This has nothing to do with the WWE
Assistant GM and Director of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray, comes out to the ring with the Crown Jewel of the Administration, Bill Ray. Also coming out are Average Joe Everyman and Rockstar Gary. Gray grabs the mic:
“After suffering multiple injuries at the hands of Archie Stackhouse at the BoD Rumble, GM Bayless has been hospitalized and is out indefinitely. And when he comes back, he will make Archie Stackhouse pay for what he did. Also, do not expect the Riverdale Covenant to appear tonight as they have been dealing with the injured Stackhouse all week long at some shithole Riverdale medical facility. But, for now, I am the man in charge. With BoD Fastlane soon approaching, we are going to need a championship match to headline the show. So, tonight, We will have 3 of the final 4 BoD Rumble competitors face off in a number one contender’s match. We will have Jef Vinson vs. The Fuj vs. Cultstatus…………….next week!!!!!!!!! So, you all enjoy the show.
(The Administration all leave)
Dancin’ Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112 vs. Jose Gomez & Dr. Facts
HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIME TO GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!! And Lil’ James wasn’t funky enough so he changed it to FunkDoc1112. DOUBLE DA FUNK!!!!!!!!!! Jose Gomez is a newcomer to the BoD and Dr. Facts is stopping by after another tour of Japan. Gomez tries to go after the DDH but that fails as he gets a fistful of funk! Dr. Facts tags in and he lands a few chops but FunkDoc1112 makes a blind tag as DDH catches Dr. Facts with a powerslam then FunkDoc1112 jumps up top and hits a moonsault for the win!!!!!! OH MY WE ARE GITTIN’ FUN-KAY NOW!!!!!! HA HA HA GRANNY IS DANCIN’ IN HER SEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THE OLD GRANDMA DANCE!!!!! GIT DOWN GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Backstage, the Midcard Mafia are celebrating their Tag Team Title win from the BoD Rumble. Steve Ferrari has just arrived from assignment covering the Ithaca College Pinball Tournament.
Ferrari: Hey guys
Piers & Magoonie: Hey
Ferrari: Look, I’ve been a bit distracted a work and I know you don’t make as much as me and renting a Yaris between two adults is a lot so I want to apologize.
Piers: Are you serious? Because that just came off as condescending to me.
Ferrari: Look, I have added up the money that I would have owed you and here it is for you both (hands Piers and envelope)
Magoonie: Alright. Ferrari, are you focused? We are going to need you to be ready. A lot of teams are gunning for us.
Ferrari: Look, I have a new assistant, Chesty Larue, and she will be starting next week. She will handle most of my grunt work so I can spend more time with the Midcard Mafia.
Piers: Okay. Glad to hear.
Ferrari: And since you guys won gold, I arranged a match to have us all face the Job Mob for the Six-Man Titles next week on BoD RAW.
Magoonie: Yeah, lets get that.
Ferrari: And when we win, we are going to need a bigger car than a Yaris to keep all of those belts in while we drive
Piers: Damn straight
(All members put their hands together and raise them up, just like your average every day midcarder)
Here is your 2015 BoD Rumble winner, Jef Vinson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vinson heads down the ring with his French Valet. Vinson grabs the mic and here is what he has to say:
“Finally, I get a rematch at the BoD World Heavyweight Championship. At BoD SummerSlam, I was screwed out of my title by a useless son of a bitch GM and that garden variety addict, Jobber. And as I eliminated The Fuj to win this shot at the title, I realized that I have the chance to take that belt back and god dammit I will.
But, not everyone was happy that I won. A lot of you doubt that I have what it takes to headline BoD Mania. At the very first BoD Mania, I won the BoD Money on the Table Briefcase. When I did win that, another match that the GM attempted to screw me over in by the way, I vowed to put it on the line not when the champ was down and vulnerable but rather when the stakes were high. And I did that because I do not need to take any shortcuts. I do not need any handouts. When the job needs to get done I do the damn thing myself. So for all of you who think that I cannot win the title because I refuse to take the easy way out, be prepared to be disappointed. This might be my last chance at glory and if the GM wants to fuck me over he probably will because he always does and I always fight back. And no matter what, I will be there at BoD Mania II and when I leave it will be with my valet in one arm and the BoD World Championship in the other!!!!!!!!!!
