Matt’s Monday Night RAW Recap – 3/2/2015

The main event at WrestleMania is still Roman
Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar. Rumors are flying that Lesnar’s unhappy with
his current contract and that he’s considering a UFC comeback and that
he may not even show up at WrestleMania.

Even if Creative had a “plan B” to fix that, that doesn’t make me feel any better.
We should have had an incredible WrestleMania in Santa Clara.
And look what we ended up with:
  • Daniel Bryan returning to WWE…and he’s buried in placed in mid-card hell. 
  • Ambrose is a comedy jokester, rubbing elbows with R-Truth. 
  • Bad News Barrett becomes IC Champion and loses all the fucking time, so why not put him in a Ladder Match so he can job to the rest of the dressing room all at once?
  • John Cena vs. Rusev where we’re all supposed to believe that Cena’s gonna win the United States Championship.
  • The Undertaker, held together with string and tape, to…do what again? The Streak’s over. Where’s the velocity?
  • Balding Sting vs. Slighty More Agile Scott Steiner
  • Rollins vs. Orton? Good idea. Just kidding, let’s have him feud against Jon Stewart from The Daily Show.
  • Something
    involving Kane and Big Show and J&J Security which has lead me to
    believe that they all have some serious shit on Vince.
  • Miz-dow/Miz, a feud that turns to dust if sunlight hits it.
  • And speaking of boring feuds involving the word “Dust”…

None of this is gonna get any better. I want to hold out some hope but we all know it isn’t gonna be fixed.

Let’s blindly stumble along, shall we?

We are LIVE(!!!) from Newark, New Jersey!!!

Cole, Booker and JBL are the guys still employed to announce this shit.

Seth
Rollins starts us off as we’re reminded that he’s in a feud with a dude
who’s retiring from a completely different show that has nothing to do
with wrestling. Apparently, Rollins invited him to RAW, so our prayers
for WrestleMania have finally been answered. Rollins says Stewart’s on
his way from a movie shoot. Rollins tells him to turn around and go
home. This whole thing gets worse when Rollins reminds us that he’s
holding the MITB case. He yells until Roman Reigns’s music hits to some
heel heat.

Crowd is TNA soft right now as Reigns looks
smug as shit. Reigns says he wanted to come out and hear the crowd yell
“YOU SUCK”. He tells Rollins to continue. Rollins says he can rap
better than Wiz Khalifa and out-eat Mark Henry and he can out-wrestle
Reigns, which delights the crowd somewhat. He says he will be the next
WWE Champion. He says Reigns can’t beat Lesnar, but he can. Reigns says
that Rollins can’t beat Lesnar. He already had a shot and failed.
Rollins reminds him that he could beat the survivor at WrestleMania —
or even the next night on RAW. He can even do when the champ “least
expects it” because now it’s the Hardcore Title.

Reigns
slaps the taste out of his mouth. Rollins bails. J&J attack but eat
a Superman Punch and Spear. Reigns stands tall as promo times have been
cut in half!

TONIGHT:

  • The Daily Show with Seth Rollins
  • Divas Championship rematch: Nikki Bella vs. Paige

That’s right. Your main features on tonight’s show are talking and a Divas match.

Ambrose is on the way to the ring from backstage.

Meanwhile, Rollins’ jaw hurts because Reigns punched him real hard and Rollins “forgot what that was like”. Holy
fuckballs, I wish I was making that up. He blames Security for failing
him even though they constantly fuck up. PSEUDOVIPER Randy Orton shows
up and also blames J&J. He wants Rollins to ask Reigns to
fight so he can prove that he can “wrestle and talk like Jon Stewart”.
Or something.

Ambrose faces Barrett because Ambrose
stole the IC Title. So did R-Truth. Then he gave it back to Ambrose.
Also, R-Truth is going to WrestleMania. Also, 4,200 WrestleMania seats
are available on StubHub. That can’t be coincidence.

MATCH #1: WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose (non-title)
Ambrose
is all over Barrett in the corner and beats him while he’s on the mat.
Ambrose gets up and takes over but Ambrose hits a forearm on a counter
and a Bulldog. He tries to go off the top rope and Barrett yanks him to
the mat, then boots Ambrose outside and we go to a break. When we come
back, Barrett is beating on Ambrose, then turns his attention to Truth,
who he shoves. Ambrose attacks on the distraction, hitting a dive, then a
flying elbow off the mat on the other side. Meanwhile, Truth rips off
the IC title. Back in the ring, Ambrose chops away at Barrett but
Barrett comes back with Winds of Change. Suddenly, Luke Harper shows up.
And he wants the IC Title, too. He takes it and walks away. Barrett
sets up the Bullhammer in the ring but gets distracted by Harper. Dirty
Deeds by Ambrose and Barrett loses at around 9:39. Again.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: DUD.

