This has nothing to do with the WWE
Coat Security is surrounding the entire ring. The lower midcard has gathered on
the ramp. GM Bayless now grabs the mic:
was forced to make some changes. You see, due to all of the damage that Jef
Vinson caused, I was forced to make some financial decisions that will directly
impact all of you. I was forced to remove all of the benches in your locker
room to use for firewood in my office. I was also forced to cancel your meal
allowance on the road, because of Jef Vinson’s antics. I was forced to have all
plumbing shut off in your locker room because I could no longer afford to keep
it running, because of Jef Vinson. You see, Jef Vinson did this to you. Jef
Vinson does not care about your well-being. Jef Vinson only cares about
himself. His actions are indicative of a selfish man who only does what will benefit
himself and not you or anyone else in the BoD.
With that being said,
I have spoken with the BoD Board of Directors and have revoked the Top 5 Lounge
privileges from Jef Vinson this week. (Bayless looks directly at the lower
midcarders before him) And because I think everyone should be responsible for
their actions, Jef Vinson will be dressing in the lower midcard dressing room.
This way, all of you (points at the lower midcard again) can confront him about
his recent actions.
Vinson, you will have a match tonight against someone else you have angered
through your actions. With the money you cost the BoD, I was unable to restock
the ice cream bar and now, Jef Vinson, you will step into the ring with Todd “Hoss”
Lorenz. Hoss, come out and tell us how you feel.”
(Hoss comes out
holding a giant bowl and spoon)
Hoss: MY ICE CREAM
BOWL IS EMPTY. I WILL FUCKING KILL WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. JEF VINSON,
I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bayless: Tonight, Jef
Vinson, you will pay. You will pay dearly my friend.
(Bayless leaves and
orders everyone else to follow him to the locker room as Hoss demands the lower midcarders get him ice cream ASAP)
It is perfectly clear that the GM is on a mission to get the
BoD to turn on Jef Vinson.
Championship #1 Contender’s Tournament Quarterfinal:
Matt Perri w/ Miss Danielle
T-shirt available now at BoD Shopzone. He starts the match by taking Perri to
the mat and applying all sorts of armbars that he learned from watching the
past G1 Tournament. Perri reaches the ropes then refuses to break cleanly and
takes control of the match. Perri hammers away in the corner but misses a
charge in the corner. Muraco comes back with a clothesline and goes back to
work on the arm with a Fujiwara armbar but Perri reaches the ropes again. Miss
Danielle grabs the leg of Muraco and he yells at her but from behind Perri
takes him to the floor with a knee smash. Perri goes outside and slams Muraco’s
head off of the apron then poses for a bit. Muraco looks mad, probably because
this match is not close to ****. Back inside, Perri works on the leg of Muraco
and gets a nearfall with a shinbreaker. Perri misses an elbow drop and that allows
Muraco to fight back. Muraco hammers away and clotheslines Perri through the
ropes. Perri is up on the apron and Muraco tries to suplex him back in but Miss
Danielle trips him up and Perri falls on top then Miss Danielle grabs Muraco’s
leg as the ref counts to three. Perri advances to the Semi-Finals to take on
the winner of tonight’s match as Muraco is pissed off.
Jef Vinson has arrived to the Lower Midcard Locker Room. He
looks around at the horrid conditions that surrounds him.
Suddenly, the locker room stops what they were doing and stares at Vinson. Matt Indeed, now sporting a white windbreaker and feathered hair, asks Vinson if he wants to reform Strike Force. Vinson said no thanks as Matt Indeed continues to ask the locker room if they want to be part of his team.
“Happening” Harry Broadhurst tells Jef two Harry facts:
9. Harry likes his Spaghetti O’s with meatballs
10. Harry thinks Jef Vinson is an asshole for punishing the midcarders
In the corner, Ripner Cabnit, Alex Bull, and Tom Dawkings are huddling down and covering their heads as the ceiling tiles are on falling down. Now, Greg Phillips, “Pistol” Pete Labozetta, Matt Hayden, Flyin’ Brian Gutan, Brian Wise, Stan Ford, and Eddie Chicago have all surrounded Vinson and are now beating him down. Vinson fights off the lowly bottom dwellers but now even more guys come piling in to help. Its about 20 vs. 1 right now as Vinson busts through the circle! He starts hammering away and busts through. Jef now as a chain he apparently found on the floor and starts swinging it around as everyone backs off. Jef Vinson is refusing to go down, folks.
