This has nothing to do with the WWE
Before the show, GM Bayless and Assistant GM Justice Gray are backstage. Gray alerts Bayless that there has been a mix up and the top timekeeper in the business, Mister E Mahn, is not here tonight as he is at the “American Timekeeper Awards” show. Bayless is pissed that he was not reminded of this and says they will settle for BoD NXT timekeeper Blake Littlehand instead. In the background, Nick Piers was seen running in and out of the GM’s office.
Best of 5 Series, Match #5
DBSM vs. Night 81
The finals of a Best of 5, tied 2-2! Who would’ve guessed? The answer: Everyone. Ref rings the bell, and the two go at it with intense chain wrestling, showing ability above that of your average C-Lister. Night tries escaping an arm wringer with a hook kick, but DBSM counters into a Clinching Sla-NO! Night counters into an Arubian Armbar, only for DBSM to float over and pin Night’s shoulders down! 1….2….NO! Night kicks out of a scary early predicament. DBSM goes for a Kamisori Suplex right awy, but Night counters into a No Mercy headscissors takedown, only for DBSM to land on his feet and try a superpowered arm dra-NO! Night counters into a Sleeper, but DBSM elbows out and we have a stalemate, as the crowd pretends to care about the lowercarders! The two rivals chain wrestle once more. Night gets the advantage, and looks for a Running Bulldog, only for DBSM to dealift him into a Backdrop Driver! 1….2….NO! Night kicks out. DBSM then takes advantage. Gordbuster! Rib and Back Breake-but Night shifts out of the backbreaker into a quick-fire DDT! 1….2….NO! Twisting Face Crusher! 1….2….NO! Flashbang Clothesline, but DBSM counters into an Underling Man Slam! 1….2….NO! The two wearily exchange strikes, until Night gains the upperhand and puts DBSM crotch-first on the tope rope with a Running Atomic Toss! Night then goes fro the Night Rider(Reverse Frankensteiner), only for DBSM to flip, land on his feet, and…..HE EATS A BLIND THRUST KICK FROM NIGHT! 1….2….NO! Everyone thought that was it! Night argues with the ref long enough to get DBSM some time to recover. Night whips DBSM into the ropes, tries a clothesline, only for DBSM to counter it into a Whirlwind Backslid-NO! Night again uses experience from a previous match to counter into a Jawbreaker, then runs off the ropes into a Sunset Flip! DBSM tries the same Bulldog Counter that brought him victory last week, but Night rolls out of that into an Achilles Lock! DBSM mulekicks Night to break, but Night takes that foot and transitions into a Chicago Crab! DBSM desperately grabs for the ropes, but Night wont budge, so DBSM elbows him several times in the kneecap! Night releases the hold as DBSM scrambles to his feet, but Night grabs DBSM quickly and tries a Blue Thunder Bo-the knee buckles! DBSM knees Night in the head, then hits a running knee to the face of a seated Night! Night’s in deep as DBSM signals for the end…..Full Monty(OwenDriver ’97)! 1….2…..3! DBSM wins the Best of 5 series displaying a truly unnecessary amount of countering!
As DBSM basks in victory, Biscuit appears on the ramp, and makes a motion of the championship belt around his waist! C-LIST FEUDS, BABEE!
10 Team Tag Team Battle Royal:
Curtzerker, Paul Meekin & White Thunder, THE RIPSHIT KILLERS, New Age British Bulldogs, The Drivers, Dancin’ Devin & Lil’ James, Bill Ray & Average Joe Everyman, Rockstar Gary & #1 Fan, Gosh Hopkins & Garth Holmberg, ?????
