Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 2 – “Mo’ Marriage, Mo’ Problems”

Last week, Total Divas came back for a third season, with an episode
in which a lot of our girls stretched the hell out of the truth.

  • When John Cena asked Nikki if she would, hypothetically, be happy
    with a marriage and no children, Nikki lied to him, herself, her sister
    and the world and said she’d be OK with that. Then, after Brie convinced
    her to freeze her eggs, she hid the fact that she was having a blood
    test for that procedure from Cena while he was in the house. 
  • Rosa Mendes joined as a new cast member and hid the fact that she
    was back from rehab from the girls (though management knew). Natalya hid
    how much she didn’t want to babysit Rosa as she had to do with Eva
    Marie and JoJo when they were newbies. Still they formed a truce as
    frenemies. (MATT: And Rosa greeted Nattie nude at the door of her hotel room. There was that.)
  • Eva Marie and her husband, John, decided to have another wedding for
    their family and friends to attend. She lied to her dad (whose cancer
    returned), telling him that they would have a Catholic wedding and lied
    to John, claiming that he didn’t have to convert or have such a wedding
    to keep the peace with her family.
  • (MATT: Concord is three miles from San Francisco.)
Will this episode have mo’ lying? (MATT: “Mo’ lyin”…well played. I like that.) (DANIELLE: Thanks!)
Matt and I armed with Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale will brave this episode,
and write way too much about it, so you don’t have to watch. (MATT: This goes out to DanimalCrossing: our #1 fan. :D)

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki’s House
John
comes to Nikki with some of her syringes, continuing where we left off
from last week’s “cliffhanger”. She asks where he found it, as she had
some in her drawers and purse. Cena says Nikki “left them in plain
sight”. Then she then tells him that it’s hormones because she’s
freezing her eggs. He sighs with relief and said he thought it was
illegal drugs. (MATT: Yes, illegal drugs that come with prescription markings and safety wrap and vials with the hospital’s name on them.)
She explains that if she’s alone at 40 she’d want to have her 30 year
old eggs. He seems dismayed that she couldn’t just tell him that she was
doing this. Dramatic music plays and, leaving it unresolved, he just
tells her to put them where she needs to store them. Nikki’s just a
touch uncomfy with John’s mood change and shows us how attentive she is
in this regard:

(MATT: “I really like it better when he, like, says stuff.“)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s House
Brie
tells the camera they are packing up to the new house they just bought.
She tells the camera it’s the first house she’s ever owned. Daniel
comes out with a bunch of his kick pads and cannot believe how many he
owns. For this, she calls him a “kick pad whore”. Bryan says he doesn’t
have sex with the kick pads. (MATT: How does this banter make sense? How does it make any sense?) He
tells her she has to have sex with him for every set he gives her.
Bullying is wrong, kids, but implied prostitution? That’s A-OK! Brie
counts six and says that’s six chances to get pregnant. She reminds him
that she wants two kids “out of her vagina” by the time she’s 35. (MATT: As opposed to two kids being pushed from her nostrils?) They repeat the word vagina four times in the next ten seconds and we cut to the next scene. (MATT: A new record.)

INDIANAPOLIS, IN

CLO Cabaret – Cabaret at Theater Square
(MATT:
Fuck this editing. The place is in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, not
Indiana — just like San Francisco is different than CONCORD.)
Natty,
Eva and Nikki are going to dinner together, even though they all
basically hate each other. Nikki has picked this place because it has
“good reviews on Yelp”. (MATT: When it comes to Googling shit, Nikki and Brie are second to none.) Nikki
confesses she is in trouble with John as she didn’t tell him about the
egg-freezing thingee and she thought it would be easy to hide. Eva
confesses she’s trying to get her husband to convert to Catholicism. “We
need to have sleepovers,” Eva Marie tells her, “because we’ll be
sleeping together without our men.” (MATT: Saaaaaaay…)

MONDAY NIGHT RAW


Backstage
Nattie
and Rosa Mendes come in together as because Rosa can’t walk without a
chaperone. Why don’t they just suspend her if they don’t trust her? They
go to see Seamstress Sandra to make Rosa some new outfits. Rosa, the
anti-Cameron, tells her she has all the freedom she wants to design for
her.

Brie and Daniel walk into the backstage area.
Daniel removes his backpack and rubs his own shoulder, saying that it’s
been bothering him, setting up for what we all know is coming. Brie
tells the camera that Bryan wrestles “24-40 minutes every night for 250
days a year”. His body, much like a car, is on the verge of breaking
down due to all the abuse. Brie offers to trade massages with him, he
says the kind of massage he will give her won’t help her neck.