Before I leave, Kaptain Kiwi, I respect you for traveling to New Zealand to find yourself after the worst year ever in recorded history but thinking that I will not put any butts in the seat is a lot of talk for someone who lost in the BoD Rumble. And tonight, I have asked for and received the opportunity to face you 1 on 1 tonight. And after that match, if you win, talk all the trash you want. But if you lose Kaptain Kiwi, remember one thing: You are not better than me and no matter what, you are not headlining BoD Mania. (Vinson drops the mic then leaves with his valet)
“Mean” Dean Andrews vs. Hoss w/ Biff Kensington III
Andrews is back from England as his former partner, Dan Selby, is MIA. Hoss, who is as angry as ever, makes way to the ring with his manager BK3 as he scares away the old ladies and kids. Granny is licking her soft serve cone as Hoss sees this and swipes it from her and slams it down on the ground as BK3 laughs and throws a $20 in her face. Hoss sees Andrews but tosses him in the corner and beats him down. Ever sine losing at the BoD Rumble, Hoss has reportedly been beating up Frozen Yogurt store managers on an hourly basis. Andrews mounts a brief comeback but that gets stopped as Hoss hits the pants-shitter then gets the win with a chokeslam. BK3 climbs into the ring and snaps his fingers as a man brings a tray of what appears to be kale into the ring. Hoss laughs and claps his hands as the man stuffs kale into Andrews’ face. Hoss then gives the man a Polish Hammer as he dumps the tray all over his opponent. BK3 now has the mic:
“The next time anyone messes with Hoss or myself, this is what will happen. So, hide your ice cream America because Hoss isnt stopping until he gets what is his. And with a Tag Team title shot in my back pocket, Kensington Enterprises is on the path to take all of the gold in the BoD. And with my money and penchant for cocaine and winning, cocaine rain will reign supreme across the BoD”
For all you sports fans out there, he is the Super Bowl edition of the Danimal Report:
You realest bro Danimal is here to see what the rest of you bros did for the Super Bowl. Lets see how everyone celebrated. I did with charred DAWGS, cheap beer, homemade jalapeno poppers, and a backyard fire aided with seventeen gallons of gasoline.
Danimal: What did you eat for the superbowl?
Fan #1: Wings, nachos, and brew.
Danimal: You fucking killed it, bro. Like Missy Elliott at the Super Bowl. Did you see her perform?
Fan #1: I was in the bathroom
Danimal: I bet you were
Danimal: You eating a DAWG?
Fan #2: Yes
Danimal: Let me see that (checks it out). You do not like your DAWGS charred?
Fan #2: No
Danimal: Hey man, did you watch Missy Elliott perform at the halftime show?
Fan #3: Fuck off!!!!!
Danimal: You’re opinion matters to me and I appreciate the input you gave me. It will help me become a better bro.
Danimal: Hey, sorry I called you a cocksucker. What did you think of Missy Elliott?
Fan #2: Katy Perry was better
Danimal: Hold on, I have a letter for you. My mailman Gus sent it to me by mistake
Fan #2: (opens it up cautiously, reads “Ask Danimal what you are?”). What am I?
Danimal: Sorry, but I was wrong earlier and want to be the best bro I can by correcting the situation. You were and in fact are a cocksucker. I apologize for any inconvenience. (Camera cuts away, end scene)
Now, lets take a look at the Job Mob’s BoD Rumble After Party:
Jobber: (raising up after blowing a line of cocaine) Who am I facing at BoD Mania anyway. I left after the show.
Zanatude: Jef Vinson
Jobber: Great, someone else who doesnt like to party. How can I bribe him with drugs?
Murph: No idea. Lets send Barlow & Munson after him.
Jobber:Can’t, who else is going to run my errands?
