Like a bad case of The Clap, it’s BACK, BABY!
First, some catch up for the little Zanatudes playing along at home. After the aborted August TV tapings at the Gray Community Center, the Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour has been limping along showing mostly old matches and James family tribute videos, the same ones over and over. I didn’t feel compelled to report on those shows…I’ll write about crap for you guys, but not regurgitated crap. That’s just too kinky for the likes of me.
But the big SSW Fall Spectacular happened on September 27th, and this week we’re actually getting footage from that show. And Joe Wheeler is back to call the action! If Good Ole J.W. is getting back to work, then so shall I.
In between the regurgitated crap, there were a few nuggets of activity on the last month and a half of television:
- SSW Ladies Champion Rebecca Lynn and Misty James fought in various promotions in the area, with Rebecca retaining her title through every cheap trick in the book, from powder to the eyes to deliberate countouts. At the Fall Spectacular, Misty will have one final opportunity. In this match, the title can change hands on a disqualification or countout…but, if Misty doesn’t win, she will never have another shot at the title as long as Rebecca Lynn remains the champion!
- Scott Sterling sent in several interviews regarding his TV title match with Jake Booth, all ending with his vow to put the television title trophy around his waist.
- Jake Booth spoke. The less said the better.
- As a result of the controversy over their match at the Gray Block Party, SSW champion Kyle Kool has agreed to give D’Andre Jackson one more shot at the title…on the condition that Jackson must leave SSW if he loses.
- Beau James has challenged Frank Parker to a Tennessee Chain Match. Because no referee could handle the figurative and literal stink of this match, some guy that apparently has a history with both guys named Brian Logan will be the official.
So the first wrestling card at the Kingsport Civic Auditorium in many years would shape up as follows:
Tennessee Chain Match: Beau James vs Frank Parker (special referee Brian Logan)
SSW Title Match: Kyle Kool(c) vs D’Andre Jackson, Jackson must leave SSW if he loses
SSW TV Title Match: Jake Booth(c) vs Scott Sterling
SSW Ladies Title Match: Rebecca Lynn(c) vs Misty James, Misty’s Last Chance
Battle Royale to crown the first SSW Streetfighting Champion
Eric Darkstorm vs Wolfie D vs Dr. Tom Pritchard vs Ricky Morton
The Iron Cross vs Shawn Cruz
Dirty White Boy inducted into East Tennessee Wrestling Hall of Fame
Now you’re down with a discount. On with the show!
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
October 4th, 2014
Jim Cornette kicks off yet another new intro to the show, the fourth or fifth in the past two months. Beau James has obviously been very bored in his home with nothing else to do.
This show is now sponsored by something called Tim Young’s Unnamed Marketing Firm. I can’t tell if he’s serious of deliberately trying to be “so bad it’s good”, but he’s failing miserably regardless.
Speaking of failing miserably, Dakota Booth on Xanax is out to open up the show and introduce a highlights montage from the Fall Spectacular.
This feels like what the NWA would do the week after Starrcade to rub it to the folks that couldn’t watch it live. Incredibly, it still works in this day and age, because there are zero spoilers of this show out there to be found. The only people that know what happened are the 60 or 70 or so in attendance, and they apparently are taking their secrets to the grave.
BUT…the DVD can be yours for only $12 from kingofkingsport.com!
Or just watch the television show over the next couple weeks. Whatevs.
Or just stick with the montage. A montage makes everything better.
Dakota tells us to stick around for the first title match of the evening, Jake Booth defending the television title against Scott Sterling (even though they just spoiled the result in the montage)
Next Week On TV: Misty’s Last Shot At The Title!
The usual commercials, church bulletins, and future SSW show shillings follow.
Dakota is back with some flashy graphics that finally explain just which states are Southern States. Spitting virtual marbles out his mouth all the while, Dakota gives the background on the Jake Booth vs Scott Sterling feud as only he can, before introducing the footage from last week.
SSW TV Championship: Jake Booth(c) vs “The Fat Quebecker” Scott Sterling
Jake Booth is also one half of the tag team champions with Ray Idol, who was probably passed out in a ditch somewhere at the time of this show.
Joe Wheeler is back to keep Dakota Booth in line on commentary. Since Wheeler has already escaped from the James family henhouse, they must have developed more subtle means of keeping his talented ass locked into Southern States Wrestling. Maybe they have proof that he ate his son?
Oh yes, the match. I’m supposed to be talking about the match. Well, it’s happening. Sterling starts off with a headlock, Booth shoots him into the ropes, but Sterling connects with a shoulder block. Sterling bounces off the ropes on one side, leaps over Booth, bounces off the ropes on the other side, and helpfully walks into Jake Booth so he can deliver a hip toss.
That all sounds decent enough, except that Sterling was literally (literally, I tell ya!) walking through all of that. I changed from my laptop to the desktop just to make sure that the fault wasn’t in my computer…but nope, they really are moving that slow.
