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Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 6 – “Paint the Island Red”

In
our last episode, “Scared Straight”, several of our divas learned about
the lengths to which they or someone else would go to protect their
family:

  • Cameron, who gave up her career as
    Naomi’s valet so that she could train in NXT, took off time on a
    moment’s notice to fly across the country to help determine if her
    15-year-old delinquent brother was all right. Cameron found him hanging
    out with friends, smoking a bong that broke when she dropped it on a
    sidewalk, and arranged for the most stereotypical ex-gang members to
    perform an intervention. It worked, the brother returned home and agreed
    to be more responsive to his family.
  • Eva Marie was concerned
    upon learning that there had been a robbery near her house and wanted to
    move — but Jon, her husband, wanted to get a gun instead. Guns scare
    her, but she was willing to compromise and visit a gun ranch so she
    could try to overcome her fear by shooting a few assault rifles at paper
    targets represented by zombies which is, apparently, the new “threat”
    in the eyes of gun nuts. Despite her shooting a light out on the range
    from a recoil and declaring that she didn’t want a gun, her husband
    bought one anyhow — while she was on the road.
  • Daniel Bryan
    is still having issues with injuries and may need more surgeries.
    Though Brie seemed to understand this, she still defended his right to
    use herbal medicines and natural homeopathy as his main treatment, even
    when everyone around her was telling her that modern medicine and
    surgery was the only real, viable option.

Guess what? This is a double-header. E! has decided to punish Matt and I by airing episodes back to back.
But, wait! There’s MORE! To supplement a desire to get healthier, lower
BMI and get a more toned body, I’m now greatly reducing my own alcohol
intake to a
single glass of wine on true special occasions – not just, “Hey! It’s
Sunday! So this recap will be my first where I’ll have watched this
train wreck totally sober. Think good thoughts for me I’ll need them! (MATT: Me too. I’m a bit of a sponsor here. I’m on caffeine…heeeeelp meeeeee…)

SAN DIEGO, CA

Preptkitchen (Restaurant)
The Bella twins are wearing tight dresses showing lots of cleavage. (MATT: They’d wear this stuff to a funeral. And thank you for the cleavage.)
(You’re welcome, Matt.) Nikki asks Brie to compliment her shoes and
then says she needs a drink. Brie says she always needs a drink. Nikki
says John Cena will be arriving in a special car they’ve nicknamed
“Buttercup”. Upon finding out the champagne she’s drinking is Spanish,
declares it makes her want to spend a day in Mexico. Brie wisely points
out Spanish champagne is probably from Spain not Mexico. Nikki says
they’re in San Diego, near the Mexican border. So she’s justified in
sayin that. They argue about it. (MATT: There’s no wine in the house. And the three bottles of Guinness in the fridge…those don’t exist. THEY DON’T EXIST.)
Brie: “I feel bad for you Nicole, because your brain works very slow.”
Nikki insults Brie’s fake diamond necklace, in retaliation. Brie insults
Nikki’s diamond pendant as it’s not an engagement ring. (MATT: This is what war would look like if Hillary Clinton was elected.) John arrives and “Buttercup” is a Ferrari. (MATT: #RUSSOSWERVE)
Cena is concerned about Brie and asks if her career in WWE is over.
There’s no answer because there’s a man eating and getting avocado all
over his face! They make fun of him! It’s a laugh riot! (MATT: Ha! It’s funny because it’s all fun! OMG…I might need that Guinness…)

Titles.

OTTAWA, CANADA

Arena (Backstage)
Cameron hugs Seamstress Sandra who we haven’t seen for a while. Cameron tells us on camera that she’s now back in WWE. (MATT: And…really, there’s been no improvement if Cameron’s botch a few weeks ago was any indication.)

(MATT: I’ve got nothing more to add here.)

Meanwhile, Rosa, Summer and Eva Marie are doing photo shoots. Rosa feels like she and Summer are outcasts.

Break Room
Cameron
talks all about her training and Nikki is excited that they’re gonna
see a new Cameron in the ring.Nattie says they have a big trip coming up
— Eva’s bachelorette. They plan their time off – Eva Marie wants a
full-on party even though she’s already married and doesn’t drink. Natty
confesses on camera that she and TJ are taking a break and she’s not
living at home. I wonder if Jarrod knows. (MATT: How are these two not divorced again?)

