Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 3 – “Roadside Rumble”

In our last episode, “Mo’ Marriage, Mo’
Problems”, we saw what happened when some of our Divas were pushed to
their personal limits.

  • Told she would no longer be in The Funkadactyls as a tag team
    wrestler, and would instead be Naomi’s valet, Cameron decided to return
    to NXT to gather more skills and come back stronger. She made rational
    arguments, she cried, and even though it might mean losing Naomi as a
    friend and tag team partner forever, she’s going for it.
  • Nikki was forced to tell John Cena she was freezing her eggs (when
    he found her syringes). His first guess was that she was using illegal
    drugs, which says a lot about he sees her. She told him she would stop
    the procedure if he wanted her to, he passive aggressively said he
    didn’t but made jokes about her the procedure all week, and then after
    spending time with her cute nieces and nephews (to fully drive home the
    point with viewers), she decided to do the procedure even though she
    will have to give up wrestling, alcohol and sex for that time. Really, I
    don’t know which of the three will be harder for her to give up.
  • Brie and Daniel Bryan argued about their new house. Basically they
    bought a house they liked and wanted to turn it into one they loved by
    changing everything about it practically. They both wanted many things
    added, but different and expensive things. Brie pouted, and went table
    shopping without him, but when she was forced to confront the fact that
    due to his neck injury and surgery he would be out of wrestling for a
    while and might lose the Championship Title, she decided to compromise
    about things for and in the house (ironically advice given to her by
    Nikki who probably had to Google the word to give this advice).

This episode is billed as showing “why coworkers shouldn’t
carpool”. Considering Matt and I have both been in carpools together, at
one point in the same one with someone else — and our mutual
experiences have shown they can be out of control — we both can’t wait
to see what happens with the Divas carpooling together. Limits will be
reached for sure on this episode!

CHICAGO, IL

WWE Payback 2014 – Ringside
Stephanie’s
music plays and she comes out and invites Daniel Bryan to return. He
has the belts, but is wearing a neck brace over his Cesar
Chavez-inspired YES shirt. Brie joins him and tells the camera that the
best thing about the show is that they can incorporate some of their
real lives in, like his surgery. It’s the whole bit where Steph asks
Bryan to surrender the title or Brie gets canned. As if The Authority
couldn’t just strip him of them? (MATT: Yeah, I think we all said the same.)
Brie says she can’t be fired because she quits and then slaps
Stephanie. Initially, when I saw this episode, I thought that Brie would
announce she was preggers. Apparently, this didn’t happen.

Backstage 
Brie (who is there with Bryan) tells Nikki that, with her absence, she will have the time to nurse Daniel Bryan back to help. (MATT: There’s a lot of talk about the Bellas “nursing” their guys. We never see this happening. I feel profoundly ripped off.) Guess they spent so much on his solar panels, they can’t afford a real nurse. (MATT: Hi-yoooo!)
She admits, to the camera, that she quit on camera to as part of the
storyline to help him in real life. Nikki tells them that the rumors are
that she’s pregnant and that’s why she’s taking time off. Bryan says
he’s “trying to get it done”. Brie says they’re having fun “trying”.
Yes, because the best time to
start a family is when you have one breadwinner out with a disability on
a job that probably doesn’t even give disability benefits and the
other just quit their job. (MATT: If Brie was preggers, wouldn’t she tell Nikki before she had to ask?) 

Total Divas Titles.

