Matt’s Main Event Recap – 10/14/2014

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In
the words of The Guess Who (who I once thought was the actual Who
because I’m a total and complete idiot — true story): “I got, got, got,
got no time…”
So much going on and so much writing and work and life and playoffs that I’ve been swamped. My apologies for posting so late.
Next time, I will ask a colleague to do this thing for me.
Let’s get going.

We are LIVE(!) from Birmingham, Alabama!
Michael Cole and Byron Saxton are the guys on the mics.
The
Miz starts us off as we get clips of his countout victory over Sheamus
on RAW. The Miz will now face Sheamus at Hell in a Cell for the United
States Championship.
Miz
says everyone saw him beat Sheamus on RAW — yet, here he stands with
no gold around his waist. He’s been “snubbed”. He’s gonna invite Sheamus
out right now…and it’s Sandow who is Miz-dow who is dressed as
Sheamus. Miz-ception! He has white tights on to simulate the shade of
his skin and pounds his chest hard and then rubs his chest, which is in
pain.
Miz-dow
says he came to declare peace. He says he usually loves to fight. He
says that Miz owns him each time they step into the ring. It’s bad
enough that Miz is better looking and more talented in every single way,
he is here to say that Miz is better in the ring than he is. He sings a
goofy version of Sheamus’s song which ends with “Miz is better than me”
— just like Miz is better than everyone in WWE Universe. He wants to
come out to publicly hand Miz the United States title (which is a
smaller toy version). He does…so the real Sheamus hits the ring.
Sheamus
holds up the real belt and says, “Mine is bigger than yours…” Miz-dow
imitates Sheamus the entire time. Sheamus says he expects this kind of
thing from Miz. 
Miz
says he’s beaten Sheamus twice. Plus he’s an “A-List Movie Star”, so it
really doesn’t matter what Sheamus thinks. Sheamus laughs, in a
seemingly genuine manner, because of Miz-dow’s imitation. He says that
Miz-dow is hilarious and that’s great. He says he’s “funny”, too. But a
different funny. He clotheslines Miz-dow and says, “That’s called
‘slapstick’!” Miz leaves. Sheamus tells Miz that he’s a coward for
letting Miz-dow take the bullet again. He says he has a new project for
Miz: a musical called, “Ain’t That a Kick in the Head”. Then he Brogue
Kicks Miz-dow into next week.
Segment over.
TONIGHT:
  • A look at Cena and Ambrose and their upcoming matches at Hell in a Cell
  • Big E is being taken out of mothballs so he can job to face Rusev.

WWEShop has Komen’s shit for you to buy.

WWE
2K15 has a shitty hip-hop soundtrack. For those who think I’m being too
snarky and are about to flame me in the comments, there’s a fucking
duet with John Cena and Wiz Khalifa. Yeah, I thought you wouldn’t care.
None of us asked for that.

Tyson’s out for a match — and good lord, they’re letting him do mic work now. He says that “cats and facts don’t lie to you”.
FACT: He’s married to Natalya. From time to time, she tries to handle
his affairs…but HE wears the pants in the family. Nattie obediently
nods. Wow. We’ve come to this, have we?

MATCH #1: Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) vs. R-Truth
Truth
hits a shoulderblock to start. Tyson leap frogs nothing as Truth backs
off an Irish Whip. Then Tyson yells at Nattie and Nattie smiles and nods
like a Stepford Wife. Tyson kicks Truth in the corner and chokes him.
He hangs Truth in the Tree of Woe and chokes Truth again. Then yells at
Nattie some more. He kicks Truth in the chest and slingshots his head
into the lower buckle, getting two. Snapmare by Tyson and a two count.
Headlock by Tyson and Truth counters with a side suplex. Both men get to
their feet. Truth tries to rally but Tyson grabs his legs for the
Sharpshooter. Truth pushes him away and Tyson nearly flies into Nattie.
He yells at her, which just makes him look so awesome. Truth grabs him
and hits a DDT for the win at 3:36.
WINNER: R-Truth via DDT
RATING: *1/2. 

TONIGHT: Big E vs. Rusev

We get a trailer for Hell in a Cell. Somebody was hip enough to use the font from the original Evil Dead, so that’s cool.

