It’s False: Is Marlena pulling her top down the most underrated moment of the pre-Attitude era? It’s barely a blip on our radars today, but I remember this being a huge deal at the time.
It’s definitely on the list. I actually hadn’t even thought about it for over a decade, and I can’t even remember the last time anyone talked about it on a message board or blog post. I was 14 when it happened, so forgive me if my mammary memory is a little biased, but I distinctly remember all the Hot Newz websites exploding in a collective orgasm of “DID I JUST SEE IMPLIED TITTIES?” If nothing else, it changed everything we knew about divas for the next 10 years.
The only question is whether or not Sunny is going to top that with her promised sex tape? If she delivers the goods, the ratings for this show might hit near Superbowl numbers seeing as how she was already AOL’s top downloaded woman. Also, the WWF is probably going to face lifetime bans from every cable channel in existence, but sometimes, it’s worth the risk.
THE HONKY TONK MAN is in … what, a barber shop? He’s seated next to SOME DUDE whose face is covered by the New York Post. Is this his protégé? And why does seeing a headline about Kenny Rogers in pinstripes make me feel 100 years old?
Arriving to the show are SABLE, and WCW Executive in charge of Prime Relations, JOHNNY B BADD.
LIVE from the All-Star Café in New York City, THIS is Shotgun. Yes, through the infinite wisdom of Vince, somehow he decided that rather than take RAW live more than once a month, that he’d be better served to give that kind of treatment to his new top B-show. And speaking of, VINCE MCMAHON and DANCIN’ SUNNY are your hosts. She reminds us that she has a sexy home video for later tonight. “Just like Mookie Wilson did when he hit the baseball through Buckner’s legs!” says TODD PETTENGILL; who is about as likely to appear on Sunny’s home video as I am.
Earlier today, THE SISTERS OF LOVE were arrested for solicitation in front of the Disney Store in downtown Manhattan. This could have only been better if they’d been making jazz hands.
NOT DIESEL vs. MARC MERO (with Sable)
The Mero’s need a ton of security, because, and you won’t believe this, drunken bystanders start trying to grope Sable as she makes her way through them. I didn’t see it coming either. In all seriousness, I never actually got the whole Sable thing, even as a teenage walking hormone. She always looked trashy, like she’d just finished her shift at Pinky’s House of Grind, and probably smelled like a mix of cheap vanilla perfume and whiskey. Sunny came across as the real deal, and there was no contest in my household. (We’ll let the next 100 comments that follow this article sort it out on a mainstream level.) Diesel gives chase to Sable right away, and she shoves her creampie in his face. Whoops, sorry, that was cake. Blinded by icing, Mero’s able to capitalize with a faceplant. He’s such a wild man! Diesel comes back with a big boot, while Pettengill checks in with Sable. “DIESEL TAKES THE CAKE!” she tells us. Sunny responds by suggesting she performed with Mero in her sex-tape; Marc, not Rena. I’m only okay with this if he awkwardly offers her a mustache ride to set up the scene. Diesel knocks Mero to the floor, and NOT RAZOR RAMON rushes in to stomp on Mero. ROCKY MAIVIA saves the day by the power of his Chia Hair, as we take a commercial break.
DOK HENDRIX YELLS.
Diesel is working over Mero, but because we can’t go 3 seconds without Sportz Entertainment, THE HONKY TONK MAN is given split screen time. And why? FOR NO REASON AT ALL. He promises to play music, which is the GREATEST thing Vince has ever heard if his reaction is to be believed. Diesel delivers a vertical suplex and beats Mero down in the corner. However, that pesky Mero just won’t give, because he’s WILD! Diesel heads up top, which completely destroys any illusion that he’s supposed to be anything like Kevin Nash. Clothesline connects, and Mero starts hobbling around. A completely botched and awful sidewalk slam gets 2. He goes for another, but Mero snaps off a quick rana. A clothesline knocks Diesel to the mat, and he heads up – nailing a Merosault! No time for a pin, however, because he spies Honky Tonk with his lady, and apparently is so threatened by a 60 year old fat guy in an Elvis jumpsuit, that he HAS to rush down and get involved. Diesel pulls him back in and finishes with the Truckstop at 12:17. So let’s sum this up: You have Marc Mero, fresh off an IC title run, and sitting with the highest guaranteed contract in the entire company. He’s facing a green, and absolutely awful Kevin Nash impersonator – which is some sort of giant rib against WCW stealing their stars or something (you’d have to check with Vince). You put them together, giving them 12 minutes, on your secondary show, and the PUNCHLINE spends the entire match on offense and wins cleanly. I don’t even have the words for the boneheadedness of everything I just saw. -***
The Mero’s fight after the match, which makes Sunny horny. Rocky Maivia returns to save the day, and a brawl erupts. The referees break that up quickly, while the fans chant “LET THEM GO!”
Some fine mugshots of The Sisters of Love are shared.
SAVIO VEGA vs. FAAROOQ (with PG-13, Clarence Mason, and D’Lo Brown)
Considering the edge the WWF was adopting at this point, it’s a little surprising they never pushed the envelope to have the Nation wear colors; but then, that might have been crossing the line a little too far into real life and putting the performers lives in jeopardy. Still, it would have been downright balls to have Faarooq come out with a blue bandana, and force Rocky to change his name to The Rocc. A commercial airs during the entrances, and we return with Faarooq working over Vega on the mat. Vince suggests we whip out our VCR’s and set them to record, because Sunny’s sex tape is coming up.
