Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 5 – “Scared Straight”

(MATT: It’s this kinda show today. In fact, it’s so much this kinda show,
I actually get first crack at this train wreck with this caption.)

In our last episode, “Divas Unchained”, our
Divas tried to fix problems with solutions that fell far short of what
they expected (MATT: Wouldn’t be the first time.):

  • Daniel Bryan took Brie shopping for a washer and dryer. He tried to
    get a used set, causing Brie to have a meltdown at the appliance store.
    Ignoring Brie’s frustrations with Bryan or herself, Nikki decided that
    it was time to have an intervention. (MATT: For the sole purpose of
    telling her to stop being “a bitch” even though Bryan and Nikki aren’t
    listening to Brie and being completely selfish.)
    Brie didn’t seem to
    agree with most of what they said, or appreciate her bratty sister
    helping her this way. However, she did seem to agree to be less bitchy
    overall.
  • TJ, who apparently needs a personal assistant to know what day of the week it is, forgot Natty’s birthday again. Yes,
    this is recycled from last year and the year before. You’re not crazy.
    When he and her family finally remember her birthday, they buy her an
    anti-gravity type workout machine as a present. Nattie had enough of TJ
    and her family’s shit and high tails it to a hotel and even invites Rosa
    to come hang out with her. (MATT: Rosa probably got over there so fast, she left fire trails behind her car.)
    Predictably, Rosa ends up hitting on Natty and is rebuffed. So, she
    organizes a party for Natty and buys her lingerie. That doesn’t work.
    So, Rosa arranges a club date with her fellow Divas cast and tries to
    kiss Natty, claiming that she was trying to restore Natty’s confidence.
    She’s rebuffed again. Earlier in the episode, Rosa had hit on Paige who
    also supposedly had had her birthday, so apparently Rosa’s type is women
    with recent birthdays. Look out other Divas, do not invite her to your
    birthday parties! (MATT: I’d tune in for an attempt on Eva. I cannot lie.)
  • Naomi who recently had implantable birth control removed and then
    had months of stomach cramps and bleeding. Her solution was to ignore
    it, (MATT: This is a running theme. I can just picture WWE Creative
    saying, “Think of the most logical thing you could do — and then do the
    polar opposite.”)
    Her husband, John Uso, convinced her to go to the doctor because he was sick of getting no sex
    he was truly concerned for his wife. Turns out she had a polyp, which
    surgery could fix or, if she was very lucky it could leave her body
    naturally. And, of course, Naomi decided to wait for that very unlikely
    event to happen. As John still wanted sex in order to please him she
    took pole dancing classes with some other Divas and brought home a
    stripper pole. At first, he hated the gift and threw it across the room,
    but she convinced him it was great and perhaps will have the surgery
    even though he’s scared it could ruin her fertility.

Will the Divas be ready with their Bandaid solutions
for their major problems this week? Matt and I will use glasses of red
wine to get through this episode to let you know.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Brockton Villa Restaurant
Nikki makes Brie carry things because she cannot carry things and wear high heels. (MATT: …what?)
The place has a nice ocean view, but Nikki says she doesn’t like the
smell of the area because there are lots of seals and they “smell like
seal vagina”. (MATT: *Sigh*) Then she says fish is reminiscent of women’s vagina’s. (MATT: No, no. No, no, no, no, no.) Brie:
“Seals are not fishes…are they?” Nikki: “They have fins!” They argue
over whether seals are fish or mammals. The show is two minutes in and
I’m sorry I’m watching this. (MATT: It feels like I’ve watched half the show.) Look, I’m not naive here. I know this is faked. I also know that the Bellas are kinda idiots sometimes…but, even still, why would the editors even leave any of that in the episode? (MATT: AND THEY ACTUALLY FUCKING GOOGLE IT. THEN THEY ARGUE ABOUT IT…GRRRRR…)

(MATT: This show. This fucking show.)

TITLES. 