Friday Night Smackdown – AJ vs Cameron – Ringside
Cameron
tells the camera she’s back playing this wonderful new character. She
is in the ring and  is putting lip gloss on when AJ attacks her. She
fights AJ with some fairly decent moves — but, whatever, The Bellas are
more important.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie’s Car
Nikki laments that John is gone filming some movies and she can’t remember the titles. (MATT: Neither can any of the fans.)
They agree that neither of their men can go to the bachelorette party.
Nikki says they should go and have sister time and get drunk since John
and Daniel won’t be there. Nikki sips her water and claims that it
tastes unfiltered. Brie admits it’s unfiltered sink water because she
was in a hurry. Nikki acts like there’s cancer in the water. (MATT: Or “Ebola” if we’re staying topical) Brie
tells Nikki that Josie (the dog) drinks it so Nikki can, too. Nikki
fires back: “Josie eats her own shit. Do YOU eat your own shit?” Brie
says a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s. Nikki tells her to start
eating her own shit so she can have a cleaner mouth. Brie is silent. (MATT: What? Brie’s not gonna Google that for accuracy?)

TAMPA, FL


The Grind Coffee Bar & Cafe
Natty
visits TJ and says that it’s nice to see him — but was going to say
something else, starting with “It’s nice to have…” TJ doesn’t look at
all happy and asks her if she meant that it’s nice to have space. She
says it isn’t. He asks if she wants space. She says she has no idea what
she wants because she can’t relax. TJ says he knows because that’s how
she’s been for the last 13 years. She wants to get to the bottom of it
because she says she may be the problem after all. (MATT: So, suddenly, we’re all supposed to pretend that TJ hasn’t forgotten three birthdays and won’t look at her while she’s wearing sexy lingerie? Oh, ok. PICK A LANE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.) She asks if TJ wants to work things out. He tells her that he does, so she invites him on the trip and he agrees to this. (MATT: Get out of there, TJ. Get out NOW.) TJ states that Rosa and Summer should find their way to a remote island and never return.

LOS ANGELES, CA


Vincent and Cameron’s Apartment
While
she was working, Vincent apparently spent lots of time cleaning and
organizing. He tells her that they have no more room for any more of
their stuff. So, he wants them to buy a house. (MATT: Is there any middle ground on this show? Dangerous neighborhood? Buy a gun. Need a job? Start a bed and breakfast. Christ, about what point does logic kick in and Vincent says, “We need a storage unit”?)
Vincent badgers her after she’s been home for just ten minutes.
Cameron’s solution to this fight: relax and then get her hair done. (MATT: Nobody on this show fits. At all.)

CURACAO, MEXICO

Airport
Eva
says that they flew during hurricane season. Also, Jonathan, Brie and
Vincent’s luggage is lost. On the bus to the hotel, Vincent loudly
declares that he “has no undies or toothbrush”. Nikki says that doesn’t
matter because Brie Mode is about to happen. (MATT: YEAH, SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING, VINCENT. QUEEN NIKKI HATH SPOKEN.) Nikki recaps “Brie Mode” as if we have no idea what that is.

Santa Barbara Golf and Beach Resort
They get to the hotel and are stoked to find out how nice it is.

Bella’s Hotel Room
Bryan
calls to talk about how their house was painted. Brie tells him her
luggage didn’t arrive. Nikki jokes she will make Brie wear her clothes.
Bryan: “NIKKI…DO NOT. DRESS MY WIFE. LIKE A HOOTCHIE.”

Natty and TJ’s Hotel Room
Natty and TJ hear a couple having sex. TJ suggest they compete with them for volume. (Ha! Matt and I would do that.) (MATT: Shhhhh…) Natty has no idea what TJ is talking about so TJ demonstrates his version of moaning. (MATT: Which sounds like a dog trying to breathe with a collapsed lung.) Natty agrees to this and tells TJ to throw her on the bed. TJ chickens out. (MATT: This is a metaphor for Erectile Dysfunction, isn’t it?)