PHOENIX, AZ

Noca (Restaurant)
“This place is cute,” Brie says as they (MATT: …plug…) enter
“Noca”. Brie, Bryan, Kathy (Brie’s mom), JJ and Lauren are getting
together to have dinner. Brie is wearing a white seedbead headband,
something, I guess she supposes makes her look like a bride. (MATT: But makes her look Yuppie-Hippy instead.)
Kathy gives Bryan a copy of the book, “Walk Away Wealthy”. He agrees
the plan is to leave the business wealthy. The cameras flash to two days
ago where they agreed they have no backup plan. In fact, Bryan says he
doesn’t have any skills. I disagree. He can rally the crowd like few
wrestlers can do. (MATT: Let me just put “Excels at rallying crowds” on my resume and see how far that gets me…)
When his career ends, he has the charisma to do something with
motivating people either in large groups or one on one. Kathy suggests
they come into JBN (Kathy’s recruiting firm) the next day and find what
they are passionate about. Brie asks if they have to dress up. Kathy
says they should dress to make an impression. Bryan jokes he should go
in tie dye but “people might hit me up for drugs.” (MATT: Ok,
forgiving the fact that they’ve been out of wrestling for all of two
minutes and they’re considering temp work that wouldn’t pay a credit
card bill, Nikki and Brie dress fancy to get a Slurpee at 7-11 and she’s
asking if she needs to dress fancy for a job interview?)

GREENSBOROUGH, WI

Friday Night Smackdown – Ringside
Adam
Rose and the Exotic Express make an appearance and come out to his
music. This is one wrestler and gimmick Matt and I don’t agree on. (MATT: This.) Matt
and I went to different colleges with vastly different party scenes (or
lack thereof). I think the gimmick is hysterical, something in some
ways not too far away from a frat party or two I attended. Matt thinks
the whole lot of them need to grow up and the bunny especially needs to
go. (MATT: I went to school in San Luis Obispo and saw my fair share
of parties. Save for costume parties, I don’t remember the students
dancing around like idiots, looking like a costume shop threw up on
them. This is WWE not having one clue about these things, imagining what
they think a party would look like. On top of that, the
character sucks. There’s nothing to latch on to and there’s no feud that
would work to get him higher than a comedy wrestler.)

Ringside/Backstage (Alternating)
Backstage,
Natalya, Eva Marie and Nikki arbitrarily stop in a small storage room
to watch the match on a randomly-placed HD screen. (MATT: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wandered backstage and walked into a storage room so that I can watch stuff.)

Layla is shown, briefly, outside the ring and the show helpfully identifies her as Fandango’s “New Valet”. Fandango loses (MATT: LOL) as Adam Rose and the whole Exotic Express group celebrates…except for the somebody in a chicken costume.

(MATT: “Bawk, bawk, bawk…happy nightmares, kids!”)

The chicken takes off her mask and, wouldn’t you know it: it’s Summer Rae. (MATT: The chicken suit was more attractive.) She declares (to the camera) that she’s back. In the ring, she starts pummeling Layla.

Natalya
doesn’t look at all happy and tells the camera that Summer is a drama
queen and they show us flashbacks from previous episodes where nobody
likes Summer. Natalya compares Summer’s presence to “having sand in your
bikini”. (MATT: Summer’s like bikini sand, Rosa’s like Hitler,
watching Rosa is like cleaning a toilet…Nattie should have been a beat
poet.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s House
Brie
and Bryan get dressed for their interview and we’re asked to suspend
our disbelief as they go Full Retard and pretend to not know anything
about dressing up at all. Daniel Bryan pulls on socks that look like
they belong to Ronald McDonald’s gay cousin and Brie’s especially
nervous…

(MATT: Spoiler Alert – Brie’s probably not getting a job.)

JBN & Associates, LLC
Bryan and Brie meet their adviser, Vanessa. He admits that he was dressed by Brie. (MATT: Excellent start to this interview.) Vanessa
asks if they have resumes. They sit in stunned silence. She asks what
skills they have. Bryan says he has his resume “on his brain” and says
he’s WWE Champion. Brie says she hates routine while Bryan says he isn’t
a people person. Then he brags that he has 1.4 million Twitter
followers (MATT: Being the non-people person he is.) as well as
the YES chant. Vanessa sits there, looking constipated. She asks Bryan
if he seriously thinks he can feed a family with the YES chant. Brie
tells the camera that this isn’t going well and expresses disappointment
that they couldn’t just get a job and that they actually need to “dig
down deep”. (MATT: Repeating First Grade English might be a start.)

