Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 4 – “Divas Unchained”

When we last saw the Divas in “Roadside Rumble”, several of the girls had had more verbal fights then they did actual fights in the ring (MATT: And better ones, too.):

  • Brie and her husband, Daniel Bryan, have no real life work skills outside of wrestling. So they decide that running a hotel will fix this problem. Realizing that the $50,000 dollars she had in her savings wasn’t going to fund the endeavor, Brie asked Nikki if her boyfriend, John Cena, would be willing to lend her and Bryan the rest of the money. Nikki agreed to this (without asking Cena first) and hilarity ensued.
  • Eva Marie learned that you cannot play both sides of an argument. Though she wanted to have a Catholic wedding with Jon (MATT: Not Cena), her husband who she eloped with months before, she endlessly pushed her husband to convert out of love for her Dad. Eventually, she realized he would never do it and she was able to get her dad to agree to having a non-Catholic service.
  • Rosa paid for half of the rental car bill for the car to drive herself and Nattie from one show to another. She insisted that Summer Rae come along even though she knew Summer Rae and Nattie hate each other. Nattie attempted to vaguely blame physical health issues on Summer, which angered Summer who, in return, blamed Nattie and Tyson Kidd’s marital problems on Nattie’s attitude. This lead to a bit of a catfight with Rosa becoming a reluctant mediator. Rosa convinced both girls to get back in the car and for her to drive while they road in silence.

Does this episode, “Divas Unchained” bring us more verbal fighting? Matt and I will try to get along as we watch this and report!

FLORIDA

Backstage for WWE event
Paige is walking with Rosa and tells Rosa that it’s her birthday, Rosa hugs her.

PICTURED: The tragic climax from Of Mice and Men

Paige compliments Rosa’s boobs, saying that it’s like “being hugged by a big cushion”. Rosa shows off her dress and tells Paige she has “dominatrix-style boots” and then says that she wants to see Paige in her “stripper outfit”. (MATT: Jesus, even 4Chan trolls aren’t this forward.) Paige agrees if Rosa won’t “touch the goodies”. Rosa asks if she can give her a birthday kiss later. Paige says she feels Rosa is coming onto her and Rosa confirms on camera that she thinks Paige is attractive.

TITLES.

HOLLYWOOD, CA

Mari Vanna (Restaurant)
The Bella Twins are having lunch and Nikki orders champagne and wine. Brie is confused as to why she is ordering so much stuff and asks if they’re “celebrating something”. Nikki says she’s celebrating her sister and “this restaurant”. (MATT: She’s celebrating the existence of a restaurant? What?) Nikki wants a $250 dollar bottle of wine, saying that “they deserve it”. Brie tells Nikki to scrap that idea but Nikki won’t budge. Brie expresses her discontent to the camera, saying she’s peeved that Nikki is ordering expensive things when she and Bryan don’t have a job.

TAMPA, FL

Rosa’s Car
Nattie complains that Rosa’s outfit is like “wearing nothing”. (MATT: Every single Diva is hitting their character spots early on. Very good. Everyone can do a shot now.) Nattie tells Rosa that her birthday was yesterday but that nobody — including TJ — got her a cake, presents or anything else. Rosa tells the camera she owes Nattie everything as she was there for Rosa when she hit rock bottom with her addiction.

Pinarama Bowling
Trinity and Jimmy Uso are bowling with one of his friends. He calls Trinity a “chump” and says he’s the “champ”. She gets a strike and goes crazy rubbing it in, telling Jimmy that she doesn’t even know how to bowl. Suddenly, she says her stomach feels awful and she feels lightheaded and she needs to sit down. (MATT: With a huge “this is scripted bullshit” grin on her face.) She tells the cameras that she had her birth control implant taken out as it was causing her issues and now she can’t stop bleeding. Jimmy, being the supportive, understanding boyfriend that he is, says it’s been hell since she had it put in and compares her vaginal bleeding to “The Shining”. He says it’s been hell for her and that she should see a doctor. Trinity correctly calls it that he’s more interested in getting to have sex with her than her health. Jimmy agrees. Understanding and supportive.