Poolside
Everyone gathers for breakfast. Nikki tells everyone that Brie wore a “wife-beater” (MATT: A term that needs to go away completely.) to bed (Nikki’s) but nothing else. (MATT: MOAR OF THIS PLEASE.)
Nikki mocks her but Brie explains that she can’t be nude sleeping in
front of her own sister. Eva Marie compliments Natty on the loud sex
noises (Were she and Jon the couple next door having sex?) and Natty
doesn’t tell them that they were faking the noises to mock the two of
them. TJ shows up and seems confused why everyone thinks they had wild
sex but the moment blows over. TJ says he has a surprise for Natty.
Natty says that she got everyone gifts. And, surprise, Natty’s gotten
everyone something made of spandex.

The Beach
Eva
Marie, Cameron, Jon and Vincent go cliff-jumping despite signs saying
that they could die if they do it. Jon goes in fast and Eva jokes the
wedding is off because he went without her. Everyone jumps but Cameron
who gets teased for this. Especially as young kids jump in. (MATT: Warnings, schmornings!) Cameron finally does and is excited that she did. They do it again and again.

Bella Hotel Room
Nikki
wants Mimosas and is bummed that Brie is shopping online. Nikki teases
her for getting boring now that she’s married. Nikki says she isn’t
wearing panties. Brie tells her to put some on.

TJ and Natty’s Rental Car
Natty is excited for his surprise, asking if she’s dressed nice enough. TJ says she is…and the surprise is revealed…

Ostrich Farm
It’s an ostrich farm! (MATT: And my body was starting to sweat all the toxins from the alcohol…) Natty says an ostrich looks like summer. They feed them. Well, at least TJ does. Natty keeps running from them. (MATT: Just like Summer or…?) Natty tells the camera that she doesn’t know why ostriches should be involved in a romantic getaway. (MATT: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT TOOK HER SO LONG TO COME TO THIS CONCLUSION?!)

TJ and Natty’s Rental Car
Natty: “Do I have to do a mating dance to entice TJ?” She wants more romance…doesn’t she know who she’s married to? She says that it’s the thought that counted.

Poolside
Everyone’s
hanging out at poolside. Vincent keeps away from everyone, sitting on
his phone while the girls are having fun. He thinks he’d be a fifth
wheel. Nikki says he’s a nice guy, despite his goofy behavior. Nikki
tells him that he should “lay down the law” when she tries to push him
away. Natty comes back from Le Ostrich Farm and tells everyone about the
trip. Everyone is confused. Nikki asks if TJ set up a “table for two”. (MATT: AT AN OSTRICH FARM, NIKKI?! REALLY?!) Natty
says she can tell the girls anything (except for that sex noise bit, I
guess) but she hates throwing TJ under the bus all the time. (MATT: Sadly, everything TJ does is a liability, so that’s not even possible.) Vincent sends the whole thing off sitcom-style by nearly killing Nikki with a champagne cork. Cameron yells at him like an adoring girlfriend.

Bella Hotel Room
Brie is wearing one of Nikki’s dresses which fits perfectly. Nikki feels the need to stuff the dress anyhow. It doesn’t work.

Shore – American Seafood Grill
Everyone arrives for dinner. Eva and Jon are late as they were having a quickie beforehand. Natty’s jealous of it. (MATT: Is this the same Natty who can barely talk about sex?) They laugh at how bad Brie looks in Nikki’s dress. Curiously, Brie also isn’t drinking and is also teased for it.

Spa
Brie
is looking at fixtures for their house. Nikki wants her to just relax
and enjoy the spa relaxation. Nikki makes the situation even better by
teasing her for having small boobs. Again. They get their massages, but
Brie keeps talking interior design. Nikki tells her she is asleep to try
to get her to relax. Brie calls her a bitch.

Resort
Everyone gets red wigs to surprise Eva and Jon, they get on a boat for a sunset cruise.

Cruise
Jon mentions they are moving back to the OC. (MATT: Is that even still a phrase?)
Vincent says they are house-hunting which Cameron deflects, saying she
doesn’t have time. The girls badger her and tell her that they should be
looking because a girl in her business will never “have time”.

