Matt’s Main Event Recap – 9/23/2014

Andy PG and I had some disagreements over Night of Champions.

I thought the show was pretty much an episode of RAW — minus Ambrose teleporting around like the fucking Prestige or silly Total Divas bullshit, mind you — but it was RAW, especially with a distraction finish and DQ finish where Rollins didn’t cash in because #CENAALWAYSPREVAILSLOL.

Andy PG took the Russell Crowe in Gladiator route and shouted, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!”

Sure. I was entertained — to a point. I tried to explain my case, but Andy wouldn’t have it, claiming that my expectations are unrealistic.

Yeah, ok. I can see that. I’m some guy writing reviews about a show that has a wrestler in a Bunny suit executing Springboard Enzuguris. The expectations, needless to say, are pitifully low. The logic here is that I shouldn’t get my hopes up.

The thing is, I’ve seen “good”. I’ve seen “great”. So have you.

* and ** ratings don’t exist simply because we’re just kidding about how awful the Divas matches are — there are bad matches. We had a few at Night of Champions. We have more than a few on RAW, Main Event and Smackdown.

Superstars is your * bouquet — but, luckily, nobody counts that bullshit.

My ultimate point is that wrestling, no matter how fantastically and facetiously theatrical it is, is a guilty pleasure — but there’s good Guilty Pleasure and bad Guilty Pleasure. Lately, WWE has been drunkenly falling into the latter realm.

But what the fuck does anyone care? It’s my opinion. Andy has his. Tommy has his. Scott’s got his. Bayless has his.

You all have yours.

If anyone wants a real complaint, I’m sick of Blogger’s goddamn Jump Break Insert constantly spacing articles about 8 lines. That’s some real annoying shit, Blogger.

Rip me a new one in the comments, please.

Nanu.

Let’s go…

We are LIVE(!) from Little Rock, Arkansas on WWE Network!

Byron Saxton is STILL putting up with Michael Cole on the mic for some reason!

TONIGHT: The Miz will host MixTV and his guest is Dean Ambrose. 

Adam Rose, The Bunny, and The Short Bus Exotic Express arrive to do commentary because this SlaterGator/Adam Rose feud is that intense. Also, Bunny doesn’t speak. Because Bunnies don’t speak. This is so Avant Garde.

MATCH #1: SlaterGator (Heath Slater & Titus O’Neil vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito)
The Express sings over and over. Slater tells them to shut up so Rose shuts them up. Slater’s in there with a Matador. Which one? Nobody knows or cares. The match is over at 1:24 after a Matador shoves a distracted Slater into O’Neil, then gets hit with a Cross Body for the pinfall.
WINNERS: Los Matadores
RATING: DUD. 

Post-match, it’s a party. El Torito does the Worm. Bunny does the Running Man. Torito gyrates. Bunny takes off his mask and it’s Alberto Del Rio!

Good. Wanted to make sure you were paying attention here.

ON RAW: Rollins commits Grand Theft Auto and steals a car. You’d think Ambrose would be able to teleport into the backseat but the ensuing fight would have been dangerous.

We get the WWE 2K15 gameplay trailer and a look at Sting in the game.

Here’s Mark Henry to make an apology to America. Again. For realz this time because he’s wearing a suit. He blames his losses on the fans. He says America loves winners and is obsessed with winning at the expense of people who try hard. Henry goes to leave the ring — but here comes Big Show, sans music, because this whole thing is that intense.

The crowd is so quiet, you can hear the arena’s air conditioning. He says that Henry is his brother from another mother. He says that Henry would eat his snacks while on the road. He loved Henry so much, he let it go. He says he feels bad for Henry but he will do his best to help Henry get past this. Henry agrees and they leave the ring happy.

Dear Cole, it’s no longer “Breaking News” when Reigns’ hernia surgery happened on Sunday. We get the news report anyhow.

Then we go over Cena and Broke Lesnar at Night of Champions. Crowd. Is. DEAD. Almost halfway into a 53 minute show and we’ve had just over 80 seconds of wrestling. 20 seconds of that involved actual contact.

TONIGHT: Seth Rollins runs away from Dean Ambrose.

