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Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 7 – “The Double Cross”

Welcome back for the second half of our Total Divas Doubleheader. (MATT: NOT a euphemism.)
Last episode, of course, was dedicated to Eva Marie and Jon’s
bachelor/ette party in Curacao, Mexico. In this episode, we got to see
differences in how our group of Divas had fun and celebrated.

  • To Nattie, such a getaway meant a good time to get away and have a
    romantic time reconnecting with her husband. Unfortunately, TJ’s concept
    of romance and connection was feeding ostriches at a farm and not
    banging the shit out of her when she brought up the idea. (MATT: Let that sink in for a moment: he actually researched things to do in Curacao and chose to visit an Ostrich Farm.)
  • Brie lost her luggage and had to make do with her sister’s clothing
    and persistent badgering. She did drink some but, for the most part,
    wanted to think about her husband at home and how to decorate that home.
    Nikki kept lamenting the loss of her sister (or rather the loss of her
    sister as her co-conspirator in getting drunk and acting silly) and may
    have made some personal growth in recognizing they are just very
    different women who (as Nikki said herself in the first season) she
    wouldn’t be friends with if they weren’t sisters.
  • Cameron, as usual, didn’t have much time for Vincent, though she did
    want to drag him away on this excursion. Though she barely spent time
    with him on the vacation, she did decide to house hunt with him after he
    made his feelings about their relationship known. Since Nikki is the
    only real estate agent they know (plot contrivance), she asked Nikki to
    be her realtor.

And, now…part 2 of our Divas Doubleheader…still booze-free…

TAMPA, FL

Natty and Rosa’s Rental Car
The ladies refuse help from the hotel valets with their luggage as they’re “strong girls”. (MATT: Rosa uses two hands and barely gets her case into the car. STRONG!)
They also don’t appear to tip, maybe they realized they forgot to get
cash for such occassions, which happens to me all the time as I usually
pay for things with a debit card. Natalya hears a buzzing sound coming
from Rosa’s bag. She turns 4 shades of red and says it’s her “electric
toothbrush”. Nattie tells Rosa to pull over so they can investigate.
Natty pulls out Rosa’s vibrator which Rosa says she “used this morning”.
(MATT: That makes it all better.) Natty, who is in Prude Mode (MATT: Doesn’t want to know that she masturbates like every other woman on the planet?)
following her horny streak in Curacao, declares that this is “too
intense” and says she “doesn’t need to know this much about her”.  She
asks for a baby wipe but Rosa claims she “washed it”. (MATT: Every
single week, I say, “Maybe I’ll be surprised and Total Divas will be
good. Every single week, I do this. Why do I do it? Why? WHY???)

Titles.

TAMPA, FL


John and Nikki’s House
Nikki is excited for the movie she’s
in called, “Confessions of a Womanizer”. John jokes he has a small
part, she says he does not. (MATT: They are talking about penises…right?)

Limousine
In
the car, Nikki tells John that “he likes penis jokes”, so he’ll “like
the comedy in the movie.” He doesn’t know what else to say except,
“Thank you.” (MATT: I know I’ll be the first one in line for this masterpiece of American cinema…)

The Palladium
They
show up at the red carpet premiere with director, Miguel Ali. Naomi
shows up (via invite) and Nikki says she’s excited — this is the first
thing she’s been in. Nikki is stoked, saying that it’s a thrill to “play
somebody else, a whole new character”. Then we get a look at her
“character”: a superficial valley girl who verbally harasses guys she
thinks are beneath her and twirls her gum.

(MATT: Pictured – “Somebody Else”)

There are a ton of empty seats in the
theater as John and Nikki watch the film and, somehow, the audience
laughs at “jokes” like, “Just because we’re twins doesn’t mean I wanna
fuck my sister.” Nikki says that this role makes her happy and that she
can see “more movies in her future”.