I’m nowhere near drunk or even buzzed enough to put up with this.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ

Brie’s Car
Brie
and Bryan are discussing rehab, he says he is exhausted by it. On
camera she laments how long his recovery is and how she wants him to
feel better. He laments that he doesn’t heal fast like John Cena who
they agree is (MATT: On steroids.) a freak. (MATT: That, too.)

Dr. Lloyd Wright’s Office
Brie
watches Dr. Lloyd stick pins in Bryan. She says that acupuncture is
natural because “it makes the blood flow and blood cures everything in
the body.” (MATT: That doesn’t sound right. That doesn’t sound right at all. Let me just consult with Dean Ambrose real quick. Dean?)





TAMPA, FL


Eva Marie’s Car
Eva Marie is talking with her husband, Jon.
He mentions there was a home invasion 2-3 miles from the gym. She says
they need to move, and he says they need a gun. She says they do not
need one in their home. He tells her she should learn to fire a gun to
not be afraid of it. (MATT: Oh, I can’t wait for the debate in the comments below.)

WWE Gym
Nikki
and Cena are working out together because somehow he doesn’t have a gym
in his McMansion. He seems confused as to why Bryan is still injured.
Nikki explains his commitment to the natural way of doing things and
Cena thinks it’s silly as he, himself, recovered from neck surgery in
one month. Cena compares Bryan’s natural approach to hearing a knock in
the engine of a car and hitting the dashboard to fix it, as opposed to
seeing a mechanic to check it out.

ORLANDO, FL

Restaurant
Eva
Marie is having lunch with Cameron. Cameron has a huge bruise on her
arm which she explains as working out hard in NXT. Cameron’s mom, Tammy,
calls her. Cameron steps out to take the call and her mom tells her
that her 15-year-old brother, Quentin, left school, isn’t answering his
phone and she might need Cameron to come down to talk to him. Cameron
tells the camera family comes first and she must go back to L.A. to talk
to him. (MATT: Cameron’s teenage brother isn’t answering his phone and she has to fly all the way to the opposite side of the country to find out why?)

MATT: THIS. FUCKING. SHOW.



MONDAY NIGHT RAW – MIAMI, FL

Ringside
Nikki
comes out for a handicap match, it’s her vs. Eva Marie, Cameron and
Naomi. Brie is in the audience, sitting in the front row and says (in
her camera interview) that she’s doing a story with Stephanie McMahon,
which she says is a dream come true. In this now infamous bit, Stephanie
calls her a quitter, Brie calls her a bitch and Stephanie hauls off and
slaps Brie.

Backstage 
Nikki and Brie are amazed by the WWE tech team’s A/V equipment. (MATT: Seriously. They stare at it like a cat stares at the wall after getting high on catnip.)
Brie gets a text from Bryan. She says the doctor says that Bryan has
issues with “legamints in his neck”. Nikki tells her it’s not
“legament”s and that it’s “ligaments”. Brie says that doesn’t sound
right at all. And then they argue about it.

(MATT: And fuck this fucking show.)

Brie says Bryan will need another surgery. Nikki
tells the camera that Bryan needs to be working so she isn’t the only
one working. “Every night you are away, the more likely the audience
will forget you,” she explains. Brie says surgery is like putting a
Band-Aid on something and 20 years later, they’ll figure out what went
wrong. Nikki says that isn’t true and that she has shin surgery and her
shin feels better. Brie calls her “pointless.” (MATT: That’s not even close to what she is or what this conversation is.)

ORLANDO, FL


Orlando Gun Club
Eva Marie decides to be “a good little
wifey” and learn how to shoot a gun even though she’s nervous and
doesn’t want to be there. They give her a couple of assault rifles to
shoot at a paper target: a printout of a zombie. (MATT: All you need is a friggin’ hand gun. When did “home protection” become using unnecessarily large guns and shooting at targets that don’t exist in real life?) She does great, (MATT: The target was like 10 feet in front of her. Even Michael J. Fox, off his meds, could hit that target.)
so the instructor has her try an MP5 Automatic Assault Rifle. The
recoil is too much, however, and she shoots out a light instead of the
target. John, who has mistaken Eva for John McClane, tells the
instructor his wife is deciding between a handgun and a rifle for home
protection and says that the rifle is cool because it’s intimidating.
Eva says she is not bringing home a gun that day. Jesus, get a huge dog.
That’ll be less of a hassle.

