BoD RAW

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This has nothing to do with the WWE

Before the show started, we are shown emergency crews tending to Kyle Warne and Cabspaintedyellow. They have been laid out and bloodied. The crew asks around if anyone saw what happened and someone said that they saw a masked man around the arena tonight but that was it. Cabs is now ruled out of the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship #1 Contender’s Match. Adam Curry arrives and sees his partner on the stretcher as GM Bayless tells Curry that he needs a replacement in the #1 Contender’s match for the Solid B+ Player Championship and says that he will take Cabs place to face Joe Dust.

Corporate Custodian Garth Holmberg comes out and mops the floors. Out next are Bill Ray, Average Joe Everyman, Rockstar Gary & his Number #1 fan. And holding the former pet rock of Nebb28 is Gosh Hopkins. Next, is assistant GM and President of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray along with GM Bayless, who is irate. He grabs the mic:

Last week at BoD RAW is Vegas, the show was a success. However, when I got home, I found out that someone had spent almost $10,000 with my credit card (Crowd Chants GM Mastercard at Bayless, who gets pissed). YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! WELL GUESS WHAT? I AM NOT PLAYING NICE ANYMORE!!!!! I AM GOING TO RUN THIS PLACE THE WAY IT SHOULD BE !!!!!!! And now, Midcard Mafia, get your underpaid asses out here now!!!!!! (Time passes and still no sign of the MCM) I SAID, GET OUT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Still no sign of the MCM) I AM WAITING AND I DO NOT STAND FOR TARDINESS!!!! (The slighltly inexpensive BoD-Tron 100 goes on as we see the MCM. Piers has on a gold chain with a “$” symbol as Steve Ferrari is wearing an authentic Scott Brosius jersey. Magoonie Teddy Belmont speaks:


Belmont: You know Bayless, at BoD SummerFest, you and your squad of dipshits can do whatever you want. Because we have a fellow midcard talent who has our back. That is right, Nebb28 will be in our corner as I face you and he will get revenge and finally take back his pet rock. (Camera pans away as we see that Magoonie is operating a crane) You know what I think that is your car below me (the wrecking ball lowers as we see Bayless’ veins stick out of his neck) Wow, nice car GM. Good but certainly not elite my friend. (He yells over at Piers, who attempts to break dance on some cardboard he wrestled away from a homeless guy) Drop me a beat P (Piers tries to beatbox as Ferrari tries to mimic Ichiro’s batting stance in the background. Magoonie Belmont drops the ball and it smashes through the GM’s car. (Cut to the ring as Bayless is irate, with Holmberg offering what is inside his flask but Bayless declines) Bayless then yells at the screen as the segment ends. 

Best of 5 Series, Match #4

David Bonzai Saldana Montgomery vs Night81
This is Match 4 in a Best of 5 to determine the #1 contender to Mikey Mike’s C-List title. Night leads 2-1, so DBSM must win here to force a decisive match at Summerslam. The finish was already kinda given away because wrestling but hey, this is the hottest opening act we’ve got and we’re milking it for every last bit of commentrate, babee! The traditional early chain sequence, hampered by a lack of overness, ends with DBSM landing on his feet after a Headscissors Takedown and sending Night out with a super-powered arm drag! Winning the first minute of the match gives DBSM super strength! DBSM takes advantage of a chain wrestling win by going on the offensive! Kamisori Suplex! Gordbuster! 1….2….NO! Bridging Germa-but Night flips out and lands on his feet! Schoolboy Rollup! 1….2….NO! Night almost ended it. Night then goes on a quick offensive. Running Bulldog! Twisting Face Crush-no, DBSM sidesteps, forcing Night to crash and burn on the outside, before following him out with a Tope con Pescado Hilo Raja Copacabana! I think I got that right, but with lucha, who knows. DBSM brings Night in to break up the count because no one cares about countout victories or losses anymore. DBSM places Night up top for a superplex, but Night forearms out, then goes for a middle rope Sunset Flip! 1….2….NO! Night then tries the Blackout(STO into Head and Arm Choke), that beat DBSM last week, but DBSM counters into his own STO! 1….2….NO! DBSM tries Night’s Blue Thunder Bomb next, but Night slips out and tries another desperation Sunset Flip, but DBSM uses the Bulldog Counter! 1….2…..3! DBSM ties it at 2 apiece!
Mikey Mike and Biscuit continue their watching of the matches in the backstage area. C-LIST STORYLINES~!

