Matt’s Monday Night RAW Recap – 4/13/2015

The Giants lost their home opener.
I don’t care. 
Three championships in five years? I’m still buzzin’.
Anyhow, me and Danielle, we had a helluva party this afternoon. Great BBQ and beer and snacks.
Helluva thing.
Let’s get moving…

We are LIVE(!!!) from the O2 Arena in London, England!!!
JBL, Booker and…MICHAEL FUCKING COLE?!? What the actual fuck? Can somebody tell me the name of the doctor he’s got?
JBL
wants to know how his neck is and Cole says he’ll “get to that later”
which is wrestling speak for “don’t you worry your pretty little head”.
He shows us a Mac OS X slideshow of London as if it’s right outside.
John
Cena starts us out. London hates him. So Cena does his best to suck up.
He says that London deserves WrestleMania. “London” agrees. He tells
everyone that it’s The Authority’s choice. They chose to make everyone
wait. He puts out another challenge for the United States Championship
and…it’s Bad News Barrett out to a huge pop.
Barrett
thanks London for their support and says it’s nice of them to cheer,
but that he hasn’t done anything yet. He says, ideally, he should face
Daniel Bryan for the IC Title, but he wants to beat Cena…TONIGHT!!!
THIS IMPORTANT TITLE DEFENSE IS COMING UP…uh…next, after Popeye’s introduces you to Ghost Pepper Lip Balm or something.
MATCH #1: John Cena (champion) vs. Bad News Barrett (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship
Cena
applies a headlock. Barrett breaks and kicks him out of the ring.
Another Cena headlock. Barrett breaks and hits a big boot to the head.
Two count. Cena hits Move #1 but misses #2. Barrett takes over, kneeing
him in the gut, then booting him out of the ring. Barrett hits an elbow
drop off the mat, then tosses Cena into the ring for two. Cena comes
back with a dropkick and goes top rope with a Crossbody for two. He hits
#3 and goes for the 5Ks…but Barrett rolls out of the ring. Cena
chases but Barrett makes him eat the steel steps, then rolls him into
the ring. Two count. Cena hits #3 and the 5Ks. He goes for the AA but
Barrett kicks out and hits Winds of Change for a close fall. He puts
Cena on the buckle. Cena goes for the Tornado DDT but Barrett lands on
his feet and hits a suplex. Two count. Barrett hits a high kick. Two
count. The two men get up and exchange BOO/YAY shots because it’s been
SEVEN WHOLE GRUELING MINUTES. Barrett hits the AA and NEARLY gets a
fall. He sets up the Bullhammer but Cena catches him and hits an AA —
but only gets two. Cena goes for another AA but Barrett breaks and hits a
Bullhammer and nearly gets a fall. Barrett tries another but misses and
eats a Springboard Stunner and AA for the loss at 9:39.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: John Cena via AA
RATING: **. Once again, nobody believes Cena is gonna lose any of these matches. And, now, Barrett loses. In England. So, what makes us think anyone will beat Cena for the next few weeks?
Post-match,
Lana comes out to say shit to Cena. Rusev attacks Cena, knocking him
out, and the match at Extreme Rules will now be a “Russian Chain Match”
which is Russian for “No-DQ with a chain”, I’m guessing.
TONIGHT: Randy Orton faces Cesaro while Dolph Ziggler jobs to faces Seth Rollins.
The Bella Twins are out for a match. We go to commercial.
NEXT WEEK: Triple H is gonna make a huge announcement about Tough Enough, a show nobody really cares about!
