The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–07.31.95

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 07.31.95 Taped from Louisville, KY. Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler For those who need their dose of nostalgia for these shows, Joey Styles has you covered…in Zubaz. Notable from this week in history in the Observer: Wrestling Challenge has its final taping after a pretty good decade of syndication, thus showing the drastic shift to cable TV that was about to change the business. King Mabel v. Nick Barberri Mabel pounds away in the corner, but the jobber puts up a bit of a fight before bouncing off him again. Mabel with an enzuigiri and he tosses Barberri and sends him into the stairs, but misses an elbow in the ring. Barberri tries another comeback, but gets flattened with an Avalanche and suplex to finish at 3:10. I think Vince said “Stridex pads” roughly 18 times here to make sure we know who’s sponsoring Summerslam. Meanwhile, Fatu is still trying to make a difference, and he’s going to teach people that violence is wrong. However, cannibalism is apparently just fine. Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler tries to interview Shawn Michaels, who seems pretty coked up to my amateur eye. Shawn tries to goad him into a match, but Lawler won’t bite. Bam Bam Bigelow v. Bob Cook Bigelow throws him around the ring, but Bob hides in the ropes to get a breather and then throws his LEGENDARY RIGHT HANDS! Bigelow is staggered and an upset is imminent as you can hear Jim Ross screaming his head off at Gorilla, but Bigelow then ruins everything by suplexing him and going to the chinlock. Goddammit, this storyline writes itself and they’re fucking it up. Bigelow is a guy dressed in fire and Cook throws a right hand…DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A MAP? Also, WWF is going onto AOL or something. Bigelow finishes with the diving headbutt at 3:20 as my dreams of a Bob Cook push die. Vince trying to talk about “the internet” like he’s the cool dad is quite sad. Meanwhile, Dean Douglas gives Bigelow a grade of F. Just because he’s ugly, see. That was somehow even weaker than the first Douglas promo. Skip Bodydonna v. Major Yates Speaking of Douglas, here’s the other third of the future version of the Triple Threat. Yates gets a rollup for two while Skip showboats, but Skip regains control and finishes with a superplex at 2:20. Skip was booked ridiculously weak, even in his squashes. Summerslam Report Insider with Todd. So yeah, this was another Vince thing, as “insider” was becoming a buzzword and so this is no longer a report. Announced thus far: Diesel v. Mabel, Shawn v. Sid, Bret v. Yankem. This of course was subject to change. WWF tag titles: Owen Hart & Yokozuna v. Razor Ramon & Savio Vega Savio slugs away on Owen to start and stops to dance, but still keeps Owen in the corner for some double-teaming. Ramon tosses him and we take a break, returning with Razor hitting the blockbuster slam for two. Over to Yoko, but Savio manages to put him on the floor with a dropkick and he’s so excited that he just has to dance again. Yoko gets some advice from Mr. Fuji, but it’s pretty useless because he doesn’t speak Japanese. Back in, Savio controls Owen with armdrags but gets whipped into the turnbuckles and the heels finally take over. We take another break and return with the match BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as the babyfaces make the comeback and Razor hits the Edge on Owen for the pin and the titles at 12:40. However, Owen may not have been legal and this is the one time in wrestling history that someone actually pays attention and gives a shit, so Hebner owns up to it and THE MATCH MUST CONTINUE. Too bad he didn’t do that two years later. So we start again and Ramon tosses Owen off the top onto Yoko, and Savio beats on Owen in the corner before a small package gets two. And then we take another break and return with Savio getting a sunset flip on Owen for two, but Yoko misses an elbow and we take yet another break. Back with Razor crotching Owen in the corner and slamming him for two as Vince notes that they’ll restart the match next week if someone doesn’t win, and indeed time runs out and we go off the air without a finish after about 20:00 total. That was some eye-rolling stupidity right there. Match was meandering and had no real heat segment or finish, obviously. ** Next week: More of this crappy match as I wrap up Monday Night RAW on the Network for the time being! Also, Diesel v. Sir Mo, because 1995.