TAMPA, FL

Gym Workout
Nattie and (MATT: Hitler…) Rosa (MATT: Same thing.)
are working out. The girls compare asses. Rosa tells the camera she
feels more confident with Nattie taking her under her wing. Summer Rae
shows up and hugs Rosa. She’s been shooting “The Marine 4” with The Miz.
Apparently, it’s one of the largest WWE film franchises and a cash cow
for the company. Nattie is not pleased to see Summer and says that she’s
surprised Summer didn’t hook up with any of the hot actors. Nattie
already shows fangs and tells Summer that Layla is “killing it” as
Fandango’s valet because “she’s actually a dancer” and doesn’t need to
seduce somebody to get what she wants. Summer looks incredulous. Summer
builds herself up and says she had fun. Rosa says the girls will be
jealous of her because of the movie shoot. Nattie begs to differ and
says that the Bellas did The Flintstones and AJ got to put her voice in
the Scooby Doo animated film. Summer tries to rebut this but Nattie
simply interrupts and says, “We’re trying to work out.”

Nattie
excuses herself to lift her little 5 pound weights. Rosa and Nattie say
good-bye — but not before Rosa makes her feel her abs and boobs. (MATT: This is all well and good…but nobody’s said “vagina” yet, so this episode doesn’t feel “official”…)
After she’s gone, Rosa asks Nattie what that was about. Nattie says she
can’t stand Summer and she’s trying to get to Nattie by getting close
to Rosa. (MATT: Wait…Nattie doesn’t care about Rosa either…this makes WWE booking look well-nuanced.)
Rosa pretty much says that this is all in Nattie’s head. Nattie says
Rosa has no concept of what Summer is all about because Summer hasn’t
burned her yet.

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s house
Byran
is on Insider Monkey looking for the most profitable businesses to
start but isn’t sure he should trust a site called “Insider Monkey”. He
says they could be property owners and lease their buildings out to
dentists. Brie says that they can’t be dentists. Bryan has to explain
the light bulb above his head: “We wouldn’t be dentists…we’d have offices for the dentists.”

(MATT: Brie’s had enough of your shit, Bryan.)

Brie suggests having a bed and breakfast with a
“green” focus and tells the camera that they’ve always wanted to retire
in Flagstaff and do something like this. They’re all in until Bryan
finds out that a ten-acre lot costs about $3 million bucks. Bryan finds a
house for nearly a million. She wants a business with good energy and
sex. He suggest opening a B&B catering to swingers. Brie’s not
having that.

MEANWHILE, IN…

(MATT: Home of cable cars, MUNI, and the Golden Gate!)

Eva & John’s car
Eva Marie, Bollywood Star, and her husband, Not John Cena, drive in her car.

(MATT: “Chamma Chamma…Chamma Chamma…Chamma Chamma…Baaje Reee…”)

Eva asks if John likes her headpiece. Considering
Brie was wearing one at one point, WWE must be doing some advertising.
Either that or it’s Arbitrary Headpiece Day on the show. Eva wants a
stress-free day: no getting into the planning and no talk about the
religion aspect of things. John says he’ll just say they’re discussing
it. Eva’s a bit hesitant about that. John says that they’re not talking
about it “Ad naseum”. Eva: “OMG…stop using your big words.” (MATT: All review, I’ve been resisting using my Stupid Nikki pic…I’m barely able to hold back that urge…)

PHOENIX, AZ

Abineau Lodge 
Bryan
and Brie are checking out their next new potential career as B&B
owners. They meet with Sharon Conte, a realtor, and Wendy White, the
owner. They look at the different rooms and find out that each one is decorated just slightly different, with cute patchwork quilts and oak beds and paneling. (MATT: It falls somewhere between your parents’ 60’s cabin in Tahoe and a place where a serial killer would hide the bodies.) Their
dog, Josie, is there because they want to see if Josie is comfy with
the place. Brie’s stoked with the place. Bryan loves it, too, but he
says they’ll go into debt if they have to take out a loan to pay for it.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN…

(MATT: Home of Castro Street, Alcatraz and your two-time World Champion San Francisco Giants!)

