Quantcast

Matt’s Main Event Recap – 8/12/2014

We’re on the home stretch heading into SummerSlam.

I have a question for everyone: is anybody real excited by the card? 
I
mean, obviously, we’re gonna have an entertaining match with Lesnar and
Cena, no matter the outcome. Ambrose and Rollins will probably be fun,
despite the puzzling Lumberjack stipulation. Ziggler and Miz will be a
nice mid-card match. 
I guess.
Other
than that, I’m having some issues getting really excited over these
matches. AJ and Paige have little to no chemistry and are so painfully
incompatible. Brie and Steph too a horrible left turn into random
incoherence.
Wyatt and Jericho
has been an absolute bore with a bunch of goofy speeches about evil
spiders and saviors and darkness and constant 3-on-1 mudhole stomps
because Jericho is too dumb to escape out of the side of the ring with
no Wyatts covering it.
Reigns and
Orton looks so boring, despite how over Reigns appears to be. The whole
Rusev and Swagger bit has overstayed its welcome and is really weirdly
bipolar in that Colter keeps regressing into bigot territory. That, and
it’s BORIS and Natasha, not “Bullwinkle and Natasha”. You’d think we’d
finally gotten that joke correct but, no. JBL said it again last night
on RAW.
We’ll see where this goes.
Let’s begin…
We are LIVE(!) from Seattle, Washington!
Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips are covering the mics when they’re not reduced to backstage interviewers on the bigger shows!

The Usos hit the ring to drop the titles
declare and “Open Challenge” for the Tag Belts. They start
name-dropping famous Tag Champs like The Hart Foundation, Legion of
Doom, and The New Age Outlaws.

They even plug the WWE Network before claiming that we’re ready for the first challenge…

…and it’s RybAxel in their dumb red hats.

Axel
and Ryback mock the Usos for having an “open challenge”. Axel says they
accept. Ryback: “U-so crazy, Ax-man.” Thankfully, nobody chants that.

RVD
hits the ring for some reason and says he wants to challenge for the
titles. Ryback calls him a moron because this is a “tag team champion”.
RVD says he knew he forgot something…so he brings out Sheamus,
somebody who nobody cares about and who is already champ. (DANIELLE: Really?!)

RybAxel and SheaVD get into a shoving match.

Out
comes Korporate Kane who announces it’s gonna be a Triple Threat Match
for the WWE Tag Team Championship…then leaves. Oh, ok. Didn’t WWE
Network go global today? And this weak-ass shit is the best they could
come up with?

Brock Lesnar: Piss, Shit and Vomit.
COMING TO DVD AND BLUR–oh. No. It’s the same 8-minute Video Wonderbra
we’ve seen before. Every single time I hear Lesnar’s voice, it sounds
like John, the guy at OSH who shows you where the portable gas
containers are.

Slam City preview. Daniel Bryan gets a pie in the face while saying “YES”. So funny.

Seth Rollins is out for a match while we get clips of Ambrose Shockmastering out of a giant Hulk Hogan gift box.

MATCH #1: Seth Rollins vs. Kofi Kingston
Kofi’s
out to the ring. No Woods. No Big E. So, I guess we’re forgetting that
angle ever existed. Rollins with the immediate advantage, beating Kofi
to the mat and tossing him across the ring by his hair. Rollins
continues his onslaught, taunting Rollins as the requisite “YOU SOLD
OUT” chant begins. Kofi finally comes back with dropkicks and
clotheslines. Rollins tries a Side Suplex but Kofi counters and dumps
Rollins from the ring, hitting a flipping Suicide Dive. Rollins comes
back, tossing Kofi into the crowd barrier as we go to break.

NEXT WRESTLEMANIA REWIND: The Rock vs. Austin

We’re back.

TODD: This is a physical match!
DANIELLE: Why do they always say that? Of course it’s “physical”. They’re fighting, not using telekinesis.

Rollins
hits a Stinger Splash on Kofi in the corner, then applies body
scissors. Kofi retaliates by hitting a nice pin combo but Rollins
manages to back him into the turnbuckle. Rollins tries a corner attack
but misses. Kofi hits a lariat off the ropes and a back drop and Moon
Drop. Kofi goes for Trouble in Paradise but misses. Rollins puts Kofi in
the corner but Kofi counters with a Cross Body for two. Kofi attacks
Rollins in the corner but Rollins trips him and Kofi goes head-first
into the buckle. Two count.

