Matt’s Main Event Recap – 9/30/2014

      No Comments on Matt’s Main Event Recap – 9/30/2014

Hello! I am back to spread the hate!

Because THAT is what I do.

I can’t formulate a response to Andy PG’s “open letter”. I liked it. Dude has passion. I like passion. Holy shit if it hasn’t gotten Danielle writing and both of us collaborating each week.

So, I must say…

Andy, write what you want, brother. I’ll see you on BOD RAW!!!

Also, speaking of hate and other “notable” things: I was blocked for 24 hours by Wikipedia for attempting to make edits to the Zoe Quinn/GamerGate affair so that it was more neutral. I have no interest in saying that one side is more important than the other.

It’s funny, though: I remember when you practically had to hop on a plan and punch the admins in the back of the head to get a ban. Now, it’s pretty much saying, “I wanna edit this right here,” that gets you banned.

But, I am proud to be blocked for rustling some jimmies. Makes me smile when I think about it.

Seriously. The only difference between me and Will in this picture is
that Will’s missing a glass of wine in his hand. Also, I’m white.

Tune in next week when I upload videos of myself bending a pile of iPhones while watching WWE Network!

Let’s get started, shall we?

We are LIVE(!) from Milwaukee, Wisconsin!

Byron Saxton and Michael Cole are the guys on the mics tonight.

Swagger is out for a match to lead us off…

MATCH #1: Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Cesaro
Cesaro says that the only difference between Jack Swagger and a battery is that a battery has a positive side. “Cesaro…OUT!” So, I guess he’s auditioning late for Letterman’s spot. Swagger takes Cesaro down to the mat with a Greco Roman throw. Cesaro gets up and it’s another grapple. Cesaro with a headlock but Swagger breaks and tries a Swagger Bomb after putting Cesaro to the mat. Cesaro gets his feet up and Swagger goes down. Cesaro hits a sitting dropkick off the ropes and puts Swagger in an armlock. Swagger breaks but Cesaro hits a modified Cobra Clutch. Swagger gets out again but Cesaro dumps him from the ring and hits a Double Axehandle off the top rope. We go to break.

We’re back and it’s yet, ANOTHER Cesaro Clutch. Swagger breaks and tries to dump Cesaro out of the ring but Cesaro lands on the mat outside the ropes, drops Swagger’s neck on the ropes and hits another axehandle off the ropes, getting two. Cesaro hits another one. He tries a third but Swagger gets to his feet and attacks Cesaro on the buckle. He tosses Cesaro to the mat and hits the Swagger Bomb for two. After Cesaro counters on a charge, Swagger hits a nice belly to belly suplex for two. He goes for the Gut Wrench but Cesaro counters.

He gets to his feet but Swagger hits the Patriot Lock. Cesaro immediately gets to the ropes. Swagger hits a Big Boot and gets another two count. Swagger tries the Patriot Lock again but Cesaro hits an Enzuguri and then puts Swagger to the mat. He goes for a Neutralizer but Swagger counters with a back drop. Cesaro kicks out but Swagger immediately hits the Patriot Lock. Cesaro makes it to the bottom rope. While the ref deals with the ring skirt that Cesaro was pulling on, Cesaro gouges Swagger in the eyes and hits the big uppercut for the win at 10:11.
WINNER: Cesaro via uppercut
RATING: **1/4. Not a bad match, all told. I like these two together.

TONIGHT: Mark Henry faces Bo Dallas since their RAW match was a real classic.

Holy shit, there’s a backstage office on Main Event. And Kane is the “boss”. And Natalya’s there to bug him. This is wrestling gold. Nattie says that Tyson Kidd is in a rut right now due to injuries sustained in NXT. Natalya wants Tyson in a match on Main Event. Kidd shows up. The two argue as Kane can’t shut them up. Finally, he loses his shit and tells Tyson that he has his match tonight.

Cole plugs the Susan G. Komen / WWE partnership and we get clips of Hogan’s spot last night on RAW. (If anyone wants to get more info, please go to http://www.komen.org/wwe. I have many women in my life who have both perished from (and survived) breast cancer. I know many of you do, too.)

