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Monday Nitro – November 22, 1999

Monday Nitro #215
Date: November 22, 1999
Location:
Palace of Auburn Hills, Auburn Hills, Michigan
Attendance: 11,449
Commentators: Bobby
Heenan, Tony Schiavone
Reviewed by Tommy Hall
We’re past Mayhem now
and Bret Hart is the new WCW World Champion, actually winning the
title mostly clean over Chris Benoit in the Sharpshooter. The next
big night for the company is about a month away at Starrcade, meaning
it’s time to see what Russo considers a big idea. This would be
different than a small match with only four run-ins, a ref bump and a
weapon being used. Let’s get to it.

Jeff Jarrett is in the
back and ranting about how he’s the chosen one.
Opening sequence.
Here’s
Bret to open things up with a very shiny title. He’s finally here
after a long two years but it was all worth it and this title is for
his father Stu. As for things around here, what happened to Goldberg
hasn’t been cool so Bret thinks he should give Goldberg a title shot
at Starrcade. Cue the Outsiders with Hall mocking everything Bret
says, as you would expect him to.
Maybe Bret should take
some lessons from the Outsiders because they took WCW to where it is
today. That joke easily writes itself. They want a match against
Bret and Goldberg tonight and Bret says of course, but Jarrett sneaks
in and blasts Bret with the guitar. Like any good heel, he leaves
with the belt.
Curt Hennig is in the
back and says he can’t wrestle, but he can say goodbye to everyone.
He turns around and sees the Maestro playing the piano. Nothing else
happens, and Maestro will be playing there all night long. Why?
Because that’s what Maestro does I suppose.
Konnan
tells Kidman to stop worrying about his missing camera.
Tony
Marinara is with the Mamalukes, better known as Big Vito and Johnny
the Bull. Vito wants a cheese sandwich, and he says it so
convincingly that I want to buy him a sandwich. They plan on putting
a horse’s head in someone’s bed, then realize they don’t know whose
bed it is. Marinara threatens to call his father the Don and reminds
them that it’s Disco.
Luger is with the
Powers That Be and tells them that he can book Liz in matches due to
owning her contract. They agree, so tonight it’s Liz vs. Meng. I do
enjoy them pretending that this is going to be a match instead of an
angle.
Liz is horrified. Me
too. What a stupid story.
Tag Team Titles:
Konnan/Kidman vs. Creative Control
Whoa!
A match! The twins are challenging. Kidman gets launched into the
air for two to start before the other twin plants him with a slam.
Gerald gets dropkicked down though and the hot tag brings in Konnan
to clean house. We cut to the screen to show Eddie and Torrie in the
locker room talking. Kidman freaks out and runs to the back, even
though they were just casually talking. The monsters don’t really
need the help though as a spinning belly to back suplex gives them
the titles.
Rating:
D-.
Well so much for the Filthy Animals, as they’ve gone from Russo’s
favorite toy to seemingly about to split in the span of about a
month. I can’t say I’m complaining though as they were one of the
most annoying acts I’ve ever seen. The wrestling was fine but my
goodness their talking got old fast.
Kidman
goes after Eddie, but Heenan points out the correct observation: they
were just talking and laughing a bit. Nothing implied that something
was going on.
Goldberg and Hart
aren’t sure how to deal with the Outsiders and Jarrett in the same
night. Goldberg says he’ll fight the Outsiders on his own and Bret
can go after Jarrett. It won’t necessarily be a handicap match
either.
Skye can’t talk Spice
out of fighting Tygress tonight.
With the piano music
still playing, Hennig and Buff agree that there are no hard feelings
about the whole forcing Curt into retirement thing.
Here’s
Hardcore Champion Norman Smiley. He’s the REAL hardcore man around
here. When you look up the definition of hardcore in the dictionary,
you see his tough mug. This morning, he drank a glass of milk that
was TWO DAYS PAST EXPIRATION! It’s open challenge time and here’s
Fit Finlay to scare the milk out of Norman. He kicks Smiley low and
puts on his football helmet for a headbutt. The Regal Roll leaves
Smiley laying despite being the funniest guy in the company in a long
time.
