BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

GM Bayless and the Administration are in the ring to start the show. Bayless looks proud as he grabs the mic:

“Ever since last night, I have been listening to you people bitch and moan about what you did not like about BoD SummerSlam (crowd starts screaming at the GM). Well, there is one thing you can do about that…………..and that is kiss my ass!!!!!! You see, some people in the BoD need a reminder about who is the boss around here. And Jef Vinson, you know damn well why I did what I did. For those of you dumb fucks who need a refresher course, Jef Vinson has been the single-biggest pain in my ass. A pain in my ass mind you who was not medically cleared to be here tonight. Anyway,  Lets roll the tape.


You see, at the BoD Rumble, I was eliminated by Jef Vinson and John Petuka. Then, at BoD Mania, I devised a plan that should have made me walk out as the Money on the Table briefcase holder but that fucking midcard parking attendant fucked it up for me and who got to benefit from that, Jef Vinson. And finally, at BoD WarGames, I was pinned and robbed and who did that you ask, why Jef Vinson. You see, the constant factor to all of my problems is Jef Vinson so last night, I took it upon myself to make myself his biggest problem. And if you think you are getting a rematch, you are thinking incorrectly! You will not even get a shot at the C-List Title, whenever the fuck that arrives in the mail, for as long as I am the GM. Mr. GIF, there was no way in hell I was going to let you walk out of BoD SummerFest as the Champion. My plan worked to perfection (crowd boos, starts a “We Want GIF’s” chant)
(Points to Nebb28, dressed in a tuxedo t-shirt and a chauffer’s hat)) And Magoonie, take a look at the newest member of The Administration. You know the old saying of not being able to keep a boy away from his petrock? Well, I made Nebb28 a deal he could not refuse and now has visitation rights with his pet that belongs to me!!!!!!!! Hey Gosh, let Nebb hold that for a minute. (Gosh lets Nebb hold the Rock. Nebb looks sad as he handles his ex-pet) THAT IS ENOUGH, NEBB!!!!!! GIVE ME BACK MY ROCK!!!!!!!!! (Nebb hands back the Rock as the rest of the Administration surround him). Magoonie, I hope you enjoy tonight’s show at home with a bag of frozen peas on your head.
But, my night was not perfect. Even though I defeated Magoonie and my plan to crown a new champion worked to perfection, the other two members of the Midcard Mafia, Nick Piers & Steve Ferrari, took it upon themselves to sign their names on the booking sheet after they snuck into my office. That is uncalled for and as a result, you will not get a shot at the title until everyone else who you screwed over by entering the Battle Royal. And the first team to get a shot will be my hand-picked surprise team that never got a chance to enter that Battle Royal. And that match is happening………………..tonight. And Piers and Ferrari, you also have a match against Paul Meekin & White Thunde and………… Bill Ray & Average Joe Everyman and……………..THE RIPSHIT KILLERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




And next week, Jobber123 will have his celebration ceremony as he and his entourage have been given the night off for a job well done. He is at home blowing coke near his 75 inch TV and I just might give in an 80 inch TV to put next to it and a blanket, so his girlfriend can keep warm when she sleeps outside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Backstage, we see Mikey Mike on a flip NOKIA cell phone, dealing with layers of customer service at UPS. Mikey is apparently frustrated at his lack of a C-List title belt, and demands satisfaction, as he’s had to tolerate watching Night and DBSM steal every show and badly wants to wrestle and defend his title. Mikey gets pissed over the incompetence of the customer service, and eventually threatens the Customer Service Associate with a Columbus Steamer if they don’t get their shit together. Apparently, thats one hell of a threat, as the UPS employee immediately agrees to see what he can do! Mikey Mike hangs up, only to find David Bonzai Saldana Montgomery waiting behind him. DBSM explains that since Mikey’s title isn’t here yet, Justice Gray has arranged a tag match with DBSM and Mikey taking on Night81 and Biscuit. Mikey nods in approval, but says that just because they are temporary friends now doesn’t mean they’ll be friends later once Mikey retains his title. C-LIST STORYLINES~!

Backstage GM Bayless is in the Writer’s Locker room. Dock Muraco is sporting his new “Wake Me Up When it Reaches ****1/2” T-shirt. Bayless informs them all that he is going to have a new tournament to determine the #1 Contender to Stranger in the Alps’ BoD Writer’s Championship. Tommy Hall seems upset as the rest of the Writers look happy to be getting a shot.

GM Bayless is backstage with Justice Gray. He tells him that he has given Hoss, Abeyance, thebraziliamkid, and Buck Nasty the night off and next week, they will all take part of “Welcome to the BoD.”

