This has nothing to do with the WWE
Folks, this is it as GM Bayless will be forced out of power. This is his last night in the GM role. The rest of his Administration is behind him as Assistant GM and Director of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray comes out looking sad. Rockstar Gary also comes out looking sad but Average Joe Everyman is too tanked to care. An angry GM grabs the mic, with the raucous crowd telling him to go fuck himself:
“You kn…..(pauses until the taunts from the crowd lessen) AS I WAS ABOUT TO SAY, LAST NIGHT I BELIEVED IN BILL RAY AND LOOK WHERE THAT GOT ME!!! HELL, LOOK WHAT THAT GOT ALL OF US. IT COST US OUR JOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Fans applaud that, GM calms down a bit). And don’t you think anyone the “Big Man From Saskatoon” replaces me with is on my level. You all need me. I don’t think you deserve me to be honest but you damn well need me. Who knows what will happen now with me gone.
However, this is my last night so I will damn sure make it count. However, with the BoD Touring Europe, Jef Vinson, Jobber, The Fuj, Kaptain Kiwi, Dancin’ Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112 and Kensington Enterprises are all not here tonight as they went over early for promotional work and some for an all expenses paid trip to a high class brothel in Amsterdam. AND ANYONE ELSE WHO THINKS THEY WILL GET ONE OVER ON ME, COME OUT NOW AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(The Administration now head backstage)
Lets see what took place the day after BoD Mania II:
Valet: “Paysans et des perdants, ce est mon plaisir de présenter VOTRE champion poids lourd du monde ….JEF VINSON!!!”
*Applause is heard from the crowd which throws Vinson off*
*Cultstatus walks up the aisle applauding*
Backstage, DBSM is chilling with his C-List Posse. Lets see what they have to say:
DBSM: At BoD Mania II, I retained the C-List Title. And this week I won the BoD Fantasy Basketball League and I’m just five days away from possibly winning the BoD Fantasy Hockey League. And just last night, I set the daily record in Skee Ball at Dave and Busters. Look at all of these!!!!! (holds up his hands that are filled with an obscene amount of tickets)
Harvey Grant: Hey DBSM, tell us how well you finished in the BoD March Madness Pool, LOL
DBSM: About as good as you did in FT% during the 95-96 season.
Harvey: Hey man, that was harsh
Waldo from Family Matters: C’mon guys, lets chill
Michael Winslow: (Makes sound effects that would suggest a peace offering.
(Both Guys shake hands then Biscuit walks by)
Mark Linn Baker: Hey look, its Lord Regal (Rest of the Posse laughs)
Biscuit: (Holding a hot dog he got at a gas station a few hours ago) What did you say?
Baker: (petrified) I didnt say anything.
DBSM: (walks up to Biscuit) Look pal, you had your chance and lost. I cannot be responsible for the actions of Camp Cleveland. I was busy making plans for an Uber to take me to Tina Yothers after party and to take Nicole Eggrt upstairs, two places you will never go. Now, get out of our way as we have plans. (they leave as Biscuit scowls angrily then bites into his hot dog).
Burt Macklin is in the ring but GM Bayless comes back out. Lets see what he has to say:
“Last week we had a poll to let the BoD Universe select the new name for the Paul Meekin & Caliber Winfield team. Lets see the results:
Team The Meek Buff…………………………….0%
Well, that was easy. And Burt, you might be wondering what you have to do with this. See, before your partner decided to sit in the bleachers with a stent in his cock while whacked out on Oxycontin, you had a match against the Fat Otters. And since he is gone tonight, you have a match against the Fat Otters. AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF ITS NOT FAIR EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Burt Macklin vs. Fat Otters
Oh man, the Mack Attack has his hands full with these two heavyweights. Match starts with Macklin holding his own but then falls victim to the numbers game. Meek holds up Burt for Caliber but he escapes as the Fat Otters collide!!!!!!!! Burt rolls up Caliber for two then stomps away. He catches Meekin with a drop toehold. Macklin braves it out against these two and tries to slam Caliber but Meekin pushes Caliber, who lands on top of Macklin. Meekin then picks up Burt for the Otter Dropper. Caliber picks up Burt for the torture rack then drops him as Meekin then hits the Earthquake Splash for the win as Caliber sets up the tripod for various flex poses.
Backstage, GM Bayless and the Administration are walking backstage when the GM runs into The Brazilian Psycho. The GM is pissed:
GM: What is your fucking problem! (looks at a box) Hey, if you have a problem with your UNICEF relief package then complain to someone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TBP: I dont need any relief and I dont need to cheat to win, either.
GM: Dont get cute with me you little shit!!!!!!!
TBP: If you had any balls you would challenge me to a match tonight. You only beat me after a cheapshot.
GM (Taken aback) Oh, I’m sorry. I am suppose to challenge midcard commoners like yourself? I have bigger things to worry about.