AJ is out to do commentary for the next match and we get this exchange:

COLE: “Are you afraid of Byron?”
AJ: “No…”
COLE: “Why are you sitting so far away from him?”
AJ: “I get that from men a lot…”

MATCH #2: Naomi vs. Paige
Naomi hits some sitting dropkicks, then high kicks Paige. Paige tosses Naomi into the corner. Naomi leaps onto Paige’s shoulders and rubs her ass in Paige’s face. Paige hits a high roundhouse kick and gets two. She knees Naomi in the ribs from outside the ropes and stomps Naomi in the corner. She yanks Naomi up by the hair, turns, yells at AJ, then nearly gets rolled up for a pin. Naomi hits some dropkicks and a nice Frankensteiner, then hits a sick DDT using her legs, nearly getting a fall. She climbs on Paige in the corner and starts punching away but Paige moves and drops Naomi’s head on the buckle. She gets the pin at 3:07, putting her feet on the ropes to secure the pin.
WINNER: Paige
RATING: *1/2. As good as it was gonna get. 

Post-match, AJ attacks Paige with the belt and then leaves. Paige screams and this thing just continues.

STILL TO COME: MizTV with Dean Ambrose.

Commercial for WrestleMania 31 — about 10 miles down the freeway from us, actually.

Cole brings us back to RAW, when Cena and Ambrose tried to beat the snot out of Rollins, got locked in a room with one door, then appeared from underneath Kane and Rollins brick trap.

THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN: The Usos face the WWE Tag Team Champions Gold & Stardust in a rematch.

Renee Young has the Usos backstage. They’re psyched for their rematch. They respect the Dusts. They won the titles fair and square…but that’s Night of Champions. It’s a new day on Smackdown.

Bo Dallas is grinning and is headed to the ring from backstage…NEXT.

Before the match, Bo has a mic and says that he had no idea Kofi still worked here. Instead of saying “Boom, boom, boom”, Kofi should say, “Bo! Bo! Bo!”

MATCH #3: Bo Dallas vs. Kofi Kingston
Bo facing the other half of the NEW NATION? Whoa…my heart can’t contain my excitement. Kofi gets some early kicks but Bo takes over, kicking Kofi in the corner, then hitting a short-arm clothesline. Headlock by Dallas but Kofi breaks it, hitting a dropkick. He tries a Slingshot but Dallas counters and reverses and slingshots Kofi. Kofi catches the buckle and hits a Cross Body for two. Kofi tries the same on a counter on an Irish Whip. Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise…and wins?! Holy shit. 2:19 was the time.
WINNER: Kofi Kingston via Trouble in Paradise
RATING: **. That’s generous but Kofi looked good here.

Cole: “There ya’ go! Kofi’s relevant again!” Oversells Bunny, short-sells Kofi. Nice job, Cole.

MizTV is NEXT!

It’s time for MizTV.

Out come The Miz and Damien Miz-dow. Miz says an amateur would come out to the ring and say it’s all about him. Sandow lip-syncs everything that Miz says because this is what he’s been reduced to. Miz loses his shit when he reflects on losing the title again on RAW. But he recovers and introduces Dean Ambrose.

Dean shakes Miz’s hand and Miz shows the clip of the Cinder Block Curb Stomp. Miz says his “inside sources” say that Ambrose ended up with severe head and spine trauma — then disappeared. He wants to know what kind of drugs Ambrose went on to recover. Ambrose asks if Miz thinks he’s funny. Miz simply says that any normal person would have had their career end.

Ambrose says he isn’t a normal person. Miz calls him insane as Sandow mirrors everything he says and does because that’s exactly what stunt doubles do, see…

Miz shows us clips from RAW we saw minutes ago. Miz asks how he was able to get into the box from the locked room.

Ambrose: “Uh…there was a back door. The Authority put me in a room with two doors. I mean…I’m not Houdini. Sorry if you feel cheated.”

Miz says he does feel cheated — just like he was cheated in the IC Title rematch. He loses his shit again, so Ambrose beats him and Sandow up, then puts Miz back into his chair, unconscious and walks out.

If Miz retires, does Sandow imitate that, too? That would be great.

We go off the air.

OVERALL: DUD. As Danielle put it while I was watching this: “This was the worst episode since this show was put on the air.”

Er, that’s it…


Thomas Hall has the NXT and Smackdown recaps to take you through
the rest of the week. Scott Keith and Brian Bayless have some retro shows. Andy PG will
have the RAW Report to start your week off right. I
will be back next week, same BoD Time, same BoD Channel.

Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
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