MATCH
#2: Alicia Fox, Naomi, Summer Rae, Emma, Rosa Mendes, Cameron, Natalya
& Paige in a Divas Battle Royal to determine the #1 Contender for
the WWE Divas Championship
Fuck,
this is actually happening. And the Bellas are on commentary. I thought
last week was a half-joke. Summer and Natalya are out first which makes
no sense as Summer outlasts her. Anyhow, she gets dumped along with
Rosa a few seconds later. Alicia fights with Summer and hits a lame
Enzuguri to boot Summer. Fox and Cameron beat up Paige and try to dump
her but Paige resists that. Naomi hits a Rear View on both women and
they’re gone, too. Paige tries to eliminate Naomi but Naomi blocks and
hits a high kick. Both end up near the ropes but Paige knees Naomi in
the face/boobs/stomach from the outside ropes, which makes so much sense in a match where you’re supposed to avoid that area. Paige eventually just kinda boots Naomi out of the ring at 3:55 to win this “Battle Royal” and we’re done.
WINNER: Paige
RATING: DUD. #StopPretendingWWEIsGivingDivasAChance
TONIGHT: Roman Reigns will talk about stuff for the first time since WrestleMania.
When
we come back from break, Paige is still in the ring. Byron “I Announced
RAW One Time” Saxton is with her. Paige is happy to have won in front
of her home audience. Naomi attacks her and, suddenly, she’s a heel. 
Bray Wyatt yacks about love and how fear is strong than love. 
MATCH #3: The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor) vs. Lucha Dragons (Sin Cara & Kalisto)
The
Ascension beat up on the hapless Sin Cara with tags back and forth. Sin
Cara tries to escape Viktor and eventually makes a tag because Viktor
and Konnor can’t keep Sin Cara in the corner. Kalisto comes in, does
flippy shit and hits Salina Del Sol on Viktor while Sin Cara does a
Flipping Reverse Senton to finish it at 2:17.
WINNER: Lucha Dragons
RATING: n/a – Squash
MATCH #4: Randy Orton vs. Cesaro (w/ Tyson Kidd & Natalya)
Orton
and Cesaro exchange headlocks after exchanging pedestrian moves. Cesaro
breaks. Orton nearly hits the Elevated DDT but Tyson interferes and
Orton wins at 2:25. Exciting, huh?
WINNER: Randy Orton via DQ
RATING: DUD. 
But hold on a second, player! Kane
appears, post-match, and says that The Authority isn’t here tonight,
ensuring that nobody’s gonna continue to tune in. He’s in charge and he
can’t end the last match in a DQ. This match will re-start as a 2 on 1
Handicap Match.
MATCH #5: Randy Orton vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) (non-title)
The
two guys beat up Orton and we go to break because this match is
pivotal, ya’ know? When we come back, Orton nearly hits a DDT but Tyson
hits a NECKBREAKER OUTTA NOWHERE for two. The two team up on Orton and
it’s a mean uppercut by Cesaro for Tyson for two. Tyson tags in but
finally eats Orton’s VINTAGE DDT. He goes for an RKO but Cesaro pulls
Tyson out of the ring. Orton chases them out of the ring but the two men
gang up on him and Tyson knees him in the face. Orton gets rolled back
into the ring. Tyson takes over after a two count. He tries a legdrop
and misses. Cesaro runs in and attacks but Orton hits a powerslam in
stride. Tyson flies at Orton from the top rope and he gets an RKO for
his troubles. Orton wins at 9:15.
WINNER: Randy Orton via RKO
RATING:
DUD. Why didn’t they do this in the first place? We saw all of four
minutes of this thing and it was disjointed and boring with two
interruptions.
NEXT: Reigns talks!
Booker
is running this interview, apparently. The London crowd hates him as
Booker demands to know about his mental state. Reigns says he’s cool. He
went to Suplex City, he felts it and survived it. He said he’d hit The
Beast in the mouth and he did that. He says he could have beaten
Brock if it wasn’t for Seth Rollins. He says that Big Show cost him a
re-match at Extreme Rules because he’s Seth’s “giant bitch”. Big Show
appears on the Jumbotron and says that Reigns is making excuses for his
failures and then says that he’ll knock Reigns out himself. Reigns says
he’s being threatened by “The Jumbotron” and he isn’t scared because
Show can’t even come out to the ring. He says Show has no balls and he
will be beaten.  Reigns leaves and goes to the entrance ramp —
and Show finally shows up to kick the crap out of him, tossing him into
the electric signage and into the car sitting on the ramp. The beating
takes forever as Show Chokeslams him on top of the car. Can’t wait to
see this at Extreme Rules. Yaaaaay.
