Quantcast

The PG Era Rant: Raw, 08.04.14

The PG Era Rant for Raw’s Lower Deck
Episode, August 4, 2014. WARNING as always: expect iconoclastic
opinions.
Live from Stone Cold Steve Austin, TX.
Your hosts are Byron, Booker, and Alex,
then Cole, Lawler, and Bradshaw.
Things that will happen tonight
(brought to you by the letter B if this recap is anything to go by):
  • Stephanie McMahon and Brie Bella
    will sign their SummerSlam contract
  • Chris Jericho vs. Luke Harper; if
    Jericho wins, Bray Wyatt must go into SummerSlam alone
  • A video package detailing the
    history of John Cena and Brock Lesnar, and their feelings on each
    other
We look back at Roman Reigns getting
ambushed last week. Bottom line: don’t steal from Randy Orton.

And this leads us to opening
announcements with Triple H, accompanied by Orton, Rollins,
Stephanie, and Kane. Cole informs us that Orton/Reigns is on for
SummerSlam. Which is in two weeks, as HHH tells us. Buy the
Network! Now, HHH doesn’t like to pat himself on the back, but he
will, because this is the biggest SummerSlam ever. Bray Wyatt
against Chris Jericho! (Buy the Network!) And just added: Seth
Rollins against Dean Ambrose! (Buy the Network!) Oh, about that
match: tonight, Rollins and Ambrose will Beat the Clock. Faster time
names a stipulation. Ambrose’s opponent will be Alberto Del Rio.
Rollins, meanwhile, will face Rob Van Dam.
To Stephanie, who gets HUGE heel heat.
Attempts to prove she’s going local with cowboy boots don’t help.
And later tonight, the contract signing. (Buy the Network!) And
there will be slapping if Brie gets out of line. And if it happens,
Brie will be in the hospital next to Daniel Bryan. (Crowd: YES!)
HHH says there’s more: Brock Lesnar
against John Cena! (Buy the Network!) BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
Randy Orton gets to speak and say the
best part of SummerSlam is his guarantee: Orton will decimate Roman
Reigns. See, Roman took opportunities from Orton, and now you can
see remains of Roman on the announce table. But if you think last
week was a big deal, it was just a taste…
…and before we can pitch the Network
again, here’s Reigns. JBL says what I’m thinking: he’s walking into
a 1-on-4 situation. Reigns, though, stops in the crowd and has a
microphone (somehow). If the Viper is back, then Reigns took
everything from him and came back for more. And if Hunter is about
great deals, here’s one: he’s beating up Orton and you don’t even
need the Network!
HHH calms the troops and reminds
everyone the fight is at SummerSlam. Tonight, instead, Roman Reigns
is going to get his hands on Kane. And that better be THEDEMONKANE!
And the match will be Last Man Standing. And that match is NEXT!
Play Reigns’ music!
Hey, Hunter, I wasn’t paying
attention. How much is the Network again? In all seriousness,
setting up three matches for tonight is good return on a 12-minute
opening promo. Feeling good about tonight, even if Stephanie and
Brie’s contract signing is the end segment.
Last Man Standing: Kane v. Roman
Reigns.
Roman slugs away to
start, but Kane controls with an uppercut as we get a hashtag. Roman
comes out of the corner with a clothesline and headbutt, but Kane
reverses with a DDT, getting 2. Out of 10. Kane slugs away in the
corner with forearms, getting a corner whip and clothesline. A
second one eats boot, and Roman’s off the second rope with a
clothesline for 3. Kane bails, and Roman follows to send Kane into
the announce table and STEEL steps. This gets 4. Reigns with a
clothesline off the steps (wait, who are those Wyatt Family
cosplayers in the front row?) for 6. Reigns sends Kane into the
barricade again, adding an uppercut, but Kane sends Reigns into some
steps for 4. Reigns eats post, but the ref doesn’t count because
Kane is re-arranging stairs. Reigns would’ve been up before 10
anyway. He puts the steps halfway up the aisle as a barricade, but
Reigns recovers with shots before sending Kane back-first into the
barricade for 6. Reigns charges into a kick, then he gets sent into
the barricade for 5. Kane goes hunting for weaponry, finding a
Singapore cane. Time for a whipping, and Reigns gets hit five times
before Kane ditches the stick for the steps to the face. Reigns is
busted open hardway as he’s down for 7. Kane sends Roman into the
barricade, but Reigns reverses and Kane is into the timekeeper area
as we go to break.
A Last Man Standing match is a good
way to hide that Reigns has a limited moveset because no one expects
anything but a brawl anyway. That said, he’s showing he needs more
variety. I still think he’s too green to be getting the big push,
but hey, he’s an Anoa’i so he must be good enough, right?
Last Man Standing, part two.
Kane has Reigns draped on the middle rope and does a drive-by
uppercut. Reigns is holding himself up by the ropes, so no count.
Reigns reverses to send Kane into a chair that was wedged into the
turnbuckles before collapsing. It’s a double 7. Reigns slugs away
on Kane, getting a leaping lariat and avalanche clothesline.
Uppercut and another clothesline, and another uppercut, put Kane in
position for the Drive-By Dropkick. Kane rolls out at 5. Reigns
walks into an uppercut, but Reigns reverses Kane into that stair
barricade from earlier. It gets 6. Reigns sends Kane into the
barricade (as the ref counts), then finds a table. Kane is up at
whatever and ambushes Reigns, throwing him in and following. Kane
sets up the table as Reigns takes a count of 4. Kane runs into a
Samoan Drop for 3. Superpunch is caught, and Reigns is chokeslammed
through the table for our first 9 of the match. Kane is furious and
pounds away, grabbing the chair from the corner and setting it down
for a Tombstone attempt. Reigns slides out the back and gets a DDT
on the chair instead for 2. Yes, 2. Superpunch follows, getting…
no count? Even the announcers are confused. It wouldn’t have
mattered, but still. Spear is stopped, chokeslam is avoided, and the
spear connects on the second try for the 10-count at 15:18. Didn’t
do it much for me – not enough high counts and the referee’s
inconsistency takes away. **1/4