The
announcers recap the show thus far.
Liz can’t talk Luger
out of putting her in this match. Maestro is still playing and has
barely been acknowledged all night.
Hall thinks he’s
figured out Goldberg’s plan. He can’t confirm it, but it might
involve spears and Jackhammers.
Chavo Guerrero is
selling the Mamalukes some gold chains when Disco comes in, freaks
out, and leaves.
Tenay tells Jarrett
that he has a match with Bret coming up tonight so Jarrett throws him
out. Well, he’s got the jerk role down.
Evan Karagias vs.
Saturn
Non-title.
Evan stops to kiss Madusa at the start and gets suplexed out of his
shoes for his efforts. The Death Valley Driver is countered into a
sunset flip for two as we have a hippie coming over to commentary.
It’s Brad Armstrong in yet another new gimmick called Buzzkill
(Heenan: “How do you do Mr. Kill?”) because he needs a
personality. Saturn throws Evan again and puts on the Rings of
Saturn for the quick win. Some champion.
Kidman
yells about Eddie going beyond Filthy Animal business and wants a
match with him later tonight. That could be good.
Eddie reads off a cue
card (some of the most obvious I’ve ever seen) about Kidman not
understanding what’s going on and proving it in the ring tonight.
Vampiro vs. The Wall
Ferrara
and Williams come out for commentary. Well one of them anyway.
Vampiro slugs away to start and knocks Wall to the floor but the big
man kicks him in the ribs to take over. You can imagine what Ferrara
is talking about. The Misfits help their buddy out but Wall shrugs
it off and beats on Vampiro inside. Vampiro’s kicks put him down but
Berlyn comes in with a chair for the DQ.
Wall
isn’t pleased and the Germans come to blows, breaking up the long
standing partnership after all of two months. After they leave,
Williams beats up the Misfits but eats a spinning kick to the face
from Vampiro.
Liz jumps inside a
shark cage because they just have one around.
A limo arrives.
WCW World Title:
Jeff Jarrett vs. Bret Hart
Jeff
is wearing the title after stealing it earlier in the night. Of
course this main events the first hour instead of the entire show.
Bret slugs away to start and takes Jeff into the corner for right
hands and a boot choke. Outside now with Jeff going into the
barricade before they head inside where Bret gets crotched on the top
rope. Back to the floor again as they can’t make up their mind.
Jeff slams him head first onto the announcers’ table as this
wrestling thing just doesn’t do it for either guy these days.
They get back inside
for a sleeper on the champ but he suplexes his way out to put both
guys down. The Five Moves get some near falls and Jeff gets the same
off a middle rope clothesline. Jeff kicks him to the floor and
Creative Control swarms Bret, drawing in Dustin Rhodes to clock
Jarrett with the title. Bret didn’t see a thing and covers to
retain.
Rating:
D+.
I really wasn’t feeling this one as they were all over the place out
there and brawling instead of wrestling like these two could do in
their sleep. But then again, why should either of them care at this
point? Bret’s heart clearly isn’t in it and they’ve wasted him this
long, so why should be believe it’s going to get any better?
The
Mamalukes come up to the Maestro, who has the former Ryan Shamrock
next to him, and ask for some Sinatra. Karaoke is performed in one
of the only times all night that Maestro has been acknowledged.
Luger
is trying to get Liz to come out of the cage. This girls in cages
idea has to be some Russo fetish. She finally gives it up but Luger
says the match is still on. Eh points for making him even more evil.
On the other hand, points taken away for leaving her locked inside
the cage and saying he’ll put it in the ring. After a break, Liz
tries to get Sting to help her but he says to lay in the cage she’s
made.
Kidman vs. Eddie
Guerrero
Torrie
is in a blue swimsuit top and matching blue pants with her hair tied
back. You can imagine the reactions. Why she changed since we saw
her with Eddie earlier isn’t clear. Konnan comes out with Eddie but
Kidman dives over the top to take Eddie down before the bell. They
head in for the first time with Eddie getting hammered in the corner.