Rollins picks Kofi up and
tries the Powerbomb into the buckles but Kofi manages to counter and hit
a roll-up, then an SOS for two. Rollins goes outside. Kofi chases but
Rollins drops his neck on the ropes. Rollins tries to climb the buckles.
Kofi trips him and goes for a Superplex. Rollins counters with a
Sunset-Flip-into-Powerbomb and hits it. Curb Stomp. Done at 9:17.
WINNER: Seth Rollins
RATING: **1/2. Not too bad.

Renee
Young has Guests At This Time, Sheamus and RVD. RVD says that it’s been
a while since he’s had gold so tonight seems perfect. RVD says that
Sheamus approached HIM. Sheamus admits it. RVD is laidback. RVD declares
that he’s hungry for Shepherd’s Pie. Sheamus ays they’ll celebrate with
that.

And now, it’s time for AS WWE TURNS: Daniel
Bryan’s SummerSLAMPIECE! Starring Stephanie McMahon, Brie Bella and Some
Arbitrary Chick All of the Sudden.

NEXT: The Triple Threat Tag Champ Match

THIS FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN: MixTV has Roman Reigns.

MATCH
#2: The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) (champions) vs. RybAxel (Ryback &
Curtis Axel) (challengers) vs. WWE United States Champion Sheamus &
Rob Van Dam (challengers) for the WWE Tag Team Championship

Jimmy
and Ryback start. After some initial grappling, Jimmy starts hitting
uppercuts. Ryback comes back with a shoulderblock. Jimmy hits a quick
dropkick and a one-count. Tag to Jey and he hits a nice tackle in the
corner on Ryback. Ryback tags Sheamus in. Sheamus punches Ryback and
beats on Jey. Ryback tags himself in against Sheamus. Sheamus beats him
up and hits a Rolling Senton and RVD gets a tag, hitting Rolling
Thunder. Two count. RVD goes up to the top buckle but Ryback rolls out
of the ring. Axel consoles Ryback. RVD hits a flying tackle on them,
hitting them both. We go to break.

Ad for Paul Heyman’s new DVD.

Ad for Cena and Lesnar at SummerSlam.

Thankfully,
there’s only nine more minutes left in this match and the show. Sheamus
and Ryback are in and Sheamus hits Ten Beats. Battering Ram and Sheamus
takes out Axel but flies right into Ryback’s arms. Powerbomb by Ryback
and a two-count. Ryback draps Sheamus on the ropes and hits a double
Axehandle off the buckle for two. Tag to Axel and he beats on Sheamus as
the Uso just grin, watching the two teams kick each other’s asses.
Ryback is in and he hits a Warrior Splash. One count. Headlock by
Ryback. Sheamus escapes but Ryback hits a Spinebuster for two.

Ryback
with another headlock as we get the first GOLDBERG chant since 2012.
Sheamus breaks free and hits White Noise. Tags to RVD and Axel. RVD hits
a Thrust Kick and a Standing Moonsault for two. RVD tries a Moonsault
but Jimmy tags in and he hits a Cross Body for two. Jimmy goes for a
kick. Axel catches it but Jimmy counters, kicking Axel in the head.
Corkscrew Body Splash for two. Ryback gets in. Jimmy kicks him. Sheamus
takes Ryback out of the ring. Jey dives at both Sheamus and Ryback. Axel
rolls up Jimmy in the ring for two. Jimmy hits the Samoan Drop. Two.

Jimmy
goes up to the top buckle. RVD tags himself in and gets a Thrust Kick
after Axel tosses Jimmy off. Ryback gets in. Sheamus goes for the
Brogue. Bodies fly everywhere. RVD goes to the top rope but Jimmy
returns the earlier favor and tags himself in. Axel gets hit with a Five
Star Frog Splash but can’t get the pin. Jimmy leaps and hits the
Superfly Splash for the win at 11:57.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: The Usos
RATING: **1/2. This was decent.

Post-match, Sheamus and RVD get in the ring and congratulate the Usos as we go off the air.

OVERALL: **. Quick show. Decent matches. File this under, “No-nonsense/better than the RAW & Smackdown”)

Er, that’s it. 

I’ll
be back next week, same time, same website. Thursday’s double-feature
day with the great Scott Keith’s NXT report and Danielle’s Total Divas
recap/rant. Tommy will cover Smackdown to take you into your weekend and
Andy PG will be back to start your week off right with the PG Era Raw
Rant on Monday.

Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.