PHOENIX, AZ


Phoenix Public Market
Bryan pulls out a chair for
Brie who is so oblivious, she doesn’t see it and Bryan has to point it
out. She repays his chivalry by making him toast her, “The greatest wife
in the world”. Men take note: we women like hearing we are the greatest
girlfriends/fiancees/wives in the world even when we know that is
statistically impossible. Unlikely, even. The waiter happens by, doesn’t
see Bryan’s face (only his long hair from the back of his head) and
calls them “ladies”. He gets a jolt in his nerves and has to drop his
fork. They have to go home as he’s in so much pain.

LOS ANGELES, CA


Cameron and Vincent’s Apartment
Cameron greets her dog, Glitty, first. Vincent is jealous. (MATT: This is not humanly possible.) He and Bryan could discuss how they both share this problem over lunch. She says they have to go see her family.

Aqua Hair Salon
Cameron
and Vincent go to visit her mom, Tammy, at the salon she owns and works
at. Her mom can’t leave her job (though Cameron’s job isn’t that
secure, either, it appears her mom may have few to no employees) so they
will go look for her missing brother.

PHOENIX, AZ


Brie and Bryan’s House
With his recent spasm, she wants him
to see a doctor. He argues he’s had a million CT and blood scans and
he’s still skeptical that it will help. She tells the camera it’s that
he doesn’t want to hear more bad news. (Note: I get his point, I really
do, but I know from personal experience that you can mix Eastern and
Western medicine and get amazing results. When I tore my rotator cuff so
badly that I almost had it permanently torn off and irreparably
injured, I was in pain day and night. While I don’t know what Bryan’s
injury feels like exactly, I get what intense pain feels like. If one of
his representatives asked me, I’d advise him to continue Eastern
treatment but add more Western medicine surgery and prescription
medicines. You will heal more quickly. I know I did.) (MATT: Or…you know, just go to a doctor and cut out “Eastern medicine”…)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Vincent’s Car
After
driving around for a bit, Vincent and Cameron find Quentin on a
sidewalk with some boys. She yells at him for not calling him Mom back
when he has his phone on it. She yells at him for giving her attitude.
She tells him she’s taking time from her job to come check on him, and
that his behavior will make their mom die of a heart attack. (MATT: She flew cross country to yell at you because of your Mom’s neglect, Quentin! Be grateful!)
As they’re talking one of his friends moves a garbage bag behind his
back. She takes it from him (they don’t show what it is, but it’s
implied to be something illegal) and says Quentin and all her friends
are “guilty by association”. (MATT: These Divas keep using big words and phrases…I don’t think they mean what they think they mean.)
She throws it onto the street and whatever is in the bag shatters. She
forces him to come home with them and Quentin tells her not to touch
him. She tells the camera she didn’t take off time from her job and
training for this. (MATT: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT?!)

TAMPA, FL


Jon’s Car
Jon brings up the new Glock handgun and gushes
about how much he wants one. She tells him she doesn’t want one even
though she insists she had fun at the range. Jon says that she hates
America and the Second Amendment. (MATT: Also, the terrorists win. Thanks, Eva.)

LOS ANGELES, CA


Tammy’s house
Cameron wants to have a talk/intervention
with her mom and her brother. Her mom says he should be happy that
Cameron found her and not someone else. They say had he not ignored his
phone this wouldn’t have happened. She mentions Terry, a family friend
who is in jail, and that he should be careful who he hangs out with
because “birds of a feather flock together” and all that. He walks out
of the room and conversation. Cameron says they need a plan before she
goes back to NXT. (MATT: Something tells me that, if NXT let her fly
across America to deal with her stupid brother, they’re not exactly
drooling to have her back.)