The rules arew simple: Once someone has been eliminated, there partner is gone as well. Everyone is in the ring awaiting the mystery team. And it appears someone is coming from the back of the crowd and it is……………..Nick Piers & Steve Ferrari of the Midcard Mafia!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They come into the ring and immediately eliminate Average Joe Everyman as the match is underway. The other members of The Administration come out to help but the MCM are too much for them to handle. Hopkins beats on Piers then charges at him but Piers backdrops him over the ropes and onto the floor, eliminating Gosh Hopkins. All sorts of action going on as the THE YETAAAAY is beating on Rockstar Gary in the corner. #1 Fan runs and jumps on the back of THE YETAAAY but gets thrown off and caught by ARRRRGH THE BARBARIAN and tossed over the ropes as #1 Fan has been eliminated. The New Age British Bulldogs are brawling with Curtzerker in the corner. Dancin’ Devin & Lil’ James are also brawling but this time with the Rybaxel of the BoD, Paul Meekin & White Thunder. Dean Andrews is near the ropes as Curtzerker tries to pull him over but all of a sudden come out WWF1987 and the true shooter of the BoD, Bobby, and they both eliminate Dean Andrews. I guess we have a new team in the BoD. Dan Selby comes out and there is a brawl taking place outside of the ring. THE RIPSHIT KILLLERS are now beating on the MCM. Lil’ James charges at theberzerker1 and clotheslines him against the ropes. He tries again but theberzerker uses his momentum to toss him over the ropes and eliminate Lil’ James and theberzerker keeps on yelling “HUSS, HUSS, HUSS” to the newest stereotype to join the BoD. Guess James and Devin will have to get funky backstage. The Drivers are beating on Meekzilla but that gets broke up by White Thunder, who tosses out Spicolli Driver. We are now down to the final four: Curtzerker, Meekin & Thunder, THE RIPSHIT KILLERS, and the Midcard Mafia. Thunder and Curtis Williams are having a chop battle in the corner as Steve Ferrari and Paul Meekin are fighting each other. Piers is fighting off theberzerker as THE RIPSHIT KILLERS are running around like lunatics! Ferrari tries to dump Meekin then gets help as THE RIPSHIT KILLERS run over and eliminate Paul Meekin. Curtzerker takes down Piers as THE RIPSHIT KILLERS have switched their focus to Ferrari. Curtzerker tries a double-team move but Piers reverses the Irish whip and sends Williams into theberzerker, stunning each guy. Piers then runs over and uses a somersault dropkick and that eliminates Curtis Williams as the final two teams are THE RIPSHIT KILLERS and the Midcard Mafia. The crowd is going nuts for the Midcard Mafia, who are going against two lunatics. ARRRRGH THE BARBARIAN rips off an antler and uses it to beat on Piers. THE RIPSHIT KILLERS toss Ferrari in the corner and now beat on him as Piers gets up but THE YETAAAAY boots him right back down. THE YETAAAAY goes back over to Ferarri, who fights back! He dropkicks ARRRRGH THE BARBARIAN and hammers away on THE YETAAAAY. Piers gets to his feet and helps Ferrari and a giant brawl follows. THE YETAAAAY runs tries a big boot near the ropes but Piers ducks and THE YETAAAAY gets caught. Ferrari is up top and clotheslines THE YETAAAAY as Piers pulls down on the ropes and THE YETAAAAY is eliminated as the Midcard Mafia have won the battle royal and are now the #1 Contender’s to the BoD Tag Team Championship!!!!! The crowd goes nuts as I expect the MCM to be humming a happy tune in the rented Toyota Yaris on the way to the Red Roof Inn!
Backstage, GM Bayless is furious that the MCM was allowed to compete in the battle royal, as he had that slot for another team!!!! Bayless was informed that the MCM were on the booking sheet as Bayless sees it then rips it up in anger.
BoD Writer’s Championship
Andy PG vs. Stranger in the Alps (Champion)
Both guys shake hands to start. The fight over a lockup and that lasts a minute, ending in a stalemate. They try it again then switched go-behinds then battle over an armbar, which leads to a mat-sequence that ends in another stalemate as the crowd applauds this scientific battle. Now, the boys work an Irish whip sequence and that ends with them trading armdrags as neither man can gain the advantage tonight. Stranger in the Alps has been a fighting BoD Writer’s Champion, also known as the “Paper Championship.” Andy whips Stranger into the corner but ends up eating boot on a charge and Stranger goes to work on the leg. Stranger grapevines the leg as Andy struggles to but eventually reaches the ropes. Stranger drops elbows onto the leg of Andy then drags him back to the middle of the ring and tries a figure four but Andy turns that into a small package for two. Stranger gets up and goes back to the leg but Andy puts him in another small package and that gets two. Andy hammers away and we now have a brawl in the ring. Stranger sends Andy to the corner but Andy rolls away from a charge and hits a dropkick. He gets another dropkick then whips him against the ropes and catches him with a sleeper. Stranger looks to be getting sleepy but is able to elbow himself out of the hold. Andy goes for a suplex but that gets blocked. Stranger tries a suplex but Andy blocks that and whips Stranger against the ropes, who ducks a clothesline, then they clothesline each other as both men are down. Our replacement timekeeper, Blake Littlehand, just now informs us that there was a twenty-minute time limit to this match and only 5 minutes are left. Stranger is up first and hits Andy with an elbow smash. Stranger then hits Andy with a suplex but that only gets two. Stranger hits a kneebreaker then goes for the Can Opener but Andy is able to scramble to the ropes as just 3 minutes remain. Stranger sets Andy up top and attempts for a super back suplex but Andy lands on his feet and somersaults backwards into the corner. Stranger is hurt as Andy measures him then connects with the STO. Andy covers but that only gets two. Andy climbs up top and hits a missile dropkick but that cannot put the man from the Alps away as he kicks out with 1 minute left. Andy picks up Stranger and tries for a Death Valley Driver but Stranger slips out and connects with a lungblower and goes for the Can Opener but Andy blocks that just as time expires as this match is ruled a draw. Both guys are exhausted. They look at each other then approach as they shake hands, drawing an applause from the crowd as these two competitors respect each other.
