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WWF Superstars: January 5, 1997

Folks, I know with
hindsight being what it is (spoiler: it’s often 20/20), the Monday Night Wars
are looked back on as the pinnacle of sports entertainment. Two companies,
slugging it out, mano y mano, for ratings shares, advertisement dollars, and personal
glory. It is also fondly remembered by many of us, for the lack of JBL on
commentary.
But to get to Mondays,
you must first go through Sundays, and that’s where the real blood was drawn.
We’ve taken a lot of time to reflect on WCW Worldwide, and the never-ending
appearances by VK Wallstreet and Alex Wright. But have we really explored all
Sunday has to offer us? Like college, now is the time for experimentation. THIS
… is WWF Superstars.
Do you like time to
settle in and get prepared for your show? Do 20 minute promos give you the time
you need to pop your corn and crack your soda? TOUGH – on Sundays we give it to
you raw and ready. Our hosts are JIM
ROSS
and JAMES E CORNETTE.

PIERROTH & CIBERNETICO vs. DOUG FURNAS &
PHILLIP LAFON
So, lost in the black and
white grain of the New World Order, one of the biggest transformations in the
professional wrestling landscape was the mass influx of Crusierweight talent to
WCW. Opening matches were longer left for mid-card tag-teams, or colorless
jobber squashes. Hotly contested matches between faced paced, creative-looking
international superstars were quickly becoming some of the most-talked about
night after night. Vince McMahon, not blind to what was happening, decided to
bring in some Mexican wrestlers of his own.
The problem of course, is
that Konan had already stolen what was essentially AAA’s hottest, and even
moderate level stars, many of whom would be shunned from working with the
promotion for a long time, and in some cases, forever. AAA was willing to
exchange talent with the WWF (under the assumption they’d be gifted appearances
from Bret Hart, The Undertaker, and Shawn Michaels), but by then, McMahon was
left with the scraps. P&C are the scraps. The drizzling scraps.
Pierroth cuts an angry
promo in Spanish, leaving several Stunt Grannies to shake their heads in
disgust. MIL MASCARAS joins the
commentary team, and through his muffled mask and broken English, we’re
informed that he’ll be in the Royal Rumble. Cibernetico takes a picture perfect
dropkick from Furnas, and Lafon follows with a side kick. Pierroth chops at
Lafon, but he no-sells. Furnas misses a blind charge and crashes over the top,
while Mascaras starts rambling away. “You kids, you know, I beat many many
times.” JR: “Errrr … yes, absolutely.” Furnas heads back in, and Cibernetico
drops an elbow. Mascaras is completely incomprehensible at this point, and JR
just keeps responding with stuff like “that’s amazing!” Lafon heads in, and
takes out both guys. Cibernetico takes a spinning heel kick for 2. A brawl
between both teams erupts, but it’s less of an eruption than an uncomfortable
gasp. Furnas goes for a springboard crossbody on Cibernetico, but the cheating
foreigner shoves the referee in front to get clobbered instead. The referee
issues a DQ, and gives the win to Furnas and Lafon at 4:40. Pierroth takes over with the microphone again, and is given
another couple of minutes to carry on in Spanish. *
FLASH FUNK (with the Funkettes) vs. SALVATORE
SINCERE
Boy, Naomi and Cameron
have barely aged a day in the last 20 years. Flash Funk is pretty much
considered the low point for 2 Cold Scorpio, but nothing’s lower than his dong.
Also, have you SEEN the WCW VHS classic New Blood on the Block? No? Well, allow
me:

There is nothing finer
than Black Culture being depicted through the eyes of a bunch of white dudes.
Of course, that applies to both Flash Funk AND whatever the hell we just
watched. This is a matchup of ECW alumni. Funk throws a few dropkicks to knock
Sincere to the floor, and follows with a baseball slide. Air Funk is on point,
but he can’t capitalize. Sincere decks Funk from the apron, and re-enters with
a slingshot splash for 2. Overhead belly to belly with a bridge gets 2. Funk
comes back with a half crab, but it’s broken up quickly in the ropes. Jim Ross
recaps Marlena’s breasts. An Oklahoma roll gets 2, and a spinning heel kick has
Sincere dizzy. The handspring back elbow and enzuigiri sets up the Flash Splash
for 2. The 450 finishes at 3:43.
*1/2 We gonna step.
THE SULTAN (with the Iron Sheik) vs. MATT HARDY
BOB BACKLUND joins the commentary team. 
Matt Hardy is the future Matt Hardy, for those who aren’t in the know.
He’s sporting lovely blue homemade tights, with the Hardy Boyz name stitched in
anywhere he can find empty space. Unfortunately, tights are only one piece of
the puzzle, and he taps to the camel clutch 1:31. Backlund walks off without having said a word. JR: “Nice of
you to join us, scintillating conversation.” DUD
FREDDIE JOE FLOYD vs. HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY (in a
non-title match)
Expect Freddie to be all
over these shows until the plug is pulled in March. I’ll leave you to decide if
I’m talking about this program, or Freddie. Floyd rides Helmsley, which JR says
is “shades of the Brisco Brothers”. The entire gimmick, for the record, is some
sort of giant rib on the Briscos. McMahon was just as interested in his
self-amusement in 1997 as he is today. Hunter quickly comes back, hitting a
standing vertical suplex, and dropping a knee. A swinging neckbreaker gives
Hunter a chance to pose for that one screaming lady, who manages to overtake
everyone else by herself. A kneelift and fistdrop continue to drag this out.
Honestly, it’s been like 3 minutes, but Triple H already has me going to sleep.
Freddie hits a dropkick, and starts the boxing routine. A Jawjacker hits.
Cornette: “NOBODY GETS UP FROM THE JAWJACKER!” It gets 1. Pedigree finishes at 5:00. DUD
The Bret/Michaels
confrontation from last week’s RAW is replayed. I’m sure you’re just as hyped
for their Wrestlemania rematch as I am! I’m sure the direction is as obvious to
me as it is to you. 4 words: Jose Lothario Heel Turn.
THE GOON vs. THE UNDERTAKER
Firstly: The Goon might
be the finest non-Gambler jobber in wrestling today (then!). A toothless
poofy-haired hockey stick wielding skate wearing out of place hockey player,
trying his hand at a little pro-wrestling? How can this miss? Secondly: It’s
weird to see the Undertaker, the ultimate in special attractions, with his
once-a-year God-like appearances, turning up on the same B shows as Freddie Joe
Floyd and Flash Funk. Goon tries to charge Taker as he removes his jacket, but
Taker just side-steps and calmly shoves him into the buckle. A clothesline
sends Goon to the floor, where he grabs his stick. Taker grabs him by the
clown-hair, and takes the blunt end to the nose. And we take a commercial.
We’re back, and Goon has
returned to his natural role of getting his ass kicked. Goon is whipped into
the referee by mistake, and sensing opportunity, he grabs his stick and
cross-checks Taker. 3 big whacks like he’s the second coming of Ron Hextall do
nothing, since he’s the bloody Undertaker. The stick is taken away, one shot is
delivered across the back, and a Chokeslam leaves him for dead. Honestly, that
was probably enough, but that’s not how we do, and the Tombstone finishes at 2:54. A billion stars.
Cornette stands up from
the commentary desk, and screams about Vader and the Royal Rumble. He vows to
stuff Undertaker in his own body-bag. You might find that scenario a little
implausible, but you’ve got to keep in mind that Undertaker’s been stuffed in
even more uncomfortable places, if his teardrop tattoo is to be believed.
Undertaker turns out the lights, and appears behind Cornette, dragging him to
the ring by the throat. And, without Vader to save his hide, it’s Tombstone
city, and Cornette is stuffed in the bodybag.

That was a whole lot of
angle to close us out, so WWF wins the Sunday War this week. How WCW will
respond should have all of us on the edge of our seats.