That goes as far as it can so Guerrero suplexes Kidman over the top
and out to the floor in a big crash.
After
a whip to the barricade, Eddie takes him back inside for some knees
to the ribs. The camera keeps focusing on Torrie and throwing the
announcers off. I can cut them some slack on this one. Kidman gets
hit low trying a leapfrog and the match slows down quite a bit. The
Revolution comes out to jump Konnan to pick things up and because
that feud just won’t die. The distraction lets Kidman come back with
right hands to Eddie, setting up the Shooting Star but Torrie asks
him for help, allowing Eddie to superplex him down and nail the Frog
Splash for the pin.
Rating:
C.
That wasn’t bad but I could go for anything but the Revolution vs.
Filthy Animals going forward. Hopefully this leads to the Animals
breaking up though as I can’t take much more of their stupid
catchphrases and slang that makes no sense. Or the whole being
thieves that I’m supposed to cheer.
Creative
Control is asked which is Patrick and both point to the other. Quick
one line jokes are Russo’s strong suit. Their next assignments are
to find Duggan (“Big goof, one kidney”) and find out who is in
the limo.
Skye
asks Spice not to fight tonight but Spice has to do what a girl has
to do.
Meng
vs. Elizabeth
Liz,
still in the shark cage, is brought in on a forklift. Meng of course
attacks the cage but can’t break through. Luger offers him the key
and gets put in the Tongan Death Grip as a result, drawing out Sting
with the bat to lay out the monster. He unlocks Liz and they leave
after a non-match. Or did Meng win by DQ?
Jim
Duggan asks Maestro to play Chopsticks.
Lash Leroux vs.
Disco Inferno
Disco
is so scared of the mob guys that he doesn’t even dance and starts
the match quickly. They trade hammerlocks and armdrags to start as
Disco keeps looking over his shoulder. Cue the mob guys to scare
Disco even more, but Johnny accidentally trips Lash, allowing Disco
to take over. Disco stomps away but Lash pops back up with a sunset
flip and Whiplash for the pin.
The mob comes in to
stomp Disco, only to have Lash make the save. Marinara tries to come
in but gets put to sleep and thrown into a white body bag.
Creative
Control tries to see inside the limo to no avail. After a break, the
twins say they have nothing to do with the limo’s car alarm going
off. It should be their limo though since they’re the champs now.
The Powers yell at
Duggan for messing up the bathroom last week, so Russo has been
eating prunes all day. Duggan gets to clean the toilet with a
toothbrush.
Tygress vs. Spice
Let’s
get this over with. Spice is dressed as a schoolgirl and Tygress is
in a leopard print body suit. Tygress easily takes her down and the
fans are dead. Back up and Spice hits a kind of running tackle and
we’re in catfight mode. A snapmare puts Tygress down and the
announcers of course freak. Cue Skye (Stacy, in a leather skirt that
might be nine inches long) with a makeup bag to knock Spice out.
Skye and Tygress put
makeup on Spice. I can’t imagine this story continuing.
We go to the back to
talk to…..MENG? As the Maestro keeps laying just because, Meng
speaks (!), saying he wants Sting in a No DQ match tonight with Sting
using the bat. So Meng is ok with someone hitting him in the head
with a bat. Why would you EVER take him up on that? I know Sting is
stupid but my goodness. Speaking of my goodness, MENG DOES NOT TALK.
This is just a step below WWE ECW having Sabu speak. You just don’t
do it.
Here’s
Hennig for his big farewell. After a hug to Heenan, Curt can barely
speak. He keeps trying but a PERFECT chant cuts him off and he
leaves with tears in his eyes.
We see the limo again.
Duggan finds Russo’s
toothbrush and cleans the toilet with it. You know this is coming
back later.
Cue
Roddy Piper of all people for the first time in about four months.