(MATT: Pictured – “Happiness”)

Rosa and Natalya’s Hotel Room
(MATT: Pre-emptive solution: why doesn’t Nattie just stop bunking and hanging around with Rosa? I know that WWE told her to babysit…but Rosa certainly didn’t need a handler while Nattie was off in Curacao, did she?) Nattie picks on her for wearing a white tank top and shorts. (MATT:
Why are we still seeing Divas shaming clothing choices? What is the
point of that? They’re all basically nude when they go to the ring.)
Nattie says Rosa looks like she’s going to a nudist colony. Rosa says she likes to show off skin.

Rosa and Nattie’s Rental Car
Rosa
and Nattie watch as a fire truck crosses the intersection in front of
them. Rosa says that that the firemen inside are probably cute. (MATT: Sound familiar, Danielle?) Nattie
is still locked in Prude Mode and asks what Rosa means. Rosa says
hasn’t had sex in a year and a month and that she’s “on the hunt”.
Judging from the last few episodes, it’s been a long time for Nattie,
too. However, Rosa says she’s looking for a guy to be
“well-endowed”…and a guy who is willing to wait a bit. Wait…what?
You either you want to get it hard fast and now or you don’t. (MATT:
She practically dry humps every single Diva she sees and eye-fucks every
dude in front of her. As Andy PG said: This show…this fucking show.)

Nattie, practically advocating male dominance and female submission,
says that guys don’t want to “sit around and play Monopoly”. Rosa
counters and says the wrong kind of relationship could make her want to
drink again. She’s scared to date and she wants to meet her future
husband, she tells the camera. Nattie tells her she’ll know when she
meets the right guy. (MATT: Just like Nattie did! Uh, wait…)

Central Avenue Oyster Bar (Restaurant)
After
the premiere, John tells Nikki, “Take me to dinner, movie star.” They
toast her success. Nikki is really proud of her role, but also proud of
her husband who just landed a role in Judd
Apatow’s upcoming film, “Trainwreck”. She says that the cast is
“unreal”. (MATT: If you consider Judd Apatow, Tilda Swinton, the dude
from African-Spielberg pirate flick, and a bunch of SNL rejects,
comedians, a hip hop artist and LeBron James “unreal”, that is.)

John looks a touch pensive and asks if she would ever be naked on film.
She says she would not and says, off-camera, that “the girls” are for
her man and she wouldn’t show them. However, she’s ok with implied
nudity, such as a shot of her back when she’s topless. He keeps prodding
and asks would she ever do a sex scene, but she says she will only do a
sex scene with John. He asked an awful lot of questions. Just what is
in his movie? (MATT: Well, the film doesn’t really have details yet, but it–.) Did he do full frontal? (MATT: Well, I don’t kn–.) Does he have a graphic sex scene? (MATT: I really don’t thi–.) Is this movie a porno? (MATT: Why do we suddenly have advance tickets, Danielle? DANIELLE???) 

ORLANDO, FL

Brick House Tavern + Tap (Restaurant)
Nattie
goes to meet Naomi for lunch as Naomi did not go to Eva Marie’s
bachelorette party in Curacao. We see “highlights” from the party in
Curacao which was comprised of Nattie being miserable 95 percent of the
time. Naomi asks if she’s considered marriage counseling. She admits
they tried sex therapy, which was bad for TJ, but not regular therapy.
She says the sex therapy scarred him. (MATT: The only “scars” you should have after sex therapy are nail marks in your fucking back.) Nattie: “TJ says I’m such a control freak But I feel like my way is the right way”. Naomi grimaces.

TAMPA, FL

John’s Car
Nikki
asks if John is excited about his movie. He says that he is and that he
plays Amy Schumer’s boyfriend who is over obsessive. He says there’s a
sex scene involved — and Nikki’s expression changes. Needless to say,
she’s not quite happy. Then, to make matters worse, he says it has
“partial nudity” — but just his butt. She tells the camera that Cena is
her man and that it may be “just an ass” but that it’s “her ass”. She
says she feels like he kept that from her. John: “I didn’t keep it from
you — we’re talking about it.(MATT: Shut up, John. It’s no fun when you destroy this show’s bullshit with actual logical thinking.) He
says he apologizes for not telling her immediately. She says that this
was a decision they both should have made and that he has to be naked
with somebody and pretend that they’re attracted to one another. He says
it’s one sex scene. She says he’s choosing that over “their
relationship”. Cena: “No…you’re putting our relationship on the line over this.”) (MATT: SHUT UP, JOHN!! STOP THINKING!!) Nikki: “Why don’t you ask other women and see if they’d like their men to be in sex scenes.” (MATT: So, he should ask all the men who have done sex scenes if their women wanted them do that?) Cena says that maybe he’s not with the right woman.