Backstage, Tommy Hall is telling GM Bayless that he would have gotten the job done tonight, unlike Andy, and deserves another shot at the title. He then asks Bayless for an advance in his pay as Bayless yells at him for buying a throwback of every single quarterback drafted in the first five rounds since 1990. Bayless then says he will give Hall another title shot, who looks very pleased about the decision.
Hog Pen Match
PrimeTime Ten vs. Beard Money
The rules of this match are that whoever winds up in the Hog Pen loses. PrimeTime Ten has been antagonizing his former partner for the past few months, even putting him out of action. He also has been harassing Granny, who is sitting at ringside with the purse that he ruined. Anyway, Beard Money comes out a firing as this match is underway. Granny is cheering as much as she can while using her walker as her favorite hillbilly is knocking PrimeTime senseless. Beard Money goes over and grabs one of the two slop buckets but PrimeTime quickly scatters when he sees Beard Money pick it up. Beard Money goes after PrimeTime and slams him down. Beard Money drops an elbow as Granny is cheering away. GIT DOWN GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!! Beard Money tries another elbow drop but PrimeTime rolled out of the way. PrimeTime stomps on Beard Money as he know has taken control of the match. PrimeTime grabs a Dixie cup and scoops up some slop and heads toward granny. OH NO. Granny is too old to move and PrimeTime grabs Granny’s purse and pours in some slop. PrimeTime now heads over to Beard Money but not before grabbing a horseshoe. He swings but misses and Beard Money pushes him away. PrimeTime comes back with a dropkick as both men are down. PrimeTime now hops in the stands and boots Granny’s walker from underneath her and that goes flying 11 rows back as Granny plops her old ass on the ground. WHAT A DISTURBED MAN THIS IS.!!!!!!!!! PrimeTime turns around and sees Beard Money look over at Granny on the ground. This angers Beard Money who starts to pump himself up and clap his hands as everyone in the arena is clapping. Beard Money does a cartwheel as the fans clap louder AND LOOK AT THIS, GRANNY IS GETTING UP TO HER FEET WITHOUT THE WALKER!!!!! BEARD MONEY IS PERFORMING A HILLBILLY MIRACLE!!!!!!!!! PrimeTime looks shocked as he has angered Beard Money. The hillbilly fires away at PrimeTime as the crowd goes wild. Granny is now up and SHE DOES A CARTWHEEL as the crowd goes nuts. Beard Money is completely powered up and now picks up PrimeTime for a bearhug, squeezing the bad behavior out of him I hope. Beard Money breaks the hold then tells Granny to come out. Granny is all powered up, running only on the power of Hillbilly magic and takes her purse and clobbers PrimeTime on the head!!!!! HA HA HA, GIT DOWN GRANDMA. Beard Money takes PrimeTime and tosses him into the Hog Pen and wins the match! But wait, there’s more. Beard Money grabs the slop buckets and gives one to Granny. The crowd counts to three as they both slop PrimeTime!!!! And now, Granny and Beard Money perform the do-si-do!!!!!!!! HA HA HA, YES SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#1 Contender’s Match for the BoD Heavyweight Championship
Jobber123 vs. The Fuj vs. Parallax1978