He rips into writers, ranting about how they put in all these women
and T&A and having a bunch of stupid entrances. This is actually
exactly what you would expect him to say. The mic is quickly cut
off, so Piper grabs a camera guy and takes him to the back to meet
with the Powers That Be.
After kicking the door
in, Piper is stunned to see Russo (well, despite them flat out saying
it was Russo since he debuted, how could Piper know? Did he really
expect there to be a body there instead of just an arm?) and tells
the boss that he has a contract, guaranteeing that he appears on TV.
Russo says Piper has a bad hip and is almost 50 so he needs to go
join Ric and Hulk in Florida. Piper can be on TV though, but it’s
going to be as a referee. Piper fumes about it, then walks to his
limo saying “Yes sir” over and over. Somehow, this fits him
perfectly.
Buff Bagwell vs.
Booker T.
Booker
gets taken down by a nice armdrag to start and it’s time to dance.
They lock up and Creative Control is out before we can even get a
minute into the match. Buff clotheslines him down and they head to
the floor for….nothing. Ok then. Back in and Booker nails the
kicks and the Spinarooni, only to have to nail one of the twins
instead of covering. The distraction lets Buff nail a Blockbuster,
but the other twin distracts the referee so the first can stomp
Bagwell. Cue Hennig to talk to the twins….and then stomp Bagwell.
One of the twins covers Buff and the bell rings because of whatever
their reason is this week.
Rating:
D.
So Hennig spent weeks getting beaten up by whoever Russo threw at him
and then joined them anyway. I’m so glad we’ve moved past that NWO
era and are now getting the same thing from a yet to be named group
led by the Powers That Be. Is there any team Hennig hasn’t joined
since he’s been in WCW?
Midnight comes out for
the save.
The Powers welcome
Hennig to the team. If you can’t beat em, join em you see, even
though he won several of the matches.
Liz offers to manage
Sting against Meng tonight.
Asya vs. Madusa
This
could be gloriously horrible. They’re already fighting on the floor
before the bell finishes ringing. Asya drives her into the barricade
but Madusa gets in some kicks to the ribs. Back in (assuming they
were in there in the first place) with Madusa lifting her up in an
electric chair before firing off even more kicks. Asya slams her off
the top and puts on a leg choke for the submission while Saturn beats
up Karagias on general principle.
Malenko doesn’t like
seeing Canadians fighting for an American prize. Tonight he’s going
to show Benoit how much he cares about Canada with a blowtorch. The
anthem is changing from O Canada to BURN CANADA BURN. This is going
to hurt isn’t it?
Chris Benoit vs.
Dean Malenko
Double
flag match, which is close enough to a pole match that I’m
considering it one. Benoit pulls Dean’s hockey jersey over his face
hockey style, setting up some knees to the ribs. The fans of course
chant USA. I have no idea which flag they need to pull down and
Heenan is too busy making hockey jokes. Benoit heads outside and
grabs…..gasoline. Oh geez this isn’t ending well is it?
Malenko saves himself
from being set on fire (just go with it) with a low blow but Benoit
chops him in the corner. Is that like a Canadian defense mechanism
or something? Benoit stops Dean from getting the Canadian flag and
puts him in the Tree of Woe for a good looking baseball slide. He
whips Malenko in but Dean drops to his knees to beg for mercy. Oh
come on now. Thankfully Benoit dropkicks him in the face, only to be
sent throat first into the bottom rope, allowing Malenko to get the
Canadian flag for the win. Tony makes it even worse by saying you
had to get your own flag but I really can’t bring myself to care.
Rating:
D.
This wasn’t much of a match but Benoit’s dropkicks looked good. It’s
just so depressing watching Malenko have to put up with this nonsense
which he clearly hates doing. At least it was fast though and it’s a
sad day when you have to say that about a Malenko vs. Benoit match.
The
Revolution comes in with a barrel and throw in the Canadian flag.