GM Bayless is back in the ring. He welcomes out the BoD Champion, Jobber123, and his stable consisting of Zanatude, his man-crush Stuart Chartock, and Big Dirty Murph. White Coat Security is instructing the fat people and the ugly girls to turn their back away from the champ when he enters as they distrub him. Bayless then says with great pleasure, he will show us what Jef Vinson robbed us of last week. Here is your champion caring for the children. Roll the tape.
(The camera shows Jobber and Big Dirty Murph smoking a joint at the basketball court. A few kids run over and approach them)
Kid #1: Hey, aren’t you the BoD World Champion?
Jobber: (hits the joint) Yeah, (Blows the smoke at the kids) I am the champ. What do you want?
Kid #2: Well, we want to play basketball and you are in our way.
Big Dirty Murph: The champ will leave when he is finished.
Kid #1 Hey, isn’t that marijuana? Drugs are bad for you
Jobber: (Slightly Irritated) I have a prescription you dick. I belong to six dispensaries and it is perfectly legal. I am not like your white trash parents.
Kid #2: What did our parents do wrong?
Jobber: (Stands up) Well, first off, your clothes look like shit. That means your parents are poor. How old is the Infinity in your driveway anyway?
Both Kids: (Confused) I don’t know
Jobber: Look, if you are poor, then its your parents fault. It means they are terrible people. Kids, if I was you, I would try to solve that problem.
Both Kids: How do we do that.
Jobber: How the fuck would I know? (Smirks) Well, I do know, actually. (Pulls out a bag with what appears to be candy) Kids, want some Jolly Ranchers?
Both Kids: Sure (They put them in their mouths)
Jobber: They will make you feel good. The doctor at my dispensary gave them to me.
Both Kids: (start giggling and laughing at their hands) Thank you Jobber!
Jobber: No problem. (Looks over to Murph) Hey, lets go to the titty bar. Maybe we will see these kids’ mothers.
Big Dirty Murph: Yeah, they seem the type to dance the lunch shift
Jobber: Just like Jef Vinson’s valet (Both guy now laugh hysterically)
Jobber123, the anti-hero all your children want to emulate.
Back in the ring, GM Bayless looks mad at Jobber and his crew. He tells them to leave Jef Vinson’s valet out of this and they now damn well she wouldnt be dancing the lunch shift at the strip club…………………because her tube tits are too sloppy to even set up the lunch buffet at the strip club. The GM and the others all have a big laugh.
Backstage, Roth Munson and Trunk Barlow give Hoss his ice cream. Hoss looks and sees there are only two pints in the back and both are pistachio. Hoss screams at them. WHO THE FUCK PUT HEALTH FOOD IN MY ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoss then picks up each guy by the neck and chokes them before putting them in chairs. Hoss now orders them to each eat a pint in under a minute. Both guys furiously cram the half-melted ice cream down their throats. They both just beat the deadline as they look exhausted and full. Hoss then orders them to stand up. Both guys struggle to get to their feet then Hoss immediately punches them in the stomach as they both get sick. Hoss then chokeslams them both down. Hoss now looks angrier than ever as the camera zooms in on his giant empty bowl and spoon.
The National Guard has arrived as they have been notified that a bazooka, specifically a Petuka Bazooka, is going to be launched tonight.
GM Bayless is in the ring. He says that he has two new spambots turned BoD NXT graduates that will face the champs. He also says that he has not forgotten about the Midcard Mafia for what they did last night and reminds them how Magoonie has still not been cleared by Medical Director Miss Diagnosis. He then says that next week, Nick Piers & Steve Ferrari will have a match. GM Bayless then gets back to the matter at hand and says that here are the opponents for the champions……………..Bark Reynolds & Slip Karstens!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY THE STARPOWER
BoD Tag Team Title Match
Bark Reynolds & Slip Karstens vs. Upper Midcard Express
The UMX are still wearing their helmets as they head to the ring. kbjone heads over to the National Guard and shows him is graphs of how they are the upper midcard and not the regular, thus making it non-sensical that they have to defend their titles against the Midcard Mafia. Match starts with the UMX wailing the piss out of these two with their helmets. kbjone sends Reynolds into the corner with a powerbomb then tosses him to the floor. Uh oh, the National Guard are preparing as a bazooka is about to be launched in 3……….2…………..1
kbjone then covers with his pinky finger for the win. The UMX are now posing in the ring but from the crowd comes the Midcard Mafia!!!!!! Piers and Ferrari attack them from behind but the UMX slip out of the ring. The Midcard Mafia then notice the helmets that are in the ring as they pick them up, with the UMX going mental at the thought of people below them on kbjone’s graphs are touching their property. The Midcard Mafia then go outside and proceed to smash the helmets against the ringposts as they shatter completely. The UMX flip out as the National Guard sits idle then yell at them for doing nothing while their tax dollars are paying their salaries.