Post-match, Ambrose blames Truth for the belt getting lost.

ON SMACKDOWN: Miz yelled at Miz-dow backstage because he was filming a penis pill ad without his permission.

And
then he does it again tonight on RAW. We even get the actual commercial
with Miz saying how small and soft his penis is, which is what I totally want to see on a three hour RAW show. Miz is enraged and slaps Miz-dow. Miz-dow is pissed…but backs down.

Bray
comes out to the entrance ramp and there’s an empty coffin with him. He
wants to know what’s left of The Undertaker. He says he made a coffin
for him. Because that’s what Bray does now: he makes coffins. Also, Bray
likes lighting shit on fire because it destroys like he does. He pours
gas on the coffin, then lights it on fire. Undertaker never shows up and
we go to commercial. We’re in the home stretch and we’re imagining a
feud.

WWE Network is number on online over everyone. Except porn. Chyna finally gets one up on Vince.

MATCH #2: Cesaro, Tyson Kidd, & Natalya vs. The Usos (Jimmy &Jey) & Naomi
Cole:
“This match is something to smile about!” Jey uppercuts the shit out
Tyson but gets taken out on a double team by Cesaro. Jey hits a quick
Samoan Drop and tries the Rikishi Splash. Cesaro tags Natalya and bails
from the ring. Naomi tags on and it’s a series of counters before Naomi
hits a Sunset Flip fro two. Natalya injures her leg on a jump spot off
the ropes and tags Tyson. Jimmy gets the tag on the other end. He
manhandles Tyson and punches Cesaro. The Uso’s try a double Rocker kick
but Tyson tags his wife who gets pinned by Naomi at 2:53.
WINNERS: Usos and Naomi
RATING: DUD.

Post-matchm Nattie yells at Tyson for tagging her in. Tyson hugs her and Nattie cries like a wimp into his shoulder. Awwww.

TONIGHT: Seth Rollins is gonna take on Roman Reigns to prove he can talk on a talk show!

NEXT: Cena announces his plans for WrestleMania, which he totally controls.

Sheamus is still returning, btw. Eventually.

Out pops John Cena. He
shows us clips from last week. He says the people are probably happy
that Rusev beat him at Fastlane. He says that those people shouldn’t
stay happy. He will overcome. Get back up, etc. Fans aren’t buying it.
He says that Rusev is a marked man who he will face later. But, right
now, he wants to go to WrestleMania. And he will do so by going to the
Andre the Giant Battle Royal.

That brings out
Stephanie McMahon and she’s not happy that Cena is just declaring his
candidacy for that battle royal. She says that Cena being in the battle
royal is an insult because Andre was an icon who once held her when she
was a little girl. Or something. None of this makes any sense. Cena says
his past credentials should get him in. Steph says nope because
Survivor Series. Cena calls her a bitch, which is certain to win her
over now. Steph says that Cena’s got an ego like Hogan, Hart, The Rock
and Austin. They all left and thought WWE would sink. She says it’s time
to find somebody who can beat Rusev.

Out comes Curtis
Axel who the crowd is behind for some reason. He kisses Steph’s ass and
says he deserves a spot at WrestleMania because he also met
Andre as a kid. Steph thanks Axel and says that Cena can prove himself
worthy by wrestling Axel. Or, alternatively, convince Rusev that he
deserves a re-match. Either one. To top off this shit sundae, Axel
imitates Hogan’s “whatcha gonna do” spiel and rips his shirt off. Why
don’t we bring back Juventud Guerrera as “The Juice”, also? I don’t
think we’ve hit the floor yet. Cena’s had it. He grabs the mic and tells
Axel to leave the ring. If Axel stays, he’s not walking out.

We get ready to go and then go right to a commercial.

MATCH #3: John Cena vs. Curtis Axel
Axel
plays to the crowd and imitates Hogan some more. Cena just glares. Axel
poses. And poses. And poses. And poses. And poses. And points. Cena
hits a clothesline. Axel Hulks up and points at the WM sign, then gets
AA’ed and STF’ed and Cena wins at 2:02.
WINNER: John Cena
RATING: DUD.

