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BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE




It’s the fallout from BOD Mania! Who will be the NEW GM? We have a new BOD Heavyweight Champion, and what is his future? What will become of Abeyance after his bloody classic with Cultstatus?  And Biff Kensington III has promised a celebration in honor of his new tag team champions Curtzerker & the Money on the Table winner, Hoss! SOME OF THIS AND MORE TONIGHT, ON BOD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Live from Austin, TX

Folks, this is it as GM Bayless will be forced out of power. This is his last night in the GM role. The rest of his Administration is behind him as Assistant GM and Director of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray comes out looking sad. Rockstar Gary also comes out looking sad but Average Joe Everyman is too tanked to care. An angry GM grabs the mic, with the raucous crowd telling him to go fuck himself:

You kn…..(pauses until the taunts from the crowd lessen) AS I WAS ABOUT TO SAY, LAST NIGHT I BELIEVED IN BILL RAY AND LOOK WHERE THAT GOT ME!!! HELL, LOOK WHAT THAT GOT ALL OF US. IT COST US OUR JOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Fans applaud that, GM calms down a bit). And don’t you think anyone the “Big Man From Saskatoon” replaces me with is on my level. You all need me. I don’t think you deserve me to be honest but you damn well need me. Who knows what will happen now with me gone. 


However, this is my last night so I will damn sure make it count. However, with the BoD Touring Europe, Jef Vinson, Jobber, The Fuj, Kaptain Kiwi, Dancin’ Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112 and Kensington Enterprises are all not here tonight as they went over early for promotional work and some for an all expenses paid trip to a high class brothel in Amsterdam. AND ANYONE ELSE WHO THINKS THEY WILL GET ONE OVER ON ME, COME OUT NOW AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(The Administration now head backstage)






Lets see what took place the day after BoD Mania II:

In the conference room of the Trump International Hotel Las Vegas reporters are buzzing over the New Champions “State of BoD” address. The side doors open as Jef Vinson’s valet enters the room carrying the World championship belt. She walks up on the stage, sets the belt up on the podium, taps the mic and begins to speak:

Valet: “Paysans et des perdants, ce est mon plaisir de prĂ©senter VOTRE champion poids lourd du monde ….JEF VINSON!!!”

*Amid the dozens of reporters taking pictures and filming  the Champ takes the stage, kisses his valet on the cheek and brushes his hair before grabbing the mic*

Vinson: Cameramen, shoot me from THIS side. The first week of my reign has been not received with the respect I so richly deserve. There is an as*BEEP*le that has come out of the abyss to sully my good name.
Reporter: Thank GOD for the 2 second tape delay.
Vinson: Cultstatus, who are YOU to insult the embodiment of awesomeness that you see before you? You were NOTHING before you left to do…whatever the hell it was you went to go do; Now you come back and you think you are going to jump to the head of the line to get a title shot? Fu*BEE* outta here. Besides Abeyance just kicked your as*BEEP* at the PPV. You don’t lose and get a title matches. So after all that you think that you can pick a fight with ME and I’ll give you what you want? I did the Make a Wish thing already so I’m done giving retards what they want.


*Applause is heard from the crowd which throws Vinson off*
Vinson: You…you think you can come through here trying to steal my thunder but you fail to understand that the thunder is being held by Thor himself. Who the f*BEEP* are you to…
*Applause is heard in the crowd again cutting Vinson off mid-sentence*
Vinson: Who the FU*BEEP* is THIS?

*Cultstatus walks up the aisle applauding*

Cult: “Bravo, Jef. Bravo. You know, I remember when you were just some nobody trying fit in and nobody paid you any attention. Then you started flooding the board with gifs of chicks as*BEEP*. You found your niche. Granted it has no substance but it’s something.
Vinson: Where the fu*BEEP* do YOU get off trying ruin my moment? You say I was a nobody THEN, but now I run the BoD. You weren’t sh*BEEP* THEN or NOW. 

Cult: Oh is cursing part of the gimmick too? That’s cute, Mr. wannabe MVP.

