BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Backstage, GM Bayless is pacing around his office. He is upset that he has not heard from Archie Stackhouse. Bayless then calls up Wade Michael Meltzer and asks him to go to Riverdale to see if he can locate him. Assistant GM and Director of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray, walks in and asks if everything is alright. Bayless tells him that he is fine because tonight, his Administration will take of Jef Vinson and at BoD Night of Champions, he will end him once and for all.

At BoD Night of Champions, Parallax will face The Fuj for the #1 Contendership to the BoD Title but before that, he will be a guest on a very, very, very special episode of “Welcome to the BoD” GM Bayless says that he gave Parallax an extra week off since he seems to like vacation so much.

Paul Meekin is standing in the ring by himself. He has something to say:

“You know something otters, I wrote for all of to you enjoy and what do you do? You call for my head. Well guess what Otters, I don’t need to write for a career. You fucktards do not possess the artistic integrity nor an email by Roger Ebert. (Meekin takes off his jacket and puts his face in the insides) Guess what, I LOVE THE SMELL OF ROGER EBERT IN THE MORNING AND I DONT HAVE TO SEE CITIZEN KANE IN ORDER TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A MOVIE REVIEWER. (Crowd starts booing Meekin, chanting “Pumpkin Kitty” at him) And I have decided to leave the BoD Writer ranks to become a rapper! And let me cut this dope rhyme on you assholes. 


They call me Meekin
But the ladies call me Meeks
I wobble when I walk
And when I talk my voice squeaks


But don’t be trippin
Like Caesar in his toga
I take off my Ebert jacket
Before I do some DDP Yoga


I teach the ladies poses 
Got your mom in downward dog
I creep up from behind 
And drill her with my hog………………………”


(The lights go out and when they return, Stranger in the Alps appears in the ring)

Stranger in the Alps vs. Paul Meekin

Meekin is pissed that Stranger interrupted his rap. He charges after the Stranger but misses and gets hit with a clothesline. Stranger climbs up top and hits a missile dropkick and then signals to his fans as it is CAN OPENER TIME!!!!! The move that terrorized living rooms in Canada in the early 1980’s is back here as Meekin gets opened up and Stranger covers for the win. Stranger then goes out and slaps hands with the youngsters. The old ladies come up to Stranger and are going ga-ga. Get your geriatric hands off of him ladies, he is taken and you are fucking old.




And now another video of Jobber with the children

(Jobber and his crew the “Job Mob” are at a High School assembly)


Principal: Children, settle down. Today we have a special guest. He is the BoD Heavyweight Champion and he can afford a maid. I could too kids but I have to pay something called alimony. Nevermind that, here is Jobber and his crew the Job Mob!
Jobber: Hey kids. I have heard that you guys are bullying each other. I also heard that some of you are using drugs. So what’s up. 
Kid #1: There is a marijuana user in my class. He asks to go to the bathroom then when he comes back, another marijuana user asks to go to the bathroom. 
Jobber: Why are you bullying them for using marijuana? That is not very nice. So what if they leave a bowl on the window sill in the bathroom and use a system so they can all share together. 
Kid #1: (Appalled and stuttering) But, drugs are bad
Jobber: Look, marijuana is legal now. What if they have glaucoma? Do you even know what that is, kid? You seem like a huge bully to me. Is your idol Jef Vinson?
Kid #1: I am Midcard Mafia Guy
Jobber: Did you listen to your principal or were you too busy being a narc? (The other students now yell at Kid #1 for being a narc and slap him off the back of the head). I guess you do not want to grow up and be able to afford a maid with aspirations like that? Christ, when you get your license, your Infiniti will be at least 20 years old. 
(Murph interrupts and tells Jobber that he got word his 82-inch TV has been delivered)
Jobber: Okay kids, remember not to bully those who happen to use marijuana and not to be a narc, like this kid (points at kid #1). But I don’t have time for that as I am successful, unlike the Midcard Mafia and Jef Vinson
(The Job Mob leaves and take all of the pizza with them. A kid asks Murph why he took the pizza and he tells him pizza is not on their food pyramid then slaps the hat off of his head as he walks out. 

Curtzerker vs. Abeyance & thebraziliankid



The BoD Arena now has a “HUSS” section that is loud and rambunctious. Curtzerker goes right after the youngsters and fire away. Abey & Brazil fight right back as these teams came to fight tonight, folks. The match finally settles down as Williams beats on Brazil. Tag to theberzerker as the HUSS section goes nuts as he hits the ten HUSS punch spot in the corner as the fans count each punch only by using the word “HUSS.” HUSS. Brazil fights back but Williams knees him in the back from the apron. Williams tags and hits a powerbomb that gets two. Williams sets up for the superplex but Brazil knocks him off then flies off the top with a crossbody that gets two. theberzerker prevents Brazil from making the tag. Williams tags theberzerker and they try a double backdrop but Brazil kicks them in the face and makes the tag. WATCH OUT FOLKS, GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, ABEYANCE KILLS PEOPLE. Abey goes wild on Curtzerker. Brazil finally gets up and charges at Williams, who hits him with a stungun. Abey gets kneed from behind by theberzerker and he covers as Williams holds down Abey’s foot from the floor and Curtzerker gets the win!!!!!  I don’t think we have seen the last of this.