SAN DIEDO, CA

Nikki’s Car
Nikki and Brie are driving with a GPS guiding them. They are on their way to one of her egg-freezing appointments. Nikki is concerned about the drought as she thinks it could impact wine grapes and she doesn’t want wine prices to rise. (MATT: Yeah, wouldn’t want those $250 dollar bottles of wine to double in price.) Brie is disgusted that Nikki’s first concern is wine prices and says Nikki’s priorities are out of whack. Nikki argues that the thought is genuine and that “it’s crazy when you think about it.” Brie: “No…not really,” then asks Nikki if she thinks that she can survive on wine the rest of her life. Nikki doesn’t answer the question and, instead, criticizes Brie for being cranky. Brie says that she isn’t cranky and that she’s just upset that Nikki knew she had to be somewhere far from where she lived and procrastinated to the point where they have to sit in rush hour traffic to get there. Nikki tries to argue more and Brie tells her to shut the fuck up and that Nikki is just pissing her off. Nikki, again, reminds her that she has no job and no money coming in. (MATT: That’ll make it better.)

ORLANDO, FL

NXT Takeover
Charlotte Flair (MATT: …who, essentially, looks like her father dressed in drag) is fighting Nattie for the NXT Womens Championship. Nattie recalls that this match is also in the name of family honor as Flair and Hart are famous wrestling families. Backstage, Summer, Eva and Rosa watch. Rosa mentions that TJ forgot Nattie’s birthday. Summer: “You can’t forget someone’s birthday when there’s Twitter.” (MATT: Jesus Christ, Summer…) Nattie, in true Charlie Brown fashion, loses the match. Rosa actually starts crying.

PHOENIX, AZ

B&B Appliances
Brie and Bryan are looking for a washer and dryer. Brie tells the camera that she spent weeks looking for just the right washer/dryer set and now she found one she loves — but Bryan wants to take a look at them before they buy it. Brie’s upset because she simply wanted to order online. Bryan suggests used sets, which disgusts Brie because she says that there are still germs from people’s old clothes. (MATT: And Bryan looks at her like…)


He wisely points out that she’s used public laundries and that clothes don’t assume the germs from other clothes. She yells at him for having to spend so much of her day driving him places and he points out that had she not slept in, it would not have been so much of her day. (MATT: For the record, Brie’s idea of “doing stuff on her own time” was “going to Yoga class”, which we all know doesn’t include membership fees and which you can’t do at home.) She insists they leave without buying anything. A Bella twin leaving a store without a purchase?! That’s a first. (MATT: Nice!)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie & TJ’s House
Nattie’s parents are in town along with “Doug”, listed as “a friend” (MATT:  and Nattie about her match with Charlotte Flair. She decides to throw herself a birthday party with sushi in hopes that “he’ll get the hint next year”. (MATT: That’s right. We’re passively-aggressively-VAGUELY punishing TJ for a severe marital misdeed.) TJ reveals he and her family got her a gift — an “anti-gravity” machine. “Russian Astronauts use it in space,” proclaims Doug in muted fashion. (MATT: Even Doug seems to know this was a bad idea.) Nattie gets on the platform and Doug turns it on. Nattie says the thing makes her want to pee and gets off of it. She’s insulted and walks out of the room. She wanted something romantic and girly, not something “she’ll use behind closed doors that makes me jiggle.” They argue in the garage to the point where she walks out to her car to get away and drives off somewhere.

Townplace Suites
Nattie’s alone but is psyched(MATT: That was a quick change of moods.) that Rosa wants to come and hang with her. Nattie brings ice cream and hummus. (MATT: What is this, Preggers-palooza?) Rosa invites her to her place to hang. Nattie says she just wants to go to bed. Rosa almost kisses her but leaves.

TAMPA, FL

Insignia Care for Women
Naomi is with…some guy I assume is her brother or something. They meet with her OB/GYN and Naomi finds out she has a polyp inside her uterus. The doc says that it needs to be taken out as they wouldn’t want it to develop further. Naomi tells the camera she’s worried about missing work.

SAN DIEGO, CA

John Cena’s (MATT: Penis Extension.) Ferrari (MATT: Same thing.)
Nikki looks listless as she tells Cena that Bryan called her, asking if she’s seen changes in Brie. She says she has and that she told Bryan that Brie is lashing out a lot more — especially to her. Cena wisely asks if she spoke to Brie and Nikki says she has not. Cena agrees an intervention might be a good idea. Cena asks what Nikki would tell her sister, to which Nikki replies, “Stop being a bitch.”

