Matt’s Monday Night RAW Recap – 1/19/2015

Been a busy weekend for me and I haven’t had a chance to breathe…
Let’s see if the Going Home show’s any good…

We
start with WWE’s Martin Luther King Day video package that’s actually
pretty well-edited. It gets a nice round of applause from the crowd and
has Cole, JBL and Booker (on the mics, of course) standing in applause. 
Main
Titles which highlights Randy Orton, Sheamus and Lesnar who have
wrestled approximately 1 match combined in the last four months.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Dallas, Texas!!!
TONIGHT:
A RAW Reunion with Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, Kevin Nash,
Scott Hall, X-Pac, and The New Age Outlaws. Didn’t these people all see
each other less than a year ago at WrestleMania?
Brock
Lesnar and Paul Heyman start us off. Heyman begins his speech but
Lesnar just grabs the mic and calls out Rollins. He says when he shows
up, it’s fightin’ time. Like last week, when he was just there to sign a
contract. Brock: “That’s right, baby. When I show up, you’re nowhere to
be found.” It’s hard to take Brock seriously when he sounds like Jimmy
Hart.
Triple
H shows up and says that he gets why Brock is mad — but Brock started
this whole thing at the contract signing. Brock’s not having it. He’s
here to fight. Heyman begs Brock not to do anything, screaming that
Triple H “pays the bills”. 
That
brings out Steph with Big Show and Kane. She tells Brock to back off.
Everyone stands in silence and Brock just stares at Triple H and the
other guys. 
That
brings us Rollins on the Jumbotron. He calls Brock a “caveman” and says
that he’ll get a shot at him — and he’ll take Brock’s title. Lesnar
tells the Authority to put a leash on their “puppy”. Heyman says that
they don’t want Brock to “fix this”. If THEY fix it, Brock will be
happy. If BROCK fixes it, they’ll have bodies all around the ring and a
depleted roster.
Aaaaand,
here comes John Cena dressed like Joel from MST3K, circa Season 2. Cena
tells Rollins to shut up. Cena wants to tell the Authority face to
face: they put him through hell and he wants them to keep it up. On
Sunday, he’ll take out their little mercenary and Seth Rollins. He says
that he’ll reduce this all to ashes. Then calls The Authority,
“Ash-holes”. Ba-dum-tish.
Cena
tries to leave but Steph brings him back and says that Cena used to be a
role model — but that’s not who he is today. Cena lied to everyone by
bringing the Authority back. Steph says nobody wants to see him win
anymore. Rollins calls him a loser, too. He’s been losing over and over.
Cena’s time is up and it’s time to step away. He botches a line,
telling Cena to tuck his “legs between his legs”.
Cena
says he’s not sure how that’s physically possible, but he’ll find the
room that Rollins is in and he will rip his “mouth off his face”. (DANIELLE:
But he’d still be able to talk…why doesn’t he threaten to dye his
hair one color instead? That sounds more threatening.)
He still wants the Fired Three to have their jobs back.
Triple
H decides to make a match: if Cena wins, then they get their jobs back,
so we’re going to this same ol’ well again. If Cena loses, he will give
up his spot in the Triple Threat Match at Royal Rumble. He asks what
Cena thinks. The crowd chants, “YES”. Triple H won’t let him answer
that: that’s up to the WWE Universe. That’s right. You have nothing but
yourself to blame for tonight’s bullshit.
And, finally, after 22 minutes, we’re done with this segment.
Cole explains how to download the WWE app in case you’ve lived under a rock for the last five years.
NEXT: Daniel Bryan faces Bray Wyatt.
MATCH #1: Bray Wyatt vs. Daniel Bryan
Deja-fucking-vu.
Bryan’s entrance gets a wild pop. He kicks Bray in the corner but Bray
puts Bryan to the mat. Bryan takes over again but Bray leaves the ring.
Bryan hits a slide kick and hits a Flying Goat off the top rope — and
out comes Kane for your weekly cup of Shitty Finish. After a break, he’s
sitting at ringside as Bray beats Bryan up outside the ring. Back in
the ring, Bray hits a flying tackle and chokes Bryan against the bottom
rope as Booker recounts how “great” their match at last year’s Royal
Rumble. Bray drops an elbow. Booker: “Oh, that’s it.” What? Bryan
finally breaks a Sleepr with a Chinbreaker but Bray hits a HUGE
clothesline. We go to another break.