“Happening” Harry Broadhurst vs. Flyin’ Brian Gutan
Before the match, we learn some more Harry facts:
4. Harry can recite the cast of “7th Heaven” by birthdate, SAT scores, and shoe size.
5. Every Christmas, Harry throws a party and only tells one person that it is an ugly sweater party so when they are the only one showing up in an ugly sweater, they get laughed at.
The bell rings as Harry removes his jacket but all of a sudden, Parallax runs out full-steam ahead. His eyes are still red from the Tabasco sauce and he has a bandage on the back of his skull has he runs into the ring. Harry bails and tells the crowd that Harry Fact #6 is he knows when to get the fuck out of the ring. Parallax boots Gutan down to the mat then just hammers away. Parallax hits Gutan with a DDT then picks him up and hits the curb stomp. He looks to hit another one but drops Gutan down instead. Parallax then picks up the mic……….but smashes it off of the ringpost instead then leaves. Folks, this man is pissed off. I know that does not shock you but he is a man possessed.

And now, more of Wade Michael Meltzer in Auckland, New Zealand.

(When we last left Wade, a horse dragged him down to Kiwifruit Blvd. Wade gets up and hears a familiar voice from a basement. Wade crawls over and peeks through the window and finally sees what he traveled across the world to see)


Garea: So, you want to be a professional wrestler. 
YJ2310: (hands Mr. Garea a bag of kiwifrui that gets slapped right out of his hands)
Garea: YOU DONT FUCKIN’ SMILE WHEN YOUR BOOKED TO LOSE THE MATCH. IT DOESNT MATTER IF YER THERE BABYFACE ER NOT. I DONT CARE HOW MANY FUCKIN’ KIWIFRUITS YOU HAND OUT. YOU LOOK MISERABLE, SO THE CROWD IS MISERABLE TOO WHEN THEY SEE YOU LOSE!!!!!!!! THEN, YOU TAKE 95% OFF THE OFFENSE AND YOU ONLY LOSE WHEN YOU MISS A FLYING CROSSBODY. YOU LOSE ON YOUR TERMS SO YOU CAN GET RIGHT UP AND LEAVE THE RING IMMEDIATELY SO YA DONT HAVE TO SELL A DAMN THING!!!!!!!


Folks, Mr. Garea appears to be teaching YJ2310 on how to be a professional babyface.

In the closet, Danimal Crossing is by himself next to the gimmick wheel. He says that it is time for his shot at a new gimmick. He spins the wheel and when it stops, he mutters how it definitely is not the “GM’s Pick.” WHERE DID THE WHEEL LAND?

Mikey Mike & David Bonzai Saldana Montgomery vs Night81 & Biscuit
High stakes tag action here, as a victory by either team can really count for something big in the C-List division. Mikey Mike starts with Night, and the two lock up, shwoing chain wrestling ability above that of your average C-Lister. Thanks to shouted instructions from DBSM, Mikey slips free of a Twisting Face Crusher, but can’t counter a No Mercy Headscissors takedown quite in time. Night and Biscuit take over with surprising chemistry, cutting the ring into quarters with good old fashioned fluid double-teaming. Double Suplex! Double Hip Toss! Assisted Rolling Cutter! 1….2….NO! Mikey Mike has the pride of a champion. Mike tries fighting out, but Biscuit’s old-school antics combined with Night’s above average all-round skillset make it hard….until he slips out of a Blue Thunder Bomb from Night and makes the hot tag to DBSM! DBSM runs wild, but gets waffled with what appears to be brass knuckles around the fist of Biscuit! What a cheapshot! Biscuit uses eye gouging and fish-hooking, then tags in Night for more abuse. Flashbang Clothesline! Cactus Piledriver! 1….2….NO! DBSM kicks out, but hes still reeling. Night plants DBSM up top, hits a step-up knee to the back of the head to ensure success, then hits the Night Rider(Reverse Frankensteiner)! Night goes to cover……but Biscuit clobbers Night from behind with the knucks, saying that hes “outlived his usefulness”. Wha? Night is out cold, but DBSM manages to barely roll over and get tagged by Mike, who looks at a retreating Biscuit, shrugs, then hits the Jersey Burn(Swinging Sitout Side Slam) on Night! 1….2…..3! DBSM and Mikey take one, but through unconventional means. Something tells me Biscuit isn’t done with any of his three C-List rivals by a long shot.

Backstage, Cultstatus and Fuj are talking. The former enemies are now in the locker room, upset over what happened last night. They also learned that next week, they will be taking on Curtzerker.

GM Bayless is backstage with the Upper Midcard Express. The UMX are wearing football helmets,selling the side-effects or their concussions. GM Bayless alerts them that the doctor of the BoD, Miss Diagnosis, has cleared them to return to action. The UMX then tell the GM that it doesnt make sense for midcarders to face them, as they are the Upper Midcard. kbjone then uses his hands to explain how they are above the regular midcard. GM Bayless says that he understands that but tonight, they will face his hand-picked opponents with the titles on the line. The UMX look worried, still wearing their football helmets.