Lots of bad blood in this match, folks. Parallax and The Fuj start by wailing the shit out of each other. Jobber sits back and waits for these two to finish but that does not appear to be happening anytime soon. Jobber waits as they are both near the ropes then pushes them outside but ends up falling out himself. A three-way brawl breaks out at ringside as Parallax is already bleeding from the forehead. Jobber boots down the Fuj then tosses Parallax into the steps. Jobber rolls Fuj back in the ring and stomps away. He picks him up and slams him down. Jobber climbs up top but Parallax is on the apron and yanks him right off as Jobber falls outside. Parallax goes over to the Fuj and they start brawling, again. Parallax hits a running knee smash then uses boot scrapes in the corner. Parallax goes to the opposite corner and charges at full speed with a dropkick but Fuj avoids the move and Parallax slides outside, where Jobber meets him with a boot to the face. Jobber then takes Parallax, who is wearing a crimson mask, and flings him into the guardrail. Jobber yanks out the Fuj but misses a clothesline and the Fuj takes him down with a German suplex!!!!!! Ouch. Fuj goes over and knees Parallax down before rolling him inside. The Fuj hits Parallax with an uranage but that was not enough to put away Mr. Politics. Fuj sets up Parallax for a superplex but Jobber comes in and slides underneath Fuj as he powerbombs him while Parallax gets superplexed! Jobber tries to get himself together from the beating he took and the Oxycontin he snorted with the Jennifer Love Hewitt’s body double last night but is unable to pin Parallax. Jobber picks up Parallax for the Razor’s edge but Parallax escapes and goes for a crossbody that Jobber ducks but hits the Fuj and that gets two as Jobber yanks Parallax off of him. Jobber sends Parallax over the ropes then beats on the Fuj. Jobber gets sent to the ropes as Parallax pulls them down and Jobber crashes and burns to the outside. Parallax is on the apron and connects with a springboard clothesline on the Fuj. Parallax now rips off the turnbuckle padding and sends Fuj into the corner, busting him up as well. Parallax climbs up top and hits a double axe handle. He now looks to set up for the curb stomp but Jobber takes him down from behind. Jobber whiffs on a lariat and Parallax comes back with an enziguiri but turns around and gets decked with a discus forearm by The Fuj. The Fuj starts delivering knee strikes to Jobber, busting him open in the process as all three men are bloodied. The Fuj picks up Parallax and hits a running powerslam. He goes for the cover but Jobber makes the save. Jobber takes the Fuj and they have a reversal sequence that ends with Fuj colliding with the referee and knocking him through the ropes. Jobber sends the Fuj outside with a knee to the back and follows him out. They brawl then Parallax takes them both out with a pescado. All three men are on the floor as a masked man approaches with a crowbar! The referee is still down as the man takes the crowbar and whacks The Fuj in the head!!!!!!!! Holy Shit!!!! He now takes out a bottle and by the smell of it I believe it’s Tabasco Sauce and he rubs it in the eyes of Parallax!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!!!!!!!!!! The man takes the crowbar and drops it near Jobber, who looks as shocked as anyone here, before taking off. Jobber takes the crowbar and whacks Parallax in the back of the head. Jobber rolls Parallax inside just as the referee gets to his feet and pins Parallax. Out from underneath the ring comes two other mystery guys who hold down the legs of Parallax while out of sight of the referee and the ref counts to three as Jobber123 is your NEW #1 Contender to the BoD Heavyweight Championship!!!!!!!!! There is a lot of explaining to do after this outcome. Jobber still looks shocked but still happy to be the new #1 contender.
After the match, we get a camera panning shot of the Tim Horton’s inside the arena, where the Tim Horton’s Throwdown will take place! Hundreds of hung-over wrestling fans are in line for that double-double that is scientifically proven to do nothing for said hangover!