TAMPA, FL


Jon and Eva Marie’s House
It’s raining and he laments
how he moved to what should be “sunny Florida”. He asks her where she
got back from she says she doesn’t even know what city she was in. (MATT: Quentin gave her some fat doobage, methinks.) He
has a handgun on the coffee table and she freaks out. She insists she
doesn’t want one in her house. She doesn’t even want to talk to him
anymore and walks out.

Money in the Bank – TD Garden in BOSTON, MA

Backstage – Photo Area

Rosa
is talking to photographer Craig Ambrosio who looks at her outfit and
laughs uncomfortably. She has cut out a lot of material in her shirt,
showing way too much skin overall, with tons of cleavage.

(MATT: Oops.)

He tells her to cover up so that they can “keep it PG”. Then they start.

(MATT: Much better. Great job, Rosa.)

Dr. Chris Amann, M.D. – WWE Trainer’s Backstage Office
Chris
is looking at Bryan’s body and Brie tells the camera she is hopeful for
an answer that day. The doctor asks questions him and how he can barely
keep his hand in a position with his arm curled for more than very
brief moments. Brie laments he can’t cuddle her for too long as it hurts
him. The doctor gives a diagnosis, saying Bryan has Cubital Tunnel
Syndrome and says he will need surgery. The doctor says it’s a quick and
easy surgery, so it’s also a quick recovery, though the skin will take
longer to heal than the tissue inside.

Backstage Break Room
Eva
Marie is sitting with Nattie, Cameron, Jimmy Uso, and Titus O’Neil. Eva
Marie wants their advice on the whole gun ordeal. She tells the camera
she feels disrespected as part of a couple that he got it without her.
Nattie says having a gun in the house would make her uncomfortable and
everyone else shares this opinion.

Backstage/Ringside (camera switches back and forth)
The
Money in the Bank theme song comes on and the Bellas watch backstage.
Nikki remarks that they took Bryan’s name off the Championship Belt and
that’s sad. Daniel Bryan is being interviewed by Michael Cole in the
ring. He says he has to say he needs more surgery and doesn’t know when
he’ll be back. The crowd boos this turn in events. Brie tells Nikki
while she agrees the natural way of healing is best, she thinks he will
heal faster with surgery. In the ring, Bryan says he will return
stronger than ever and win and he leads the crowd in a YES chant.

LOS ANGELES, CA


Vincent’s Car
Cameron, Vincent and Quentin meet with
ex-gang members who work with kids who are getting into the gang life in
order to scare the shit out of Quentin:

(MATT: THEDEMONRANDYORTON…)

(MATT: …Heavy D…)

(MATT: …and former All-Star catcher, Benito Santiago.)

The first guy pictured is “Tattoo” (MATT: The most obvious and creatively-bankrupt gangster name in history.)
and he spins a story about how his Mom threw him a birthday party early
because he “wouldn’t live past 24”. He gets in Quentin’s face and yells
at him. He tells them there are consequences for being in the streets,
scaring him by saying that he’ll get shot or stabbed or killed somehow.
He shows him all his scars from knives (but the tattoos kinda hide them
so the impact is like getting hit by a feather). “Chico” (MATT: The third guy pictured — and another walking cliche.) tells him while he came from a privileged background he choose “the street” and it can lead to death. “Bazaar” (MATT: Middle guy — interesting name choice.) says they’d love to talk to their Moms — but they don’t have any. (MATT: So they don’t have Moms because they were in gangs? I’m confused.) Tattoo tells him how good he has it at home and that they shouldn’t disrespect his mom. (MATT: So, answer your phone when Mom calls, kids. If you don’t, failed, motherless gangsters will yell at you about dying.)

PHOENIX, AZ


Brie and Bryan’s House
She asks him to hang a picture for
her but he can’t as he’s been told not to lift anything over 5 pounds
over his head. She suggests surgery (after first somewhat making fun of
the fact that he can’t lift a 3 pound picture – on doctor’s orders) and
his response is to shush her because if you don’t talk about problems
out loud apparently they go away. Brie says that surgery needs to be an
option. Bryan says he won’t get it.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Restaurant
Cameron’s
family is having dinner. Quentin has seen the error of his ways, but is
very quiet. He agrees to answer the phone when his mom calls. In a
robotic voice he thanks his family for caring about him. I’ve heard
people order a pizza with more emotion. He thanks Cameron for taking
time out of her work schedule to help him and he wishes her good luck
with her job. The kid sister ask if they can talk about her summer camp
now. (MATT: Are these people even related?)