Bray
hits a Reverse Senton when we come back. Bryan comes back with and
elbow, then nearly overshoots a corner dropkick and hits a bunch of YES
Kicks. He hits a Frankensteiner off the top turnbuckle and we get more
YES Kicks. He misses the big kick and Bray flies out of the ring on a
rush. Bryan hits a Flying Goat and puts Bray back in — and Kane
attacks, whacking Bryan’s head on the mat, then puts him back in where
Bray hits Sister Abigail for a completely arbitrary win at 16:15. Your
former champ, ladies and gentlemen.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt via Sister Abigail
RATING: **1/4. This was not “awesome”, as the crowd suggested.
Post-match, it’s Yet Another Authority Beatdown, with Kane hitting a Chokeslam and then clubbing away at him. 
YES OR NO: Will Cena wrestle on a wrestling show? You can vote on that.
Dolph wants to wrestle. He said so on Twitter.
TONIGHT: A “wrestling panel” with Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair.
Apparently,
Smackdown was #1. They beat everything on TV on Thursday, including Fox
News, which is like bragging about beating up Stephen Hawking. Yes, I
somehow just equated the two. That’s ironic.
Triple H is backstage, yacking on his cell. Diesel and Razor Ramon
Kevin Nash and Scott Hall show up to “reunion” or whatever. Shawn joins
them. They want to know where X-Pac is. “X-Dow” shows up instead and
does a perfect impression of X-Pac. X-Pac shows up and he’s impressed.
Miz tells Miz-dow to go get dressed and then walks off. Nash: “What the
hell kinda show are you runnin’ here, man?” Triple H facepalms and says,
“I’m so ashamed.”
EARLIER TONIGHT: Triple H left it up to the WWE Universe to book a match ending in a DQ.
John Cena is backstage with Renee Young. But, whoops, that was an early edit. 
Byron
Saxton is in the ring to introduce our “Legends Panel”: Hulk Hogan, Ric
Flair, and Shawn Michaels. It’s hard to get with the “Sexy Boy” theme
when Michaels dresses like he’s hunting deer in 20 minutes. Byron asks
if Cena should put his title opportunity on the line. Michaels and Hogan
think so. Flair doesn’t. Isn’t this awesome? Why isn’t the crowd
chanting that? 
Flair
recounts how awesome it was to win the Royal Rumble in ’92. So does
Michaels. Hogan tells everyone that the competition was fierce in the
Royal Rumble. Hulkamania helped him survive.
Michaels
picks Bray Wyatt to win the Royal Rumble. The Orange Goblin disagrees.
Michaels yells at him and says Hogan always pushes him. Hogan stands up.
Michaels mocks Hogan and invokes SummerSlam 2005. Hogan: “You don’t
want any of that again, do ya’?” Michaels: “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll sit
back down.” Hogan picks Daniel Bryan to win. Flair picks Dean Ambrose,
then dances around. 
And
here comes the somehow-still-relevant Big Show. The crowd yells that
Show sold out. Show gets angry and says they would have done the same
thing if it was for their family. Hogan tells Show they don’t want Show
out here. Show tells Hogan to back off and says that Michaels and Flair
have been jealous of him. Show says that he’s beaten Hogan for the World
Championship. He mocks Flair and says he took Flair’s shot at the title
once. He says Michaels fears him. He calls the Legends “washed up” and
says they’re begging for another shot. He says that nobody in the back
can beat him. That’s why he’s winning the Rumble because nobody can
throw him over the top rope, history be damned. 
He
tells them that he’s giving them a chance to leave the ring. Flair:
“Are you done?” Flair removes his coat. Michaels and Flair get ready to
fight. Flair hits chops, then runs into a KO. Show blames the crowd for
that. 
And
out comes Reigns. Show tells him to hold up and says that if he stays
in the ring, Reigns will get hurt. He asks him Reigns understands.
Reigns just attacks, then clotheslines him over the top rope because
nobody can put a Giant out of the ring.
Cena’s
backstage with Renee. The WWE Universe has voted to see Cena risk it
all. Cena will overcome. That’s about the long and short of it.
When
we come back…Cole is excited for the Rumble: “The Royal Rumble is my
favorite because it happens once a year!” Unlike the 11 other WWE PPV’s.
And what the hell? A MATCH?! It’s been over an hour. I thought I was watching a series of NBA Pre-Game interviews.
MATCH #2: WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose (non-title)
Ambrose
gets an early upper hand and hits a nice elbow off the top rope.
Barrett comes back and kicks him in the throat. Two count. After a break, Barrett is in control. Sleeper hold on Ambrose.