After a break, SexGate continues. Nikki says it’s “weird to fake fuck somebody”. Cena
calls her insecure. Nikki says she’s not insecure and that she’s
concerned about him. She says that he’s gonna be with somebody else. He
tells her “it’s a production” and that it isn’t real at all. (MATT: Didn’t Nikki pretend to be fake-fucking Daniel Bryan at one point?)
Nikki pushes the narrative, again, that Cena “hid this from her” and
then says they “never discuss stuff because they’re not married”. (MATT: You have to be “married” to talk about things?) Nikki
turns on the water works and starts crying, saying that they need to
have a real relationship but she’s not in one. She’s just that girl who
“signed the paper and lives in John Cena’s house”. (MATT: She’s just NOW realizing this?)
He says if Nikki feels like crap because he doesn’t tell her every
single thing, then everything they’ve been through has been pointless.

CLEVELAND, OH

Hotel Room
Nattie
asks Rosa how their matches were during their recent shows in the area.
Rosa says that she “gave Eva her body to work with”. Rosa says she’s
going out to lunch with one of the Cleveland Browns. Nattie calls the
dude a “meathead”. (MATT: Yet, she’s still got a better deal than Nattie.)

Zocalo (Restaurant)
Rosa
has lunch with Cleveland Brown Gary Barnidge. They compare diets. He
likes the Queso dip at the place but she says that would add “cottage
cheese to her ass”. He says he can eat anything because his workouts
dump a ton of calories. Rosa says she has a nicer ass than most of the
younger girls in the locker room. She seems to hit it off and tells the
camera that she was “picturing him with his clothes off”. (MATT: How is that different than all the other people she meets in her daily life?)

TAMPA, FL

John & Nicole’s House

Nikki
has invited her brother and her Mom to their house for the first time.
She mentions the movie and that Cena has a sex scene. Brie and her Mom
and slightly outraged — while Nikki’s brother simply asked, “Didn’t you
do a story where you and Brie were making out with Daniel Bryan?” Nikki
confirms that this happened but says that “kissing is different”. (MATT: Oh, I can’t wait to hear the hypocritical bullshit that’s about to fly from her mouth here.) She says that kissing is different because you “don’t use tongue and stuff”. (MATT: OH…COME…ON.) Her
family talks her off the ledge and Nikki can’t believe it. She says
that Cena should have talked about with her. Brie agrees. Then they talk
about the time they asked their Dad to take them to see “Booty Call”.
Then they laugh. (MATT: For what reason? How does this wrap anything up?)

Marriage Counselor
Nattie
and TJ are seeing a marriage counselor. She says she knows their
marriage can improve which is why they’re there. Nattie tells the
counselor that they’re not on the same page and that they see each other
once a week. TJ says that she’s too focused on work when she comes
home. The counselor asks how he feels about things. He says some of it
sucks and some of it doesn’t. He says he sees more positives in not
going on the road all the time.. Nattie says that this will create more
space. She says that TJ is one of the best wrestlers in the world. She
says she feels emptiness and she feels alone. TJ is forced to admit
this.

WWE NXT Gym
Nattie talks with Ryan
Katz, WWE Producer, about developing a new character for TJ. She admits
on camera she wants to get in his body and do his work for hm because he
isn’t doing what she wants.

HOUSTON, TX for Monday Night RAW


Ringside
Brie is in the ring to continue her storyline feud with Stephanie McMahon where Brie demands the SummerSlam match with Steph. (MATT: And that’s it. We already saw this. Why can’t we have ome behind-the-scenes stuff about that?)