Zanatude: You’re girlfriend
Jobber: She doesnt even pay for anything. Besides, Munson can scrub a toilet and Barlow can make a mean homemade guacamole.
Zanatude: Okay then.
Murph: So, when do we have to show up back to work?
Jobber: When the blow runs out. Should be around payday so that works well for us. Speaking of running out, did anyone see the halcyon I had on the table
Zanatude: Uh, halcyon?
Jobber: Yeah, I had some halcyon
Zanatude: I thought that was laxatives and put it in the water for Barlow & Munson.
Murph: Dude, you H-bombed Barlow & Munson
Jobber: Shit, I gotta see this
(Job Mob leave to see what happened to their two flunkies)
Art Vandelay w/ Marv Cresto vs. John Petuka w/ kbjone
Marv & Art are the new duo taking the BoD by storm as the team called “Streaming Options.” Petuka and his partner are fresh off losing the Tag Team Titles and not very happy about that either. Petuka tries to go after Art, who is talking to his partner on the apron about the latest episode of “It’s Always Sunny.” Petuka gets angry as kbjone is now on the apron and tries to scare off Marv, who may or may not have found that soda. As he does, Art and Marv shift position as kbjone misses an attack but when he gets up he accidentally whacks Petuka in the face. Petuka is down as Art realizes what is going on and quickly rolls up Petuka for the win!!!!!!!! Wow, what an upset. Petuka gets up as Marv & Art are already halfway up the ramp talking about “Parks and Recs” as Petuka and kbjone argue in the ring. Seems like the train is off of the tracks for the Upper Midcard Express………………………..
Lets check out the action backstage in the midcard locker room. Matt Indeed is in the corner removing and taking off his jacket as fast as possible in order to avoid a repeat of what happened at the BoD Rumble. His partner, Mar Solo, is experimenting with a strong roast brew as he once again violates fire code by having too many plugs into an outlet. Dancin’ Devin Harris and FunkDoc1112 are celebrating their latest win by GITTIN’ FUN-KAY as Night & X-Man walk up and call them “sellouts” before walking away. The Drivers are also backstage……..checking out the bus schedule. Also backstage are “Pistol” Pete Labozetta and Flyin’ Brian Gutan, true stars of the BoD. PrimeTime Ten sports his new “Pride of Canada” jacket as he proudly struts around. Out of the corner, the camera show Mister E Mahn wheeling by his 107 trophies and medals, including the Eastern Timezone Timekeeper of the Year or for those in the biz, the ETTY.
In the saga of Stranger in the Alps, here is the latest chapter with Laughing Sting trying to lure him back to the BoD:
Kaptain Kiwi vs. Jef Vinson
Match starts with both guy trading arm drags. They end up in a stalemate as Kiwi uses his New Zealand based offense to keep Vinson at bay. Kiwi lands a hiptoss and a backdrop but Vinson ducks a crossbody as Kiwi spills to the floor. Vinson rolls Kiwi back in and uses a Dragon Sleeper. He breaks the hold and heads up top but Kiwi catches him with a shot to the gut. Kiwi fights back with punches in the corner but eats boot on a charge and Vinson takes him down with bulldog. Vinson sets up for the TKO but Kiwi escapes and gets two with a reverse rollup. Kiwi drops an elbow and heads back up top but Vinson dodges a splash attempt. Vinson gets up and sends Kiwi into the corner but he misses a charge. Kiwi heads up top but Vinson cuts him off and then gets him up for the TKO and gets the win. Vinson celebrates but Parallax runs into the ring!!!!! Parallax stares at Vinson then points at the BoD Mania sign before making the belt signal around his waist. Parallax then grabs the mic:
“Vinson, its fine that you won the BoD Rumble but the fact I am not in the #1 Contender’s match is not okay. So, unless someone from this shitty organization removes me, I will be entering myself into next week’s #1 Contender’s match. And you better believe that I will win and no one will prevent me from doing so because I am better you not just because I am straight edge but because I was born that way”
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!