GM Bayless is now in the ring:

“Since this team got screwed over last night, they will get a chance at the title. I have been scouting all over the place for a quality team. And now, let me introduce to you: Two former Spam Bots that have been put through the ringer and have been the top two and only two trainees in BoD NXT. Here are Roth Munson………………and Trunk Barlow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


No one knows who the fuck these people are. And there are wearing generic singlets with the BoD logo on the front.

BoD Tag Team Title Match
Roth Munson & Trunk Barlow vs. Upper Midcard Express (Champions)


The champs are still wearing their helmets. The UMX then attack the ex-spam bots after faking them out with a helmet removal. kbjone elbows down Munson then sends him through the ropes. The UMX then pick up Barlow and hit him with a double slingshot suplex. Then Petuka picks him up and CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD, A BAZOOKA IS ABOUT TO BE LAUNCHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3……….2…………1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MUwmGYFWYs

petuka bazooka
Petuka Bazooka
PETUKA BAZOOKA!!!!

kbjone covers Barlow with his pinky finger for the win. The GM seems sarcastically upset over the overmatched unknowns losing this match………

Adam Curry is yelling and screaming for a shot at Ryan Murphy. GM Bayless lets him know that is impossible as he is part of Jobber’s crew and has the night off. Curry is pissed off. 

Nick Piers and Steve Ferrari vs Bill Ray/Garth Holmberg/ARRRRGH THE BARBARIAN/THE YETAAAAY/Paul Meekin/White Thunder
The rules to this unfair bullshit match are as follows: The 6 man team have to be eliminated one person at a time, while Piers and Ferrari can lose as a team if one of them gets pinned. THIS IS INJUSTICE! QUIT SCREWING THE MIDCARDERS! THEY CAN’T HELP THEIR POSTCOUNTS! Nick the Brick starts off with White Thunder, who does nothing of note before tagging out to ARRRRRGH THE BARBARIAN. Barbarian gets into a power duel with Nick the Brick, as the two hosses throw a variety of forearms, power shots, and potatoes at one another, desperately trying to break the equilibrium. Barbarian finally finds a crack in the wall with a right hand, and then lifts Piers up for an impressive Powerslam! 1….2….NO! Piers gets out of that one. Barbarian tags in THE YETAAAAY, who causes an embarassment to wrestling with shoddy power offense. Palm Strike! Swinging Forearm! Bearhug! Piers is fading, but manages to get out of the hold, only to eat a cheapshot clothesline from Barbarian! The hexagon work over a fatigued Piers in the corner. Meekin is tagged in, and shwoboats to the crowd before going for the Roger Ebert Special(Umaga Thumb Strike), but Piers barely feels it and absolutely decimates Meekin with the Bricklayer(Gorilla Press Spinebuster)! 1….2…..3! Meekin is eliminated! Holmberg heads in for the Bleach Solution(Springboard Ruff Ryder), but gets folded in half with a brutal Powerbomb before eating a Bricklayer himself! 1….2…..3! Holmberg is eliminated! Yetay comes in and drains Piers’ remaining stamina with a Bearhug, but Piers headbutts Yetay repeatedly and tags in Ferrari! Ferrari almost cleans house, but gets clipped in the knee by legal man Bill Ray! Meanwhile, Barbarian and White Thunder viciously double team Piers on the outside, throwing him into the steps and barricade before putting him through the announce table with a sky lift slam! Ray is left alone in the ring with Ferrari, and after a succession of underling heel tactics hits the Ray Gun(Modified Zig Zag) on Ferrari! 1….2…..3! THE MIDCARD MAFIA HAS BEEN SCREWED OVER ONCE MORE!

Hart Killer 09 vs. Cultstatus


Match is underway as Cult hammers on the Solid B+ Player Champion. Lockup and Cult wins that. Cult elbows him down then fires away. He whips Hart Killer to the corner but Hart comes back with a boot. Hart Killer hits a backbreaker then drops an elbow. Hart Killer tries for a piledriver but Cult counters that with a backdrop. Cult then clotheslines him down twice then sends him to the floor with a big boot. Cult goes outside but all of a sudden……………here comes Zanatude, Ryan Murphy, Stuart Chartock, Rockstar Gary, #1 Fan, Bill Ray, Average Joe Everyman, and Gosh Hopkins. They all go after Cultstatus with chairs!!!! They are wailing the piss out of the ex-champ as cameras backstage show a laid out Adam Curry, Nick Piers, and Steve Ferrari. Also hurt backstage is Dancin Devin and Lil’ James. Hart Killer 09 grabs the mic and says he helped create the biggest swerve job of all-time. What is going on here? Where is GM Bayless and why are part of the Adminisration here? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BoD RAW TO FIND OUT.