Ambrose breaks and hits a roll-up for two, then hits a Rebound
Clothesline. He goes top rope but Barrett knocks him off. Barrett tries
the Bullhammer but Ambrose hits a Dirty Deeds for the win at 8:29.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose
RATING: *
TONIGHT: If Cena wins: The Fired Three are rehired. If he loses, Cena gives up his spot at the Rumble match.
The Dallas Cowboys are at ringside as JBL says that they were screwed.
And a loooooooong Royal-Rumble-By-the-Numbers preview.
New
Day hits the ring with Xavier Woods saying weird, cryptic shit like,
“We won’t succumb to rage because the roster will go to the hospital.
TOMORROW: Santino’s Royal Rumble Lottery Specatcular
MATCH #3: The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston) (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) & Cesaro (w/ Adam Rose & Exotic Express)
Big
E hits a Spinebuster on Kidd, then tags Kofi who hits a dropkick on
Tyson as he flies through the air, courtesy of an E set-up. Kofi gets an
uppercut to the face. Cesaro hits a Delayed Suplex and tags Tyson with
his other arm. Tyson pulls Kofi to the mat, then puts on a side
headlock. Tag to Cesaro who hits a Cesaro Swing to Dropkick. Big E
breaks the pin by Tyson. Cesaro gets in and hits a headlock. Kofi breaks
and ends up in the corner. Kofi rushes at Cesaro who catches him. Kofi
tries a pin but Cesaro runs him back to his own corner. Kofi
accidentally kicks Tyson and then rolls up Cesaro for the win at 3:03.
WINNER: New Day.
RATING: DUD. Tyson and Kidd are worth so much more than this, New Day is DOA and WTF is Adam Rose even doing out here?
NEXT: The nWo is out here because we only need 4 matches on a 3 hour show.
ON SMACKDOWN: Daniel Bryan faces Kane in a No-DQ Match. If Bryan loses, he is out of the Royal Rumble.
Out comes the perpetually-drunk Scott Hall, Kevin Nash and X-Pac. Scott
Hall does the “HEY, YO” bit and says that a reunion of old guys isn’t
possible with the three of them. Hall asks how many people are there for
the RAW reunion. People cheer. Hall asks the same question and tacks on
“with the nWo?” Nash says they can re-live the nWo’s rise to power on
WWE Network. Then he says the nWo was responsible for the Attitude Era.
Nash says he’s not an egotist but they’re responsible for “everything
great”. X-Pac starts growling and…out comes The Ascension.
They
get into the ring and X-Pac tells them to bring it up. Viktor says it’s
nice to see them. But they’re just three old dogs begging to be put out
of their misery. Konnor: “And we’re the two to do it.” Sigh…he even
doubles down with “We’re born and bred to rip and shred.” Viktor calls
then a tag team from WCW as Kevin Nash facepalms and tries not to
laugh. 
The
crowd chants for the nWo. Hall tosses his toothpick at Konnor and we’re
ready to go. JBL has had enough. He sheds his jacket and unbuttons his
shirt to reveal an APA shirt. He says he made a phone call to an old
friend. It’s Ron Simmons. The Ascension tells them all to bring it on. 
And
here come the New Age Outlaws. Jesse James goes for a cheap pop with a
Dallas Cowboys reference. He says that this ring is full of stallions —
so who invited the jackasses? The Outlaws destroy The Ascension. JBL
warms up the Clothesline from Hell and hits it.
RIP, Ascension. If this was the final burial, at least they went out, courtesy of some of the legends.
NEXT: MORE TALKING AS TRIPLE H AND STEPH TELL CENA WHO HE FACES.
Triple
H and Steph are backstage. Steph wants a drumroll. And there’s a guy
back there with him, doing a drumroll. Cena will face Seth Rollins. And
The Big Show. And Kane. Steph fires the drumroll guy because he kept
stopping the drumroll before each opponent was named. A dude shows up to
play Taps. 
The Bella Twins are at ringside.
MATCH #4: Paige & Natalya vs. Summer Rae & Alicia Fox
Paige
is caught in a wristlock, but whatever. Paige tags Nattie anyhow, while
Summer looks slightly befuddled. The two hit a double suplex and it’s
tags in and out until Summer hits a high spinning kick for a two count.
Fox tags in and hits Northern Lights for two. Fox slams Nattie but
misses a flipping legdrop. “Hot tag” to Paige and she’s all over Fox’s
shit with kicks, a drop kick and a Superkick for two. Another double
team by Nattie and Paige and it’s the PTO by Paige to win at 2:56.
WINNERS: Nattie and Paige
RATING: DUD.
Nikki taunts Paige and Nattie with the Divas title as if that belt matters anymore.
