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Matt’s Main Event Recap – 8/5/2014

So, we’re about two weeks out from SummerSlam.
I’ve
heard a lot about Cena losing to Lesnar. For some reason, there’s a
nagging voice in my head, telling me that Cena’s going to retain, only
to lose the title to Rollins who, really, is far more skilled and
available than Lesnar in terms of technique.
I
just can’t see Lesnar building enough heat all the way to WrestleMania
and, really, the storyline doesn’t make much sense unless Lesnar’s going
to become part of The Authority.
I
don’t know…I probably lack vision here and, really, WWE has been so
bi-polar in its booking, that they’ll do anything at this point — with
smiles on their faces.
For only $9.99.
Let’s go…
We are LIVE(!) from Laredo, Texas!

Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips are the guys on the mic.

Alberto
Del Rio is out for a match, following his near-16-minute “epic” against
Dean Ambrose. He’s got a Mexican flag with him. He’s here to speak to
his countrymen in attendance in Spanish. He pays tribute to all his
Mexican citizens and thanks them for all his support.

And,
here comes Swagger and Colter. Colter insults Del Rio and tells them
that they’re in ‘MURKA and they speak ENGLISH, not SPANISH. Colter says
the Mexican flag is foreign and then lumps Mexico in with Russia because
they both speak a foreign language.

So, WWE
Creative’s plan to make us sympathize with our “American Face”
characters is to revert them back into the same Tea Bagging racist
bigots they were before, have them make xenophobic remarks towards
Mexico, and mock the guy whose homeland is right across the street and
whose citizens make up a large part of tonight’s audience? Brilliant
booking. Absolutely spot-on.

Be right back. I need a beer if I’m gonna watch this shit tonight.

Del
Rio says they’re not in Russia. They’re at the border of Mexico and the
United States — and that’s the best place to have a fight.

Colter says they accept a fight tonight. Later on. Not now. Then they walk off.

Your cowardly, bigoted, Tea Bagger heels, ladies and gentlemen! ‘MURICA!

TONIGHT:

  • AJ Lee returns from the Shove of Doom.
  • Everyone bows to Steph. At least it’s not more replays of the Tekken Boss Slap.
  • Jack Swagger vs. Alberto Del Rio



We get an ad for WrestleMania Rewind: The Undertaker and Triple H at WrestleMania XXVIII.

Heath
Slater and Titus O’Neil are in the ring. Slater shows us clips of his
win over Seth Rollins last night on RAW. I wonder if WWE Creative looks
in the mirror and says, “I just helped job Seth Rollins to one half of
SlaterGator.”
Slater loves the sound of the team’s name: SlaterGator! 
Out come the Rhodes Brothers.
(DANIELLE: After 20 years, why hasn’t anyone figured out that Dustin’s name looks like “Gold-UST”?)
MATCH #1: SlaterGator (Heath Slater & Titus O’Neil) vs. Goldust & Stardust
Goldie
hits a Reverse Atomic Drop and a slap at Heath Slater. Tag to Star who
hits a dropkick. Slater pushes Star into the corner and it’s a tag to
Titus. Star counters some moves and takes control of the match. Titus
puts him into the heel corner.
TOM: Everything about Stardust is just…just…
DANIELLE: Vaguely gay?
ME: Creepy?
DANIELLE: Rapey?
Stardust
fights his way out of the corner but flies into the Titus’s arms. Titus
hits backbreakers and then throws Star across the ring, tagging Slater.
Slater beats on Star. Slater tags Titus. Titus gets distracted by
Goldie after throwing Stardust across the ring again. 
Stardust
lands on his feet, gets knocked down by Titus and Titus tags Slater.
Star kicks him away and Hot Tags Goldie who hits his usual Dairy Queen
Blizzard mixture of moves and powerslams Slater. Star takes out Titus.
Slater hits a Sunset Flip roll-up for the win at 4:12. Stardust can’t
believe it.
WINNERS: SlaterGator
RATING: *1/2
SlaterGator
is pumped outside the ring. Inside the ring, the Dusts are blown away.
Can’t wait for 45 straight episodes where Stardust tries to find Goldust
a new tag partner.
RAW REWIND: Stephanie McMahon and Brie sign their contract. 
AT SUMMERSLAM: It’s Bella (BLEEEEP) vs. McMahon (BLEEEEP)
NEXT: AJ “returns” from her dramatic “absence”.
We get an ad for Cena and Brock at SummerSlam.
MATCH #2: Summer Rae vs. WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee (non-title)
AJ’s
all healthy again. What a “return”. AJ rolls up Summer for one, then
hits a couple neckbreakers for two. AJ hits the dropkick and gets up
slowly. Her neck is all “injured from whiplash”, according to Tom
Phillips. AJ hits the Widow and we’re done.
WINNER: AJ Lee
RATING: DUD
Phillips
gets in the ring with AJ because an interview with AJ is in order after
her brave voyage back into the fray. She says she’s a White Knight who
ruined Paige’s “fairy tale”. At SummerSlam, she’ll do it again. Paige’s
music hits. She says her and AJ belong in the ring together. They’re
“frienemies”. She will have the title again because this is her house.
AJ says this isn’t Paige’s house. It’s AJ’s kingdom. 
Cue the music because the TNA-like crowd would rather be at a Ranger game right now.
TONIGHT: Swagger vs. Del Rio
NEXT: Another eight minutes wasted on the Cena/Lesnar video package we’ve already seen twice on one show.