Post-match, Axel leaves the ring just like Cena said he wouldn’t do. But, whatever. Rusev also appears with Lana. They mock him. Answer’s STILL no. Russian flag. 20 minutes just to get that.

Cole
segues into Triple H vs. Sting. He got an interview from Arn Anderson
and Michael Hayes who say that Sting was the “first to enter and last to
leave”. Booker says Sting never came to WWE all these years because the
“door was always locked”.

Triple H comes to the ring
and it’s time to settle in for more talking. Triple H reminds us of what
he offered Sting last week. However, Sting spat it back in his face.
Triple H says everyone has theories on why Sting never came to WWE until
recently. That includes Booker T, who he invites into the ring. He asks
if Booker really believes what he said a few minutes ago.

Booker
says that he knows Sting. He would have locked him out, too. He says
that Sting cannot be controlled. Hogan couldn’t and neither could the
nWo or Eric Bischoff. Sting’s here in the WWE and Triple H has to deal
with that. Triple H hears what he’s saying. He thanks Booker, then fires
him. Happy Black History Month. Then he says he’s just kidding because
he’s the boss and that’s what he can do. And he will use that to beat
Sting.

TONIGHT:

  • Daily Show with Seth Rollins
  • Divas Match
  • Seth vs. Reigns

After break, Cole is depressed that Triple H didn’t fire Booker T. And holy shit, we’re back and there’s a wrestling match.

MATCH #4: Paige (challenger) vs. Nikki Bella (champion) (w/ Brie Bella) for the WWE Divas Championship
Paige
beats on Nikki and tries the PTO but Nikki breaks using the ropes. She
falls out of the ring and, REALLY?! A fucking commercial?! When we come
back, Nikki is in control because stuff happened on the WWE App. She
hits a Spinebuster on Paige and tries to follow with a body drop but
Paige kicks her and rushes her. They both clothesline each other and hit
the mat. Paige hits Short Arm Clotheslines and a dropkick. Two count.
Paige goes for a PTO but Brie hops up on the mat. Paige charges her,
knocks Nikki down and hits the PTO again. Brie interferes for the
pointless DQ spot at 6:37.
WINNER: Paige via DQ
STILL CHAMPION: Nikki Bella
RATING: 1/4*. Ugh. No point to this. 


Post-match, the Bellas get ready to beat up Paige — but AJ Lee makes another comeback to WWE and saves Paige. Together, the two faces rid the ring of the Bellas.

Backstage, Paige kinda, sorta thanks AJ for her help. AJ is weird and awkward as usual. Hooray. Divas. Wooo.

Rollins
does The Daily Show. We get clips of when Rollins invaded The Daily
Show. He wants Jon Stewart…but Stewart doesn’t show. So, he tells a
bunch of lame jokes until he does. Stewart gets a bigger pop than
Reigns. Stewart and Rollins exchange goofy banter. Stewart calls him a
“SWAT Team Stripper with Lady Gaga’s hair,” then goes for the Mick Foley
city pop. Stewart says he doesn’t fear the Curb Stomp because that’s
how people from New Jersey say “good morning”. He name drops a bunch of
older wrestlers and says that Rollins is nothing but a poster that
people will get tired of and take off their wall. He says that The
Authority doesn’t care about him. If they did, he would be in the
main event at WrestleMania. He says that Rollins didn’t earn the MITB
case. Kane did it for him. Rollins has had enough. He and J&J
attempt to swarm Stewart. Orton’s music hits, Stewart kicks Rollins in
the nuts and rolls out of the ring, killing any heat Orton had to begin
with and making his appearance fucking pointless. Wow.

Renee interviews Jon Stewart who’s really nervous about Rollins finding him backstage. He runs off because he senses danger.

MATCH #5: Luke Harper vs. Daniel Bryan
Harper
brings the IC title with him. Harper just runs over him and slams him,
then punches at him in the corner. Finally, Daniel Bryan sidesteps
Harper’s attack and tries a dropkick but Harper grabs him and tosses him
over the top rope. Guess what? Commercial time! When we come back,
Bryan unloads YES Kicks and goes for the leapfrog off the buckle but
Harper catches him and hits Snake Eyes and a German Suplex for two.
Harper goes for the Powerbomb but Bryan counters and scoop pins Harper
for two. Superkick by Harper. Two count. Harper follows up but Bryan counters with the YES Lock for the win at 6:21.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan via YES Lock
RATING: *1/2.