TBP: So you dont have the balls?
GM: (laughs) You know what, you have your match. (Pushes TBP in the chest, who stares at the GM as he walks away.
Matt Indeed and Mar Solo are heading to the ring! Mar Solo is shaking like a leaf, having set a record for the shortest tenure of employment at the local Starbucks yesterday, lasting a mere 48 minutes before being made to leave due to excessive over-consumption of the product. He’s slept exactly 26 minutes since Thursday and has stabbed at least 3 homeless midgets according to the dirtsheets, his defense being that they were barista policemen, whatever the hell that is. Matt has the mic, but before he can get a word out, Cultstatus STORMS into the ring, and Cult is PISSED. Double clothesline! F-5 to Matt! Jackknife Powerbomb to Mar Solo! Alone in the ring, Cult’s got the STICK~!
“Last year, I was winning the World Title in the main event of BOD Mania. This year, I got hit in the balls 10 times by a wannabe failed-talk show host. I ain’t leaving until Abeyance gets out here for the beating he deserves!”
“Listen up, Cult! This ain’t your ring….it ain’t a ring for anyone who jobs to Abeyance! So, why don’t you get out before you get hurt, my friend.”
Oh, Chad. He rolls into the ring and gets in Cult’s face….Cult with the BIG RIGHT! The Catalyst is staggered, and Cult gets him up….JACKKNIFE POWERBOMB!! OH MY GOD!! The Catalyst rolls out of the ring, possibly dead and most assuredly injured, and it doesn’t look like Cult is going anywhere!
“At BOD Mania, I overcame all the odds and defeated my long-time nemesis, Cultstatus, in the middle of that ring, 1,2,3! It was the proudest moment of my career, but even more importantly, it was the proudest moment that my fans will ever have! They were able to see that hard work, fair play, and…..” Abeyance points to his noggin as the crowd boos “…..being just plain smarter is what makes you a winner! Now, negotiations with our current World Heavyweight Champion, that fine gentleman Jeff Vinson, have begun, so while I’m sure that Cult has things that he wants, the fact is that I have to save myself for what is sure to be a classic title match with our world heavyweight champion; it’s the least I can do for all of my great fans!” (He poses indicating the post-Mania BOD crowd, and they boo again, and then break into a chant of “CRZ!, CRZ!, CRZ!, CRZ!”)
“Alright, Abeyance, you little pussy. (If I have to drag you out here myself, that’s what I’ll do!” He drops the mic and heads towards the back!)
In the parking lot, Zanatude walks up to Murph and Chatrock. “Dudes!” A high five is missed due to Zanatude trying to hold all three belts at the same time and Murph being doped up on Sudafed; it results in Chatrock getting slapped in the face. After helping Chatrock into a sitting position by himself, as Murph has fallen down in gales of laughter, Zanatude gets a serious expression on his face. “Dudes. Time to end this thing with Cabs and Curry and the other guy.” “Warne?” asks Chatrock. “Whatever. I’m bad with names when I’m as think as I drunk as I…..what were we talking about again? Oh, yeah. Time to put some prestige back in the six-man titles by wrestling in the most dangerous match of them all.” “Barbed wire?” wonders Murph. “Steel Cage?” wonders Chatrock. Zanatude shakes his head ominously. “Get in the car. We’re going.” “Going where, ‘tude?” asks Murph. The camera focuses on Zanatude’s face:
Meanwhile, in the back, Cultstatus is still stalking Abeyance! Dean Andrews is grabbing some catering. “You seen Abeyance?” Andrews: “Naw, man! Good luck, though!” He pats Cult on the back, and I’m not sure that was a good plan; nope. Cult CHOKESLAMS DEAN ANDREWS THROUGH THE TABLE! A moment of silence for the individual mini-boxes of cereal that have now been lost underneath the remains of the BOD’s resident Englishman and Cult moves on.
It’s time for the 1st first-round match in our tournament to determine a NEW number one contender for the BOD Solid B+ Player’s championship!
Joedust vs PrimeTime Ten
Backstage, GM Bayless is in his office with Justice Gray:
GM: Look at all of this shit (pulls paper out of boxes) A 97 paragraph explanation from Worst in the World of how incorrectly I am booking his career or this, the “Aardvark Man” gimmick we had for that random midcard guy. How the hell can the next guy replace me?
Gray: Well, I heard who it is going to be.
GM: Are you waiting for a certified letter or something, say it!!!!!!!!
(Baker comes into his office to interrupt)
Baker: Do you have a car battery and some zipties?
GM: Why the fuck would I have that? Jesus Christ, what did I say about rape? NO RAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Camp Cleveland are hanging out backstage:
White Thunder: So, I just found out that only one of us gets to enter the B+ number one contender’s tournament, and we have to decide who by next week. How do we figure out who gets the spot?