Tim Horton’s Throwdown
Aric Johnson vs. Mar Solo
The rules are simple: Solo and Johnson are both behind the counter, and must serve the customers. Hart Killer will judge them based on politeness, quality of service, and professionalism, among other things. The throwdown begins! Johnson serves his customers quickly, brewing beverages at a rapid rate and with great competence. Meanwhile, Solo is surrounded by coffee that his supervisor threatens to suspend him for if he drinks it! IS TIM HORTON’S INSIDE MAR SOLO’S HEAD? Solo also has bad luck, as his customers are jerks! Granny with no hearing aid that talks incessantly about cats instead of her cheese croissant! College stoner who laughs every other word! Drunk native who wants orange juice for his vodka but does too much slurring to convey that! Solo desperately goes for the iced coffee machine when the supervisor has his back turned, but as he pours it in, Johnson quickly gouges the crappy plastic cup with a paring knife! Just as a customer steps up to order something hyped in a TV commercial by Tim Horton’s, (A first in the company’s history) Solo completely loses it and unplugs the iced coffee machine, throwing it at Aric Johnson! The supervisor threatens a decrease in health benefits and a refresher’s course from the online training manual, but Solo lays him out with a plastic gloved left cross to the jaw! The customers complain about the service as Solo approaches Johnson for a beatdow-ICED CAP MIST! Solo is blind! Johnson then goes on a rampage of his own! Lettuce Leaf Bitchslap! Tomato Toss! Hot Soup Facewash! 7UP Bottle to the nose! Aric then drags Solo to the front…..AND THROWS HIM THROUGH THE PLASTIC FAKE GLASS DISPLAY CASE, RIGHT INTO THE BLUEBERRY MUFFINS AND THE BAGELS NO ONE EVER TRIES! “You want cream and sugar with that, BITCH?” screams Aric, as he proceeds to get non-dairy creamer, pouring it all over Solo’s prone corpse, and then tosses Splenda packets on Solo! Hart Killer rates everything a 4 out of 10, exclaiming hes seen a thousand better things occur within the confines of a coffee shop, then sips his mineral-packed bottled water, spitting it out all over the glass facade before leaving for his title defense! WILL THIS FEUD CONTINUE? TUNE INTO BOD RAW TO FIND OUT!
BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Match
Adam Curry vs. Hart Killer 09 (Champion)
Hart Killer’s B+ title reign has been under the radar, but surely a high profile defense over a former tag champ and ROH reviewer will raise his profile. The two collide in a good clash of styles, as Hart Killer’s technical approach goes up against Curry’s stimulant-fueled antics. Hart Killer lectures Curry on proper alcohol consumption, but Curry simply punches him in the face! Drunken Monkey Boxing! Swingset Slam! Flying Forearm! 1….2….NO! Hart Killer kicks out and takes a powder, but Curry has taken several, and follows him out with a Tope con Hilo Pescado Muy Grande Magnific! Oh, that wacky Lucha stuff. Curry takes control with further stimulant-fueled antics, and hits a big Rube Goldberg Arm Drag, followed by a Hurricane Belly to Belly Suplex! 1….2….NO! Curry goes for the Dirt Nap(Scoop Brainbuster) to finish, but Hart gets out of it with a thumb to the eye then takes over with a chinlock, lecturing the ref on proper technique in spotting heels cheat. Curry tires to power out, but Hart Killer counters with a greco-roman throw and goes right into the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Russian Legsweep! Backbreaker! Running Bulldog! Manhattan Drop! Second rope elbowdrop! 1….2….NO! Curry summons midcard power to kick out. Piledriver! 1….2….NO! Curry summons above midcard power to kick out! Hart Killer gets frustrated and goes to an amateur-influenced Triangle Box Circle X R1 Choke, but Curry manages to call upon stimulants to power out and take to the offense! Windmill Crossbody! 1….2….NO! Curry then takes a page out of his partner’s book, and goes for a Twisting Flipping Spinning Turning Flying Rotating Axe Kick, that lands stiffly on the back of Hart Killer’s head! 1….2….NO! Curry then tries another Warne manuever with the Storm Warneing(Pepsi Plunge), but Hart Killer backdrops out, and then comes off the top with a big kneedrop! 1….2….NO! Hart Killer goes for a big vertical suplex, but Curry shifts his weight and counters into a huge Backstabber! Curry senses the title within reach….but suddenly Ryan Murphy jumps the barricade! The hell? Murphy paintbrushes Curry and hits a big Turning Backdrop Driver, before heading up top and hitting a ****1/2 Frog Splash on Curry for the DQ. What provoked this? Hart Killer gets on the mic and declares this the greatest loss via disqualification of all-time
The ring is now cleared as the ring rats proceed to set up the backdrop for the Riverdale Chocklit Shoppe Deathmatch. The set designer places a special surprise underneath the counter, which will surely play a role with the match. Three young toughs in Riverdale High jackets assess the building process from the front row, while Brian Bayless, clad in a Eric Zeier throwback that he received as collateral for Tommy’s advacne, nods his head in approval at the scene he is witnessing. THE MATCH…..IS NEXT!