Meanwhile,
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations, takes The
Funkadactyls back to his office. “9 times out of 10, when you have news,
it ain’t good news,” Cameron tells him. She tells him he should have
Bad News Barrett deliver the news. I agree, especially if he wears a
cape. Capes are sexy. I keep trying to tell Matt he should wear get one
for home, but so far no cape. Maybe next paycheck. (MATT: Would you just…?! Let’s just…you just cover the show there, confessasaurus.)
Creative has decided Naomi will be a singles wrestler with Cameron as
her valet. Cameron tells the camera it’s like starting over as they were
valets for Brodus Clay for a year before they got to wrestle as The
Funkadactyls. She barely holds back tears. The girls talk it out
backstage. Naomi tries to make her see it could be a good thing. Cameron
goes to complain to Nattie and Eva Marie. Nattie says this will make
Cameron into Naomi’s “water girl”. Nattie points out that Cameron was
brought up from developmental fast and is amazed Cameron doesn’t see it
as she does. She even tells her that wrestling isn’t for everyone, which
is ironic, since Eva Marie is standing right next to her when she says this.

PHOENIX, AZ

Daniel Bryan’s car
Daniel,
Brie and Josie are off to get the keys to their new house. Brie says
that she is happy to be a homeowner and Daniel rubs it in as it should
be a “we” statement and not a “I”. Ok, so he’s a horndog and a grammar
police type. If Matt wrestled I’d swear he is related to Bryan. (MATT: Man…anybody get the license plate on that bus…?)

Bryan and Brie’s New House
When they walk in, they meet their contractor. Brie channels her inner-Nikki (MATT: She suddenly gets fake boobs and says “Vagina” over and over?)
and wants a bunch of changes to the bathroom. It turns out they have a
lot of requests: he wants a gym and solar panels, she want to remodel it
piece by piece in certain rooms. Couldn’t they have just paid for a
house to be made to their specifications? It might have been cheaper.
Brie tells the camera that she’s happy he wants to have a house that’s
“green” because Bryan’s concerned about saving the planet — but he
should let her do what she wants because “happy wife, happy life.” (MATT: So, essentially: “Eh…fuck the planet. I’m a selfish bitch.”)
Bryan says Nikki would do the same thing Brie is doing now: re-do the
house and that the changes she wants will take three months. And they
fight over a house they’ll never see because they’re on the road 85
percent of the time. He accuses her of wanting to re-do the entire house
and, in the tradition of PR agents everywhere, she ducks the question.
Brie puts her foot down and demands they do what she wants. Bryan says
they do everything she wants and that the whole wedding was the way she
wanted it. He reminds her that she said the house was “hers” when they
drove her and she walks out, disgusted.

Urban Furnishings Interior Design
Nikki
is with Brie to help her find a dining room table. Brie is making
Bryan’s argument for him by not bringing him in for this decision. (14
minutes in and I think I know who my punch is going to this week, it’s a
record.) (MATT: You’re stealing all the good jokes, dammit…)
Brie confesses to Nikki that Bryan thinks she’s overspending, but, so
what: Bryan is spending tons on solar panels…which, you know, end up saving you money in the long run.
Nikki, for some crazy reason, grew a brain this week and tells her they
have to compromise on spending, no matter what Brie thinks. Brie tells
the camera that Nikki doesn’t compromise, so why should she? Brie
stupidly shares that she was offended that Bryan said she was being like
Nikki TO Nikki. Brilliant. Nikki correctly calls this as a double diss
from them.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Anise Global Gastrobar
Cena and Nikki are out for dinner and she appears to be drinking something similar to a Pina Colada. (MATT: I guess her 10 Day Egg Freeze is up.) He asks her what it feels like to get the injections and what would have happened had he not caught her. (MATT: Uh…she would have done it regardless…?) He
realizes she took his advice that maybe he’s not the right man for her
by preparing in this way. He just realized he could, potentially, lose
her. (MATT: Nikki’s actual analysis: “John’s all, like…VULNERABLE now” and this whole thing “is, like…WOW.”) She
says that won’t happen. He says he doesn’t want her to leave. Nikki,
with possibly the best bluff ever outside of World Series of Poker says
she would stop the process if he wants, but he insists he doesn’t want
her to. (MATT: As Tania has repeatedly pointed out, she’s an AWFUL liar.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Random Studio
Cameron and Vincent go to a studio so she can cheer herself up about work by arbitrarily recording a song about WWE. (MATT: I can’t count how many times I blow off stress by going to a recording studio to tape songs about my job that hates me.)
She starts crying because she has so much passion for what she does.
She admits people usually stay in developmental for two years, her time
was only 3 months. She admits, on camera, that she was not ready.
Vincent says if she hadn’t been ready, they wouldn’t have brought her
up.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Better Buzzed
The Bellas are getting coffee at Better Buzzed, a little coffee place near the beach. (MATT:
Brie even makes sure to work in the establishment’s slogan: “Life’s
Better Buzzed!” All that’s missing is a cheesy freeze frame of her doing
a “thumbs up”.) 

