This has nothing to do with the WWE

Backstage, GM Bayless is with the rest of his Administration in the corner. They have lost one of their banquet tables to the Riverdale Covenant took it in order to play Go Fish. GM Bayless stares at his watch as he awaits the arrival of Jesse Baker. All of a sudden, two battered guys are pushed through a door as their clothes are dirty and worn. They slowly lift up their heads and we see that they are Rockstar Gary and Average Joe Everyman. Justice Gray and Bill Ray run over to help them up as GM Bayless asks them what they have seen. Gary and Joe look up in horror as we go to commercial break.

Cultstatus is backstage. He is preparing for his match tonight against Jef Vinson. Here is what he has to say:

“Tonight, before I win the BoD Rumble again, I will go through one of the 29 guys in the match. Vinson, post all the GIF’s you want and watch all of the boxing tapes you want because it is not going to help you when I have you up for the jackknife powerbomb. By the way, when we see lil’ Parallax return at the BoD Rumble, remind him that I am tossing him right the fuck out like the garbage he is and that is the straight edge truth!”

BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
Biscuit vs. Mikey Mike

The most grizzled veteran in the BoD, Biscuit, is looking to head to the BoD Rumble for the first time. Mikey Mike is also looking for his first BoD Rumble appearance as well. Biscuit has slept in the back of his 1988 Buick Regal for the past two nights without heat. His pillow is a T-shirt he got from Wally Szcerbiak appreciation night stuffed with tissue paper. Biscuit starts with an armbar as the match is underway. Mikey reaches the ropes and Biscuit breaks but takes him down and works a headlock. Mikey breaks that up with a back suplex then stomps away. Mike works over the back of Biscuit, a back that has been sore from sleeping in the back of a cramped Regal. Mike heads up top and drops a knee into Biscuit’s back but that just gets two. Mikey puts on a Camel’s Clutch as Biscuit tries to escape the hold. Biscuit fights out but Mikey kicks him down. Mikey tries a suplex but Biscuit blocks that and hits one of his own as both men are down. Biscuit is up first then he wins a slugfest. Biscuit sends Mikey into the corner but misses a running knee smash then gets hit with a lungblower but that only gets two. Mikey drives his knee into the back of Biscuit as the Midwest Mauler needs a miracle to happen. He needs to do it for the Jacque Jones’, Eric Milton’s, and Jake Reed’s who never got the chance at glory. Biscuit powers up as Mikey struggles to hold him down. Mikey tries an electric chair drop but Biscuit turns that into a Victory Roll then gets up and puts Mikey in the Stump Puller. Mikey has no choice but to tap as Biscuit has made it to the BoD Rumble!!!!!!!!!! All the VFW Halls across the Midwest are going crazy.

Backstage, GM Bayless awaits as the man, the myth, the legend has arrived. Jesse Baker comes backstage and and pops open his trench coat and tries to look mysterious but ends up tripping over the cable and falls. The GM does not look thrilled as his Administration helps Baker to his feet. Bayless then approaches:

Bayless: So what is your plan for me to overtake Stackhouse and his guys? I want my office back. 
Baker: Well, first thing, Brock Lesnar is a lazy fuck
Bayless: What does that have to do with my problem?
Baker: Sorry. Here is the deal: Obviously, Stackhouse is a disturbed mother fucker. Naturally, we overtake them and make the Covenant our manservants so Stackhouse feels like such a little bitch that he dresses like a woman and moves into a cabin
Bayless: Um………………………….
Baker: After that, we brutalize the Covenant and stomp them all into the ground. After a while, Stackhouse will come back and then we murder him. 
Bayless: Look, I just want my office back. Just focus on that please. 
Baker: Okay, I can rape Stephanie McMahon then have Randy Orton be your bitch
Bayless: JUST GIVE ME MY OFFICE BACK!!!!! AND NO RAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
Joe Dust vs. Night81

Night and Joe lock up to start. Joe acts aggressively as he tosses Night to the corner. Joe chops Night then chokes him out in the corner. Joe knocks Night outside and sends him into the guardrail. Joe now rolls Night back inside and starts choking away as the ref gives him until five to break and he does. Joe sends Night into the corner but eats boot on a charge. Night collects himself  and comes back with a missile dropkick. Night gets nearfalls with a tornado DDT and a backbreaker. Night heads back up top but Joe shoves the referee into the ropes as Night gets cut off then Joe picks up Night for a Death Valley Driver for the win. Joe then grabs the mic:

“At the BoD Rumble, I will teach all of you just exactly how wonderful I am when I win the BoD Rumble.”

And now lets hear from Hart Killer 09:

“Kaptain Kiwi, your hair is so greasy and you cry so much that I am surprised you do not have brothers named Smith, Bruce, and Keith. But, when you get a shot at my title, it will be the one and only shot you have because much like Garea vs. 1986, you will lose. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Earlier today, we caught up with Kaptain Kiwi and Tony Garea, who has returned to America. They are getting lunch at a deli:

Garea: Ya gotta get training son. Ye got a BoD Rumble qualifying match next week against Bobby, the true shooter of the BoD. Ya gotta train my boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waiter: What can I get you to drink?
Kiwi: Just a water please
Garea: I’ll take some whole milk and a can of Anchor Cheese on the side
Waiter: What is Anchor Cheese?
Garea: (angry) What da fuck do ya mean “what is Anchor Cheese?” I outta snap the biggest branch off ya mother’s kiwifruit tree and smack you off of the head. 
Waiter: (scared) I don’t order the food for the restaurant
Garea: (angrier) I outta rip ya nuts off and slap ’em upside ya head. NOW GET ME SOME ANCHOR CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(waiter runs away petrified)
Kiwi: What was that
Garea: That, my boy, was the intensity you need to win the BoD Rumble. NEXT WEEK, SHOW ME THAT INTENSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jef Vinson is backstage with his valet. Here is what he says about his match tonight:

“Cultstatus, ever since I stepped foot into BoD RAW, I have been met with obstacles. I have had a GM do everything in his power to hold me down, but he failed. I got robbed of the BoD Heavyweight Title but not because I failed. This is the road I must traverse in order to get to the top. I never careed for the easy way. I don’t take shortcuts or partake in drugs and alcohol. I care for myself, I take pride in my craft. And if you think you convinced me that you are unbeatable, then you have failed. Tonight, I become victorious before I win the BoD Rumble. 

BoD Rumble Qualifying Match
Adam Curry vs. Zanatude w/ Job Mob

Zanatude tries to attack Curry with one of his many championship belts but misses then Curry slams Zanatude into the corner and hits him with a Michinoku Driver. Warne and Cabs hold back Murph and Chartock as Curry heads up top and hits the Shooting Star Press for the win. Curry celebrates but Murph breaks free and attacks him from behind but Curry fights back and these two are now brawling all over the ring. White Coat Security runs in to break up the melee.

Next week, Prime Time Ten makes his return in a BoD Rumble Qualifying Match. And a new team will be making it’s debut as Art Vandelay & Marv Cresto will be in action. Plus, clips of the Job Mob bash at the palms in Vegas, funded by Biff Kensington III

Also next week, the debut of the hit song, “BoD Rumble”

BoD Rumble Qualifying Match

Dancin’ Devin Harris vs. WWF1987

TIME TO GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WWF1987 attacks the DDH before the bell. He stomps away but gets an Irish whip reversed and ends up getting caught with a powerslam. Harris then drops a funky elbow for two. WWF1987 swings and misses as DDH hits a bionic elbow that sends WWF1987 to the floor. After a breather, WWF1987 cheapshots DDH and takes control of the match. WWF1987 does his best to ground the Funkmaster as the crowd rallies behind their favorite dancing black man of the BoD. Okay, that was racist. Anyway, WWF1987 heads up top but DDH gets up and slams him off as things are about to GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!! DDH fires away but from underneath the ring Bobby trips him up with his cowbell then WWF1987 hits the Dixie Dynamite for the win!!!!!! WWF1987 has earned himself a spot in the BoD Rumble.

Backstage, the Midcard Mafia are chatting.

Magoonie: So, we have a title shot at the BoD Rumble. 
Ferrari: That’s awesome. I am covering the Albany Medical Center Med Surge Floor Connect Four tournament the night before so I might be late to the show. 
Magoonie: Well, if you are late I can’t go alone. 
Ferrari: Hold off the show so I can wrestle
Piers: Well, I think I might be cleared by then so if you are late, then I can take your place. 
Ferrari: Piers, I like you but stay on the sidelines and rest up. I can take care of it. 
Piers: Well you need to show up and help take care of the rent-a-car fund. A Toyota Yaris doesnt pay for itself. 
Ferrari: Listen, don’t get jealous because I get my transportation comped. Not my fault I am a big deal in upstate New York Journalism. 
Piers: Not jealous at all my man. Just be focused. 
Ferrari: Don’t you worry about that. I will be. 

And now the debut of the Danimal Report live from the BoD Event Center:

We got the BoD Rumble in two weeks. Lots of bros, cocksuckers, and at the end of the day I will be disgusted by half of you. Also, I have to eat my BLT quick as law enforcement are at my house for sending death threats to Sheamus. Here are the competitors so far: 

Bill Ray
Jef Vinson
The Fuj
GM Bayless
Curtis Williams
Andy PG
“Mr. WCW” Chris F-B
The Brazilian Kid
Hart Killer 09
“Marvelous” Matt Perri
Joe Dust
Adam Curry

Cultstatus vs. Jef Vinson

Vinson beat Cultstatus for the belt at SummerSlam only to lose it to Jobber after a controversial decision by GM Bayless to call for the match. Cult stares down Vinson, who does not budge. Cult shoves Vinson, who shoves him right back then they start brawling. Cult backdrops Vinson, who lands on his feet and tries a kick but that gets blocked and they end in a stalemate as the crowd applauds. They lockup as Cult backs Vinson into the corner and chops away. Vinson returns the favor as these two are even so far into the matchup. Cult catches Vinson off of a crossbody attempt and hits a backbreaker that gets two. Vinson is on the ground as Cult takes control of the match. Cult drops an elbow then slams Vinson back down on the mat. He whips Vinson against the ropes but misses a clothesline and Vinson comes back with a jumping back elbow smash. Vinson hits a dropkick then a flying knee smash. Vinson charges into the corner but Cult greets him with a big boot. Cult heads over to Vinson but from the stands comes Parallax as he runs in and attacks Cult for the DQ. Parallax takes Cult outside as Vinson gets up but is now met by Kensington Enterprises as they are attacking him. What is going on here? theberzerker is screaming HUSS! as Hoss chokeslams Vinson down on the mat. Parallax is outside and whacks Cult with a chair then sets up for the curbstomp but Big Dirty Murph runs out and stops that. He is still mad about Bod Survivor Series. The bell is ringing as Kensington Enterprises and the Job Mob stands tall.