TAMPA, FL

The Pub (Restaurant)
Rosa invites some Divas to celebrate Nattie’s birthday. Cameron is there, too, and says she’s happy that she went back to NXT as it’s helping her career. Nattie greats Cameron, Naomi, Rosa, and Eva Marie. Rosa says her heart is so full, having Nattie be so happy. (MATT: This, after she hits on Naomi.) Rosa gives Nattie some lingerie and Nattie is taken by suprise, asking Rose how she knew Natti’es bra size. Rosa: “I see you naked all the time”. Rosa adds that it’s transparent so her nipples will show through. Naomi gives her bubble bath. (MATT: Because being 93 years old is hot.) Nattie says she’s very touched — and they even have a cake for her.

Naomi & Jimmy’s Hotel Room
Jimmy’s watching wrestling on his phone, (MATT: Only 9.9–wait. Does Jimmy get a company discount?) Naomi’s stomach aches and she asks for a rub. He does it but is upset it won’t lead to sex. She tells him that her body needs to heal. Jimmy says it won’t ever heal and he’s sick of waiting. (MATT: He’s SO romantic and caring.) Naomi tells the camera that she was told that the polyp might bleed out on its own and she’d prefer that to surgery. John wants her to fix it now so he can get some. They’re married now and he needs it, he says.

Boca (Restaurant)
Summer and Rosa are meeting Naomi for lunch. Summer says she matches Rosa as they are both wearing light blue dresses. The girls are concerned that Naomi has been bleeding for 2 months straight. Summer says that Naomi may have an iron deficiency. (MATT: Summer “Doctor Feelgood” Rae up in here.) Naomi is bummed she can’t please her husband. Rosa just can’t stop her lesbian urges and suggests doing a pole dancing class which she’s always wanted to take. (MATT: That’s what will make her feel better?)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s House
Bryan tells Nikki she must lead the intervention as he has to deal with her after she leaves. (MATT: Well, that was an intense meeting.)

TAMPA, FL

Impulse Pole Dancing Studio
Summer, Rosa and Naomi are off to take pole dancing classes. Naomi is nervous and says she needs to get her confidence up. They meet with their instructor, “Allie” and, soon, the ladies are making some moves. Summer comments on Naomi’s ass on camera, saying that she “needs to make it rain”. Naomi is a total pro and is ready to show Jon what she learned. (MATT: High-power Stripper Pole Aerobics — just fine. Sex — off-limits. Got it.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s House
Brie greets the dog warmly, Daniel somewhat, and Nikki, not at all. Nikki thinks Brie will not react well to this. Nikki starts the intervention and, predictably, Nikki was correct. Brie gets upset with Nikki — so Bryan steps in and starts telling Brie that he’s noticed Brie’s behavioral changes, too. Brie says she was irritated because they chose a washer and dryer that was perfect but Bryan changed his mind and wasted another hour somewhere else for no reason. Nikki says “the whole thing sounds silly”. Brie gets up, calls her a bitch and says she’ll “remember to fly all the way to Tampa” when Nikki’s acting the same way in the future. She goes to leave.

Bryan says they’re talking with Brie because they’re both concerned about her. Brie says she should be able to have bad times: she’s stressed with no money coming in and has no idea when she might go back on TV to work. Brie sarcastically says that she didn’t realize she was being such an awful human being and says she has no idea how to deal with her life. She’s frustrated they might never bring her back. (MATT: Wasn’t her quitting a work?! Am I nuts here?) Brie finally realizes that she’s been mean to Nikki and Bryan. (MATT: And apologizes to the dog. At least she didn’t take pole-dancing classes to please Josie.)

TAMPA, FL

Cheap (Night Club)
Rosa says everyone’s out for the night because tomorrow, everyone has a day off. Fandango asks if Rosa’s boobs are real. Rosa tells him they’re “real nice”. Fandango asks the hard questions and wonders where TJ’s at. (MATT: Fandango – FOX NEWS ANALYST!) Nattie won’t answer. Rosa tells the camera she wants Nattie to feel how hot she is — and tries to kiss her in front of everyone. Everyone’s kinda stunned. Nattie’s clearly pissed off that Rosa is that bold and gets up from the table to use the restroom. Nattie tells the camera she is not ok with that. Naomi tries to talk her down from her indignant mountain top, saying that Nattie is “overreacting”. (MATT: Even the women on this show are Mansplaining. Sheesh.) She says doesn’t want Rosa’s tongue down her throat just because she’s having issues with TJ. She ignores Rosa for the rest of the evening, saying she doesn’t know how to act toward her.