TONIGHT: Cena is in a handicap match. AND THE WWE UNIVERSE IS TO BLAME.
AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE: New Day will face Adam Rose, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd on the Royal Rumble pre-show.
Rusev
is out for his usual squash. Truth tries to scare him, pre-match, by
calling him “cupcake” and saying “Whoomp, there it is” which the fans
chant. Thanks, Truth.
MATCH #5: WWE United States Champion Rusev (w/ Lana) vs. R-Truth (non-title)
Superkick, Accolade, done at 45 seconds.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
RATING: DUD.
It’s
hard to call Rusev “unstoppable” when he keeps wrestling fluff and
frustratingly gets over at the expense of guys like Ambrose. 
Rollins
is backstage, walking to the ring entrance and bragging to the Security
team about how he’s gonna embarrass Cena. He runs into Brock who says
that he hopes Rollins beats Cena so that he can take Rollins out 1 on
1. 
MATCH #6: Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy Uso) vs. The Miz (w/ Damien Miz-dow)
Miz
and Miz-dow pose until Jey rolls Miz up for two. Miz chokes Jey on the
ropes and hits the Miz-Breaker for two. Miz leaps at Jey and gets two.
SCF by Miz misses and Jey hits a Superfly Splash for the win at 2:56
while Damien Miz-dow imitates it all because stunt doubles work just like voodoo dolls. Get it yet??? DO YOU GET THIS CHARACTER???
WINNER: Jey Uso
RATING: DUD.
WHY
WOULD YOU PAY ALMOST 60 BUCKS FOR A PPV WHEN YOU CAN PAY TEN DOLLARS???
YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE. DON’T DO THAT. YOU’RE ALSO THE ONE WHO BOOKED THE
MAIN EVENT TONIGHT, WEREN’T YOU??? 
Hulk Hogan says Cena will win tonight.
AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE: The Ascension faces The New Age Outlaws. Oh. Ok.
MATCH #7: Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury), Big Show, & Kane (w/ Triple H & Stephanie McMahon) vs. John Cena in a 3-on-1 Handicap Match
Rollins
starts but then backs up and tags Big Show. Cena runs into a shoulder
tackle, so it’s time to settle in for 15 minutes of Cena peril. Rollins
comes in and clotheslines Cena. Two count. Rollins kicks at Cena. Tag to
Kane who beats on Cena and runs his head into Show’s boot. Tag to Show
who splashes Cena in the corner. Cena tries to fight back and attempts
to slam Show but Show just falls on him for two. Break time.
Rollins
is in the ring with Cena who gets splashed. Two count. Rollins puts on a
Sleeper Hold. Cena fights out and puts Rollins against the buckle but
Rollins hits a Flying Neckbreaker off the ropes for two. Tag to Show who
goes for a Vader Bomb but misses. Tag to Rollins who misses a Curb
Stomp and it’s Moves 1 through 4. AA attempt doesn’t work because
Security gets involved and that doesn’t end in a DQ because reasons.
Rollins ends up in an AA anyhow but Cena gets dragged out of the ring by
Kane. It’s a shoulder tackle by Show and Cena is down, outside.
Cena
gets up at nine and gets back into the ring before 10. Kane sets up for
a Chokeslam and hits it but Cena kicks out at two. Tag to Rollins who
tries to set up for a Curb Stomp — and Sting appears on the Jumbotron.
JBL: “That’s a picture of Sting.” Sting’s music hits and he’s on his way
out. He points at the heels and Cena rolls Rollins up for the win at
13:58.
WINNER: John Cena
RATING: **.
Post-match,
Cena celebrates as Sting just vanishes into the same place Triple H and
Steph came from. Triple H is pissed and tells Sting to get back here.
The crowd chants WE WANT STING. Instead, here’s Brock Lesnar to start
the Royal Rumble teaser finish for 2015. He attacks Rollins. Kane and
Show attack Lesnar. Lesnar hits an F5 on both Kane and Show. Rollins
escapes with his life…and that’s it.

Wow. They finished virtually on-time.
OVERALL: **1/2. Way too much talking for a wrestling show. We had less than an hour of wrestling on a 2 1/2 hour show.
Er…that’s it.
Andy PG may or may not cover Santino’s Royal Rumble show. Man, that’s a hard one to think about writing about. We have Bayless and Scott doing retro shows. Tommy Hall has NXT and Smackdown and Andy PG will give you a nice wrestling sammitch with the Superstars recap to send you into your weekend. The Royal Rumble is Sunday and I’m sure Scott will have a review. If not, one of us will recap that. Till’ next week…

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