MATCH #2: Cesaro vs. Justin Gabriel
Holy
shit. Gabriel? Where did he come from? A bunch of wristlock reversals
and leglock reversals. Crowd is dead. More reversals and counters. This
doesn’t help. Finally, Cersaro elbows Gabriel in the corner, then runs
his head into the opposite corner. Gabriel comes back, slapping Cesaro
in the chest and hitting a nice Hurricarana. Snapmare by Gabriel and a
pin for a one-count. Cesaro finally gets a hold of Gabriel and drops his
head into the buckle. Cesaro hits a short-arm clothesline for two.
Cesaro puts him into a headlock. Gabriel escapes and Cesaro hits a Back
Drop off an Irish Whip. He kicks at Gabriel and then just kinda slugs at
him in the corner. Cesaro yanks him into the middle of the ring by his
legs, getting two. Another headlock and Gabriel hits a chinbreaker to
counter and splashes Cesaro in the corner. Gabriel hits a Scorpion
Deathdrop after a series of counters and gets two. Cesaro slings Gabriel
into the corner but Gabriel evades and tries a Moonsault, missing by a
mile. Cesaro hits the Neutralizer for the win.
WINNER: Cesaro via Neutralizer
RATING: **. Not too bad. Like watching a dude trying to chase a cat on cocaine at times, but awesome.

NEXT: Cole will “explain” Cena and Ambrose.

We get a commercial for Total Divas.

Cole explains Cena and Ambrose and RAW.

NEXT MONDAY ON RAW: Cena and Ambrose face Kane, Orton and Rollins in a Handicap Street Fight.

Rusev’s out for his match. But first, commercials for $9.99!

AD FOR “SEE NO EVIL 2”, STARRING KANE. JUST…STOP.


Lana
starts in on the mic. She’s so frazzled, she loses the ability to
properly say, “Shu-Tup” correctly. She reminds us of Rusev’s victory
over Big Show. She says that the East coast is the head of this country,
the West is the tail and the unshaven armpit is Alabama. He says that
Show is the anus. He says he talks like an anus and speaks like an anus.
Uh…

Big E interrupts.

MATCH #3: Rusev vs. Big E
First
two lock-ups go nowhere. Collision ends the same. Then the two brawl.
Rusev headbutts E after hitting some nice body shots. He runs at E but E
catches him and puts him to the mat for a one-count. Rusev ditches the
ring to take a breather. Once back in, he kicks at E, kneeing him in the
gut. He puts E in the corner but E reverses an Irish Whip and Rusev
takes a pair of Battering Rams in two corners. E ditches the ring again.
E follows this time and starts punching at E. Rusev retaliates and puts
E into the crowd barrier, then hits a nice Fallaway Slam. He rolls back
into the ring. We go to break.

Sting/2K15 ad.

Komen/WWE ad.

Rusev
has a headlock on E when we come back. E gets to his feet but Rusev
knees him in the gut. Rusev hits a modified clutch. E gets to his feet
again and punches Rusev in the gut. Rusev kicks back and tries a suplex.
E blocks it and reverses it. E rushes at Rusev in the corner but Rusev
sidesteps. E puts Rusev in yet another front facelock, then goes to the
back. E fights back up again and punches at Rusev. Rusev pushes him into
the corner and hits two Battering Rams. He rushes at E but E counters
with a Belly to Belly Suplex.

Ref counts both men. They
get to their feet. Rusev kicks at E. They exchange shots. Rusev rushes
E. E ducks and tries a Belly to Belly. Rusev blocks but ends up in
another Belly to Belly anyhow off a rush. Two count. E puts Rusev in the
corner. Another Battering Ram. Rusev kicks E in the stomach and rushes
at E again. E catches him and hits a Spinebuster, getting two. E puts
Rusev into the center of the ring and goes for the Warrior Splash but
Rusev gets up and hits the Superkick. He calls for the Accolade and E
taps because E just HAS! NO! CHOICE! 11:53 was the time of the match.
WINNER: #RUSEVWINSLOL
RATING: **. At least it was decent.

Celebration, Russian flag, blah blah blah…done.

OVERALL: **. Not too bad tonight.

Er, that’s it.

Thomas Hall has the NXT and Smackdown recaps to take you through
the rest of the week. Scott Keith and Brian Bayless have some retro shows. Andy PG will
have the RAW Report to start your week off right. I
will be back next week, same BoD Time, same BoD Channel.

Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
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