*Vinson jumps down from stage and approaches Cult. He tilts his sunglasses down and looks him up and down*

Cult: Look I understand that you are the Champ and I just want a title shot. So stop with this act and let’s do this at the next PPV.
Vinson: Why should I give YOU a title match? Have you done anything since you’ve been back?
Cult: I shouldn’t have to. My name is known.
Vinson: So now YOU’RE the one with the act. You’re living off that tired gimmick you did in the past. No one knows or cares who you are. Go to the back of the line to dark matches and work your way up. A year from now you can have a shot….and I WILL be Champ a year from now.

Cult *chuckling*

Vinson: What the fu*BEEP* is so funny?
Cultstatus: You. This…this act is funny. It’s hard to take you serious when you act like this.

*Vinson composes himself…then sucker punches Cult*

Vinson: Do you take me serious now?

*Cult jumps on Vinson and a brawl erupts in a sea of reporters. Security finally pulls them apart…*

*Vinson Goes back to the stage and grabs mic*  

VInson: CULT, I’M GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN, MOTHERFU*BEEP*!!….BUT IT WON’T BE IN A TITLE MATCH. YOU GET…NOTHING!! NOW TURN THOSE CAMERAS OFF!! TURN ‘EM OFF YOU SON OF A BI…

***PLEASE STAND BY***







Backstage, DBSM is chilling with his C-List Posse. Lets see what they have to say:

DBSM: At BoD Mania II, I retained the C-List Title. And this week I won the BoD Fantasy Basketball League and I’m just five days away from possibly winning the BoD Fantasy Hockey League. And just last night, I set the daily record in Skee Ball at Dave and Busters. Look at all of these!!!!! (holds up his hands that are filled with an obscene amount of tickets)
Harvey Grant: Hey DBSM, tell us how well you finished in the BoD March Madness Pool, LOL
DBSM: About as good as you did in FT% during the 95-96 season. 
Harvey: Hey man, that was harsh
Waldo from Family Matters: C’mon guys, lets chill
Michael Winslow: (Makes sound effects that would suggest a peace offering. 
(Both Guys shake hands then Biscuit walks by)
Mark Linn Baker: Hey look, its Lord Regal (Rest of the Posse laughs)
Biscuit: (Holding a hot dog he got at a gas station a few hours ago) What did you say?
Baker: (petrified) I didnt say anything.
DBSM: (walks up to Biscuit) Look pal, you had your chance and lost. I cannot be responsible for the actions of Camp Cleveland. I was busy making plans for an Uber to take me to Tina Yothers after party and to take Nicole Eggrt upstairs, two places you will never go. Now, get out of our way as we have plans. (they leave as Biscuit scowls angrily then bites into his hot dog). 






Burt Macklin is in the ring but GM Bayless comes back out. Lets see what he has to say: 

“Last week we had a poll to let the BoD Universe select the new name for the Paul Meekin & Caliber Winfield team. Lets see the results: 


Team The Meek Buff…………………………….0%
Fat Otters………………………………………..100%
Heatseekers…………………………………………0%


Well, that was easy. And Burt, you might be wondering what you have to do with this. See, before your partner decided to sit in the bleachers with a stent in his cock while whacked out on Oxycontin, you had a match against the Fat Otters. And since he is gone tonight, you have a match against the Fat Otters.  AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF ITS NOT FAIR EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






Burt Macklin vs. Fat Otters


Oh man, the Mack Attack has his hands full with these two heavyweights. Match starts with Macklin holding his own but then falls victim to the numbers game. Meek holds up Burt for Caliber but he escapes as the Fat Otters collide!!!!!!!! Burt rolls up Caliber for two then stomps away. He catches Meekin with a drop toehold. Macklin braves it out against these two and tries to slam Caliber but Meekin pushes Caliber, who lands on top of Macklin. Meekin then picks up Burt for the Otter Dropper. Caliber picks up Burt for the torture rack then drops him as Meekin then hits the Earthquake Splash for the win as Caliber sets up the tripod for various flex poses. 

