A little slow on that count, Mr. Vinson, who shrugs and winks at his valet on the outside of the ring. Cult picks Abeyance up….DDT! 1,2, no! AGAIN with the slow count. Cult sighs and gets in Vinson’s face – Vinson points at his referee shirt. “Remember who’s in charge, Cult!” Cult isn’t backing down, and they’re nose to nose – but here’s Abeyance from behind! Collected reviews of WCW PPVs to the back of Cult’s head! Cult goes down and Abeyance shoots the half, 1,2, no! Vinson found a quicker cadence that time. Abeyance staggers to his feet, blood running off his face and onto his chest, and he grabs the collected NXT reviews and DROPS it on Cult’s head! It’s official – that cut is completely open, and we’ve got ourselves a double-gusher! Abeyance and Vinson high-five, and then Abeyance points to the other side of the arena – what’s he pointing at? Vinson looks, and Abeyance kicks a field goal on Cult’s nuts while Vinson is ‘distracted’. Abeyance throws back his head and laughs, and taps Vinson on the shoulder, pointing at Cult and laughing. He mimes a kick to the nutsack and Vinson laughs too. Abeyance drops to one knee and goes for the cover. 1, NO! Cult kicks out with authority! Cult slowly makes his way to his feet as Abeyance freaks out! Cult is HULKING UP! Shot after shot from Abeyance failing to find their mark as Cult just smiles through his bloody face and advances on Abeyance in the corner. Vinson goes over to his valet – he’s got the purse! What’s in that thing? Cultstatus is wailing on Abeyance in the corner and here comes Vinson to back him away…..he handed off the purse to Abeyance! Vinson and Cult are still arguing and here’s Abeyance from behind…..Cultstatus ducks! Purse hits Vinson FULL IN THE FACE! He goes down like a shot! Abeyance can’t believe what he’s done, and now he knows that’s he’s on his own as Cult taps him on the shoulder, sick grin on his face…..”WELCOME TO THE BOD!” he screams in Abeyance’s face! Drops to one knee – GIANT BALLSHOT ON ABEYANCE! He hoists him up…..BURNING HAMMER! Abeyance may be legally deceased! He grabs Vinson, makes the cover, and moves Vinson’s hand up and down. 1…2…3!! IT’S ALL OVER! CULTSTATUS IS YOUR NEW #1 CONTENDER FOR THE BOD WORLD TITLE!! Blood stains the mat as the fans chant for Cult! Abeyance is out, as is Vinson, and here comes the stretcher for Abeyance! Cultstatus made his statement and got his revenge! What a match!
And now, it is time for the “Happening” Harry Broadhurst “Not Doing the Job” Challenge. Here is Harry with a few inspirational words:
“Harry Fact #222, it doesnt matter who accepts this challenge because Harry Fact #1 is…………….HARRY NEVER DOES THE JOB!!!!!!!”
Harry awaits a challenger and out comes none other than Dean Andrews, a man hired to fulfill an ethnic quota.
Dean Andrews vs. “Happening” Harry Broadhurst
Andrews goes after Broadhust, who ducks outside. Harry continues to stall as we are shown footage backstage of the big improtant meeting ending, with Bobby Bayless coming out in his Umbro shorts as he plays with his paddle that has a ball tied to a string, singing “Baby, You a Rich Man” by the Fat Boys as part of the motion picture soundtrack to “Disorderlies.” Back to the match as Harry orders the referee to check the boots of Andrews and when he does Harry boots him down then rolls him up while holding the tights for the win!!!! Harry then ducks outside and grabs the mic while screaming “HARRY FACT NUMBER ONE: HARRY……………NEVER……………..DOES…………..THE…………..JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!