Eva Marie’s Parent’s House
Eva Marie is
having a BBQ with her family and friends, which includes her
bridesmaids. Though pushed to join in, john refused to be in their
“Horseshoe Tournament” as he “doesn’t want to beat them on their own
turf”. (MATT: Ah, Horseshoes. Beer Pong’s macho hick predecessor.) Her
brothers ask about the conversion thing. Eva tries to get them to drop
the topic but they surround Jon like L.A. gang members and push it. Then
Jon takes it from her parents. Her Dad says he was raised Catholic and
raised his kids that way. He asks Eva that if it was up to her, would
they have Catholic wedding. Eva she says she would. Jon says she’s
throwing him under the bus. He excuses himself maturely and walks away
from the table and even the house.

When we come back from break, it’s Big Trouble in Little Concord.

Eva
follows Jon out to the street. He tells her to stay away from him for a
few minutes because he just needs to decompress. He says he’s being
thrown under the bus because she won’t stand up to her family. He tells
her that he understands the passion she has to not disappoint her family
but that he’s also family now and that he deserves the same passion —
only more so. She says she feels so much pressure to not disappoint,
especially as the only girl and with her Dad so sick. She wants the
wedding to be the happiest day of everyone’s life. He gets that…but he
says the request to have him be somebody he’s not is ridiculous. (MATT: Let’s stretch this angle out over four more episodes. It really shouldn’t be this hard to figure out.)

SAN DIEGO, CA

The Wood (Restaurant)
Nikki
and Brie are dressed like a Nautica ad and they’re having drinks.
Because of Brie’s out-of-the-blue invite and insistence on seeing her,
Nikki asks if Brie is pregnant — then realizes that Brie ordered a
drink, so that can’t be it.

(MATT: “I’s so smart!”)

Brie explains her “back-up plan”. Nikki mocks Brie
for failing the career assessment test to which Brie replies,
“Yeah…bitch…anyway…”. She proposes her B&B idea and explains
the benefits: sustainable, good clientele, etc. She says that the only
problem is financing this so that they can get started…so, what if she
could borrow from her and John. Nikki’s stunned. Brie continues to
explain that they can manage about $50K but is asking Nikki and John for
the rest: $100K. Nikki thinks Cena will let them have an interest-free
loan, then says that Brie and Bryan could pay back $2K a month. Brie’s
all good with this…despite the fact that it isn’t Nikki’s money. Nikki
explains that she doesn’t wanna let her sister down and that she
doesn’t know if it’s the Vodka that’s making the hotel proposal sound
good or if it’s because this is two people living their dream — but she
wants in.

CONCORD, CA
(MATT: Home of Pier 39! The Embarcadero! Ghiradelli Squ–!)
(DANIELLE: They get it already! Fuck!)

Eva Marie’s Parents’ House
Eva starts baby-talking to her Dad. (MATT: *Shudder*…)
She fights back tears, saying that she has to have her husband’s back.
She wants a Catholic wedding so as not to disappoint her Dad…but Jon
won’t convert. That’s that. Eva’s Dad says that it’s their life and
that’s their decision and he’ll support her even if it’s not a Catholic
wedding. Eva’s Dad (MATT: …suddenly channeling a wide-eyed, shouty Al Pacino for some reason…) declares that they’ll be happy if his kids are happy.

(MATT: “Hoo-ah!”)

They hug it out and you can’t tell where Eva went because her hair is the same color as her Dad’s shirt. (MATT: Which is either a weird metaphor for past incestual contact or a goofy coincidence.) Eva’s
happy and tells the camera that she’s so happy that her Dad is happy.
Eva Marie tells Jon that she is so in love with him. She says this whole
ordeal has made them stronger.

