BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

The show begins with an irate GM Bayless in the ring, who is by himself. He grabs the mic:

“What happened to me last night was a fluke! I was robbed god damnit! Jef Vinson does not have the talent to beat me cleanly in a one-on-one match. He has to rely on outside interference. Jef Vinson is lowlife, even lower than that skank of a valet he has. Jef Vinson, because of what happened last night, I am ordering this to happen: At BoD Hell in a Cell, it’s me and you sunshine. Me and you in the cell. And no more relying on outside interference to defeat me (Crowd boos as the GM is full of shit). No more, Jef Vinson. Your parade of deceitfulness ends in the cell. Oh, and for those of you wanting Jef Vinson tonight, we booked him to be at a charity event as he gets to change bed pans for the elderly in a nursing home in rural West Virginia!!!! And if any of you in the audience think that I am going to allow those who have went against myself and the Administration to just be able to sit back without repercussions, including Archie Stackhouse, then you are sorely mistaken as I plan to bring a shitstorm down on everyone who has kept me from straying away FROM MY SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, tonight I have made two matches. First off, Parallax will face off against Paul Meekin, provided that he is medically cleared. An second, the lead loser of the Midcard Mafia, Magoonie, will be facing off against…………………….ME!!!!!!!!!!! And don’t you think I forgot about all you have done to me. You belong in the parking lot wiping shit off of the champ’s limo and not in this program but you will pay the price tonight, BECAUSE IT IS PART OF THE SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Midcard Mafia interrupts, with Piers on crutches wearing a kneebrace:

Piers: First off, this was not part of the schedule. But secondly, I am going to get my hands on you. Don’t let my injury fool you. It wont stop me. It will never stop me.
Ferrari: Bayless, we ran right through you teams last night. Only you cheating helped those morons retain the titles. But listen to this, we are not leaving until we get a match.
Magoonie: First off, I never did get to thank you for letting us use your credit card in Vegas. It was an awfully nice gesture, sir (Bayless is fuming). But, I think we have an idea. Us three versus yourself and that tag team you decided to save last night.
Bayless: You want that? You really want that. Well, you got it! (Bayless leaves)



Night81 vs. Mikey Mike

Last night at BoD Night of Champions, these two were part of the C-List Title Fatal Four Way match and both took each other out after brawling outside of the ring. And they continue that to start the match as they fight in the aisle. Mikey sends Night into the post then rolls him inside and covers but that is not enough. Mikey connects with a dropkick and heads up top but Night cuts him off and puts him in the Tree of Woe. Night charges with a running knee strike and repeats it as Mikey falls down. Night gets a side slam and covers but that gets two. Night works a chinlock as Mikey is trying to fight out. Night breaks and now applies a rear naked choke. Mikey fights to the ropes as Night refuses to break the hold. The referee counts and Night breaks just before the five count. He boots Mikey to the floor and follows him out. He tries for a suplex but that gets blocked and Mikey hits Night with one on the floor. Mikey whips Night into the guardrail and sets up a chair. He sits down Night and walks away and now comes charging with a Yakuza kick but Night dodges and Mikey boots over the guardrail. Both men are down as the referee keeps counting and this match is ruled a double countout but these two are brawling and no showing any signs of letting up. Finally, order is restored as we have not seen the last of these two. Night is yelling at Mikey for costing him the C-List title.

Parallax is also backstage and all bandaged up. Since he is covered under the Top 5 premium plan and not stuck with bullshit insurance, the good doctor told him that he is not cleared to wrestle tonight. Parallax stares him down then shoves the doctor against the wall, telling him that he will be competing tonight then he is going to hunt down Cultstatus and tear him apart.

Bayless is backstage asking if anyone has seen or heard from Hoss. No one knows where he has went. WHERE HAS HOSS AND THE MAGICAL BEN AND JERRY’S TRUCK DISAPPEARED TO?