Backstage, GM Bayless and the Administration are walking backstage when the GM runs into The Brazilian Psycho. The GM is pissed: 

GM: What is your fucking problem! (looks at a box) Hey, if you have a problem with your UNICEF relief package then complain to someone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TBP: I dont need any relief and I dont need to cheat to win, either. 
GM: Dont get cute with me you little shit!!!!!!!
TBP: If you had any balls you would challenge me to a match tonight. You only beat me after a cheapshot. 
GM (Taken aback) Oh, I’m sorry. I am suppose to challenge midcard commoners like yourself? I have bigger things to worry about. 
TBP: So you dont have the balls?
GM: (laughs) You know what, you have your match. (Pushes TBP in the chest, who stares at the GM as he walks away. 

Matt Indeed and Mar Solo are heading to the ring! Mar Solo is shaking like a leaf, having set a record for the shortest tenure of employment at the local Starbucks yesterday, lasting a mere 48 minutes before being made to leave due to excessive over-consumption of the product. He’s slept exactly 26 minutes since Thursday and has stabbed at least 3 homeless midgets according to the dirtsheets, his defense being that they were barista policemen, whatever the hell that is. Matt has the mic, but before he can get a word out, Cultstatus STORMS into the ring, and Cult is PISSED. Double clothesline! F-5 to Matt! Jackknife Powerbomb to Mar Solo! Alone in the ring, Cult’s got the STICK~! 

“Last year, I was winning the World Title in the main event of BOD Mania. This year, I got hit in the balls 10 times by a wannabe failed-talk show host. I ain’t leaving until Abeyance gets out here for the beating he deserves!”

Cult is stalking around the ring like a caged animal. What’s that music? OH MY GOD, it’s “The Catalyst” Chad Bryant!!!! Get back in the ring before you fuck up another snapmare. Never mind….too late. He’s heading to the ring, and he’s got a mic on the way. 


“Listen up, Cult! This ain’t your ring….it ain’t a ring for anyone who jobs to Abeyance! So, why don’t you get out before you get hurt, my friend.” 

Oh, Chad. He rolls into the ring and gets in Cult’s face….Cult with the BIG RIGHT! The Catalyst is staggered, and Cult gets him up….JACKKNIFE POWERBOMB!! OH MY GOD!! The Catalyst rolls out of the ring, possibly dead and most assuredly injured, and it doesn’t look like Cult is going anywhere! 

Finally, the BOD Tron flickers to life, and here’s Abeyance! 

“At BOD Mania, I overcame all the odds and defeated my long-time nemesis, Cultstatus, in the middle of that ring, 1,2,3! It was the proudest moment of my career, but even more importantly, it was the proudest moment that my fans will ever have! They were able to see that hard work, fair play, and…..” Abeyance points to his noggin as the crowd boos “…..being just plain smarter is what makes you a winner! Now, negotiations with our current World Heavyweight Champion, that fine gentleman Jeff Vinson, have begun, so while I’m sure that Cult has things that he wants, the fact is that I have to save myself for what is sure to be a classic title match with our world heavyweight champion; it’s the least I can do for all of my great fans!” (He poses indicating the post-Mania BOD crowd, and they boo again, and then break into a chant of “CRZ!, CRZ!, CRZ!, CRZ!”)

Cultstatus has been watching the tron with barely concealed rage, and he can’t take anymore. 

“Alright, Abeyance, you little pussy. (If I have to drag you out here myself, that’s what I’ll do!” He drops the mic and heads towards the back!)