Backstage

Rosa meets Gary Barnidge backstage. She says Gary is the first person she has ever brought backstage. (MATT: I kinda doubt that…) She
introduces Gary to Summer and Nattie. It turns out Summer has met him
before. Nattie nearly gets into it with Summer and excuses herself and
Rosa gets called away for an interview. Summer continues talking to Gary
and flirts with him. summer tells how she used to play football for the
Legends Football League. (MATT: An oddly named league considering it’s little more than a T&A fest with no “legends” to speak of.) She
talks about how intense the league was and tells the camera that she
likes Gary because he’s attractive and they have so much in common. (MATT:
Can’t wait to use that excuse: “Well, she was hot and we both are from
San Jose and we both use Tablets to get our writing done!”)
Summer tells him that they should go find Rosa.

Meat & Potatoes (Restaurant)

Nikki
is out for a “girl’s night”, sans Brie. Nattie, Eva and Cameron all
come along. She says she’s there to just have fun, relax, and not think
about Cena’s sex scene. She asks what the girls think of the situation
with John. (MATT: If you’re trying to “forget about it”, why the fuck are you bringing it up?!) None of the girls like the idea — especially Nattie who acts like Cena’s cheating on her. (MATT: I’m so tired of Nattie. Seriously.) Nikki has a smirk on her face, knowing she’s in good company. (MATT: Yeah, reveling in creating a mob mentality.) Nattie
tells Nikki that she often gets into character — and that means
physically as well. Nikki says she needs a whole bottle of wine while
Nattie wonders if Cena will get an erection during filming. Nikki
doesn’t look happy. Nattie tells her that she needs to put her foot
down. (MATT: WWE Divas: giving women a bad reputation one episode at a time.)

ORLANDO, FL

WWE Performance Center (Gym)
Rosa
meets Summer and laughs at a guy making intense grunting noises while
lifting weights. Rosa says that Paige told her that Rosa makes sex
noises when she lifts. Rosa says she had no idea she did that because
she was wearing earphones. Rosa says she can now understand why she gets
stared at in the gym. (MATT: She is like a living, breathing Mariah Carey poster. Nothing but ego and self-flattery.) She
tells Summer that she sent Gary a text and he took an hour to reply.
Summer says that isn’t bad. Rosa says “He’s talking to Rosa Mendes.
That’s bad.” (MATT: Fucking hell. Cut away to anything! PLEASE!) Therefore,
she says, he’s playing hard to get. Really? What if, during that hour,
he fell asleep? Had to be driving? Had an emergency? That’s hardly
enough to decide someone is playing hard to get. Rosa says that he
better look at her with hungry eyes on the date. (MATT: On a second date?!) Rosa needs him to fall in love with her. Summer says Rosa is like a woman on Oprah who has a full wedding book but no groom.

Cafeteria
Nikki
is still upset about John’s sex scene. Nikki says that he doesn’t
deserve her constantly getting in his face about it. She says that she
wants to be cool with it and wishes she could shut off the way she
feels. (MATT: I kid you not, here are the things she wishes she could
say: “Hey, stomach! Don’t get in knots! Hey! Don’t be upset!” And my
favorite: “Hey, blood! Why are you boiling right now?” That last one
sounds like a gang member asking another gang member what he’s
cooking.) 
Brie says that John is the first good guy she has dated.
Nikki says he’s been burned in weird ways: their father left with
another woman when they were young. Eva Marie says he’s been trustworthy
and that she needs to trust Cena. Nikki says that she’s taking out her
past frustrations on him. Nattie tries to make it all better by telling
Nikki the girl won’t brush her teeth before she kisses him.

TAMPA, FL


Nattie & TJ’s House
Natalya and TJ went to therapy. They had one visit and they did well, making a lot of progress So she moved back in. (MATT: One visit?!) TJ
comes in and says he doesn’t want to go back. TJ says they would be
like hamsters in  a wheel on the couch. Nattie tells the camera, “You
can’t make progress in one visit!” (MATT: WHAT?! She moved back in after one visit citing good progress! FUUUUUUUUCK!!!) She
starts crying and he mocks her for it. He says that everythng is fine.
He tells Nattie that her issues are her own. He’s not going back.