Riverdale Choklit Shoppe Deathmatch
Archie Stackhouse vs. CoolTrainerBret
Even though this is a Deathmatch, we’re not doing this 10 count after a pinfall nonsense. This should be like a horror show. Oh wait, both guys can work. Bret starts out with his traditional opening pattern of vicious Muay Thai strikes, targeting ribs and legs for maximum stopping power, but Archie sees right through it! Archie catches a kick and throws him right into one of those funny three legged rotating seat stools. Archie picks up the stool for the early deathblow, but Bret headbutts Archie in the stomach, and then the nose, staggering him. Bret retreats behind the counter and tosses two heavy parfait glasses at Archie! Archie barely blocks, but this enables a distraction so Bret can leap off the counter with a Flying Back Elbow that takes out Archie! Bret then goes to work with his signature high intensity throws! Exploder ’93! Belly to Belly Suplex! Double B Spinebuster on the counter! 1….2….NO! That move would probably kill in real life, but a) Stackhouse, and b) Not a finish. Bret then reaches behind the counter with No Mercy precision and finds…..Steve’s Can? Ok then. Bret spams blows repeatedly, trying to trigger blood or the LOSING IT! TKO animation, but Archie uses cheap AI to grab the can right out of his hands, then lays into him with two big power shots, rated A! 1….2….NO! Bret ain’t jobbing to that shit. Archie then resumes the offensive with a couple more can shots, followed by the Switchblade Kiss(Running Enzuigiri)! Riverdale Welcome(Flying Knee Strike) off the counter! Archie opens the till, loads a sock full of e-book nickels, and then smashes Bret over the head with it, exploding the sock! 1….2….NO! Surely a 3 count in any arena, but Bret guts one out. Archie goes for the Burning Hammer, but Bret struggles, struggles again, then slips out from behind and hits a big Vertical Reverse DDT! 1….2….NO! Archie kicks out. Bret grabs a salt and pepper shaker combo and empties both into Archie’s eyes, before putting Archie’s head into the prop dishwasher and shutting the door on it repeatedly! 1….2….NO! Bret grabs forks from the washer and uses repeated DUAL WIELDING FORK ATTACKS~!, before he finds the Elephant Ivory plate worth $3000 on Antiques Roadshow deep in the washer and hits Archie hard with it, but it doesn’t break! Oh man, that sucks worse than when the cheap glass doesn’t bust. Bret then arranges the plate shards and hits a big Black Tiger Bomb onto them! 1….2….NO! Somehow Archie kicks out, and he appears to be laughing! Or no-selling, depending on how you look at it. Archie gets up and starts jabbing himself with the plate shard, begging Bret for more, and Bret obliges with hard right hands, but Archie slips one, grabs Bret from behind and looks for the Neck Crank! Bret tries the Bret Hart Sleeper Counter, but Archie Neck Cranks before the reversal happens! BRUTAL! Archie slowly covers…. 1….2….NO! Bret kicked out! Archie is stunned for maybe a split second, then starts laughing once more and proceeds to paintbrush Bret all around the Shoppe. Bret desperately stuns Archie with the ivory plate, and before Archie can stop seeing birdies Bret finally hits the BURNING LARIAT! ARCHIE STACKHOUSE HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED! Bret covers….but no ref? The Riverdale High students in the front row dragged the ref off and have beaten him up, taking his shirt in the process! Bret goes outside and DUAL WIELD FORK ATTACKS two of them, but the third runs away, buying Stackhouse time to recover! Just as Bret catches the fake ref in the Shoppe, Archie leaps from behind and takes Bret out with a flying crowbar shot! Archie’s death head grin is in full prominence as he goes overboard with the offense! Crowbar Shot x10! Burning Hammer on the counter! NECK CRANK! Crowbar Shot x5! CRITICAL NECK CRANK! HOLY FUCK! 1….2…..3! ARCHIE PINS BRET!
The crowd is in stunned disbelief at what they’ve just witnessed, as Archie Stackhouse and his 3 converted followers through his RPs celebrate in the ring. Two pick up an unconscious Bret, while Archie rips the mask off to reveal some ginger-looking motherfucker! Stackhouse places the mask carefully on the counter….AND THEN SHATTERS IT AFTER 4 CROWBAR SWINGS! Stackhouse then takes a necklace from behind the counter, affixes a piece to it, and then gets it placed around his neck like a gold medal! Brian Bayless is seen clapping in his locker room, while the camera ominously pans on a red hoodie. Stackhouse then leaves the ring, allowing the EMTs to do their job as he sarcastically claps in the background. THE GAME HAS JUST CHANGED PEOPLE.
