The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–12.04.95

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The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 12.04.95 You know, everyone kept telling me that since I loved Oz so much, I should probably watch Sons of Anarchy on Netflix because it’s similarly awesome. And while I believed them, I think the problem is that they didn’t stress it strongly enough with me and follow through with making sure I actually sat down and watched it because I rolled through the first 3 episodes this weekend and HOLY FUCK I LOVE THIS FUCKING SHOW. This show, not so much. Taped from Richmond, VA Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler The British Bulldog v. Bob Holly Holly evades the Bulldog and puts him down with a slam and some clotheslines, and he works the arm to control. Bulldog escapes with a press slam and pounds away, but Holly counters the delayed suplex with a small package for two. Bulldog hits it on a second try and goes to the chinlock, but Holly fights out. Bulldog with a clothesline and legdrop for two, but Holly fights back with a dropkick for two. The ten punches in the corner get two. Holly goes up the middle rope, but gets caught in the powerslam and pinned at 5:08. Bulldog doesn’t come off as any kind of main event threat at this point and was basically booked like a midcarder, so it’s no wonder his PPV shots bombed. *1/2 Meanwhile, Bob Backlund wants to be God again and chicken-wing the plebians into submission. Now there’s an election campaign you don’t hear every day. Still not as crazy as the Tea Party or half the stuff Sean Morley posts to Facebook, amirite? Bob keeps ranting until the director literally holds up a sign saying “Go To Break” on camera and they cut off his mic. Fatu v. The Brooklyn Brawler Brawler uses his array of stomps to start, but Fatu makes a difference with an Ace Crusher and finishes with the flying splash at 1:20. Something something Kim Kardashian joke here. Meanwhile, Bob Backlund procures the chicken-wing on the sound engineer. Never let it be said that Vince isn’t afraid to beat a dead horse into the ground and then dig up the corpse and lay another beating on it. Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Dean Douglas According to the WON, this was filmed at the end of the taping as a dark match and then repurposed into a TV match for whatever reason. Douglas attacks and uses the IC belt on Ramon to take control, but Razor catches him with a blockbuster slam and puts him on the floor. Back in, Ramon with an armbar, but Douglas goes to work on the back to take over. Vince notes that Dean is having back problems of his own, and in fact that injury brought his WWF career to an end for good soon after. And I think everyone was happier as a result. We take a break and return with Douglas going up with a flying bodypress, but Ramon rolls through for two. And then he just decides to finish this with the Razor’s Edge at 6:27. So unless he did something else notable between here and introducing Buddy Landell at the PPV, that’s how Douglas ended his WWF career, on the ass-end of getting squashed by Ramon. *1/2 Brother Love with King Mabel, as Love introduces Sir Mo, who is wheeling out a vandalized Undertaker casket for the match at the PPV. Sid v. Marty Jannetty Marty attacks to start and gets some offense on the mat, but Sid quickly pounds him down and slugs away in the corner. Blind charge hits boot and Marty fires off a Buff Blockbuster for two, and we take a break. Back with Sid destroying him with a clothesline to actually draw a face pop, and then he does it again because Marty flipping around like a gymnast was the one thing that could make Sid look good at this point. Sid with the chinlock and he tosses Marty, who flies over the top like he was shot out of a cannon. Never let it be said that Jannetty didn’t understand his role. This draws out the Kid to attack Jannetty, and Ramon makes the save, so the match is a wash at 7:11. You’d think Sid couldn’t possibly look any less motivated, but here we are. * Next week: Bret Hart v. Bob Backlund…again. We wrap things up with an interview with Dr. Unger, who is apparently Shawn’s personal physician. Is that personal physician like in the Dr. Zahorian sense? Apparently Shawn developed nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, slurred speech and depression. OK, but how would you know if he’s concussed? That just sounds like an average Saturday for Shawn at that point. Dr. Unger declares that Shawn is, medically speaking, brain-damaged and probably shouldn’t return to the ring. EVER. I gotta say, guys, this sounds pretty serious. So serious that Vince does a video essay about how we put our WWF superstars on a pedestal, but they’re really human beings who feel pain, just like us. Well, I mean, they’re not so human as to justify medical benefits to help with that pain or employee status so they can get outside health insurance. But they’re human, regardless. This show sucks.