Docks
After
the cruise, Vincent walks away from Cameron. He feels like she isn’t
paying attention to him at all and that he feels neglected. She follows
him down the street and he says he just wants to cool off. Cameron,
however, won’t give him space to just walk it off (which she should).
Still, they keep talking (this is a reality show after all) and he
thinks she doesn’t care. She agrees that so much is going on but she
needs to start thinking about how to improve their relationship. She wants a happy medium.

Dinner
Cameron
makes a toast and manages to praise herself, explaining that she
learned a lot about how to be in a relationship and a friendship.
Cameron says they’re gonna take “baby steps” — then asks Nikki to be
their real estate agent. Nikki keeps trying to get Brie to drink more.
They argue intensely. Nikki insists she will order a bottle of wine and
Brie will drink it all. Brie refuses and calls Nikki obnoxious and tries
to force her sister to drink. (MATT: Fucking hell.)

Brie tells the camera she hates when people try to “force her into Brie Mode”. (MATT: This happens daily?) It makes her want to do the exact opposite.

Limo
They leave in their bus and everyone cheers for Brie Mode.

Bar
Brie
wants to leave early and nobody wants her to. Everyone mocks her for
not drinking. Brie goes home early anyhow. Good for her for resisting
peer pressure and making her own decision. Nikki declares that she’s gonna punch her sister in the face when she gets back to the room.

Eva
Marie and Natty talk in a nearby restroom. Natty admits she and TJ are
not connecting like they used to. She doesn’t know how to fix it. Natty
says she feels like she is having a nervous breakdown and breaks down in
tears. She says TJ doesn’t even want to kiss her anymore. Eva says they
are good people it will take care of itself. (MATT: Nice job, Eva. Great solution.)

Bella Hotel Room
Brie and Nikki haven’t spoken for hours. Brie complains that Nikki tried to make her get into Brie Mode all week. (MATT: Nikki actually denies this. How in the fuck can somebody deny doing something they did eight hours ago?!) Nikki
keeps harping on her, saying she doesn’t want to drink as it upsets
Bryan and Brie isn’t happy because she can’t drink. Brie insists that
this is what she wants in terms of lifestyle. She likes to pick out
furniture and have a life with a guy. Nikki is upset her sister is
changing and that Nikki is “second in her life (after Daniel)”. They hug
and Nikki says she can handle it if Brie doesn’t go to Brie Mode. Brie
gets mad that Nikki wore her dress without wearing underwear. (MATT: Awwww. Always leave them laughing. *Sigh*)

Weekly Wrap Up

DANIELLE

This week’s hugs go to:
Brie & Natty (tie) – Despite choosing to drink in moderation, Brie
had everyone chanting for her to give in (like something out of an ABC
After School Special) and even her own sister kept hounding her.
However, she stuck to her guns and that’s very admirable. Natty –
everyone should have a wild passionate, romantic time while on vacation
with their significant other and she got ostriches instead and managed
not to complain about it too much. She’s a trooper.

This week’s punch goes to:
Nikki – Peer pressuring her sister to drink until puking, making fun of
her choice to not do so, her husband, her hobbies, and wearing her
dress without underwear? Nikki just really irked me this week. (MATT: “This week“?)

MATT

This week’s hug goes to: Natty.
I’m not sure she can be any more pathetic than she already is. I’m not
sure she can be any more stupid than she already is. It’s bad enough she
has to be with a shitty husband (one can only hope what we’re seeing is
completely phony), they actually have her play a submissive little
wifey with an abusive husband in Tyson Kidd to remind her how shitty
things are.

Annoying Diva of the Week: Nikki.
Fuck this one was easy as shit. Danielle covered it above. She’s
obnoxious as fuck the entire episode, doesn’t listen, cares only about
herself, doesn’t have a brain in her skull and doesn’t even seem to
realize that she’s in a shitty relationship with John Cena — and then
tries to deny it all, deflects blame and, somehow, silently declares
herself the innocent party. I’ve said it once and I will say it again: I
think Nikki is a permanent member of this club.

Er, that’s it.