WCW Prime: September 9, 1996

As the nWo continues to
expand like Joey Chestnut’s stomach on the 4th of July, at least
there is consistency in our lives. Knowing that Johnny B Badd, who is weeks
away from winning the WWF Intercontinental Title, is still able to blow me a
kiss every week during the opening of WCW Prime is enough to keep my heart a
flutter and maintain a steady pace of churning out the recaps.
Oh WCW Prime – what will
I do when you meet your untimely demise next month? Where will the jobberist
jobbers go? What of Todd Morton, The Gambler, and Buddy Valentine? Will we ever
find out the final chapter of Super Giant Ninja? Will fans be allowed to bid on
eBay for the chance to push the plunger that detonates Chris Cruise, or is that
not happening because eBay is still in its infancy and we haven’t truly
embraced it yet?
So many questions. So
many squashes.

CHRIS CRUISE and DUSTY RHODES have
taken the happy pills, because they can’t scream about Fall Brawl loud enough!
Dusty talks about the Giant having a tongue the length of the Nile, which I don’t
understand, but we’ll add to the chalkboard as another reason I’ll miss this
show.
CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. BILLY KIDMAN
What the heck is this
semi-competitive nonsense doing on my show? I realize Vegas has Chavo listed as
a 17-1 favorite, but that’s simply far too close for this show. They have a
test of strength because nothing smells like Cruiserweights more than watching
guys with arms like Gumby try and prove which one is more man than the other. Kidman
hits a dropkick, and then ducks a blind charge which sends Chavo crashing to
the floor. Kidman quickly rolls him in, hits a slingshot guillotine, but it’s
only 2. Kidman laughable tries a pin off a scoop slam because apparently he
thinks it’s 1917, and then moves to an armbar. Kidman nails a victory roll, but
Chavo wriggles loose. Chavo then gets one of his own out of nowhere, and scores
the pin at 5:42. If it’s taking 6
minutes AND a fluke finish to beat Kidman, Chavo hasn’t got a hope in hell at
Fall Brawl against DDP. **
I usually ignore the
commercials, but the GNC Pro Performance 2200 is one of the least responsible
things I’ve seen that aired during My Era. We all know about the cigarette ads
and sexist commercials from the 50’s and 60’s, but let me take you through this
(since I can’t find it on YouTube). Some scrawny pimply faced teenager is
unable to get girls, because all he dines on is fast food chalk full of fat and
cholesterol. The answer? GNC Pro Performance 2200, with 2200 calories per
glass. Not only is it chalked full of creatine and vitamins, but you’ll grow to
be about 6’6” with hulking muscles and a beautiful head of hair. It boggles my
mind that this stuff was green-lit when we all should have known better, but
then again we’re talking about a time when Brady Anderson hit 50 home runs and
it all made sense.
RON THE LEPRECHAUN vs. CHAD BROCK
Braun is all over the
bloody place, with absolutely no ebb or flow because he’s CRAZY you see. He
sadly doesn’t resort to cannibalism during the match, and even works in a semi
tree-of-woe submission thing. A top rope kneedrop gets the win at 1:40. THEN he resorts to cannibalism,
and eats Chad Brock. He even gets a chunk out of NICK PATRICK, who isn’t sporting a mustache, so either he shaved or
this has been sitting in the can since August. Of 1994. DUD
DISCO INFERNO vs. JOHNNY BOONE
DAVE PENZER is a good sport and shows off the gold record to everyone in
attendance. Yes, all 6 fans get a good strong look. Had their paid for the
premium package, they would have been able to touch it, AND get their ticket
stubs signed by the legendary RANDY
ELLER
(who is also our referee!). Disco hotshots future referee Boone, and
stops to dance. He points out his hair hasn’t moved an inch, always important.
Chartbuster finishes at 3:04. A lot
of Disco’s initial charm has worn off at this point, largely because he hasn’t
had an angle since, what, stealing the Colonel’s champagne in February? DUD
“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN vs. STEVE STORM
Dusty talks about the
importance of Sting’s role on Team WCW, proving he does not watching Nitro, or
talk to anyone who isn’t interested in discussing Dusty Rhodes. It’s the usual
80’s cartoon from Duggan here, with plenty of exaggerated stomping and
screaming of USA. Duggan missed a blind charge and slams his face against the
buckle, but with no brain cells to damage, he is right back on his feet and
throwing headbutts. 3 point stance finishes at 2:59. Duggan then wraps his fist and clocks Strong for the hell of
it. Unbelievably this is one of the best matches of the night. 1/2*
THE FACES OF FEAR (with Jimmy Hart) vs. THE NASTY
BOYS (in the Prime Cuts Moo Match of the Week)
There is a PILE of time
left in this show, and I’m really concerned it’s going to be for naught since I
can’t see either one of these teams jobbing on a WCW J-show. Dusty’s looking
for clubberin’ here, and I think he just might be rewarded. Lo and behold, Meng
and Knobbs let the fists fly at a rapid pace, but Dusty declares it’s not
clubberin’ because all 4 fists were hitting opposite heads. The Nastys then
show off a little Super Clubberin, by teeing off on Meng’s cranium. He no
sells, which I will forever love him for. Saggs attacks the groin, which might
be the only way to get any kind of reaction for Meng, and he’s obviously in
pain because he stares blankly and stands right up. Hart gets the guys to
regroup, giving clear (and racist) instructions of, and I quote, “Ooka manga! Ooka
managa!” The Barbarian goes in to get him some, and get him some he does, on
the receiving end of a clothesline/chop block combo. Knobbs hits a big splash,
and starts working on Barbarian’s leg. I assume a smart wrestler would be trying
to neutralize the Kick of Fear, but we’re talking about someone who’s trying to
make hay against a team that hangs out with RON THE LEPRECHAUN who is running around ringside again. If Dusty
Rhodes were able to achieve orgasm (let’s all assume he can’t for the sake of
our collective imaginations), this match would undoubtedly be on his favorites
list as required viewing. Meng starts paintbrushing Saggs’ face, but with a
little more oomph than your usual insult, and he hits a spike piledriver for 2.
Saggs is sent face first into the ringpost, and left for dead. The Fear hit a
double headbutt, Meng hits a scoop slam, but he misses an elbowdrop and he
makes the big tag to Knobbs. Slams for you, slams for me, slams for Meng, and
family. Duelling avalanche splashes hit Meng, but Hart makes noise and Knobbs
attachs. Meng dumps him, and it’s an over the top rope DQ at 9:39. The Faces of Fear hit the double
swandive headbutt off the top on Saggs because they’re pricks, and I’m now at a
point where I don’t want to see these guys job another match until roughly
2014. **

Cruise makes a final pitch
to buy Fall Brawl, and he might be the only person in the company who makes me
NOT want to see the show after the absolutely flawless build-up to WarGames.
Dusty declares Bah Humbug on the nWo, and we is out.
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