Parallax vs. Paul Meekin w/ White Thunder


No pre-match rap from Meekin tonight. Parallax is still hurt from last night but he is on a mission. The bell rings and Parallax is staring down Meekin, who motions at him to charge. Thunder gets up and struts on the apron then tosses his beer at Parallax, who is livid. Meekin attacks Parallax from behind. Meekin chokes out Parallax until the ref breaks it up. Meekin whips Parallax against the ropes but misses a clothesline and Parallax hits him with a forearm smash. Parallax uses a baseball slide to knock down Thunder then goes back and starts hammering away on Meekin. Parallax uses a crossbody but Meekin catches him and hits a powerslam. Meekin covers and gets two. Meekin pulls up Parallax and sets him up for the Otter Dropper but Parallax slips out. Thunder comes into the ring but Parallax decks him. Meekin comes to his partner’s aid but ends up colliding with his partner then Parallax takes him down. Parallax now climbs up top and curbstomps Meekin and covers for the win. Parallax goes outside and slams Thunder down and gives him a curbstomp. Parallax grabs a chair and heads into the ring. He whacks Meekin then places the chair underneath his head then grabs Meekin’s arms and curbstomps him right into the chair!!!!!!! Oh my, the paramedics are coming out but Parallax is beating them with a chair. White Coat Security heads into the ring as Parallax is screaming that he will not leave until he gets his hands on Cultstatus. Parallax is swinging the chair wildly as White Coat Security is struggling to calm him down. Parallax then leaves the ring and escapes through the crowd with the chair as he goes looking for Cultstatus.

But wait…………Cultstatus is on the ramp and he waves on Parallax as he calls him a motherfucker. Parallax stops and charges right through security!!!! He runs after Cult, who charges at him and we have a major collision!!!! These two Top 5’ers are wailing the shit out of each other. The crowd is going bananas as these two are now are going up the ramp and headed backstage as White Coat Security desperately tries to maintain order but are failing. The lower card guys and some other bigger names try to stop them but that is not working. Mar Solo is seen chugging coffee in the background as he is all jacked up and too much so to help out as he is cheering in the background, with a pot of coffee in each arm. Parallax throws a fire hydrant but Cult ducks and boots him in the face as Parallax was held back. Parallax breaks free and jumps the pile as everyone else topples down!!!!!!!!! He swinging as Cult breaks free and these two are not stopping now just about everyone else in the locker room empties out and breaks this up as order is restored for the moment. Wow.

GM Bayless is backstage. He orders Wade Michael Meltzer to go back to Riverdale to track down Archie Stackhouse. Meltzer is trembling at the thought of being destroyed by Archie and his gang of thugs. He also orders Gosh Hopkins and #1 Fan to go with him. He wants Stackhouse and the pet rock now!!!

And now clips from the BoD End of Summer Cookout!!!

We see Matt Indeed, who reveals the picture on his phone from last week as he has purchased the red Chrysler Lebaron convertible from the Robbie Dupree music video “Girls in Cars.” And he even feathered his hair and got a nice white jacket. It must have worked because someone just gave him their number and Matt responds with an animated fist pump while jogging in place. Without a partner to help him, Bobby is rendered to ringing his cowbell in an attempt to stop Dancin’ Devin Harris & Lil’ James from GITTIN’ FUN-KAY…………BUT YOU CAN’T STOP THE FUNK JUST BY RINGING A BELL. Mr. Satan once again asks some of the newbies if they would prefer to have sex with Megan Fox with a 9 inch dick or Stone Cold Steve Austin with a vagina. BigNasty96 is laughing at those watching the network, telling them it will over by November. Guess who is making his return, it’s Buck Nasty and of course he brought the Skank Patrol with him. Harry Broadhurst goes over and hits on them by disclosing two very important “Harry Facts”:

#15. Harry never pays for the first date
#16. Harry prefers to mess with telemarketers rather than crank calling senior citizens

Well, seems like a good event and fun for everyone.