GM Bayless is backstage with Justice Gray. He tells them that the fucking lower midcard is pathetic for not carrying out his orders. He says that the plan will work though, no matter what.
And now, here is a video of a new BoD RAW performer who will be making his debut in the coming weeks. Here is Biff Kensington III:
(Camera shows a man reading a Vineyard Vines Catalog)
“Hello, I am Biff Kensington III. As a product of wealth, thanks to my father Biff Jr., I have had a desire. That desire has lead me to enter the BoD. Besides lobbying congress to deregulate so I can make more profits for Kensington Enterprises, my desire to enter the BoD is even greater. I strive to have the gold around my waist, build my own luxurious lounge and even spread the wealth. Maybe to acquire a stable? Maybe not? But remember this (sticks is coffee cup out as a Jamaican Maid pours his coffee) I will win when I get to the BoD because I am a winner. And to vote GOP on election day.”
Back in the Luxurious Top 5 Lounge, Jobber sits down next to Parallax.
Jobber: You know, Vinson is fucking us both over.
Parallax:(Looks Bothered) How so?
Jobber: He is taking money out of our wallets to start. Plus, he used to go to the GM behind our backs to rat us out for stuff we never did. I heard that he told Bayless you were selling your first class travel packages for more than they were worth to fuel a drug habit.
Parallax (Doesn’t appear to believe Jobber): Why would he do that?
Jobber: Jealously. He cheated to win the Money on the Table match and never would have if you were there. I heard he made sure to go to Bayless and have you and Farva (RIP my man) wrestle at BoD Mania so there would be less competition for him in the match.
Parallax: I dont know about any of that and quite frankly, I do not care.
Jobber: (Lights up a blunt) You know, Lax, we are a lot alike. And both of us are getting fucked over by Vinson. I think we should do something about that.
Parallax: (Looks slightly more interested) What do you have in mind?
Jobber: Next week, we are booked in the BoD RAW main event against Vinson & Cultstatus.
Parallax: (Shocked) I never heard that?
Jobber: Heard that in the locker room. (Blows smoke too close towards Parallax)
Parallax: (Unhappy about the smoke): Don’t blow that shit in my face? If we have the match, I will be there.
Jobber: Hey man, if you need to calm down have one of these (pulls out weed jolly ranchers)
Parallax: (Angry) Do you have shit for brains or something?
Jobber: Sorry man, forgot that’s not your thing. Next week though, we will be there against two people trying to hold us down.
Parallax: (Gets up and leaves) Next week then
Biscuit v Night81
Night by now is used to working early in the card, as he
came up short in a critically acclaimed Best of 5 series against DBSM and looks
to take vengeance on Biscuit, who’s been harassing every C-Lister with his
constant interference and beatdowns. Night takes the fight to Biscuit early,
showing ability above that of your average C-Lister, but Biscuit has every move
sealed off, countering Night’s moves with flawless technique! Running Bulldog
is sealed, Twisting Face Crusher is evaded, and the No Mercy Headscissors
Takedown is countered with a cartwheel! Desperate, Night goes to the striking
game for his answers. Spin Kick! Caribbean Uppercut! Flash Kick! 1….2….NO!
Biscuit kicks out. Night then tries a Cactus Piledriver, but Biscuit counters
with a big back body drop, before throwing Night around with abandon! Belly to
Belly Suplex! Butterfly Suplex! Kamisori Suplex! Capture Suplex! 1….2….NO!
Night gets out of it. Biscuit puts Night on top for the Throwback(Bridging
Floatover Butterfly Superplex), but Night does an acrobatic flip reversal,
lands on his feet on the canvas, then takes Biscuit down from behind with the
Night Rider(Reverse Frankensteiner)! Night goes for the pin, but gets waffled
with a lead pipe from….Joedust? Whats going on?
and hitting the Dust Crusher(Fisherman’s Brainbuster), leaving Night out cold!