SAN DIEGO, CA

The Promiscuous Fork (Restaurant)
Nikki (MATT: Suddenly dubbed “Nicole” because this part is real important…)
and John are having lunch. Nikki drops the B&B thing on Cena,
saying they’re gonna do it. Cena’s not thrilled about their plans,
contending that it’s a risk. She tells the camera that she thinks John
will go for the loan idea as he has great business sense. She drops the
loan idea on Cena. Nikki proposes that they could pay him back in 6 1/2
years at 2K a year. John does not look happy at all and just says, “No.”
Nikki looks shocked and says, “This didn’t go as planned.” (MATT: Oh, that crazy Nikki!) Cena
asks Nikki if she’s serious, saying that he would be coughing up $100K
at a start-up business, owned by two people with no experience at
running a B&B or any sort of similar establishment. He says he can’t
do something like that. He lost money on every friend and family member
who borrowed money from him to start a business. He says he is
sympathetic to Brie and Bryan’s plight and that Nikki’s intentions are
good…but he can’t take a risk like that. Cena says he’ll even tell
Brie why he can’t do it and he’ll do it nicely. Their food arrives and
he says, “I like hamburgers…doesn’t mean that I wanna open up a burger
joint.” (MATT: Yeah, just because he likes wrestling doesn’t mean he can wrestle either.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Bryan’s house
Bryan
asks if Brie asked John for a loan. Brie denies doing so. Bryan says
Cena just called about it. Brie smirks, giving away the game. Bryan
tells Brie that this isn’t funny and that Brie shouldn’t have even asked
him for the money. He says they’re married and every decision they make
is one that is made together, with communication. Bryan says this makes
him look like crap and that he’s unable to support his family. Brie
says, “You’re acting like this is serious.” Bryan: “It IS!” Bryan’s
pissed and walks out of the room. Brie says he’s being “rude”. (MATT: The Bellas ain’t never getting out of the “Annoying Divas” realm, are they?)

MINNEAPOLIS, MN

Backstage at the Target Center – Monday Night RAW
Rosa invited Summer to ride with her and Natalya. (MATT: Because plot contrivance.) As both Rosa and Natty each paid half of the rental car, Rosa figured she’s entitled to invite others to ride. (MATT:
Flashback here shows Summer complaining to Rosa that when she drives,
the “drive is really long”. I couldn’t make this up if I were pounding
12 beers a minute.)
Summer offers to drive and Nattie denies that
request. Nattie says that if she knew Summer was coming, she would have
gotten a bigger car. (MATT: Not letting us down in the Hyperbole
department, Nattie says that inviting Summer to ride in the same car is
like “Allowing somebody to bring a deadly rattlesnake to ride along.”)

When
we come back from break, it’s night time in the car. Everyone’s quiet.
Suddenly, Natalya feels the need to start talking about their recent
live events and complains about having a cold. Nattie mentions that she
can’t smell things or taste food because of a nasal issue she has.
Summer tries to ask if it’s a condition she’s had for a while. Nattie
says it isn’t. Summer tells the camera that Nattie is blaming her nose
issues on her because of last season, when she slapped Nattie in the
face and hit her nose. Summer finally asks if it’s because of the slap.
Nattie says she heard rumors that Summer says she’s been faking the
issues with her nose. Summer denies this and Nattie talks over her. Rosa
tries to be the peacemaker to no avail. The two exchange insults.
Summer’s a stripper, Nattie’s a drama queen, etc. Finally, Summer fires
the first big missile and asks if Nattie treats TJ this way and, maybe,
that’s why they have issues. Nattie’s had it. She yanks the car to the
side of the road and pulls Summer’s bags out of the car. The two argue
even more. Nattie calls her “a piece of crap” with “no responsibility”.
Summer says that Nattie is crazy. Nattie returns fire, calling Summer
“fake”. Summer says, “ME?! Every hair on my head is REAL, honey. You’re
the one with the mullet.”