(MATT: Pictured here – Nikki re-filling up her empty skull.)

Nikki confesses she’s working out hard again and Brie
balks, saying that she shouldn’t do that because of the whole frozen
egg thing. Nikki tells Brie she has decided to not freeze her eggs
anymore. Brie keeps urging her to keep doing the process as she doesn’t
know what the future is. “It’s another thing he’s taking away from you,”
Brie tells her. Brie says Cena is “taking something else from her”.
Brie asks her a “what-if”: “What if God was sitting in front of you and
asks you what you want? What would you tell him?”

(MATT: “Um…like…can you give Brie a new dining room table and a nice bathroom…?”)

Nikki doesn’t want to play this game and reminds her
that compromise is important in a relationship. Brie retorts that Nikki
is compromising everything. Brie says that John is controlling
everything and doing what he wants. (MATT: Brie actually asks what would happen if John wanted to freeze his eggs. Sigh…) The two argue until Nikki walks out (MATT: Coffee still fueling her noggin.).
Brie joins her, implying she thought Nikki would walk home. They
disagree on who the nice sister is. Brie apologizes and says she was
harsh.says that while they originally planned on having kids at the same
time, now her kids will babysit Nikki’s kids. Nikki says she needs a
drink, which solves everything. (MATT: #CENAWINSINREALLIFETOOLOL)

Datz Restaurant
Naomi stupidly teases Jimmy that the Usos aren’t the Tag Team Champions. (MATT: Holy shit! There are other Divas??? I thought this was TOTAL BELLAS!) Poke
that bear, Naomi! He tells Naomi that she should enjoy going solo
because it’s the only way she’ll ever get to the Divas Championship. She
tells him and the camera that she feels awful about her tag team
partnership breaking up. She doesn’t want to leave her friend behind. (MATT: She didn’t have a choice…am I nuts here…? But enough of all that! Back to the Bellas!)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s Soon to Be Vacated House
Brie
is concerned when she comes home and sees that Bryan hasn’t packed
anything. He tells her he got back from his MRI and will need surgery.
It’s so serious that it could be a permanent injury and he needs surgery
that next week. He will be off the tour for the coming future and Brie
asks if they will take the Championship from him. He doesn’t have an
answer to that. They hug it out.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Bella Cousin’s Villa
The
twins are visiting the cousins with all the obligatory nieces and
nephews to make them both feel inadequate for not yet having a child.
Nikki reads to the kids (though Brie jokes that she can’t read) and gets
called a natural by her cousin Kevin.

(MATT: “Like, OMG, guize! That’s sooooo not troooo!”)

Nikki laments that she may have to be “the world’s
greatest aunt” forever. She’s 30, many women have their first child a
lot older than that.

GREENVILLE, SC – Monday Night RAW

Backstage
Nattie,
Brie and Eva Marie watch Daniel on stage. She admits that she has some
commitment with Nikki in New York while Bryan’s getting surgery in
Pittsburgh. They imply it’s work related but she doesn’t elaborate on it
much. Daniel makes his announcement about leaving and not knowing when
he will come back. He gets the audience to chant YES, then tells them
that he will be back. I don’t know why they didn’t have Brie by his side
in the ring for this.


NEW YORK, NY

Brie’s Hotel Room
Brie
is talking with Daniel on the phone. She feels like a bad wife because
she’s so far away from him during his hour in need. He does have his
sister with him but, of course, that isn’t the same thing. She tells the
camera she feels silly for arguing with him over material things.

Press Event
The twins pose for cameras and get asked silly questions. (MATT: Don’t make me break out the Nikki Thinking Meme.) Someone asks how Daniel is but no one answers.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s House
Brie
comes home to find Daniel in bed under a great wall print that says
“You have my whole heart for my whole life.” She kisses him and Josie
gets in the way. Our cat, Inky, is like this sometimes. Daniel says the
surgery was successful, but he doesn’t know when he can come back.
Daniel says WWE will probably take the title off of him while he’s gone
because they can’t have an inactive champ. Brie says the fans would be
upset if they take the titles away. Daniel says that she would be upset, joking that she’s only with him because he’s champion and says she would leave after that happens. (MATT: She doesn’t deny that shit. Not once…you can actually see it on her face…it’s creepy.) Finally, they agree that they can compromise on the interior decoration of their new place.

