Saturday Night’s Main Event Countdown: #33

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The SmarK Rant for Saturday Night’s Main Event – 07.15.06 Now we’re getting into the SNME shows I’m REALLY dreading, when the ratings tanked and both NBC and WWE stopped giving a crap at either end. Much like me, because I was all in on WWE 24/7 and paying zero attention to the product. This show was hyping the Great American Bash PPV that no one remembers. Taped from Dallas, TX. Your hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole & JBL. Hulk Hogan joins us to start with Brooke, back before they were ruining TNA. Hulk really has nothing to say, and Randy Orton interrupts to give Brooke a rose and respectfully challenge Hulk to a match at Summerslam. He accepts, and that’s that. King Booker, Mark Henry & Finlay v. Lashley, Rey Mysterio & Batista Entrances take FOREVER here, dragging on for nearly 10 minutes total. We immediately take a break and return with Finlay headlocking Rey, but Mysterio gets a moonsault for two and the heels bail. Hornswaggle appears from under the ring to get some shots in while the ref was presumably off making a sandwich or something. Over to Henry, who misses a corner splash on Rey and it’s a false tag to Batista, allowing Booker to come in and take a rana from Rey. Now the real tag to Batista and he hits Booker with the spinebuster as JBL way oversells an upcoming Batista v. Mark Henry match. IT’S KING KONG AGAINST GODZILLA, MAGGLE! Well except King Kong injured himself for the millionth time and the match didn’t happen. 619 into Batista Bomb finishes Booker at 8:25. As a reminder, Booker was the guy challenging Rey for the World title a week later. Lashley was literally not even in the match and poor Mark Henry blew out his knee and was out for months. * Meanwhile, Vince gives the Spirit Squad a pep talk, and DX overdubs his speech with “hilarious” new dialogue. It’s prime time on a G rated show, so it’s lots of talk about “butts” and poopy joke type stuff. Meanwhile, the Divas have a bullriding contest. And later tonight is the finals! Johnny Nitro & Melina v. Carlito & Trish Stratus I don’t remember Carlito as a babyface at all. Trish throws forearms on Melina, but gets tripped up by Nitro and Melina takes over with a hairtoss. Over to the men, as Carlito gets a dropkick and backdrop suplex and the ladies brawl outside. Carlito finishes Nitro with the backstabber at 2:38. Barely even a match. ½* Meanwhile, Kevin Von Erich makes a quick cameo. Shawn Michaels & HHH v. The Spirit Squad This was pretty much the final burial of the Squad. This is elimination rules and when you’re gone, you get locked in a cage at ringside. Shawn cleans house with the plastic megaphone and superkicks Mitch out of the match at 1:14. We take a break and return with HHH pinning Johnny after a spinebuster at 1:41. Kenny tries to take a walk and Shawn follows, but that allows Vince to come out and hit Shawn with a chair. Back in the ring, Nicky gets an elbow in the corner for two and follows with a sleeper. Kenny misses a flying legdrop and it’s back to HHH, as he fights off the clowns with ease and tosses Nicky. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE kills Nicky dead at 5:01. Mikey follows at 5:38. Shawn finishes the squash with the superkick on Kenny into the Pedigree at 6:18. Why would someone supposedly as powerful and smart as Vince use these morons to do his dirty work? ½* On the bright side, Nicky did OK for himself as Dolph Ziggler. The Great Khali is out for a promo about how he’s going to destroy the Undertaker, but Big Show interrupts. As if this show wasn’t swirling the toilet already. Remember at this point that Khali was actually being sold as a dangerous threat who had pinned Undertaker with one foot in their first match! So Undertaker interrupts this pointlessness and we get a three-way brawl that ends with Undertaker getting laid out with a chokeslam from both heels. JBL was really insufferable on commentary here, acting like Undertaker was literally dead from the chokeslam and claiming that, quote, “The dong has sounded for the last time.” Meanwhile, Big Show challenges Undertaker to an ECW World title match this Tuesday. Extreme Rules match: Sabu v. Stevie Richards Sabu quickly hits Air Sabu and a sloppy moonsault for two. A table gets involved and breaks before Stevie even gets situated on it, so Sabu improvises a flying chair for the pin at 2:00. Fucking awful. DUD Meanwhile, Orton keeps talking up Brooke, but Hulk wants none of that. Understandable. But then Orton turns on him with an RKO on the trunk of the car. Brooke is mystified as to what happened to Hogan, even though Orton was kneeling there with his evil smirk on his face. I’m guessing Summerslam bombed that year. Bull Riding Finals: Michelle McCool v. Victoria Michelle lasts 12 seconds, Victoria lasts 6. Well at least it was quick. RAW World title: Edge v. John Cena Brawl on the floor to start and Cena charges, but hits the floor as we take a break. Back with Edge clotheslining him, which sets up a sloppy superplex. Edge boots him down for two, but they slug it out, which allows Cena to get the backdrop suplex. Five knuckle shuffle and FU follow, but Lita pulls out the ref. Cena dodges a spear and hooks the STFU, but Lita decks the ref again and it’s a DQ at 5:00. Just a quickie TV match. ** for Lita’s boobs. The Pulse Keep in mind that this was during the time when WWE was still actually TRYING to put on a good show with these. Just wait until we get into 2007 with NBC leaving them in the death slot with no promotion. A complete and total waste of 2 hours.