GM Bayless is backstage. He orders Wade Michael Meltzer to go back to Riverdale to track down Archie Stackhouse. Meltzer is trembling at the thought of being destroyed by Archie and his gang of thugs. He also orders Gosh Hopkins and #1 Fan to go with him. He wants Stackhouse and the pet rock now!!!

Hart Killer 09 vs. thebraziliankid

This is a non-title match. Hart Killer takes down thebraziliankid to start. He works the arm then switches over to the leg. The “dating sensation from another nation” comes back and kicks Hart Killer. He uses a leg lariat and a roaring elbow. Neckbreaker gets two. Hart Killer blocks a punch and hits a clothesline then tries to regroup. Hart Killer sets up from a middle rope clothesline but braziliankid catches him with an armbar! He goes for the cross armbreaker but Hart Killer reaches the ropes. thebraziliankid gets up but Hart Killer blocks a reverse rollup attempt. Hart Killer comes back but misses a knee smash and thebraziliankid rolls him up for two. Hart Killer gets taken down and kicks out of a pin. thebraziliankid goes up top and hits a moonsault block and that gets two. Hart Killer is in danger of losing, which would make thebraziliankid the #1 contender. thebraziliankid charges but Hart Killer catches him with a stun gun then rolls him up using his feet on the ropes for leverage and gets the win!!! Hart Killer ducks out and grabs his belt and the microphone:

” You have all witnessed the greatest non-title defense of all-time. Three-Time ATA Award Winner Mister E Mahn came up to me with a tear in his eye and told me that I was the most worthy BoD Solid B+ Player Champion ever. So, next week, I issue an open challenge and the winner will earn a title shot because when it comes to giving chances, I am 10/10.



And now, it’s Welcome to the BoD with your host, Abeyance

Abeyance: Welcome to the BoD!
Crowd: Thank You
Abeyance: How are you tonight!
Crowd: Good
Abeyance: I am too!
Crowd: We know
Abeyance: I do too!
Crowd: We know too
Abeyance: Today’s guest is the BoD Writer’s Championship. Here is Stranger in the Alps
Stranger: Hello (Old ladies are screaming at Stranger. They love the fucking guy)
Abeyance: So, why do they call you the Stranger in the Alps! I know you so you are not a stranger and this is the BoD, not the Alps.
Stranger: (Shocked at the question he was just asked) Um………….how about I tell you about myself. I try to do what is right so the little strangers have someone to look up to.
Abeyance: (Confused) If you are a stranger, how can kids look up to you? They wont be able to see you.
(“Marvelous” Matt Perri & Miss Danielle interrupt.)
Perri: Well, well, if it isn’t our friend Stranger in the Alps
Stranger: What do you want? (Motions to his belt)
Perri: You know exactly what I want.
Stranger: Why don’t you come back when you are ready to take it from me? Well, guess you wont be coming back then.
Perri: (Pissed) Hilarious. (Turns to walk away but it was a fake as Perri slaps the glasses off of Stranger’s face then Miss Danielle runs over and stomps then with the heel of her shoe) BUT THAT WAS EVEN FUNNIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perri & Danielle are laughing hysterically as they leave.


In the ring now is Andy PG and Tommy Hall, who now has to sign over his paycheck to Andy after losing in the Paycheck Match last night. And yes, this check is for legitimate currency. Tommy, wearing his Cade McNown throwback to honor the Chicago Bears playing tonight on Monday Night Football. Tommy angrily signs his check away as he and the Mitchell & Ness company are not getting paid this week, folks. However, Tommy pulls away the check at the last second and asks Andy if he willing to do double or nothing. Andy says he has problem facing Tommy again and that he has not blown all of his paychecks on throwback jerseys so he is more than ready to throw his paycheck on the line. Tommy says that the match will happen at BoD Night of Champions as Andy agrees. Tommy smirks as he walks off but drops a few e-book dollars from his Champion sweatpants. Andy says that Tommy might need those and pushes them in his chest. Tommy shakes his head then leaves as Tommy is plotting something and that something is a way to buy more throwback jerseys.