Joedust and Biscuit pose, but are run off by Mikey Mike and DBSM! Joedust and
Biscuit retreat to the ramp, and while DBSM and Mikey check on Night, Joedust
gets a mic and says he will explain his actions. He says that Mikey Mike and
DBSM were a disgrace to the recently formed BoD Top 19, and Joedust felt he had
to do something about it. Joedust provided quality posts and underappreciated
opinions, and now suddenly a bunch of 8000 count C-List wannabes corrupt
everything and take a certain status that they don’t deserve to have. No more,
sez Dust, as him and Biscuit will show the BoD what these Ring Generals are
capable of, and force this Top 19 to become a Top 18, as it was always meant to
be. Joedust then says that Mike should sign away that C-List title to Biscuit,
because the Halitosis Kid will prove hes the baddest, most quality posting
C-Lister on the block at Night of Champions, and thats a Ring General
guarantee. Joedust drops the mic and walks away. THIS FEUD WILL CONTINUE,
ALEBIT IN A DIFFERENT FORM WITH MORE PEOPLE.
Backstage, Abeyance is chatting with thebraziliankid
Abeyance: Due to budget cuts, “Welcome to the BoD” was cut this week
thebraziliankid: Oh no. That’s not good
Abeyance: But it gives me more time to talk to my friend. Her name is Maria Marry.
thebraziliankid: Um, isn’t that a bot?
Abeyance: No, its Maria Marry. I havent met Bot. Should I welcome him to the BoD?
thebraziliankid: Um, sure
Abeyance:Okay, lets go find him
(They both leave to do whatever it is they are going to do)
Kyle Fitta is getting ready for his Writer’s Tournament
Match against Logan Scisco, before sudddenly hes jumped from behind and given a
kendo stick beatdown by Rock Star Gary and Bill Ray, while Brian Bayless
watches! The beating eventually stops, as Rock Star Gary reports that Fitta was
assaulted by two unknown men, and since hes in no condition to compete, says
that he should take Fitta’s place in the tournament. Bill Ray confirms the
story, and adds that Rock Star Gary had the balls to review Over The Edge 1999
when no other writer did, therefore making him the perfect choice. Bayless
concurs, and announces that Rock Star Gary will take on Logan Scisco! WILL
BAYLESS EVER STOP SCREWING OVER THE LOWERCARD?
Gary’s dubious entry into this tournament may have changed
the game, as he goes up against the criminally underrated Logan Scisco in this
quarterfinal matchup. Logan controls with decent, underrated offense, but being
a 20 reply writer, no one cares. Logan tries a shallow arm drag, but Gary
counters into one of his own, sending him to the outside before distracting the
ref so Bill Ray can beat on Scisco! DASTARDLY CHEATIN! Scisco is thrown in, as
Gary rakes the head, eyes, legs, and back, desperate for an advantage, before
shifting to more practical offense. Modified Glam Slam! Tilt-A-Whirl
Backbreaker! Lower the Boom Punch! 1….2….NO! Scisco kicks out. Gary goes to
the top, looking for a big back elbow, but Scisco evades the attack! Knee
Trembler! 1….2….NO! Belly to Back Suplex! 1….2….NO! Back Brain
Kick……gets nothing, as Bill Ray is on the apron distracting the ref! Scisco
exchanges bon mots with Ray, before front kicking him off the apron! Scisco
then heads back in and goes for the Thread Reply(Reverse STO) on Gary, but Gary
knees him in the balls! Ref didn’t see it! Gary shifts behind Scisco and then
hits the White Line(Sleeperhold Neckbreaker)! 1….2…..3! Gary advances!
a Ray Gun(Modified Zig Zag) on Scisco for good measure! The rest of the Administration
and White Coat Security do a Gracie train on the way to the ring, before
lifting up Gary onto their shoulders and celebrating, as confetti rains through
the air! You’d think this was a World title match celebration instead of a
quarterfinal qualifier for the Writer’s Title, but the Administration is
clearly savoring the small victories.
Danimal Crossing is backstage. He is in blackface and wearing a Native American Headdress while holding up a shoehorn. As the mystery to figure out his new gimmick continues he tells us that he has to go back toh his big rig, not a little rig. He then says there is nothing lil’ about this gimmick
BoD NXT Generator
Racial Stereotype with Lil’ added to name
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist
Mack the Evil Trucker
Once again, Mar Solo finds his locker stuffed with cans of Sanka. He picks one of them up and turns around and sees Aric Johnson. Mar says that at BoD Night of Champions, they will be facing off in a “Coffee Cup on a Poll” match. Mar then says if he loses, he will only drink Sanka going forward. Aric laughs then tells him that he better get used to decaffeinated coffee crystals as Mar Solo tells him that the CFL is a bunch of silly bullshit filled with players too crappy for the NFL.