And we get that.


NEXT MONDAY ON RAW: Big Orange Rawhide Chew Hulk Hogan celebrates his 9,000 birthday.


FRIDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Ambrose will tell us what the stipulation will be in his match with Rollins.


MATCH #3: Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Alberto Del Rio
Swagger
runs over Del Rio to start. Del Rio returns the favor and Swagger rolls
out of the ring. Swagger gets back in and the two trade corner
beatings. Swagger goes for an Irish Whip. Del Rio comes back and kicks
Swagger in the face. Del Rio rushes Swagger and Swagger drops him
outside the ring. Swagger follows and tosses Del Rio into the crowd
barrier. Swagger tosses Del Rio into the ring but Del Rio gets to his
feet and hits an Enzuguri as we go to break.
We get an ad for “Ladies and Gentlemen, My Name is Paul Heyman” on DVD.
Trailer for Oculus.

Oh
hai. We’re back. Swagger flies into the post and Colter buries his head
into his arms, shaking his head. Oh noes. Del Rio beats on Swagger and
sends him into the barricade. He tosses Swagger into the ring and hits a
lariat. Two count. Del Rio hits some shots. Swagger comes back but
misses a corner rush and ends up hitting the buckles, full force. Del
Rio hits a suplex for two. Swagger comes back by shoulder-ramming Del
Rio in the corner. Del Rio counters with a Cross Arm Breaker on the
ropes.

Del Rio climbs the top buckle
but Swagger knocks him off and hits a Superplex. Swagger gets two. He
gets up and hits clothesline and a knee lift, followed by a big boot.
Swagger roars and the crowd boos him. Swagger Bomb hits but Del Rio
kicks out at two. The two trade shots and Del Rio hits a Tornado DDT for
two. Del Rio goes for the Cross Arm Breaker but Swagger counters into
the Spinebuster for two. Swagger rushes. Del Rio pushes him away.
Swagger rushes again and it’s the Spinning Backbreaker for two. Del Rio
hits the Mini Superkick for two, then the Cross Arm Breaker. Swagger
somehow gets out and hits the Patriot Lock. Del Rio counters and tries
an Enzuguri but Swagger catches his foot and hits the Patriot Lock
again. Del Rio taps at 11:58.
WINNER: Swagger via Patriot Lock
RATING: **1/2. Not bad.
Swagger celebrates as we go off the air.

OVERALL: It was your usual blargh. *1/2 for me.

I’ll
be back next week, same time, same website. Thursday’s double-feature
day with the great Scott Keith’s NXT report and Danielle’s Total Divas
recap/rant. Tommy will cover Smackdown to take you into your weekend and
Andy PG will be back to start your week off right with the PG Era Raw
Rant on Monday.

Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.