That’s all she wrote. Nattie
tests Summer’s hair cliam and pulls Summer out of the car, grabbing a
bunch of it. Summer screams and tells Nattie to get off of her. Rosa
gets between the women and tells Nattie to knock off the violent stuff.
Summer says Nattie is crazy…

(MATT: …and Rosa’s reaping the benefits…)

Natalya
takes her luggage out and starts walking. Summer says she will call the
police and starts to do so. Rosa begs Nattie to return to the car.
Summer continues to shoot her mouth off and Nattie attacks Summer again,
then tells Summer that her legs “have cellulite”. Rosa tells them both
that she got out of rehab and is trying to be stress-free and that this
isn’t helping. Rosa says that she will drive and nobody will talk and
that will be that. All the girls reluctantly agree.


INDIANAPOLIS, IN


Backstage at the Bankers Life Fieldhouse – Monday Night RAW
Nattie
needs to talk to Rosa. Nattie says that what happened in the car was
not necessary. Nattie says that nobody has Rosa’s back more than she
does. Rosa apologizes and says that she “didn’t know” that the two women
would be like that. (MATT: A whole season, Nattie’s stories about Summer, Summer’s whining about Nattie, the slap…nah, Rosa didn’t know of any danger.) Nattie
says that Summer’s words hurt. Rosa says it won’t happen again after
saying she didn’t like what she saw in Summer. The two hug it out. (MATT: And a new, sneaky alliance is born.)

PHILADELPHIA, PA


Wizard World ComicCon
The
Bellas do a photo shoot and say hello to a bunch of four year old girls
who look at the Bellas in awe. Nikki and Brie say hi to them as they
pass by. (MATT: Work hard, kids, and you could have a plastic body to make up for a horrifying lack of talent, too.) A
security guard escorts them and asks how Bryan is. Brie says his neck
is doing all right. Brie claims that Nikki is stressing Bryan out. Nikki
smirks and says, “Yeah – I don’t give out handouts.” Nikki says that
Brie needs a Marriage 101 instruction book. The twins argue at the booth
as they sign autographs. Nikki says that Brie has to share things with
Bryan and not keep things with him. Nikki says that Brie should get a
staging license and come work with her in real estate. Brie balks,
saying that Nikki would be her boss. Nikki tells her that Brie needs to
make money and that’s the key.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ

Brie and Bryan’s house
Bryan
comes home and Brie apologizes to him for going behind his back. He
says her heart was in the right place, but they need to talk about big
decisions. Bryan says that they need to make an agreement about money —
anything over $100 dollars needs to be agreed on. Brie’s not quite
happy, but agrees.

DANIELLE
 
THIS WEEK’S HUG GOES TO…BRIE:
Though it was crazy to think John would lend them money, she really is
looking out for their future. A bed and breakfast sounds like a fun idea
and, while it would be more work than she can imagine, her idea of
having one that was green and would support Daniel’s ideas was
beautiful.

THIS WEEK’S PUNCH GOES TO…SUMMER: She went crazy, egging Natalya on, basically was spoiling for the fight that could have been more intense.

MATT

THIS WEEK’S HUG GOES TO…ROSA: The
“hug” category really comes down to the lesser of the Honey Bunches of
Evil that roam this show like angry demons on Speed. Rosa seems happier
and more sane. Except, of course, for when she put two idiots in a car
together.

THIS WEEK’S ANNOYING DIVA IS…ALL THE OTHER DIVAS: What
else is new? Brie asks for a loan. Nikki practically promises her one,
then Cena denies the request. Brie acts like an ass to Danielson when he
finds out, then lashes out at Nikki who deflects blame (even though she
was part of it) and they continue to be the same materialistic morons
they play on TV. Meanwhile, Nattie’s fucking annoying, starts a
meaningless fight and Summer bites, and all hell breaks loose. This is
the kinda stuff we wait to see on reality TV. It’s also shit I actively
try to avoid because it’s such a pathetic attempt at getting ratings.

Er, that’s it.