SAN DIEGO, CA

CrossFit PB Gym
Cena
and Nikki are working out with weights. Cena drops his on the ground
after because he’s rich and he can buy and sell the gym multiple times
over without even noticing the money is gone. Nikki jokes that she could
lift too much and burst an ovary. She decides to tell him that she’s
going to keep going with the egg freezing process. Even though he said
he wouldn’t tell her not to, he sighs heavily and asks if she is sure
wants to do it. Way to be a passive aggressive boyfriend, there, John.

COLUMBUS, OH – Monday Night RAW

(MATT: That’s three RAW events in one week. That’s gotta violate some fundamental law of time and space.)

Backstage
Naomi and Cameron are dressed alike and stretching. Cameron is not happy that her job is basically watch the match at ringside. (MATT: She does that better than she wrestles.)


Ringside
Naomi pins the Divas Champion, Paige who,
in my opinion, would have made a much more interesting addition to this
show than Rosa Mendes. (MATT: Ditto.)

Backstage
Chris Amann, MD, WWE Senior Physician, talks to Brie and Daniel. Amann tells them that there’s some bad news. (MATT: We should have had Bad News Barrett tell them tha–oh…Cameron already did that joke? She did? Ok…let’s move on.)
Brie is stunned she tells the camera that there could be bad news as
the surgery went well. Dr. Amann tells them that two nerves had to be
decompressed during the surgery, which will delay recovery time. He
won’t commit to a time frame except to say it will be on the lower end
of things.

HARTFORD, CT – XL Center


Backstage
Cameron (MATT: Whose hair gets more blonde in every scene…)
goes to Mark Carrano’s office to talk. She doesn’t want to be in the
shadows and needs to hone her skills, so she’d like to go back to NXT. (MATT: Emotional bargaining!) He
says if she does that, she may never move back and up and may no longer
be a Diva. Cameron cries in frustration. She keeps pushing and he
agrees to let her try. She tells the camera “sometimes you have to fail
to succeed.” (MATT: Ironically, she hasn’t been “failing” much, if her “success” is any indication…) They shake hands and she’ll get a shot to work her way back up.

Backstage
Cameron
tells Nikki, Naomi and Jimmy that she’s going back to NXT to train.
Naomi wants to talk to her alone and they go further backstage. Naomi
selfishly says that will split them up. (MATT: What?! They split at the beginning of the episode! They don’t wrestle together! What the holy hell?!)
The girls both say the other is being selfish. Naomi tells her to go
down to NXT if she has to, but that she won’t be waiting for Cameron
when she gets back. (MATT: But…if they’re split up, WHY would she wait for Cameron?!)

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nikki’s Beach House
John
is opening a bottle of wine in an effort to do something romantic.
Nikki’s in her dressing room, so Cena asks her if she’s “taking a dump”.
 

(MATT: “Oh my goooood…noooooo!”)

Someone needs to explain to him what romance is. She
shows him her calendar with the ten days she needs off, the day of the
procedure, etc. John offers to be her chauffeur and made for those days
complete with costumes. Nikki asks what the maid outfit looks like. He
says it’s like her nurse’s outfit (that she wore when nursing him back
to health) but with less in the crotch. He says she will be “super
bitchy” and in a “womanly mood” during this process, (MATT: MISOGYNY, SEXISM, DISRESPECT. #BELIKECENA)
then kindly asks if she needs a woman around during this time. She says
she might but it wouldn’t be Brie and she recaps the scene at the
OB/GYN last week, including musing that, as identical twins, their
vaginas would look identical. John wisely tells her to stop talking and
she does. (MATT: I’m sure he says that a lot.)

DANIELLE
This week’s punch goes to…Brie:
Not only did she make her husband feel like he was a tenant in his own
house instead of a co-owner, but she also gave Nikki terrible
relationship and life advice, while still at this point fighting with
her husband.

This week’s hug goes to…Cameron: She’s willing to risk it all for the chance of coming back better than ever and no one seems to support that.

MATT
This week’s annoying Diva is…Brie: Her and Nikki switched bodies, I guess. She’s devious as shit under that cute little exterior.

This week’s hug goes to…Daniel Bryan: He looked like he was in so much pain following the surgery and that entire story is amazing.

Er…that’s it.