Bryan
points to the WM sign, post-match as Barrett comes down to the ring to
re-claim the IC title. Ambrose attacks him and grabs the belt. Harper
boots Ambrose in the face and he has the title. Harper rests in the
corner, so R-Truth pops out of the fucking floor and steals the Hardcore IC Title from
Harper. Harper destroys Truth and he has it. Crowd chants for Ziggler,
the obvious choice, and he finally shows up and Superkicks Harper,
taking the title with him backstage. And Daniel Bryan watches Ziggler
with the IC Title. Bryan takes a long look at the belt on the big
screen, which is as insulting as it gets. They have a staring contest.

The next 2015 WWE Hall of Fame entrant is…Alundra Blayze & Madusa.

Backstage,
Seth Rollins is seething over Jon Stewart beating him up. Orton shows
up and says he saved Rollins and wants to help Rollins tonight against
Roman Reigns. Kane and Show show up and say they’ll be there. Orton
isn’t happy and wanders off.

Paul Heyman is in the ring
to address rumors. Lesnar will be at WrestleMania. He’ll be anywhere he
wants before and after that. He says that people need to believe in
Lesnar instead of believing in fairy tales like Daniel Bryan. The mic
keeps cutting out. He says that everyone “believes that” when it comes
to Reigns. He can beat every single Superstar ever in the history of
WWE. He goes on a huge rant about being conquered and beaten by Brock
Lesnar. Believe THAT.

Out comes Reigns for the main event.

NEXT WEEK: Rapper Wiz Khalifa is guest starring on RAW next week for some reason.

EARLIER TONIGHT: Roman Reigns hit Seth Rollins with the biggest punch ever in the history of punches.

MATCH #6: Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble, Joey Mercury, Kane and Big Show)
Reigns
attacks and Rollins rolls out of the ring. Once he regroups, Reigns
hits a couple of simple atomic drops. Rollins regroups again and tghen
gets back in. He tries kicking Reigns but Reigns grabs his foot and
uppercuts him. Reigns just manhandles Rollins, flipping him to the mat
and hammering his head. Rollins finally breaks Reigns’ offense with a
dropkick and begins punching away. He eventually tosses Reigns outside.
J&J jump Reigns but Reigns throws them off of him like Chozen in the
Karate Kid, Part II, then clotheslines Joey Mercury. He gets back in
the ring — and Orton’s music hits. We go to break.

When
we come back, shit, the match is still going. I was holding out hope
that somebody was pinned during the commercial. Rollins has taken over
and has Reigns in a Sleeper. Reigns breaks free, lifting Rollins up and
slams him to the mat while Orton looks smug at ringside. Rollins charges
but misses his corner splash. Reigns hits clotheslines and a
Tilt-a-Whirl Slam. He sets up for the Superman Punch but Joey Mercury
grabs Reigns foot which the ref just allows to happen. Reigns dumps him
outside and gets dropkicked by Rollins. Rollins goes top rope but Reigns
attacks and goes for a Superplex. Rollins breaks the hold and tries the
neckbreaker. Reigns counters.

Noble jumps up on the
mat and gets taken out. Rollins shoves Reigns to the mat and then hits
the Championship Kick That Won Alberto Del Rio the World Title for two.
Both men are down but get back up. Rollins rushes at Reigns but Reigns
tosses him out of the ring. Reigns dives at Rollins but hits Big Show
instead. He rolls Rollins back in the ring but Kane clocks Reigns with a
chair and rolls him into the ring. Two count by Rollins. Rollins goes
for the Curb Stomp and misses. Reigns hits the Superman Punch and goes
for the Spear but Orton grabs Reigns’ leg. Rollins rolls Reigns up for
like a a full ten-count, which is ridiculous, and wins at 15:32.
WINNER: Seth Rollins
RATING: **. Horribly overbooked. Do we really need five dudes at ringside with Rollins?

Post-match,
Reigns dives at the entire Authority. Show comes back in and gets taken
out. Rollins goes top rope but Reigns hits a Spear in mid-air. He
stands tall as we go off the air.

OVERALL: *, overall. That’s being generous.

THE TOP COMMENTS FROM RAW OPEN MIC ON SCOTT’S BOD:

Er, that’s it…