MATCH #2: Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) vs. Kofi Kingston
Tyson Kidd’s only here because of Total Divas. Just remember that. Tyson hits an armlock but Kofi flips around Roger Rabbit after a glass of whiskey and throws Kidd out of the ring. Kofi tries a Suicide Dive — but Kidd hides behind Nattie. Kidd gets back in the ring and takes over, getting Kofi in the corner and slingshotting his head into the bottom buckle. Headlock by Kidd. He puts Kofi in a tree of woe and asks Nattie to slap Kofi around. Nattie won’t. Kidd yells at her like a good husband. Kofi leaps off the buckle because Kofi doesn’t get tangled on the buckle. He flies all over the ring, hitting splashes and flips and clothesline and it’s basically like your kid brother hitting 150 reversals because he doesn’t know any moves and he’s just mashing buttons. Series of roll-ups by both guys and two-counts abound. Kidd hits a nice neckbreaker and NEARLY gets a fall. Kidd tries a springboard elbow drop off the top rope but Kofi knees him and hits the S.O.S. — getting only two because Tyson got the ropes. Kofi flies at Kidd in the corner but Kidd moves and tries a Sharpshooter. Kofi struggles but Kidd turns it. Kofi struggles…but taps out at 5:33.
WINNER: Tyson Kidd via Sharpshooter
RATING: **1/4. Good, quick match. Kidd and Kofi really work well together.

RAW REBOUND: The whole Ambrose/Cena/Rollins/MITB case/dildo-in-case/Authority fiasco.

Cole says that John Cena and Dean Ambrose will discuss this issue on Smackdown.

Luke Harper is being re-branded from pieces of stuff. So…he’s pretty much the same, I guess.

Renee Young has Mark Henry. She shows Henry clips of his match from RAW. Henry says he’s had a hard time lately. But he’s gonna throw Dallas like a lawn dart. Because that’s what he does. Mark Henry. He throws people like lawn darts. All the time.

THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Sheamus & Ziggler face The Miz and Damien Miz-dow.

MATCH #3: Summer Rae & Layla vs. Brie Bella in a Handicap Match
This match is happening because Brie has to suffer the same fate as NIkki for four weeks. Layla goes first. Summer distracts Brie and Layla knocks her down. It’s a series of tags in and out where Brie gets stomped in the chest over and over by the two because Layla botches everything she does, so it’s best to limit her. Summer gets into the ring and kicks Brie in the head as Nikki watches from backstage. More quick tags and more Brie peril until Brie fights back and kicks Layla in the gut and knees her in the head. Summer distracts again and Layla takes over again, hitting a HORRIBLE looking cross body on Brie for two. Summer tries to hold Brie for a double team but Brie escapes and runs at Layla. Brie tries to toss Layla at Summer but Layla reverses it. Brie slides out of the ring, trips Summer whose head hits the mat, and Brie flies into the ring again, hitting the Bella Buster on Layla for the win at 3:20.
WINNER: Brie Bella via Bella Buster
RATING: *3/4. Summer and Layla can barely wrestle.

NEXT: The Bo Dallas / Mark Henry epic rematch 2: electric bugaloo.

WWE apologized for Big Show’s degradation of the Russian flag on RAW. I’m more frightened of the Troglodytes who were cheering at the top of their lungs for that.

MATCH #4: Bo Dallas vs. Mark Henry
We’re under 10 minutes left on this program already. Dallas kills even more time with a Bo-lieve monologue where he tells Henry to get a hobby like a cooking class. Henry rushes at Dallas, pounding on him and ramming his head into the buckle and just throwing him (but not like a lawn dart) into the buckle. More hot turnbuckle action and a shot to Dallas’s ribs. He slaps at Dallas, telling him to “inspire him”. He headbutts Dallas and stomps at him. So, the ref DQ’s Henry at 2:00. What a “main event”, folks.
WINNER: Bo Dallas via DQ
RATING: DUD.

Post-match, Henry grabs Dallas and hits the World’s Strongest Slam on Bo Dallas — then does it again. He asks for a mic and tells Dallas, “That’s what I do!”

Henry leaves as we go off the air.

OVERALL: **. The show kinda got worse as it went along but at least it wasn’t this week’s RAW.

Thomas Hall has the NXT and Smackdown recaps to take you through
the rest of the week. Scott Keith and Brian Bayless have some retro shows. Andy PG will
have the RAW Report to start your week off right. I
will be back next week, same BoD Time, same BoD Channel.

Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/