Ember (Restaurant)
Rosa
is meeting Gary Barnidge for her second date she tells him they spent
hours in a gym. At lunch, she finds he isn’t drinking and, when
questioned, tells him she was in rehab. She hasn’t been in a
relationship in a year because she was “paranoid of guys” (MATT: Run, Gary. NOW.) She says that wants to be with her soul mate and doesn’t want to have fun, then says she needs “a lot of attention”. (MATT: NOW, GARY. GO!) She
says she will wait until she’s in love to be intimate. He tells her she
has too many guidelines to have one guy meet them and, when the
waitress comes over a moment later to see if they need anything else,
just asks for the check. My guess is their relationship, what little it
was, is over. (MATT: I dunno…I can see a future there…)

NEW YORK, NY

WWE Mommy Blog Event
Nattie
does the event, taking photos with kids and signing autographs, then
bumps into Darren Young. She tells him that she’s gonna go have dinner
later and that he should come.

Serendipity (Restaurant)
Nattie
says she is having a night out on the town with Darren Young, takes a
selfie with him and then says that it’s nice to have somebody to vent
to. When they get to the restaurant, the Paparazzi is there. She shows
off Darren — but the guy with the camera asks where TJ is. Nattie says
TJ is good and that they’re “not divorced yet”. Darren looks a little
awkward. Nattie asks Darren how he felt about that. Apparently, she told
the guy “don’t tell TJ” by complete accident. The cameraman’s reply
was, “I don’t wanna get my ass kicked!” Darren doesn’t look at all comfy
with it.

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant
Nikki
is out with John for lunch. He says it was a great experience filming
his movie and Nikki says that she is proud of him for getting the job
and opens up about having been cheated on and how things were with her
Dad leaving. He counters and apologizes, telling her that she has every
right to feel that way and says he should have told her about the scene
sooner. She tells the camera this make them stronger they are taking the
next step in their relationship. (MATT: #NIKKIWINSLOL)

ORLANDO, FL

Summer’s car
she is primping while driving and then goes to a restaurant — to meet up with Gary. That was quick. (MATT: The editing was so slick here. It’s obvious that this was manufactured.)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie & TJ’s House
Nattie stayed an extra day in New York to have some “Nattie time”. (MATT: She’s always taking time off to be by herself. Am I insane here?)
TJ tells her that she should have told him. He’s pissed off about
telling the Paparazzi about their divorce. TJ says he’s hurt because she
never mentioned anything like that to him. He asks if she wants a
divorce. She says she doesn’t know what he wants anymore. She goes into
the bedroom and doesn’t come out.

FINAL RECAP

Danielle

This week’s hug goes to: Brie. Though she had barely any screen time, she got to stand toe to toe with Steph. That’s awesome.

This week’s punch goes to: TJ & Summer Rae (tie)
Really, TJ? You thought one session of marriage counseling was all you
needed to fix years of problems? Summer Rae – going after a coworker’s
intended b/f is low, even for a reality show peep.

Matt

This week’s hug goes to: John Cena. I’m
sorry. I don’t buy any of this storyline. I refuse to believe that
Nikki can flaunt her body, admit that she doesn’t wear underwear, act
more superficial than a Kardashian, make out with Daniel Bryan, pretend
she’s someone else…and then turn around and be jealous when Cena’s got
a sex scene in a movie. Cena, from what I’ve heard, has been around the
block, so this story is setting off my bullshit detector, big-time. 

Most annoying Diva of the Week: Nikki/Nattie/Rosa (tie) I
hate ties. But, holy shit. Nattie’s a fucking headcase. One moment,
she’s horny as fuck, the next she’s a prude. She chastises women for
what they wear and wears stuff that shows off her obviously fake boobs.
She says they made huge progress with a counseling sessions — then,
turns around and says no progress was made. PICK. A FUCKING. LANE. Nikki
is phony. I don’t like watching her. I hate hearing her talk. I hate
everything she does on this show. The phony “OMG CENA IN A SEX SCENE”
crocodile tears act made my stomach turn. This whole show has that
effect, but this took the cake. Finally, Rosa…what is she looking for
in a guy? Rich, well-hung, somebody who can spend money on her and take
care of her. Ugh. How are any of these girls appealing?

Er, that’s it…