Magoonie vs. GM Bayless
GM Bayless says he has a plan in place but no one knows what he means by that as he agreed to only bring out Gosh Hopkins, the pet rock keeper, and Bill Ray. The other members of the MCM are with their guy Magoonie, who the GM agreed to give his name back to him instead of Teddy Belmont. Bayless ducks out of the ring as Magoonie approached as the crowd now boos the GM. Bayless goes back inside the ring but uses the ref as a Shield so he can cheap shot Magoonie. Bayless grabs a side headlock but Magoonie whips him against the ropes and they work an Irish whip sequence that ends with Magoonie catching the GM with an arm drag. Bayless charges and gets taken down again with an arm drag. Bayless hits the ropes out of anger as the crowd is enjoying what they are seeing so far. Magoonie begs Bayless to come after him and ends up taking him down with a drop toehold. Magoonie takes Bayless outside and sends him into the table. Magoonie charges but Bayless ducks and Magoonie crashes and burns. Bayless takes a breather before slapping around Magoonie. He rolls him into the ring and uses the five moves of Garea as the crowd is bored to tears. Bayless adds two more unnecessary jumping side headlock takeovers. Bayless covers with one foot but that barely gets a two count. Bayless laughs as he kicks Magoonie on the mat. He heads up top and takes his time to taunt the MCM but took way too long and gets caught with a punch in midair. Magoonie powers up and knocks Bayless down with a clothesline. He takes him down with another one then sends him back down with a flying forearm. Magoonie places Bayless up top and hits the superplex. The Administration is flipping out but Bayless just kicks out at two. Magoonie now goes for the Magooniplex but Bill Ray jumps up on the apron to distract Magoonie. Piers now runs up on the opposite side of the apron and spears Ray off as they both crash to the floor. Gosh Hopkins now goes after Ferrari as they brawl, with the pet rock left unattended. Magoonie grabs the GM as the ref is trying to maintain order outside. Bayless hits Magoonie with a low blow but all of a sudden, Nebb28 runs through the stands and GRABS HIS PET ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gosh Hopkins is in disbelief as he fucked up the only job he had as Nebb now runs and grabs the GM’s leg. The GM looks scared as he is finally going to get his comeuppance. Nebb motions like he is going to throw it rock and launches it……………..right at Magoonie’s face?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!! Nebb looks disappointed in himself as the GM nails Magoonie with the super kick and covers 1, 2, 3. The GM is smiling and approaches Nebb28 as this appears to have been a set up of sorts. Ferarri and Piers grill Nebb, who hangs his head in shame and then yells that he is sorry. The GM then lets us know that you cannot keep a boy away from his pet rock, no matter what the cost. It appears that Nebb28 has been bought off by the GM. THAT EVIL MOHTERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buck Nasty w/ The Skank Patrol vs. Todd “Hoss” Lorenz
Lorenz enters, stealing food from the audience and discarding everything he hates while yelling that Old Dutch is better than Lay’s. Buck Nasty enters with his harem from Chang O’Reilly’s, along with…..ABEYANCE AND THEBRAZILIANKID! Hoss disapproves! The match starts, with Buck’s lighthearted antics getting countered by some Hoss-like whuppin from Lorenz, who starts with hamfist punches and generic suplexes to get his advantage. BAH GAWD, HE IS A HAWS. Clubbering Forearms! Running Big Boot! NES Boss Man Belly Attack! 1….2….NO! Buck Nasty guts one out, but hes in trouble, as Lorenz’s strategy of burning through calories early in the match is paying dividends! Lorenz stops to yell at the ladies outside for prefering iceberg lettuce over Epic Meal Time Poultry Salad, but this enables Buck to get in a couple basement dropkicks, trying to get the Hoss down to his level. Unfortunately, Hoss is simply overpowering and resumes the attack! Shit Kick! Back Elbow! Corner Avalanche! 1….2….NO! Buck keeps staying alive! Lorenz cinches in a Full Rib Rack(Torture Rack), but Buck somehow worms his head free and escapes to the outside for consoling before heading back in the ring to beat the count! Lorenz, summoning the power of a bag of BBQ Old Dutch chips(the good spicy kind, before they switched to that shitty sweet tang stuff), hits a couple vicious curb stomps, then heads up to the top rope and connects with the FAT GUY OUTTA CONTROL splash! Lorenz then goes for the sure finish with the Hoss Sauce Toss(Spinning Crucifix Powerbomb), but stops when seeing Abeyance threatening to eat a two bite brownie in one bite! Lorenz chases Abeyance around ringside, knocking over girls, brazilians, more girls, brazilians, even more girls, and Danimal Crossing for some reason, before eventually the chase heads into the ring, where a recovered Buck clips Lorenz in the knee to save Abeyance’s brownies! Shining Wizard! Second Shining Wizard! Lorenz isn’t down on his back just yet, so Buck puts all his strength into a Running Potato Dropkick! Lorenz is splayed out on the canvas! Buck heads to the top rope and signals for the finish……Pussy Popper(Sky High Elbow Drop) connects! 1….2…..3! Buck Nasty takes one!