In the parking lot, Zanatude walks up to Murph and Chatrock. “Dudes!” A high five is missed due to Zanatude trying to hold all three belts at the same time and Murph being doped up on Sudafed; it results in Chatrock getting slapped in the face. After helping Chatrock into a sitting position by himself, as Murph has fallen down in gales of laughter, Zanatude gets a serious expression on his face. “Dudes. Time to end this thing with Cabs and Curry and the other guy.” “Warne?” asks Chatrock. “Whatever. I’m bad with names when I’m as think as I drunk as I…..what were we talking about again? Oh, yeah. Time to put some prestige back in the six-man titles by wrestling in the most dangerous match of them all.” “Barbed wire?” wonders Murph. “Steel Cage?” wonders Chatrock. Zanatude shakes his head ominously. “Get in the car. We’re going.” “Going where, ‘tude?” asks Murph. The camera focuses on Zanatude’s face:

“We’re going to the White Castle….OF FEAR!” Ominous music! Chatrock and Murph gasp in horror! The camera lingers in silence for a few moments, until Murph speaks up: “Shotgun!”

Meanwhile, in the back, Cultstatus is still stalking Abeyance! Dean Andrews is grabbing some catering. “You seen Abeyance?” Andrews: “Naw, man! Good luck, though!” He pats Cult on the back, and I’m not sure that was a good plan; nope. Cult CHOKESLAMS DEAN ANDREWS THROUGH THE TABLE! A moment of silence for the individual mini-boxes of cereal that have now been lost underneath the remains of the BOD’s resident Englishman and Cult moves on. 

It’s time for the 1st first-round match in our tournament to determine a NEW number one contender for the BOD Solid B+ Player’s championship! 

BoD Solid B+ Player #1 Contender Tournament Match
Joedust vs PrimeTime Ten
Mister E Mahn, World Renowned Timekeeper, stares down PTT and the trophies he has stolen from him. Feeling out process to start. PTT goes to a wristlock, quickly countered by Joedust, snapmare by PTT! He grabs an armbar, but Joe is ready and counters into an armbar of his own! Crowd: “411 SUCKS! 411 SUCKS!” PTT slams the mat in frustration as we’ve reached a stalemate. They look to lock up again, but PTT gets the advantage by kicking Joe in the gut, and sending him to the corner. Shoulder to the gut of Joe, another. PTT brings him out of the corner and gets a very nice delayed suplex. 1,2, no! PTT drops an elbow on Joe’s knee and wraps it up in a cloverleaf position, but Joe makes the ropes. PTT goes back to the knee again with kicks, then a knee crusher. This is becoming a surgical dissection as Joe can barely stand. PTT puts Joe in the corner, drapes the leg on the second rope, and dropkicks it. Again! Joe can’t put any weight on that leg, and PTT knows it. He grabs the leg like it’s his lunch and….dragon-screw leg whip! 1,2, NO! PTT is frustrated again! He tries to get Joe to his feet for another dragon-screw, but this time it’s joe with the enzuigiri! Separation created, Joe buys himself some time. Joe’s trying to walk it off, but that leg is hurting. PTT is getting back to his feet, but Joe hobbles towards him and hits a nice lariat! Unfortunately, with no leg, it only gets a 2 count and both men are down. Joe tries to get PTT up, and he sends him into the corner. He tries to follow him in, but Cresto stops him by just kicking him in the knee, and that might do it, as Joe goes down in pain. PTT taunts the crowd then turns his attention to Mister E Mahn, who gets up and walks over as PTT screams about being the Pride of Canada. Mister E Mahn sarcastically claps as PTT is confused then Joe gets up and surprises PTT with a reverse rollup for the win!!!!!!! PTT cannot believe what has happened as Mister E Mahn starts to laugh. 

Backstage, GM Bayless is in his office with Justice Gray: 

GM: Look at all of this shit (pulls paper out of boxes) A 97 paragraph explanation from Worst in the World of how incorrectly I am booking his career or this, the “Aardvark Man” gimmick we had for that random midcard guy. How the hell can the next guy replace me?
Gray: Well, I heard who it is going to be. 
GM: Are you waiting for a certified letter or something, say it!!!!!!!!
(Baker comes into his office to interrupt)
Baker: Do you have a car battery and some zipties?
GM: Why the fuck would I have that? Jesus Christ, what did I say about rape? NO RAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Camp Cleveland are hanging out backstage:

White Thunder: So, I just found out that only one of us gets to enter the B+ number one contender’s tournament, and we have to decide who by next week. How do we figure out who gets the spot? 
WWF 1987: (wonders) Well, White Thunder says, we should go with the guy who has the best chance to win. Leaves me out.  
Mikey Mike says, I’ve never won anything. I’m from Cleveland. I am also from Cleveland, points out WWF 1987, so I’m out too, I guess.
White Thunder looks discouraged. Guys, that can’t be the only criterion we use to figure this out. I think either one of you guys would be fine representative for Camp Cleveland in this tournament! You’re selling yourselves too short! What about you?
Mike: Yeah, White Thunder, you should do it! 
White Thunder: Guys, I can’t do it. I’m from Cleveland, for God’s sake. 
MORE NEXT WEEK!

Justice Gray is walking when Rockstar Gary walks up to him. “What’s up, Justice?” “I don’t know, man. Feels weird with having Bayless’ shoes to shine. I feel like I need some direction somewhere, you know?” “I get it, man, I miss him too. But what can we do?” Justice ponders for a moment, and he gets an idea. “What if we WRESTLED in the BOD?” Gary thinks for a second, and says “That sounds great, but let’s face it, we need a new trainer, because Bayless wasn’t all that great at training us.” “I agree, but who would do it? Half the locker room hates us, and that includes all the good wrestlers.” What is that the crowd is chanting…..oh, it’s “KEITH IS FAT! KEITH IS FAT!” But what does that have to do with this segment? Does that matter? THIS CROWD IS EXPRESSING THEMSELVES! Back to Rockstar Gary, who may have a solution to the problem. “I may have a solution to the problem!” Justice: “Lay it on me, man!” Gary: “Well, I have to ask a question, Gray. Have you seen Baker?” Gray: “Since BOD Mania? Yeah, I saw him tonight. He was outside with that petition he’s started to try to make it legal to commit prison-style rape if the victim’s first name is ‘Brock’ and his last name is ‘Lesnar.’ I think he’s calling it the lazy fuckwad just desserts law. So far, only signature he’s got is Marc Mero. Why?” Gary: “Get him for me.” Gary grins. “I think we’ve got ourselves a trainer.”

From an undisclosed location in Riverdale, Robert Davis is standing by! He is alone with Jughead, a dry erase board, and a smile on his face. He takes a marker and writes on the board: ‘THE RIVERDALE COVENANT RETURNS TO BOD RAW NEXT WEEK’. Archie Stackhouse’s face flashes briefly on the screen before we cut to black! 

BoD Solid B+ Player #1 Contender Tournament Match
Bill Ray vs kbjone 
Bill Ray, the lone wolf of the BOD, enters the ring with his trusty baseball bat in hand. Kbjone, formerly of the Upper Midcard Express, is already waiting on him. And here we go! Lockup, and Bill Ray goes to a standing-side headlock. Kbjone shoots him off, and here’s Bill Ray with the shoulderblock! Criss-cross, and a dropkick by Kbjone puts him down on the mat! Crowd: “SCOTSMAN RULES! SCOTSMAN RULES!” THAT’S ANOTHER WRITER! THIS CROWD IS EDGY! Meanwhile, in the ring, kbjone has taken it down to the mat and is working the cross-armbar. Bill Ray fights up to his feet, and whips kbjone into the buckle. Blind charge and kbjone flips over him, but Bill Ray comes back with a VICIOUS back elbow! 1,2, no! Bill Ray drops an elbow! A second elbow! A third! Ray picks him up and here’s an Irish whip into the ropes, kbjone with the leapfrog but he gets caught with a Bill Ray superkick coming back! He falls out of the ring to the floor, and the referee begins his count. He starts to come to, and Bill Ray looks to go out after him, but the referee holds him back. Kbjone is back to the apron…..but from the crowd, it’s former partner John Petuka! PETUKA BAZOOKA ON THE FLOOR! He picks up the now barely-conscious kbjone, throws him back in the ring, and exits back through the crowd, as Bill Ray looks confused, but shrugs, drops another elbow, and the pin is academic. 1,2,3, and Bill Ray is the first man to advance in the tournament! Petuka smiles from the crowd with a job well done. 