Andy PG is standing in the ring. Tommy Hall comes out, wearing that Shawn Respert Michigan State University throwback that he wanted, and looks to have an answer for Andy as to what the stipulations will be in there match at BoD Night of Champions this Sunday.

Andy: What’s it going to be, Tommy?
Tommy: Well Andy, there is an 8/10 chance that you will like the stipulation I have chosen (Tommy laughs at this joke, like it is the wittiest thing ever)
Andy: Hilarious. Now, about you let us all know the stipulation that you have chosen
Tommy: I have chosen a stipulation Andy. And let me tell not just you but everyone else in the BoD Universe that I am a gentleman. Andy, do you know what a gentleman does? A gentleman does not pick a mere stipulation, he makes a wager. 
Andy: (Annoyed) Tommy, I know what a gentleman does not wear and that is throwback jerseys of NBA 1st Round busts accompanied by Champion sweatpants and Reebok Pumps. 
Tommy (Pissed): You could not afford my lifestyle. I am the e-book megastar. I have the Panera rewards VIP card. And at BoD Night of Champions,  my wager is that the winner of the match will get the loser’s paycheck!
Andy: As long as it is not in e-book dollars, WHICH IS ILLEGITIMATE CURRENCY, then I am fine. 
Tommy: (Looks down at his off-brand smartphone as Discover is calling him about being behind on payments) Don’t you worry Andy, it will be and for the kids, I will keep this beating PG (Again, thinks his line is more clever than it really is)
Andy: You just try that Tommy. 




Backstage in the lowercard locker room, MattIndeed continues to look for a partner to form a new version of Strike Force. He stops when his phone rings and smiles as he apparently likes what he is hearing. Biscuit is shown pulling ribs on guys by tossing their bags in the showers and turning on all of the water. Dancin’ Devin and Lil’ James are GITTIN’ FUN-KAY but once again get interrupted by WWF1987 and Bobby. Harry Broadhurst as just written two more Harry facts on the dry erase board:

#13: Harry thinks BoD RAW > WWE RAW
#14: Harry prefers Nautica over Tommy Hilfiger

Danimal Crossing is backstage. He gives us another clue about his new gimmick. He says that he is usually calm and definitely not RIPSHIT.

Gm’s Choice
BoD NXT Name Generator
Racial Stereotype with Lil’ Added to Name
RIPSHIT
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist
Racial Stereotype
Mack the Evil Trucker





BoD Solid B+ Player #1 Contender Match
Joe Dust vs. Cabspaintedyellow


Winner gets to face Hart Killer 09 at BoD Night of Champions. Match starts with both guys going back and forth. Joe Dust takes the advantage and hits a few suplexes and puts on a crossface. Cabs makes it to the ropes but gets dragged back into the center of the ring. Cabs fights out but gets clotheslined to the floor. Joe roughs him up and drags him back inside but Cabs floats over on a suplex attempt and hits a neckbreaker as both men are down. Cabs is up first and fires away. He hits a flying forearm. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Moonsault gets two. Cabs goes back up top but Joe cuts him off. From the crowd, Zanatude runs out and grabs Cabs’ leg. Joe then climbs back up top and hits a super brainbuster for the win! Stuart Chartock and Big Dirty Murph run out for the attack but Adam Curry and Magoonie run for the save. GM Bayless comes out and orders these guys to have a six-man tag at BoD Night of Champions as Joe Dust takes on Hart Killer 09.

And now, Part two of Hoss and the Ice Cream Truck

On a side of a country road, Hoss is with the truck eating all of the ice cream that contains cookies and chocolate chips. All of a sudden, he realizes that it is all gone and all that is left is ice cream with “health food,” meaning Strawberry Cheesecake and Pistachio. Hoss becomes enraged and drives his truck as fast as he cans until he sees a gas station. Hoss comes within feet of smashing into the Pump n Pantry. 


Hoss: (Carrying his giant bowl and spoon) GIMME SOME FUCKING ICE CREAM OR I WILL DESTROY YOU.
Clerk: (Scared shitless) We only have ice cream bars
Hoss: I DONT WANT ICE CREAM ON A STICK YOU HILLBILLY ASSHOLE. I WANT REAL ICE CREAM AND IF I DO NOT GET IT, I WILL KNOCK OUT THE LAST TWO TEETH OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. 
Clerk: Please, take anything you want
Hoss: (grabs the clerk) YOU ARE GOING TO GET ME ICE CREAM. (Hoss drags the clerk into his truck and peels away)


Part 3 will happen on BoD Night of Champions






BoD Tag Team Title Match
Skip “The Skipper” Tisdale & Chip Monroe vs. Upper Midcard Express (Champions)


Tisdale is rocking out with a new fedora but falls down in attempting a spin. The UMX are carrying their helmets as they say they do not need them, despite the warnings from doctor Miss Diagnosis. Petuka tells Monroe that is shoelace was untied and when he goes down, kbjone kicks him in the face and through the ropes Tisdale is spinning his hat on his finger then gets tapped in the shoulder as Petuka pops up from behind and yells”PEEKABOO” as he backhands the Skipper! Uh oh, Petuka signals for the Petuka Bazooka

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MUwmGYFWYs

petuka bazooka
Petuka Bazooka
PETUKA BAZOOKA

kbjone puts his finger on the skipper and covers for the win. The UMX then grab their helmets and put them on their opponents. They point to the back as the helmets read “Ferrari & Piers” then toss their opponents to the floor and laugh as they pose with their belts.

