Michael Cole & Byron Saxton are the guys on the mics…
The Usos start us off because this show can’t start without them these days.
MATCH #1: The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Gold & Stardust (non-title)
The Miz, Damien Miz-dow, Los Matadores and El Torito are all doing commentary. Cole shoots a Selfie with El Torito. Miz and Saxton tell him to knock it off. Everyone argues. It’s one of these kinds of nights. Gold and Jimmy start and it’s a slight slap-fight to begin. Jimmy gets knocked from the ring and Jimmy rolls him up quickly for two. Star tags in while the Matadors talk like Speedy Gonzales on Cocaine. Star gets dumped from the ring. So does Gold. They go for Dual Flying Usos but the Dusts back off. The Dusts head backstage but the Usos chase. Miz speaks Spanish horribly while the Matadors grunt shit at him loudly. Usos do their Rockers bit on Star back in the ring. Jimmy hits an elbow on Star off a Whip and gets two. Tag to Jey. He tosses Star to the corner but Star kicks Jey in the face when he charges. Star chokes Jey. Gold slaps him. Jey chases. Star interrupts and knocks Jey down outside. Thankfully, we go to break.
The Dusts still control things when we come back. Star hits Jey in the back after tossing him into the ropes. Cole makes Torito twerk. Saxton apologizes to Miz. Oh, sweet jeebus, please just cut to the next match already. Gold tags in and he hits a headlock on Jey. Gold tosses Jey into Star. Both men fall outside the ring. Jey hits a hot tag to Jimmy. Gold tags Star and Jimmy hits a Samoan Drop after some chops. Gold tries to interfere and gets an Enzuguri. Gold rolls out of the ring and it’s a Flying Uso. Star nails Jimmy off the top rope and gets two. He runs at Jimmy who uppercuts Star and it’s a Corkscrew Moonsault. Gold comes in and hits a Spinbuster. Jey takes him out. Star tries Dark Matter but gets nailed with a Superkick, followed by the Superfly Splash for the win at 8:55.
WINNERS: The Usos via Superfly Splash
RATING: **. The end of the thing saved it but the commentary just killed the rest.
TONIGHT: Jack Swagger will face Bray Wyatt.
ALSO: We will get a review of the LONG, LONG, LOOOOONG lead-up to Survivor Series.
ON SMACKDOWN: Dean Ambrose’s “Survival Kit”, if you care.
AT SURVIVOR SERIES: There will be a “Divas Traditional Elimination Match”. Nattie, Alicia Fox, Emma and Naomi will face Cameron, Paige, Summer and Rosa, I guess.
MATCH #2: Paige vs. Alicia Fox
This feud STILL EXISTS! Some dropkicks by Fox to lead things off, followed by a Spinning Backbreaker and two count. Botched Irish Whip reversal and some careless wandering and Paige hits an awkward kick, getting two. Paige chokes Fox in the corner, then hits Body Scissors. Paige hits a high kick to Fox and gets a two count. Paige knees Fox in the head repeatedly, then climbs on top of her, practically humping her. Fox reverses this and gets a pin at 3:43.
WINNER: Alicia Fox
RATING: 1/4*, if that.
Renee Young’s Guest at This Time are Adam Rose and the Special Bus plus Bunny. Young recalls when Bunny tried to hump Adam Rose. Thanks for that. Rose says that Bunny has issues. He tells the Bunny not to hump him. Seriously. He says that Bunny was useless and aimless and dirty before Rose found him. He saved Bunny like all his other Rosebuds. So he’s a “God” now. This is an unfortunate storyline.
MATCH #3: Tyson Kidd & Natalya vs. Adam Rose & Bunny in an “Interspeicies Tag Team Match”
This is billed like it’s something new. You know, except for Torito and Hornswoggle in the Gator suit. Bunny is up against Nattie to start. Tyson tags himself in, instead. He asks for a kiss, which Nattie gives him because fuck women. Rose tags himself in and that’s one minute of my life gone. OMG, Rose and Kidd go for a test of strength and we’re at 2 minutes with no action whatsoever. Rose talks to Bunny. Tyson talks Nattie. FINALLY, Kidd starts beating on Rose, stomping at him in the corner. He slingshots Rose’s head into the bottom turnbuckle and hits a swinging neckbreaker for two. Rose begins fighting back and hits a Sleeper which Kidd immediately breaks. Bunny tags himself in and he hits a dropkick off the ropes. He hops all over Kidd in the corner, which causes Kidd to roll out of the ring. Bunny tells Kidd to get into the ring and holds the ropes for him. Kidd his an Enzuguri, then the Sharpshooter. Bunny begs Rose for help but Rose just smiles at him and Bunny taps at 4:47.
WINNER: Kidd & Nattie
I simply have nothing to say. There’s no reason I should be seeing any of this.
We get the Team Cena/Team Authority recap.
Cole tells us we won’t see Sheamus at Survivor Series because he has a stinger in his arm and narrowing of the spinal cord and a compression of the neck. Ugh.
Bray comes out and it’s blah, blah, blah, neglect, blah, blah, blah, redemption, blah, blah, blah, sin. He’s mad because Ambrose attacked him. We go to break before the match.
We have a Macho Man documentary on WWE Network! 😀
MATCH #4: Bray Wyatt vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter)
Bray sits in the corner. Like Raven. Then he does Spider Mode early. Swagger doesn’t give a shit. Wyatt clubs at Swagger, then kicks him. Swagger hits a Belly to Belly on a comeback, then knees Bray in the gut in the corner. Swagger continues to beat on Wyatt but Bray fights back and tosses him from the ring. Bray absolutely takes Swagger’s head off with a huge clothesline, then tosses him back in the ring and uppercuts him. He taunts Colter, grinning at him, then puts Swagger in a reverse headlock. Swagger fights free but Bray won’t let go and hits a snap suplex and Reverse Senton. Two count. Wyatt puts Swagger in a headlock. Swagger breaks with a Side Suplex. He hits a huge clothesline and Big Boot. Swagger Bomb gets two. Swagger goes for a Spinebuster but Wyatt counters, then runs into Swagger’s Patriot Lock. Wyatt breaks it and hits an elbow on a run. He goes for Sister Abigail because Swagger can’t move all of the sudden. Bray wins at 5:23.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt via Sister Abigail
RATING: **. Short but decent.
Bray “ravens” as we go off the air.
OVERALL: *. This was barely a show, glued together with shit.
Er, that’s it.