Folks, Stranger in the Alps is now standing in the ring holding the BoD Writer’s Championship

“I sat in my log cabin for months, pondering my future. I was embarassed when I lost this title, and it made me seriously consider hanging it up. Meanwhile, Matt Perri and Danielle were making a mockery of everything I had built. The BoD Writer’s Division was a shambles. Nobody could break that glass ceiling. I saw what was going on, and something needed to be done, but I thought that I couldn’t be the one to do something. Laughing Sting, that crazy son of a gun, gave me a letter from a kid named Mr. Satan Jr. That kid told me that I was his favorite BoD Superstar, and that I needed to come back and beat Matt Perri. To Mr. Statan Jr, I want to say thank you for believing in me, and tell your old man to let you out of your cage. 

I’ve done all I can do here at the BoD. I did what I said I was going to do. Now, it’s time for someone to take the mantle. We need a new representative in the Writer’s Division. I’m relinquishing the title, and I’m retiring. I’m going out on my terms and not someone else’s. I’m happy. Plus, I’m really tired of trying to stay in shape and I need that pulled pork pizza every day.

THANK YOU, BoD UNIVERSE!!”

*Leave the Memories Alone plays. Laughing Sting shoots down from the rafters and hugs Stranger. The BoD locker room spills out and carries Stranger out on their shoulders, while Stranger blows kisses to the crowd*

Cultstatus has finally reached the parking lot, and here’s Beard Money to try to talk some sense into him. “Cult, man, don’t be stu-” Cult tosses Beard Money through a nearby car windshield! Off in the distance, we hear a horn honking….it’s Abeyance! And he’s speeding away while waving at Cult, who SLAMS his fists into the hood of a nearby car! When will Cultstatus get his hands on the man that attempted testicular murder?

GM Bayless vs. The Brazilian Psycho


The GM is not happy as TBP is looking to prove himself as a worthy contender. Bayless starts the match by grounding TBP. He works him over but the TBP escapes and takes down the soon to be former GM. Bayless then gauges the eyes of TBP and aggressively stomps him in the corner. He is pissed off tonight, folks. TBP struggles to get up as the GM hits a Tiger Suplex for a nearfall. The GM tosses TBP outside then hits a running clothesline off of the apron. He rolls TBP back inside and slows things down with a chinlock as the crowd chants “You’re getting fired!!” over and over again. The GM yells at them to shut the fuck up and enjoy reading about 1996 WCW as he now works a single leg crab. The GM gets up top and leaps but TBP catches him with a punch to the gut. TBP hits a backbreaker and gets two. Springboard swinging DDT gets two. TBP whips the GM into the ropes and hits a rolling clothesline for two. TBP is feeling it tonight. He tries a corner splash but the GM comes back with a forearm smash. The GM now hits a superplex then stars slapping TBP across the face. The GM sets up for the Sweet Chin Music after taunting the crowd. He goes for the kick but TBP blocks it low then grabs a small package one, two, ……………..THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The TBP did it, he beat the GM. Bayless is beside himself as he starts swearing and kicking the ropes. Justice Gray enters the ring with a microphone as Bayless wants to know who is the new GM: 

Gray: Bayless, I have been informed that I will keep my job, along with the rest of the Administration. 
Bayless: Well, WHAT ABOUT ME, GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gray: The Big Man From Saskatoon has told me that we are needed to help the new GM transition into his role.
Bayless: And who is the new GM?
Gray (gulps) Its someone you know
Bayless: Who? 
Gray: Its your cousin, Bobby Bayless
Bayless: (floored) My cousin Bobby………………………………THE SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT FAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Puts his hands in his face)
Gray: That’s not all. You have a job………………as my assistant
Bayless: WHAT THE…………


TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!