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The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–04.10.95

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 04.10.95 Let’s see how well the Network feed cooperates tonight. It’s weird, too, because I watch these things at about 11:00PM Central time every night, or roughly “the middle of the fucking night” if you’re in a time zone that matters, so it’s not like the Network should be super-congested with people all trying to watch shitty 1995 RAW episodes all at once. Also, positive thoughts and best wishes to Karl Stern. No-sell that shit like John Cena, buddy. Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY. Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler and our good friend the green screen. Tatanka v. Adam Bomb Interesting how WCW hasn’t even debuted Nitro, but already the shows are already swinging away from all squashes and becoming more star v. star focused as of late. Tatanka throws chops but gets overpowered and dropkicked, and a nice one too for a lunkhead like Bryan Clarke. Thankfully he’s switched back to his heel red and black gear instead of the retina-raping day-glo neon blue and yellow abomination. Tatanka throws more chops, but Bomb hits him with a jumping clothesline and we take a break. Back with Tatanka doing his weak stomps to take over and we hit the chinlock. When fucking BRYAN CLARKE is carrying the pace of the match you know you suck. So Bomb makes the comeback and throws clotheslines like he’s an NXT babyface, but Tatanka bails to escape and they brawl on the floor for the double countout at 8:50. LAME. ** The Headshrinkers v. Mike Bell & Tony Devito Apparently they’re flying Afa and Albano around again, so business must be picking up a bit. We’re getting perilously close to MAKIN’ A DIFFERENCE Fatu but I don’t recall the exact repackage time. Fatu superkicks Bell, but gets distracted by Devito and Bell gets his shots in. Sionne hits Bell with a cheapshot while Vince shills DUCKMAN following the show. I actually really loved that show and used to watch it after RAW every week, one of the few shitty USA shows I would stick around for. Fatu finishes with a flying splash at 3:00. Meanwhile, Jean Pierre Lafitte is a pirate or some shit. Last week, Shawn Michaels says the wrong thing to Sid and gets powerbombed three times, and this time we get to see them all. The first two were some spectacularly ugly powerbombs, with Shawn nearly flying over Sid’s head and landing on his shoulder. No wonder he sold an injury angle for a couple of months. Kama v. Scott Taylor Kama now his melted down urn chain and Ted Dibiase with him. Taylor gets a hiptoss in, but Kama proceeds to his boring “MMA” offense before finishing with a pump splash at 2:45. You know, like all UFC fighters use. Bret Hart, Bob Holly & 1-2-3 Kid v. Hakushi, Owen Hart & Yokozuna Vince notes that RAW did its highest rating ever last week, which was a 3.5 according to the Observer. So yes, even these horrible shows are doing better than today’s product. And what happened with the Kid’s injury angle from a few weeks back? It was never even mentioned again on RAW. Yoko gets triple-teamed by the babyfaces and we take a break, returning with Kid getting levelled by an Owen leg lariat for two. Yoko comes in for the nervehold, which drives me nuts because it’s a SIX-MAN. If Yoko can’t do anything at this point, fine, but let the guys who can move carry the match instead of doing restholds for minutes at a time. The gag with the team is supposed to be that Owen does the whole match and can’t win, then Yoko comes in and destroys the guy, and Owen steals the pin and takes all the credit. It’s a pretty easy formula. Kid continues to take a beating and we take another break. Back with Kid coming back with a springboard bodypress for two, but Owen cuts off the tag and Yoko drops a leg on him. Hakushi comes in with a nice dropkick and a backbreaker, but Kid catches him with a powerbomb and it’s hot tag Bret Hart. Three clotheslines drop Yoko and he follows with the flying bulldog for two. The other heels come in and Bret tees off on Hakushi in the corner, allowing Yoko to catch him from behind. Owenzuigiri and kneedrop follow, but Bret makes a blind tag to Holly on the rebound and Bob rolls up Owen out of nowhere for the surprise pin at 15:00. Kid getting the shit kicked out of him is always entertaining. ***1/4 Vince and Jerry wrap things up in front of the green screen. They’re totally at ringside, you guys! Also, you should buy Wrestlemania if you like football players, because there’s quite a few of them, plus Salt N Pepa. Also, I wanna say…wrestling? Next week: Bob Holly & the Kid challenge for the tag titles! Another good show this week.