WWF 1987: (wonders) Well, White Thunder says, we should go with the guy who has the best chance to win. Leaves me out.
Mikey Mike says, I’ve never won anything. I’m from Cleveland. I am also from Cleveland, points out WWF 1987, so I’m out too, I guess.
White Thunder looks discouraged. Guys, that can’t be the only criterion we use to figure this out. I think either one of you guys would be fine representative for Camp Cleveland in this tournament! You’re selling yourselves too short! What about you?
Mike: Yeah, White Thunder, you should do it!
White Thunder: Guys, I can’t do it. I’m from Cleveland, for God’s sake.
MORE NEXT WEEK!
Justice Gray is walking when Rockstar Gary walks up to him. “What’s up, Justice?” “I don’t know, man. Feels weird with having Bayless’ shoes to shine. I feel like I need some direction somewhere, you know?” “I get it, man, I miss him too. But what can we do?” Justice ponders for a moment, and he gets an idea. “What if we WRESTLED in the BOD?” Gary thinks for a second, and says “That sounds great, but let’s face it, we need a new trainer, because Bayless wasn’t all that great at training us.” “I agree, but who would do it? Half the locker room hates us, and that includes all the good wrestlers.” What is that the crowd is chanting…..oh, it’s “KEITH IS FAT! KEITH IS FAT!” But what does that have to do with this segment? Does that matter? THIS CROWD IS EXPRESSING THEMSELVES! Back to Rockstar Gary, who may have a solution to the problem. “I may have a solution to the problem!” Justice: “Lay it on me, man!” Gary: “Well, I have to ask a question, Gray. Have you seen Baker?” Gray: “Since BOD Mania? Yeah, I saw him tonight. He was outside with that petition he’s started to try to make it legal to commit prison-style rape if the victim’s first name is ‘Brock’ and his last name is ‘Lesnar.’ I think he’s calling it the lazy fuckwad just desserts law. So far, only signature he’s got is Marc Mero. Why?” Gary: “Get him for me.” Gary grins. “I think we’ve got ourselves a trainer.”
From an undisclosed location in Riverdale, Robert Davis is standing by! He is alone with Jughead, a dry erase board, and a smile on his face. He takes a marker and writes on the board: ‘THE RIVERDALE COVENANT RETURNS TO BOD RAW NEXT WEEK’. Archie Stackhouse’s face flashes briefly on the screen before we cut to black!
Bill Ray vs kbjone
Folks, Stranger in the Alps is now standing in the ring holding the BoD Writer’s Championship
Cultstatus has finally reached the parking lot, and here’s Beard Money to try to talk some sense into him. “Cult, man, don’t be stu-” Cult tosses Beard Money through a nearby car windshield! Off in the distance, we hear a horn honking….it’s Abeyance! And he’s speeding away while waving at Cult, who SLAMS his fists into the hood of a nearby car! When will Cultstatus get his hands on the man that attempted testicular murder?
GM Bayless vs. The Brazilian Psycho
The GM is not happy as TBP is looking to prove himself as a worthy contender. Bayless starts the match by grounding TBP. He works him over but the TBP escapes and takes down the soon to be former GM. Bayless then gauges the eyes of TBP and aggressively stomps him in the corner. He is pissed off tonight, folks. TBP struggles to get up as the GM hits a Tiger Suplex for a nearfall. The GM tosses TBP outside then hits a running clothesline off of the apron. He rolls TBP back inside and slows things down with a chinlock as the crowd chants “You’re getting fired!!” over and over again. The GM yells at them to shut the fuck up and enjoy reading about 1996 WCW as he now works a single leg crab. The GM gets up top and leaps but TBP catches him with a punch to the gut. TBP hits a backbreaker and gets two. Springboard swinging DDT gets two. TBP whips the GM into the ropes and hits a rolling clothesline for two. TBP is feeling it tonight. He tries a corner splash but the GM comes back with a forearm smash. The GM now hits a superplex then stars slapping TBP across the face. The GM sets up for the Sweet Chin Music after taunting the crowd. He goes for the kick but TBP blocks it low then grabs a small package one, two, ……………..THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The TBP did it, he beat the GM. Bayless is beside himself as he starts swearing and kicking the ropes. Justice Gray enters the ring with a microphone as Bayless wants to know who is the new GM:
Gray: Bayless, I have been informed that I will keep my job, along with the rest of the Administration.
Bayless: Well, WHAT ABOUT ME, GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gray: The Big Man From Saskatoon has told me that we are needed to help the new GM transition into his role.
Bayless: And who is the new GM?
Gray (gulps) Its someone you know
Gray: Its your cousin, Bobby Bayless
Bayless: (floored) My cousin Bobby………………………………THE SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT FAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Puts his hands in his face)
Gray: That’s not all. You have a job………………as my assistant
Bayless: WHAT THE…………
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!