And now, back to New Zealand as YJ2310 trains with Mr. Tony Garea:
Garea: Now son, whadda ya do to start the match
YJ2310: I smile confidently because I’m winning. Then I use a hammerlock then a big hiptoss
Garea: Go on………
YJ2310: I then set up for three straight jumping side headlock takeovers but work the headlock for five straight minutes after that so I dont show off too much for the crowd.
Garea: That’s good. What else?
YJ2310: When I have to sell, I make sure it is on the mat so I get some rest.
YJ2310: Then I escape, hit a shoulder block, then come back with a crossbody for the win!!!!!
Garea: THAT’S HOW YOU FUCKING DOO IT MY BOY!!!!!!!!!! THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU YET!!!!!!
Archie Stackhouse vs
The UnStable (Jesse Baker, Steven Stennick, and Gideon Stargrave)
Something tells me 3 to 1 odds are acceptable for any
Riverdaler. Stargrave begins the match with fury, as he still holds a grudge
for Stackhouse beating him during a previous BoD Raw taping. He comes out
strong with windmill punches, but Archie counters with a right hand to the
face! Gideon wipes a sizeable degree of blood off his mouth, then tries a
different approach! Diva-like forearms! Botched kicks! Stackhouse laughs as he
pretends to be affected by this. Gideon goes for Solitary
Confinement(Inescapable Wheelbarrow Rollup), but Archie escapes! WHO WOULD’VE
GUESSED? Archie’s had enough, and starts to take over on offense.
Teeth-rattling Forearms! Bus Driver Uppercut! Switchblade Kiss(Running
Enzuigiri)! Burning Hammer! 1….2…..3! Stargrave is eliminated! Stennick
comes in, and threatens to insult Stackhouse on another message board because
he doesn’t like what the WWE wants him to like and is therefore a loser smark
with no life, but Stackhouse counters with a right hand to the face!
Switchblade Kiss! Gutwrench Backbreaker! Stackhouse grins a death-head grin,
then uses Stennick’s never seen 3rd Degree Markslaughter(Argentine Rack Cutter)
finishing move against him! Neck Crank for good measure! 1….2…..3! Stennick
is eliminated! Baker threatens to book Stackhouse in a storyline long enough to
take up 25% of RSPWFAQ bandwidth, but Archie counters with a right hand to the
face! How does the UnStable keep falling for this? Roundhouse Kick! Neck Crank!
Burning Hammer! Baker is out, but clearly the point is not proven here! Second
Neck Crank! BURNING LARIAT! JESSE BAKER HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED! Archie
picks Baker up and…..CRITICAL NECK CRANK! CALL 911! 1….2…..3! Academic
three count, as Stackhouse blows off a potential month long feud in one show!
Baker is stretchered out, as he is frothing at the mouth from that vicious Neck
Crank. Stackhouse makes cut-throat gestures at the camera with his crowbar as
we go into a commercial for the BoD RPG!
Next week, we will get an update on the condition of Magoonie as he is under the special care of Miss Diagnosis at the Medicore Medical Center.
Backstage, the producers are freaking out as they are unable to locate Hoss. An assistant runs over and says that Hoss left a few minutes ago talking about how he had the “route” and was going to “get it all.” Someone else runs over and says that a production truck is missing. Bayless then orders them both to go find Hoss as a camera crew follows.
Bayless heads to the ring and says that Hoss is not here so it will be time to go home as the show has ended. The crowd boos as The Authority are telling the fans to leave as Bayless yells on the mic but from behind comes Jef Vinson!!!!! He is hammering away on the GM. Jobber and his stable run out but from underneath the ring comes Adam Curry, Andy PG, Kyle Warne, and Cabspaintedyellow!!!!!!!! Its a wild brawl at ringside as the GM is getting his ass handed to him. The GM finally escapes through the crowd as Vinson chases after him. Warne and Cabs, both guys laid out by Murph last month, are now kicking his ass.
We see the production assistant driving on the road as a car is parked sideways. Its Hoss and a stolen production truck. Coming towards him is an eighteen-wheeler and OH MY GOD ITS A BEN AND JERRY’S TRUCK!!!!!!! Hoss is in the middle of the road with his giant empty bowl and spoon as he is going to hijack an ice cream truck due to a severe case of ice cream deprivation!!!!!!!!!!!! The truck does not appear to be breaking. WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HOSS AND WILL HE GET ICE CREAM!!!!!!! HAPPY LABOR DAY TO ALL OF THE BoD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111