Finally, the Job Mob arrive to the arena as their limo pulls up. They have clearly celebrated all night as they get out wearing sunglasses and their clothes all disheveled. Jobber tells them that he feels like shit as do they then he tells them to chill in the Top 5 lounge because he is the champ and fuck everyone else. The Job Mob raid the facilities as Jobber sees Parallax on the couch :

Jobber: Hey man, thanks for last night.
Parallax: I didn’t do that for you.
Jobber: It’s cool. But the most important thing is that you did do that. Because Cultstatus needs to learn a lesson you know. Almost as badly as Jef Vinson.
Parallax: Whatever. You’re just lucky Cultstatus saved you from facing me as the title would be around my waist after that.
Jobber: (Acting calm) Hey man, you are a great talent. No doubt about it. But the reason you are not getting a title shot is not because of me. I have it on good word that Jef Vinson has been petitioning to Bayless for you to be kept out of the title picture.
Parallax: (Irritable) Yeah, well I don’t pay attention to all that bullshit. Good for you doing it though. You truly are the greatest champion.
Jobber: (Senses the Sarcasm) You know…………we have a killer after party party lined up for tonight. We are just here to pick up out secret stash. Bayless, I mean the GM, gives me the night off after a title defense. Unless, I want to work. But the party, I know drugs aren’t your scene……..
Murph: (Interrupting) You want a couple of snappers (Murph puts a mirror containing 5 lines of cocaine in front of his face)
Parallax: (Pissed) Are you a fucking idiot? Oh yeah, that’s a rhetorical question
Jobber: (Playing the peacemaker) Murph, you know that’s not his scene, man. And Parallax, I commend you for your lifestyle choice. I mean, its not for me, or the rest of the Job Mob, but it suits you well.
Parallax: I’m thrilled.
Jobber: Well, if you want we are getting the VIP Table at the Cellular Twat tonight. More than welcome to join.
Parallax: (In deep thought) I’m busy.
Jobber: That’s cool. Alright boys, lets go. (The Job Mob and the champ head out to celebrate again)



Midcard Mafia vs. GM Bayless & The Upper Midcard Express

Match starts with a brawl outside of the ring. Bayless and Magoonie are going after each other inside now. Match settles down as the MCM are working over kbjone. Tag to Piers but Petuka chopblocks him down and they work over his leg. Piers fights back but struggles to make a tag. Ferrari knocks Bayless off of the apron as Piers crawls over and tags Magoonie. He runs wild on the UMX until Bayless trips him up from behind and the match breaks down. Piers climbs up top and flies out with a somersault senton onto the UMX. Bayless is in the ring with Ferrari, who DDT’s him for two. Magoonie is up and they pick up the GM for a move that I have been informed is called the catering line but Justice Gray comes in with a chair as the match is a DQ. Rockstar Gary & Bill Ray come out and beat on Ferrari with a chair. Bayless orders the secret weapon to come out. WTF!!!!!!!! Magoonie looks up and is mortified. It’s his friends morbidly obese ex-girlfriend! We never did catch her name, did we?  What are large bitch this is, folks. She has a pan of what appears to be meatloaf in one hand with a Kit Kat bar in the other. She waddles herself down the aisle as Piers is rolled inside. OH MOTHER OF GOD, SHE IS CLIMBING UP TOP!!!! The Adminstration and UMX hold Piers in place and she splashes his injured leg!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bayless grabs the mic:

“Let me introduce you to the newest member of the Administration, LAND MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Piers is in agony as Magoonie looks up at the beefy bohemeth with disgust. And wouldn’t you if she took 80% of your turkey loaf? The Administration leaves as Bayless tells the MCM that he is glad they got their wish for tonight.

The GM is not stopping until he takes out everyone who threatens him. Who will stand up to this evil man?

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