Jake Booth follows up with an armbar. I don’t discuss armbars. Sterling does his best to make it entertaining, but it’s still a minute plus who-knows-how-much-Beau-James-mercifully-cut-out-for-us goddamnned armbar.
Finally Sterling slings Jake into the corner and follows up with a charge…that misses, allowing Booth to cinch on his armbar again. God, how I’d love to tie Dock Muraco to a chair and force him to watch the full, uncut footage from this match.
THIS IS HOW WE DO THINGS IN AMERICA, SON!
Dakota tries to liken this armbar to building a wall, brick by brick. I guess we don’t have to worry about any Mongolians getting into the country while Jake Booth is on the case!
At last, even Scott Sterling gets bored of this and breaks out with a stiff right hand to the nose. Time to move on to SSW Main Event Style!
Punch. Punch. Kick. Forearm smash. Hairpull. Hiptoss. Kick. Stomp. Choke. Knee. Taunt Jake’s Grandfather. Turnbuckle smash. Punch. Forearm smash. Choke.
Aw, yeah. I missed that.
Now Sterling starts getting fancy, with a textbook vertical suplex, throwing all caution to the wind in an effort to get this match into positive stars. Sterling goes for the coup de grace with a back bodydrop, but Booth instead kicks him in the mush. The redhead is on fire! Kind of looks like a burning bush too, which the church benefactors will be pleased with.
Clothesline by Jake, wherein Sterling was already falling long before Booth touched him. Jake lines up for a football tackle, but can’t do it for some reason, so hits him with a superkick to the gut instead. Sterling no-sells this and goes back on offense with a chop to the throat.
Scott Sterling puts on a chinlock, but as I debate whether or not to add chinlocks to my moratorium, Jake elbows his way out. Vintage Wheeler proudly announces that Jake is “trying to create separation”, but Sterling beats him back down.
After some more banal offense, Jake regains control with three consecutive clotheslines, each more pathetic than the one before it. And then…SPEAR! Forget the football tackle, he’s going with an actual football tackle, sayeth master wordsmith Dakota.
But Jake Booth is too exhausted to make the cover, allowing Sterling to roll out of the ring. Jake runs out to give chase (in the Kingsport Civic Auditorium, they actually have room outside of the ring to move around) Sterling goes back in on the opposite of the ring, waits for Jake to enter…and hits him with a swinging neckbreaker out of nowhere for the clean pin. Huh? Joe Wheeler seemed shocked by the finish, even though he said “this could do it” before Sterling went for the pin.
Winner in about 11 minutes (roughly eight shown) and NEW SSW Television Champion, Scott Sterling. -¼*
They tried, but I just can’t give that match a DUD in good conscience.
Cut to an interview with the New TV Champion. It appears that Sterling has finally realized that he cannot put a trophy around his waist. There is so much reverb on the mic that I cannot make out what Sterling was saying, but he seems happy, so good on him.
Jake Booth’s meteoric rise and fall resembles that of The Renegade in WCW. I hope Mr. Booth continues to emulate Rick Wilson all the way to the end.
Back to the booth with Dakota Booth, who largely blows off his brother’s loss. Coming up next, highlights from the Beau James vs Frank Parker Tennessee Chain match, and the next challenger for the Television Title.
Next Week: Title vs Loser Leaves SSW!
Hardcore Jesus is back! If they showed this commercial all over America in prime time, then maybe we could stop the flow of Americans leaving the country to join ISIS.
Joe Wheeler out to interview the SSW Heavyweight Champion Kyle Kool to get his thoughts ahead of his title match with D’Andre Jackson next week. Kool is going back to being knee deep in the candy and kitty. Not sure what that means, but I like the sound of it!
Some highlights are shown of the Tennessee Chain match. They can’t show the whole match on television because it’s too brutal. I love shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments. There’s no cowbell on this chain as Beau previously promised. How can they have this match without all the cowbell they could get? Dakota also claims that this is chain is “easily 40 pounds”, which can only be close to true if he’s talking about the British currency.
The footage ends with a staredown between Beau James and Brian Logan…which will probably be forgotten and never mentioned again. #BecauseSSW.
Post match, Joe Wheeler gets an interview with the bloody but victorious Beau James. He broke Frank Parker’s arm in two places, and he’s happy about it! He did in the same building that Elvis Presley and Chubby Checker performed in! But he still has business with Scott Sterling. He doesn’t care about the TV title (well, who does?), but he wants to take it from him just to hurt him. And that ain’t all the hurt that he’ll be getting!
We close with Tim Young and John 3:16.
Next week, Rebecca Lynn vs Misty James for the SSW Ladies title, and Kyle Kool vs D’Andre Jackson for the SSW Heavyweight Title. Why pay $9.99 for the WWE Network, when you can get sick of professional wrestling for absolutely free with Southern States Wrestling!