And now, highlights from the BoD Ice Cream Social:

Mr. Satan is taking to Wiffle Bat and Bruce Chung, asking them would they rather fuck Megan Fox with a 9 inch dick or Steve Austin with a vagina. Vince Jordan tries to explain to Matt Indeed how the crowd not cheering for a heel means the heel is getting respect heat. Zanatude’s bowl is empty as he did not show up. WCW1987 is trying to convince everyone that TNA is fine but is met with nothing but laughter. “Happening” Harry Broadhurst is telling several C-Listers some facts about himself and pop-culture. “Pistol” Pete Labozetta shows off his shooting skills by firing away at different targets. Oh my!!! THE PARTY HAS STARTED AS DEVIN HARRIS AND LIL’ JAMES ARE TEACHNIG EVERYONE HOW TO GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone is dancing and have a good time except for Vince Jordan, who berates everyone for dancing and having fun when they should be miserable. Uh oh, Hoss is coming and he is angry. He knocks Vince into next week with a chop then heads over and kicks down the sound system. He then orders his concession stand team to take away the ice cream and toppings that he likes That happens then Hoss tosses the speakers on the table as it breaks and toppings fly everywhere. He leaves then from a tree, propels Laughing Sting, who hovers over Jordan and yells OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the top 5 lounge, Parallax is angry. Jobber123 comes over and wants to discuss strategy in the 3-way match at BoD SummerFest but sees that Parallax wants no part of that. Jobber then says that he should take the edge of and slides him a marijuana jolly rancher. Parallax immediately swats it off of the table as Jobber walks away and is even more pissed than before.

“Happening” Harry Broadhurst vs. “Pistol” Pete Labozetta


Before the match, we learn of some Harry facts:

1. Harry stopped wearing Z Cavaricci’s in 1990 because he knew they would be out of style in 1991.
2. Harry never does the Conga Line at a family wedding. He goes outside and fires up a joint with his Uncle Larry.

Folks, we just learned a lot tonight. These two are about to have a match but Parallax is heading down to the ring. Harry grabs the mic and gives us Harry Fact #3, which means he runs away from the curb stomp, as Harry bolts through the stands. Parallax takes down Pistol Pete and just beats the ever-living shit out of the guy. He blows snots on his hat then mockingly does a two-step before delivering a curb stomp. Parallax then puts Pete’s hat back on his head before delivering another curb stomp. Parallax now takes Pete outside and wails on him with a chair. White Coat Security runs down to intervene but Parallax takes them out with chairs. Parallax throws the chair in the stands and leaves through the crowd, brushing off anyone who aproaches him.

As Jobber leaves the GM’s office, the Tag Team Champions, The Upper Midcard Express, are seen entering and wearing football helmets. They tell the GM that they cannot defend the titles as they have yet to pass their concussion tests. The GM tells him that they are not cleared but that he needs to determine a number one contender then says how they have 30 days to defend the title and that will expire next week on RAW. Paul Meekin & White Thunder approach and vouch how they should be next in line. Curtzerker enters as theberzerker screams “HUSS” the entire time. The New Age British Bulldogs approach and say that they deserve a shot. The Drivers, Juvy and Spicolli, who oddly enough took the bus to get here, enter and say that they deserve a shot at the gold. Administration members Bill Ray & Average Joe Everyman say they deserve a shot. Garth Holmberg & Gosh Hopkins say how they have been overlooked and should get a shot. Rockstar Gary & his Number #1 fan say they are the premiere duo of the BoD. Oh my, Dancin’ Devin & Lil’ James say they can do more than just GIT FUN-KAY as they want a shot at the gold. All of a sudden, a rumbling can be heard behind the wall. And something blasts through!!!! ITS THE KOOL AID MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Correction, it is ARRRRGH THE BARBARIAN and THE YETAAAAY, better known as the RIPSHIT KILLERS as they come through the wall and want a shot at the belt. The GM says that he has had enough and said at BoD SummerFest, we will have a Tag Team Battle Royal to determine the #1 contender. 