Backstage, GM Bayless orders White Coat Security to remove Blake Littlehand as we cannot have any fuckups with timekeeping in the main event and says that no one else can do anything, he will do it his damn self.
BoD Heavyweight Championship Match
Jef Vinson vs. Cultstatus (Champion)
The moment we have all been waiting for. They stare each other down to start. Cult motions how he is the champ while Vinson tells him not for long. They lockup and that ends with Cult shoving Vinson down, then flexing to the crowd. They lockup again and Vinson shoves him then poses to the crowd. They go back and forth as Vinson knocks down the champ. Vinson then clotheslines Cult to the floor. Vinson tries a pescado but Cult avoids it as Vinson crashes to the ground. Cult boots Vinson in the ribs then sends him into the post. Cult rolls Vinson inside then climbs up top and hits a clothesline but that only gets two. Cult hits a slingshot suplex and that only gets two as well. Cult sends Vinson into the corner and follows with a big boot. Cult goes up top again but misses a fist drop. Vinson gets up and goes on the attack. He starts pummeling on the champ in the corner then takes him over with a monkeyflip. Vinson gets up and goes back up top and flies off, hitting Cult with a tornado DDT. He covers and that almost gets the win!!!! Cult barely kicked out of that one. Vinson measures Cult then charges at him but Cult comes back with a big boot that knocks him down. Cult hits a snap spinebuster then puts on the Camel Clutch as he looks to soften up the back and neck so he can use his Jackknife powerbomb. Vinson is in pain as Cult hits him with a backbreaker and covers but that just gets two. Vinson has had a long and painful road since winning the BoD Money on the Table Briefcase. This might be his only chance to capture the gold. Cult uses an STF as Vinson is desperately trying to reach the ropes. He just makes it in the nick of time. Cult gets frustrated and now picks up Vinson, who floats over and comes back with an enziguiri. Vinson gets up again and hits another kick then goes for a sunset flip and struggles to take down Cult but does as that barely gets two. Cult comes back and takes Vinson’s head off with a lariat. Cult now picks up Vinson and goes for the Jackknife but Vinson is able to escape that. Cult charges at Vinson but gets pushed into the corner and on the rebound Vinson catches him on his shoulders and hits the TKO!!!!!!!!!!!! Vinson covers and one…….two……….THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE A NEW BoD Heavyweight Champion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vinson is staggering around as our GM and timekeeper for this match walks in and gives Vinson the belt. Vinson holds it up high for all to see and celebrates on the top rope but when he gets down, GM Bayless meets him with a super kick!!!!! AGAIN, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TONIGHT IN THE BoD!!!!!! Bayless grabs the mic and tells Vinson that is first defense is against the #1 contender, Jobber123 and that match is happening………………..NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BoD Heavyweight Championship Match
Jobber123 vs. Jef Vinson (Champion)
Jobber runs out to the ring as Bayless is stomping on Vinson. He then goes out and rings the bell as Jobber knees Vinson in the face repeatedly. He then picks him up for the Razor’s Edge and covers as the referee counts to three AND WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION, JOBBER123!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GM Bayless comes into the ring smiling and raises Jobber’s hand as something smells in the BoD and it ain’t funky!!!!!!! WE ARE OUT OF TIME AND TUNE IN TOMORROW AT 10:30 EST FOR BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!