Backstage,
Seth’s not happy because he’s Seth. He says that he isn’t facing
Ziggler tonight. He wants to face Jamie Noble and Noble will lie down.
Noble says that it’s not his fault that everything’s gone wrong. It’s
Kane’s. Rollins realizes that Noble’s onto something. Rollins tells Kane
that Kane will lay down for him tonight. He doesn’t disagree because
Kane only selectively has balls.
MATCH #6: Adam Rose (w/ Exotic Express) vs. Dean Ambrose
From
chasing the MITB contender to Bray Wyatt to United States title…to
Adam “I Haven’t Been Relevant in Weeks” Rose. Way to go, Creative.
Ambrose chops at Rose who comes back with a Spinebuster and quick
elbows. He drops a fist and locks in a headlock but Ambrose fights out.
Ambrose hits lariats and a bulldog, then goes top rope but Rose bails.
So Ambrose hits a Flying Psycho to the outside. Back in the ring,
Ambrose hits the Rebound Clothesline and Dirty Deeds for the win at
2:11.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: n/a – Squash
Kane
is backstage. Show finds him and asks if he remembers Survivor Series.
He says that Kane needs to do WHAT’S BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
MATCH #7: Fandango (w/ Rosa Mendes) vs. Stardust
Holy
shit, what a card. Stardust hits a falling reverse suplex but Fandango
comes back with a heel kick. Legdrop misses. Dust hits the Disaster Kick
for the win at 1:07. Yawn.
WINNER: Stardust
RATING: n/a – Squash — but it’s a DUD, no matter what.
Post-match,
Fandango actually gets a mic spot. He says he realizes what the problem
is. He’s been sharing his “gift of dance with Rosa” when he should have
been sharing it with everyone else. Then his old music hits. Everyone
does the Fandango.
Kane
is STILL BACKSTAGE. Daniel Bryan shows up. Kane asks him to go away.
Bryan asks what happened to Kane. He says that Kane shouldn’t lay down.
He needs to be a man. Kane yells LEAVE real loud. Daniel Bryan does.
Earlier
tonight. John Cena challenged people. #CENAWONLOL, surprise, surprise.
Rusev attacked him. So, at Extreme Rules, he’ll face Rusev in a Russian
Chain Match.
Seth Rollins is out for his match.
MATCH #8: WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury vs. Kane (non-title)
Kane
strips out of his jacket, shirt and tie for the first minute, then it’s
yacking with Rollins for the next 30 seconds. Kane goes to lay down.
Rollins comes over and pins and it’s a two count. J&J comes into the
ring. Kane grabs them by the throat and tosses them both out. Rollins
isn’t happy and Kane jacks his jaw. He sets up for a Chokeslam and
Rollins begs off with all the power he has in him and tells Rollins to
lay down. Kane gets on one knee…then gets up and hits a Chokeslam. He
starts to call for the Tombstone…but stops, lays down, and pulls
Rollins on top of him for the pin at 4:35.
WINNER: Seth Rollins
RATING: DUD.
So, now, both guys pick their “stipulations” for the match? Why didn’t they just have them fight one another?
Damien Miz-dow is walking backstage.
We get flashbacks from Miz-dow’s fight with Miz.
MATCH #9: The Miz vs. Damien Miz-dow (w/ Summer Rae)
Miz
takes half a minute to take his sunglasses off. Miz-dow does the same.
Then they take match time to remove their jackets. WHAT IS THIS, MAGIC
MIKE?! WRESTLE ALREADY. The two trade the same moves and Sandow rolls up Miz at just over 2:00.