Number #1 Contender Match for the BoD Writer’s Championship
“Marvelous” Matt Perri vs. Tommy Hall vs. Andy PG vs. Kyle Fitta 

Tommy is sporting a Mark Lemke throwback tonight. Andy goes straight after him but Tommy ducks outside. Perri hits Andy from behind but Kyle rolls him up and gets two as Tommy ran in for the save. Tommy attacks Andy from behind and whips him against the ropes but Andy rolls underneath him and comes back with a dropkick. Andy goes to work on Tommy in the corner as Kyle and Perri brawl outside. Miss Danielle tries to interfere and Kyle backs her up but that allows Perri to attack him from behind. In the ring, Tommy uses the ref as a shield so he can cheapshot Andy then rolls him up but gets caught grabbing his tights and yells at the referee. Perri rolls Kyle back inside and covers but that only gets two. Matt hits a suplex then goes for an elbow drop but Tommy pulls Kyle away as Perri hits the mat. Tommy sets up for the Vader Bomb but Andy cuts him off.He tries for a back suplex off of the top rope but Perri gets up and goes underneath Andy and they have a tower of doom spot as the crowd goes nuts. Kyle gets up and heads up top and nails Perri with a splash but Miss Danielle puts Perri’s foot on the ropes for the save then denies she did such a thing when the referee warns her. Kyle picks up Perri but Tommy attacks him from behind. He beats on Kyle until Andy sends Tommy through the ropes with a dropkick. Kyle stumbles around and Perri hits him from behind with a running knee smash. Perri then uses a reverse rollup but Andy hits Perri with a sliding clothesline then uses the La Magistral cradle for the win! Tommy pulls himself up and sees that Andy is victorious and boots the steel steps with his throwback sneaker choice of the week, BK Dymacel’s. Andy moves on to face Stranger in the Alps at BoD SummerFest for the Writer’s Championship in what will promise to be a scientific matchup.

Mar Solo is backstage in the locker room. He opens up his locker and sees it is filled with containers of Sanka. THAT BULLSHIT ISN’T REAL COFFEE!!!! He looks aggravated and attempts to take them out but from behind comes Aric Johnson. He knocks Mar Solo down with a coffee pot. Aric then retrieves a pot filled with what appears to be coffee and pours it down the drain to tease our coffee deprived friend. Aric now goes over and grabs a container of Sanka. He opens it up and pours it all over Solo, telling him this is as close as he will ever get to coffee ever again.

Backstage, we see the construction of the set used for the Riverdale Choklit Shoppe Deathmatch. Archie supervises the construction with an approving eye, threatening to crowbar anyone who measures fewer than three times before cutting. The set designer appears with a bunch of malt glasses. Archie asks if he brought the extra surprise, and the set designer says she did, before making the Sign of Riverdale over her forehead to spare an Archie Stackhouse beating for no reason. Suddenly, Cooltrainer Bret ambushes the set designer with a fork attack! Well that was just uncalled for. Archie defends the honor of his set designer by thwacking Bret repeatedly with the crowbar, but Bret counters with fork-fu. WEAPONS DUEL! Bret parries a weapon strike and tries some sort of Double Wrist Lock hold on the crowbar arm, with Stackhouse daring him to break the limb, before White Coat Security and a bunch of C-Listers break everything up. Archie gets his licks in with Jughead as White Coat Security do their damndest to be inneffectual, before eventually the rent-a-cops come and sort the mess out. Meanwhile, Bill Ray lurks in the background, drinking a Detroit cocktail. Will Bill Ray survive drinking Turpentine and Coke? TUNE INTO BOD SUMMERSLAMFEST TO FIND OUT!