ORLANDO, FL


Colibri Mexican Cuisine (Restaurant)
Jon and Eva Marie are
having dinner. Jon says the food at the restaurant is really good. Eva
gets upset that he’s been here before she has. (MATT: Jon sneezes. Eva gets upset that he didn’t ask permission to sneeze.)
She says he is trying to be the man running the show and that is not
how their marriage is going to go. The overlying stat that 50% of all
marriages end in divorce has got to come into play here. You’d think
that, with all the turbulence these couples see in their relationships,
one of them is bound to start the divorce domino effect. While I’m
hoping for Naomi’s sake it’s the Uso marriage, this could be the Lucky
Winner. He says she is on the road so much they barely get to talk or
text. He says he has always been around guns, and his reason for having
one is to protect her. Eva accepts this in two seconds and they move on.
She says they could get a dog for protection and, ironically, he
doesn’t want one. She says she should get one anyhow, because that’s
what he did. (MATT: There is a frighteningly dark vibe
coursing through these relationships. These Divas would be better off
seeing “Tattoo”.)

SCOTTSDALE, AZ


Tuck Shop (Restaurant)
Brie and Bryan are having breakfast
with Brie’s mom, Kathy. She remarks he was the most clean cut wrestler
on the show and then Brie got hold of him and he grew his hair and beard
out. He tells them that the doctor wants to do surgery to clear up the
blockage, however, he wants to do the least invasive thing first. Mom
thinks that Bryan should do the surgery sooner so he can go back to
work. Bryan wishes they would both be more understanding why he doesn’t
want surgery as they aren’t 100% sure what is wrong with him yet. (MATT: Bryan, I love you, but you’re gonna have to face the fact that you’re being a goddamn moron.)

Weekly Wrapup

DANIELLE

This week’s punches go to: Jon (Eva Marie’s husband) and Brie
– Jon tried to convince his wife to get a gun. Eva compromised and went
to a gun range to see how a gun felt to her. She didn’t want one. He
wanted to get one. She shot out a light. He still wanted one. She came
home, so tired that she couldn’t remember what town she’d just been in
and comes home to find out that she’s a gun owner. It’s a good idea to
force ideas on people, unless it’s a religious belief system – eh, Jon?

Brie
once again thinks of her husband’s injury, recovery, heck his whole
existence on how it will benefit her. She has no empathy or even
sympathy for his pain and this episode seems more money hungry than even
Nikki and that’s saying a lot.

This week’s hug goes to: Cameron
– Taking time off of her job to find her brother and then arranging for
him to meet with former gang members was inspired (probably something
she was told to do by the producers and writers, mind you, but still
inspired). She obviously cares a lot for her family, truly is not that
out of touch with them despite being gone a lot for her job, and is the
kind of big sister every sibling should have.

MATT

This week’s annoying cast member is: Eva/Daniel Bryan (tie). I
mean, come on. Either we’re bullshitting everyone and he got his
surgery or Daniel Bryan is a giant, stupid idiot whose “green” beliefs
have erased the logical center of his brain. Not getting surgery for a
major injury is a dumb fucking idea. Forget the career impact. If you’re
not getting surgery for these issues, you risk long-term disability.
That’s pretty unfortunate. And Eva…holy shit. Railroaded constantly.
Submissive. Acquiescing constantly. All that build up to a final row
over a semi-important issue and it’s, “Here’s my side, Eva,” and “Oh,
ok. That’s cool.” Really?

This week’s hug goes to: John Cena. The
dude who’s on the show all of 90 seconds and he always sounds smarter
than the combined cast of the entire show. He should be the guy doing
these wrap-ups because he always seems to put everything in perspective.

Er…that’s it.