That’s not enough though as they throw in the American one as well,
but thankfully Bret runs in for the save. He hands Benoit the
Canadian flag and waves the American one because why not. See, this
is where the Revolution dies right in front of you. Russo seemed to
think they were paramilitary or something similar so that’s what
we’re getting: people who hate Canada and the US as well. I’m not
sure how we got here from guys tired of the older generation hogging
the main event and honestly, I’m not sure I want to know because it
might scare me.
The
Powers call Juventud Guerrera into their office to ask about an
expired work visa. Juvy offers the Powers some tequila and Russo
spits it out. He’d like his toothbrush please (you knew it was
coming), despite clearly just being an arm with a voicebox attached.
Meng vs. Sting
No
DQ and Sting is in a t-shirt again. Meng goes right after him to
start, possibly worried that the poly/cotton blend might chafe
Sting’s toned chest. Liz comes out to watch as Sting finally gets
out of the jacket, revealing leather pants. Huh? Sting avoids an
elbow but turns down Liz’s offer of the mace can. The Stinger Splash
has Meng in trouble but here’s Luger. Sting grabs him, possibly to
ask for hair tips, setting up the Tongan Death Grip to give Meng the
win, which I’m sure is totally leading somewhere right?
Liz checks on Sting
post match.
Nash shouts for someone
to come on….but Hall is in the other direction. I don’t see this
ending well.
Goldberg asks his
partner if he’s ready.
David Flair FINALLY
breaks up Maestro’s piano with the crowbar, probably turning into one
of the biggest faces in the promotion as a result. Well assuming the
fans can actually see these segments.
Outsiders vs.
Goldberg/???
Nash
gets to wear the TV Title, which you would think is way beneath him.
Somehow this is the first time Tony explains that Hall is the US and
TV Champion. You would think that would have been brought up earlier
in the night, but we had piano issues to discuss. Now the
stupid/shocking move here would be to go with Sid as Goldberg’s
partner in an act of respect for all the hard fou…..oh of course
it’s Sid so I’m not even bothering with the sarcasm here. They’re
acting like best friends now of course and don’t have the slightest
bit of animosity.
Hall
and Goldberg get things going but Scott throws the toothpick at Sid
to draw him in. The referee actually does his job for once and it’s
off to Sid. Hall is casually shoved across the ring and Sid does it
again for good measure. Tony tries to pass this off as a big respect
thing but it’s just not working.
The Outsiders have to
fight out of a double chokeslam attempt and it’s off to Nash for some
big right hands. A running boot to the face drops Nash though and
it’s time for the Starrcade rematch. Nash gets put with a superkick
and I can’t believe this has held together so long. Some good old
fashioned cheating gives the Outsiders a breather but Goldberg just
plants Scott with a powerslam. Another cheap shot slows Goldberg
down so Sid hits one of his own (with the bandaged arm) on Hall to
even things out.
Nash comes in for the
standard corner offensive package and it’s back to Hall for a front
facelock. Old school missed tag to Sid gets us nowhere so Goldberg
clotheslines both Outsiders at the same time. Sid comes in to clean
house and chokeslams Hall, followed by a big spear. The powerbomb
connects but Nash sneaks in while the referee is with Goldberg and
drops an elbow (just a regular elbow) on Sid to give Hall the fluke
pin.
Rating:
D+.
This was……shockingly watchable actually. The cheating end was as
tame an ending to a Russo main event as there has been yet and this
was a really by the book, standard tag formula power match. I mean,
it wasn’t anything good but for a TV main event in this era to
actually be calm and follow the rules is stunning.
Goldberg and Nash fight
until security pulls them apart to end the show.
Overall
Rating:
D.
It’s a slightly better show this week with a few less things to get
annoyed at, but the Maestro thing got annoying in a hurry. I’m still
trying to get over that main event though as it was a totally calm
and rational match without a bunch of insanity throughout. It’s nice
that they’re focusing on Starrcade already but the stuff in the
middle is going to hurt them in the long run. I mean, do we need to
see the Revolution trying to burn flags or the Hennig nonsense? It’s
also annoying that Luger and Sting have one of the most logical
stories on the roster while everyone else is a mess. Fix that and
the show will improve.
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