Beard Money & Dancin’ Devin Harris & Lil’ James vs. PrimeTime Ten & Paul Meekin & White Thunder

HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!! WE GOT TWO PEOPLE GITTIN’ FUN-KAY IN THE RING. And our dancin’ friends get attacked from behind as we have a six-man brawl in the ring!!!! The good guys turn the tide and chase those evil-do’ers out from the ring and start to dance!!!! SOMEBODY, CALL THEIR MOMMAS!!!!!!!!!!!! AND LOOK AT GRANNY GIT FUN-KAY IN THE FRONT ROW!!!! Oh wait, PrimeTime just took a glass of soda from a fan and dumped it in Granny’s purse!!!!! The crowd starts pelting PrimeTime and the Rybaxel of the BoD with garbage. The match settles down as Lil’ James and Meekzilla start things off. Lil’ James uses his speed and hits Ebert Jr. with a few dropkicks. James then tries a crossbody but Meekin catches him and hits a backbreaker. Tag to Thunder who starts stomping then does the Flair strut. Thunder chops James in the corner but his Irish whip is reversed and he goes upside down in the corner. James tags Harris as he goes to work on Thunder. PrimeTime knees Harris in the back then tags himself in and starts to work on the back of Harris. PrimeTime stops to flip off Beard Money, who tries to run in but the ref orders him back and the heels triple-team Harris. Thunder tags and slams Harris but heads up top and took too long as Harris is able to slam him off as both men are down. PrimeTime runs in and tries to drags Harris back but gets shoved down and he tags Beard Money as the place erupts! Beard Money cartwheels as PrimeTime runs out of the ring. Thunder tags Meekin and Beard Money starts hammering away. He slams Meekin and Thunder repeatedly as PrimeTime appears to have gone to the back. Beard Money tags Lil’ James and picks him up and drops him on Meekin. Harris tags and he a front falling slam then tags Beard Money, who gets the win with a leg drop. OH MY, WE GITTIN’ FUN-KAY NOW!!!!! WAIT A MINUTE, ARE THE DANCING BLACK GUYS GONNA TEACH THE HILLBILLY HOW TO GIT FUN-KAY? No, as PrimeTime Ten runs in and takes out the Harris and Lil’ James with a chair. He then hits Beard Money and goes underneath the ring and grabs the slop bucket. He goes back inside and looks to slop Beard Money. He flingsthe bucket but Beard Money ducks and it goes all over Meekin!!!!! THE MEEKSTER IS COVERED IN SLOP!!!! Beard Money then goes after
PrimeTime, who flees through the crowd. Beard Money checks on Granny, who has a soda-soaked purse.

Now, lets go down to New Zealand and check on Wade Michael Meltzer as he attempts to locate the Garea Dungeon and check on the progress of YJ2310:

(We last left off with a horse dragging Wade all the way to Haka Dance Blvd)

Wade: (finally reaches his destination after being dragged for several miles) Man, I took more bumps on that ride than Curt Hennig circa 1990 (followed by a smarmy laugh).

(Wade starts roaming the street to look for the wherabouts of the Garea Dungeon. He sees another sheep farmer)

Wade: Hello, sir. Do you know where I can find Tony Garea’s house?
Farmer: (shocked and angry) And just who the fuck are you to think you can just waltz into Auckland and demand to see a legend like Mr. Garea?
Wade: I am the reporter for BoD RAW and looking for YJ2310 as he attempts to turn around his life around with the guidance from Mr. Garea.
Farmer: Why didn’t you say so? And that poor YJ2310 lad has had the worst year ever. I hope he turns it around. Also, what happened to that Buck Nasty guy? I enjoyed to see him popping ye pussy at Chang O’Reilly’s.
Wade: I don’t know, I have spent ten days straight watching the G-1 Tournament. I don’t think that establishment has had 35 **** matches since August 1st (followed by smarmy laugh)
Farmer: I’ll hit ya upside the head with my kiwifruit bag and you’ll be seeing four stars for the rest of your fuckin’ life!!!!!!!!!
Wade: My sources say that Buck Nasty will have a bigger role in the upcoming weeks
Farmer: That is more like it. Mr. Garea lives on Kiwi Tree Road. Here is my top horse that Mr Garea himself took a photo with. He will guide you to his dungeon and probably never come back to me again. The horses, they like Mr.Garea. 
Wade: Has your horse seen Nakumura vs. Shibata? He would like that too. 
Farmer: (slaps the horse) GO TO MR. GAREA’S !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Yet again, the horse drags Wade, this time to Kiwi Tree Road. The adventure will continue next week)