WINNER: Damien Miz-dow
RATING: DUD. This is an awful fucking night.
The
Prime Time Players mock Los Matadores. WWE Creative supplies audio of
crickets chirping which is fitting since nobody in the arena responds
either.
MATCH #10: Ryback vs. Luke Harper
Scrum
in the corner and Harper kicks Ryback in the face — but only gets two,
which is surprising given the tonight’s booking. Harper hits a Gator
Roll which serves to “disorient opponents” according to Cole. Ryback
picks up Harper by the neck and drops him. He goes for a Meathook but
Harper ditches the ring. Ryback follows and Harper uses the announce
booth to clock him in the face — and we’re done?! Fuuuuuuck.
WINNER: Ryback via DQ at 1:47
RATING: DUD.
Ambrose comes out, post-match, and beats up Harper cuz’, ‘member? Ambrose got beat up by him.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Naomi beat up Paige.
Byron
is backstage with Naomi. She says she lost her cool, then laughs and
calls Byron an idiot. She says this whole thing is about her. Naomi
doesn’t even know why we had a Divas Battle Royal tonight. This is
surreal as fuck.
Dolph
is out here and criticizes Kane for laying down and calls him “The
Devil’s Favorite Dumbass”. Ziggler wants ANY SUPERSTAR IN THE BACK since
Seth has already done his thing tonight. Neville responds because who
wants a United States Title? 
MATCH #11: Dolph Ziggler vs. Neville
Neville
escapes an armbar and applies one on Ziggler. Neville flips around
after the break and hits a standing moonsault as the crowd finally
starts to wake up. Ziggler comes back with a quick DDT and gets two.
After commercial, Neville fights out of a headlock and tosses Ziggler up
into the air and to the mat. The two roll out of the ring. Neville hits
a flipping moonsault outside, then rolls back into the ring. He goes
back outside, walks along the edge of the crowd barrier and does a 450 Splash on top of Ziggler. Back in the ring, it’s a two count.
The two counter each other’s moves and Ziggler gets hit with an Enzuguri
for two. Ziggler comes back with a BIG Superkick and he gets two. Both
men get up. Ziggler tries an elbow but misses. Neville tries the Red
Arrow but Ziggler moves. Neville lands on his feet and lunches at
Ziggler. Ziggler sidesteps and Neville hits the post. Ziggler hits the
Zigg Zagg for the win at 9:08.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via Zigg Zagg
RATING:
**1/4. Not a bad match. Could have been longer and should have been the
main feature. But, the booking staff has their heads up their asses
tonight, so what can you do?
Post-match,
Sheamus comes in out of nowhere and hits a Brogue on Ziggler. Ziggler
comes back fighting, getting some nice licks in, but Sheamus hits
another Brogue and stands tall.
ON SMACKDOWN: Big Show WILL BE THERE!!!
NEXT: Randy and Seth make their match decisions!!!
Seth
and J&J hit the ring and sit back in nice sofa seats. Rollins says
that the crowd can boo him all they want but that doesn’t change the
fact that he is the future of WWE. He’s also the greatest because he
beat Reigns and Lesnar in the same night. He says that Kane has relieved
himself of his duties as Director of Operations and, now, Rollins can
make his stipulation. He invites Orton out.
Orton
shows up and tells Rollins that everything is being needlessly
complicated. He wants to clear out the chairs and he wants to fight
right now. Rollins says that he loves “complicated”. He has power and he
will wield it right now: the RKO is banned. Rollins tells him that The
Authority always wins. Orton says that he was thinking along the same
lines: his stipulation is fighting inside a steel cage “where nobody can
help Rollins”. You know, because that’s always worked.
Orton
says that’s that, then attacks Rollins and his stooges. Rollins escapes
but the stooges absorb Orton’s wrath and Orton stands tall as we go off
the air.
OVERALL:
1/2 a * tonight. This was a lazy, boring show with nothing going for it
except a so-so beginning and a decent end match.

Er, that’s it.