Mar Solo is backstage bathing in nothing but Sanka crystals. He says this is the last time he will ever be near Sanka again as he will win the Coffee Pot on a Poll Match at BoD Night of Champions and will never be without coffee again.

Bayless is calling his Administration as he cannot find them. He is pacing back and forth as it is time for the main event. Justice Gray tells him that Vinson is already in the ring

Jef Vinson is seated in the center of the ring next to a chess board. He takes the mic and begins to speak.

Vinson: Bayless, come down. I think we need to talk. I’m not leaving until you do.
 (Bayless comes down to the ring alone, looking worried)
 Vinson: Don’t panic, I just want to talk to you.
 Bayless: I’m NOT panicking. In case you’re not aware I run a show here and THE World champion and my Administration is not here. 
Vinson: (smiles) Oh we’ll get to that in a minute. I’m here to talk about our match at Night of Champions.
 Bayless: OK, let’s get one thing straight. You and that little French hooker have been a pain in my ass for the last few weeks. I just want some normalcy here. You brought all of this on yourself.
 Vinson: Oh, I am not absolving myself of any guilt. I understand the consequences of the moves that I made. Speaking of which are you familiar with chess? It may be a little outside of your wheelhouse and all but it is a brilliant game. It was said to have been created by the by the Eastern Indians in the…
 Bayless: What in the HELL does this have to do with anything?
 Vinson: Oh I was getting to that. See, the game teaches you patience and planning. One of the primary things is don’t panic when one of your key players gets taken off the board. (picks up the white queen) A good example of this was a famous chess match called the ‘Immortal Game’ because Adolf Anderssen sacrificed all of his key players to get the victory. Being that I am the GOD of BoD I can understand the Immortality part, but what you DON’T understand is that I will sacrifice ANYTHING to get what I want, Bayless. I want my title…and I want my bitch back.
 Bayless: (Takes the white queen from  Vinson’s hand and throws it into the crowd)Sorry, she’s not EVER coming back. She’s probably in Guantanamo Bay right now getting gang raped by guards. Face it, you can’t match wits with me. You’re about to go to war without your most powerful piece and I still have an army….
 Vinson: Oh…you mean the Administration? Yeah, about that. (knocks pawns off the board) Well I’ve just taken your pawns and that coked-up queen jobber out of the game as well….take a look. MONKEYS IN THE BACK, ROLL THAT FOOTAGE!! 
 (Joined in progress the DEA is raiding a large mansion in the hills. inside Jobber and members of the Administration are being arrested.)
 Jobber: What the fuck is the meaning of this?
 DEA Agent: You are under arrest for drug trafficking across state lines and kidnapping.
 Jobber: What drugs? What are you talking about?
 (The DEA agent cuts open a large box holding a 82″ flat screen that was just delivered and finds what appears to be 25 bricks of cocaine)
 DEA Agent: Yeah we were tipped off about this. The minute you accepted this you became guilty of trafficking.
 Jobber: Which one of you idiots signed for this?!?!
 DEA Agent: And how do you explain the woman tied to the chair? Do you know she’s been reported missing?
 Jobber: Somebody call Bayless!! This is BULLSHI*camera cuts off*
 (Bayless turns around and sees that Vinson has left the ring. He notices that the chess board only has the black and white kings on it)
 Vinson: (Yelling over the PA system) It’s just me and you now, motherfucker!

As Jobber and Adminsitration are being led out, the camera focuses on a Toyota Yaris in the background that contains the Midcard Mafia. They are all waiving to the camera as Bayless is flipping out in the ring.

BoD Night of Champions

Jobber vs. Cultstatus for the BoD Heavyweight Championship
GM Bayless vs. Jef Vinson
10 Team Gauntlet for the Gold with the Midcard Mafia the first team
BoD Writer’s Championship: “Marvelous” Matt Perri vs. Stranger in the Alps
C-List Fatal Four Way: DBSM vs. Night81 vs. Biscuit vs. Mikey Mike
Coffee Cup on a Poll Match: Mar Solo vs. Aric Johnson (Mar Solo will switch to Sanka permanently if he loses)
Andy PG vs. Tommy Hall with the winner getting the loser’s paycheck
Job Mob vs. Adam Curry & Cabspaintedyellow & Magoonie
Parallax vs. The Fuj for the #1 Contendership 
BoD Solid B+ Player Match: Hart Killer 09 vs. Joe Dust