Number One Contender’s Match for the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Match
Joe Dust vs. Adam Curry


Joe and Adam lockup to start. Joe grabs a side headlock then gets whipped against the ropes and both men collide. Adam leapfrogs Joe then comes back with an arm drag. Joe comes back with his own armdrag and they end in a stalemate. Adam bounces off of the ropes at Joe, who ducks a flying forearm. Joe takes control and puts Adam in a leg lock. Joe continues to target the leg and hits Adam with a shinbreaker. Joe now goes outside and rams Adam’s leg against the post. Joe goes back inside and applies an STF in the middle of the ring as Adam desperately tries to reach the ropes. The crowd rallies as Adam just reaches the ropes. Joe suplexes Adam then heads up top. He leaps and goes for a senton but Adam rolls out of the way as both men are down. Adam is up first and he hammers away at Joe. He whips Joe against the ropes and catches him with a leg lariat but it seemed to hurt him just as much. Joe gets up and sweeps the leg, channeling John Kreese. Joe picks up Adam for another suplex but that gets turned into a small package for a nearfall. Joe runs over and beats on Adam then places him up top. He follows but Adam fights back. Adam then pushes Joe off of the top rope and stands up then jumps……….and connects with the 5-star frog splash. Adam covers 1…….2………..3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Adam will go on to face Hart Killer 09 at BoD SummerFest

Danimal Crossing, Peyton Drinking, and Alex Bull are waiting for the GM but get blown off as he angrily walks past them. The GM sees Justice Gray and said it is time for Plan B this Sunday………..

And now, the official contract signing between Cultstatus and Jef Vinson. Cult has the strap over his shoulder and points at it the entire time as Vinson signs the contract. Cult tells Vinson how he will not be winning this Sunday as Vinson talks about all of the adversity that he has faced over the past several months. Vinson said that he has been robbed, beating, brutalized, and had the deck stacked against him for his whole run as Cult makes a yawning motion. Vinson sees this and slaps Cult, who now has his full attention. Cult lays down the belt on the mat and begs Vinson to face him. The Fuj runs out to break up these two but from behind comes out Jobber and he pushes Cult into the Fuj, knocking him down. Jobber then beats on Vinson as Fuj gets up and shoves Cult, who shoves him back. Fuj and Cult are face-to-face as Jobber and Vinson brawl outside as we are out of time. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? TUNE INTO BoD SUMMERFEST AT 6:05 PM EST THIS SUNDAY TO FIND OUT!!!!!!

BoD SummerFest Card:

BoD Heavyweight Championship Match: Cultstatus vs. Jef Vinson
BoD Heavyweight Championship Number #1 Contender Match: Jobber123 vs. Parallax1978 vs. The Fuj
Riverdale Choklit Shoppe Death Match: Archie Stackhouse vs. CooltrainerBret
Magoonie vs. Brian Bayless
Todd “Hoss” Lorenz vs. Buck Nasty
Hog Pen Match: PrimeTime Ten vs. Beard Money
Tag Team Battle Royal to determine the #1 Contender for the Tag Team Titles
Tim Horton’s Throwdown: Mar Solo vs. Aric Johnson
Best of 5 Series, Match #5 to dertermine the C-List Title #1 Contender: DBSM vs. Night81
BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Match: Hart Killer 09 vs. Adam Curry
BoD Writer’s Championship Match: Stranger in the Alps vs. Andy PG