PHOENIX, AZ

Binks (Restaurant)
Bryan criticizes the shortness of Brie’s skirt. (MATT: And the skirt gets up and leaves. Wait…no. Sorry. Wine’s kicking in.) Brie argues that the skirt covers her ass. (MATT: What the fuck is with this show in terms of women’s sexuality?!) Mark Carrano calls Brie. Carrano says that she’s going to be back on TV this weekend. She’s thrilled to be coming back. Bryan rubs it in that he was right. Brie apologizes for “being a bitch”. They toast to all of this. (MATT: And then Bryan, who’s suddenly gay, acts like he doesn’t like how short Brie’s skirt is. This is so surreal to me.)

TAMPA, FL

Jimmy & Naomi’s Apartment
Naomi is making some sort of bracelet for Jimmy and she says she has a surprise for him. Jimmy’s grinning from ear to ear. (MATT: Curiously, his first reaction is, “Did I do something wrong?”) She gives him a stripper pole as a gift and offers to dance for him. He hates the present because Reality TV. “You’re just trying to put a Band-Aid on what really is going on,” he says. She tells Jimmy that she’s scared about the doctor and doesn’t want to be cut open. Jimmy asks her what happens if they say they have to take out an ovary. He says they won’t be able to have kids if that happens. He gets intense and Naomi tells him to back off. This pisses him off, so he throws the present across the room and leaves. (MATT: So…no dance then, or…?) She tells him to sit down and that she heard what he said. She said she is scared. He says she needs to get this taken care of. Naomi has changed her mind and she will make an appointment. Jimmy says the stripper pole is now “the best gift he’s ever gotten.” (MATT: Wha…? I…come on…)

PITTSBURGH, PA for FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN

Backstage
Nattie pulls Rosa aside to talk to Rosa about trying to kiss her. Rosa says she wanted to (MATT: …fuck Nattie.) make Nattie feel confident (MATT: So she could fuck her.) Rosa says that if girls hit on Nattie, then (MATT: Nattie will want to fuck Rosa.) Nattie will know that she’s “hot”. So, complimenting her couldn’t have worked? Nattie says she knows Rosa means well. Rosa goes Full Jared and says she knows that TJ “isn’t giving it to her at home”. Nattie says they’re not in the First Grade. They joke about the kiss. Then Rosa slaps Nattie’s ass as they walk backstage. Nattie tells her to stop it again. (MATT: But unwanted sexual advances are sooooo HOT, Nattie!)

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant in Tampa
Nattie meets TJ for dinner. She’s wearing one of his sweatshirts, which he likes. She says that she thinks he doesn’t pay enough romantic attention to her. He says she literally ran from her problems. She says she feels like nothing will change if she comes home and adds, “I think we do better when we’re not around each other.” She doesn’t know if she can or wants to do this anymore. He says that 12 years being together was no problem for them, but he’s shocked that one year of marriage was a problem. Nattie looks ready to say something — but Mark Carrano calls her and she tells TJ she has to go…and takes the call.

That’s the show.

DANIELLE

This week’s hug goes to…NAOMI: Despite her attitude of capitulation, she sweetly tried to do something for Jimmy, even though it hurt her.

This week’s punch goes to…TIE BETWEEN NIKKI & ROSA: Nikki’s on a streak. Even when she’s well-meaning, she comes off as arrogant and selfish. And Rosa is certifiable and doesn’t know which way is up.

MATT

This week’s hug goes to…NAOMI: Barring the fact that we’re supposed to buy that she’s in no shape for sex but has the physical strength to do a pole dance, issues like hers are something I always sympathize with. She seems genuinely sweet…except when she’s excusing Rosa’s behavior and cow-towing to her abusive husband.

Annoying Diva of the Week is…TIE BETWEEN NIKKI, ROSA, BRIE, & CAMERON: Let’s see here. Nikki and Brie are pretty much the same person with different selfish issues. Rosa is practically a lesbian date rapist and Cameron, in just the short minute she was shown, is still intensely whiny and annoying.

Er…that’s it.