In fact, TODD PETTENGILL is with fans to discuss “who do you think Sunny is making love with tonight?” Making love?!? For god sakes Todd. One young guy starts shaking uncontrollably and wishes it was him. I’m assuming, just looking at him, that rule applies to any woman and not just Sunny.
Back in the ring, Vega gives Faarooq the electric chair, but he kicks out at 2. The fans are really into this, screaming “NWO” with great enthusiasm. Vega chops Faarooq in the ropes, and follows with a superkick for 2. Wolfie D starts getting into it with the referee, allowing JC Ice to come off the top with an axehandle to give the advantage back to Faarooq. Snap suplex gets 2, and Faarooq angrily barks at anyone white. Vega retaliates with a jawbreaker, but misses a Stinger splash, and the Spinebuster gets the win for Faarooq at 5:55. He’ll be taking on Ahmed Johnson at the Royal Rumble. 1/2*
And now, following all the hype … it’s SUNNY’s Lair of Love. She’s lying in a bathrobe, with the hottest Christmas gift in the world – Tickle Me Elmo. After some quick teases, she introduces her lover.
It’s not Tickle Me Elmo; this is Fondle Me Elmo. And, after promising to take him to “Space Mountain” (oh Jesus), she claps off the lights, and following a cartoon “BOINGGGGGG”, they start screaming like the tail end of a Shania Twain song. Elmo, showing the gusto of a 17-year old virgin, lasts about 14 seconds.
“The Energizer Bunny has nothing on you”, coos Sunny. “Where’s Fondle Me Elmo’s pants?” asks the muppet, waiting a moment, and pondering further. “Where’s Fondle Me Elmo’s … (BOINGGGGGGG)?”
So I think we need a minute to digest this. Following the debut of this show a week earlier, which featured Marlena taking off her top and showing off her very real (well, “real”) breasts to the audience, the WWF spends a whole week hyping a bigger, badder, raunchier show the following week, with the number one Spank Bank model in the company. Now, of course this is a company that once baited us with the Gobbledygooker, but you would HOPE in the 6 years since then that they’d learned a little something about bait and switch. Granted, if anyone was stupid enough to tune in specifically thinking they were going to witness Sunny’s adult debut for FREE, on a CABLE network, they probably got exactly what they deserved. But for the rest of us, this is mind-numbingly embarrassing crap that pretty much keeps our wrestling viewership a secret from the rest of civilized society. Sleazy, stupid ratings ploy, and all involved should be taken out back and shot.
And what does Vince McMahon think?
“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! TODD PETTENGILL TAKE US AWAY!”
THE HONKY TONK MAN promises to sing; but in fact it’s TODD PETTENGILL who takes over the song. This is two weeks in a row; if Todd is so itchy for karaoke amateur hour, can I suggest he ask McMahon for weekends off and tackle his newfound hobby at bars that aren’t taping wrestling television?
ROCKY MAIVIA vs. NOT RAZOR RAMON
Rocky hits a sweet series of dropkick that remind just how flexible he used to be, before the 180 pounds of muscle were added. The fans start chanting “WE WANT HALL” which Vince tries to talk over loudly thinking it’ll go away. We take a commercial break as Honky starts skulking around ringside.
“Razor has been battering Rocky Maivia!” is how we’re welcomed back. Sunny cites Razor’s years of experience. For fuck sakes, now they’re pretending he’s the SAME guy he used to be? A few noticeable fans start a “ROCKY SUCKS” chant, which is unfortunate, as he’s a man of the people. McMahon gives us our Todd Pettengill update: he’s on his way to Times Square. This is good news, I’m not sure what I’d have done if I wasn’t getting my round the clock Rodd updates. Rocky is sent to the floor where Honky gets in a few cheapshots. Back in, Razor goes to finish with the Razor’s Edge, but Rocky slides down off the back and finishes with a shoulderbreaker at 5:02. I can’t decide if that was an upset or not. Match of the night. *
TODD PETTENGILL is in the middle of Times Square, and feels like Dick Clark, but “without the ball dropping”. Check your pants, Todd. He’s found a homeless box, where they have “cable” and “heat” apparently. Inside is NIKOLAI VOLKOFF. Is this supposed to be funny? Any of this? Who is this appealing to? Anyone old enough to remember Nikolai is too old to be amused by homeless jokes (or whatever they’re doing), and anyone young enough to giggle at “BUMS ON THE STREET LOL” have no idea who on earth he is. This show has to be a contender for one of the 10 worst of all time, right? I may need to poll you, the audience at a future date to make a list; but I can’t think of any night more cringe worthy than everything I’ve seen here thus far. Of course, I’ve got a mental block on anything Russo.
Annnnnnd … The hits just keep on coming:
He will give birth LIVE on Shotgun next week. DUDE NO. JUST STOP.
DOUG FURNAS and PHILLIP LAFON vs. THE HEADBANGERS
We’re joined in progress for this one, watching Mosh get thrown across the ring with an overhead belly to belly from Furnas. “ECW! ECW!” shout the loyal crowd. Thrasher blows something or other, and gets the requisite “YOU FUCKED UP” chant, and well deserved. And on the topic of blowing, Sunny figures she’s due to have sex with Doug Furnas. “BWO! BWO!” Off to commercial.
Todd brings us back by celebrating in Times Square about god knows what, with a bunch of drunken Yankees fans. In the arena, Furnas kills Mosh with a jumping DDT – and lest you want a finish, WE’RE OUTTA TIME!!!
If you can make lemonade out of this pile; then be my guest.