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The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–10.30.95

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 10.30.95 Hey, we’re finally back. Although only one episode added to the archives this time instead of the three that they’ve been doing. I give up trying to understand them. I JUST WANNA FUCKING FINISH THIS SHITTY YEAR AND GO BACK TO NITRO, OK? This is a special Halloween themed episode, which means EXTRA terrible puns. Taped from Brandon, MB Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler Goldust v. Savio Vega Minor but annoying note: At this point, the “Tubular Bells” ripoff theme just loops the initial portion endlessly, rather than the extended version that became the norm later. Goldust attacks and pounds him in the corner, but Vega fires back before missing a dropkick. Speaking of Goldust, how shall I phrase this delicately…he’s not wearing a cup and his wang is very prominent through his tights. If you know what I mean. Goldust works the arm and it’s weird to see him in the original yellow tights rather than the more flashy gold ones he later adopted to better effect. Really, everything about the character at this point screams “work in progress”, and we take a break with Goldust working on the arm. Back with Goldust cutting off a comeback, but he misses a charge and Savio makes the comeback as Vince supposes that Goldust will be a box office flop! Well, he’d be the expert on THAT. Vega misses a charge, hits the ringpost, and Goldust gets the weak pin at 7:49. The canned heat was pretty overbearing here and Dustin was still far from where he needed to be. * Survivor Series Slam Jam with Dok Hendrix and a shitload of caffeine. Bret Hart v. Diesel will be no DQ, no countout, no time limit! Meanwhile, Barry Horowitz settles his cultural differences with Hakushi via Karate Fighters. Marty Jannetty v. Joe Dorgan Dorgan gets some offense in the corner, but Marty puts him down with a monkey flip and fistdrop before hitting the chinlock. Corner clothesline and another chinlock as Marty seems to have forgotten how to call a squash. Flying fistdrop finishes at 2:42. Jim Cornette introduces his official legal counsel, Clarence Mason, and he’s very litigious. Apparently the contract stated that the winner of the Diesel v. Bulldog match would get Bret Hart at Survivor Series, and since Bulldog won by DQ, he should have that match. That’s odd reasoning. Regardless, they’d use that to justify Bulldog’s title shot in December. The Smoking Gunns v. Phil Apollo & Joe Rashner Usual Gunns squash and they finish Apollo with the Sidewinder at 3:00, as the Kid challenges them to a rematch sometime soon. For some reason Vince kept referring to Phil Apollo as “Otis”. Must be some weird Vince joke I’m missing. Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Owen Hart Razor dumps Owen with a clothesline and works on the arm. I think WWE.com should do a ranking of Razor’s gear at some point, because he’s got the purple and yellow set tonight and I think it might be his best. I know the latest Countdown show is “Best ring gear” because apparently they’re already running out of ideas and/or recycled talking heads, so clearly this is a topic that could be explored further. Owen cheats and makes a comeback, but Ramon lays him out with the blockbuster slam and goes back to the arm again. This brings out Yokozuna and Jim Cornette goes running to cry to him about a phantom eye injury delivered by Ramon. That’s pretty great. We take a break and return with Razor still working the arm, but Owen finally tosses him to take over. Baseball slide into the railing and Owen follows with a missile dropkick for two and chokes him out on the ropes. Razor tries a comeback and Owen cuts him off with a neckbreaker and goes up with a flying legdrop for two and we suddenly take another break. Did you know that the WWF is coming to the E.A. Diddle Arena in Bowling Green, KY sometime in 1995? And yet they haven’t done a show here in Saskatoon since Alberto Del Rio was champion in 2011. Back with Ramon making the comeback with the middle rope backdrop suplex and we take ANOTHER abrupt break out of nowhere, returning with Yokozuna breaking up the Razor’s Edge for the DQ at, I dunno, call it 15:00 after all the ridiculous ad breaks added in. Honestly, the match was hacked to pieces by all the breaks and you could barely follow the finish. ** Yoko and Owen try the heel beatdown, but Ahmed Johnson saves and bodyslams the shit out of Yokozuna like it ain’t no thang. No wonder this guy was Vince’s wet dream. Next week: Bret Hart & Hakushi v. Jerry Lawler & Isaac Yankem! There is nothing on this week’s upcoming schedule to indicate that another episode is being uploaded anytime soon, so I guess we’ll continue this thrilling narrative at some undetermined point in the future.