Coming
up: Ambrose/ADR and Rollins/RVD in the Beat the Clock showdown! But
up next, a video package on Cena and Lesnar!
They’re
doing everything they can to make Roman Reigns a big deal. It’s
working, don’t get me wrong – the crowd is 100% behind him. But if
the Cena experience of 2005 is any indication, he’s going to run into
someone who is able to wrestle circles around him and it’ll be all
over. Or is that just Cena?
Your
SummerSlam theme is Fozzy’s “Lights Go Out”. SummerSlam will be
main evented by John Cena against Brock Lesnar, and here’s a video
package on the two of them.
“Bad
things happen to good people when you step into the ring with Brock
Lesnar.” Brock calls himself an “ass-kicking son of a bitch”
and he doesn’t care who he rubs the wrong way. He came back to be
champion, and he doesn’t care who he rips through, because his
happiness is in causing pain. To get into his world, understand he
likes to hurt people. He’s conquered, he’s won, he’s defeated. He’s
coming off the biggest win in the WWE – beating Undertaker and
WrestleMania. And he and everyone knew it would happen – why
WOULDN’T it? It’s not like Undertaker is a god. So why can’t Brock
Lesnar beat John Cena?
“You’re
gonna ask probably a lot of questions about accomplishments I’ve had;
I would much rather not talk about my successes.” Cena
acknowledges that he’s fortunate, but says his secret is just looking
forward. And ahead of him is Brock Lesnar, the most difficult
opponent he’s had and the most gifted athlete he’s seen. He has a
unique combination of athleticism and meanness. But Cena’s been in
the ring with him before. Brock promises to rip John Cena apart and
make it ugly. Cena says it’ll be the toughest match of his life.
Heyman promised the beating of a lifetime – Cena knew that, but
Cena knows what it takes to win.
Come
get some.
You
will be conquered.
Come
Get Some.
Cena
wants to beat The One. Brock Lesnar made a name for himself outside
this company… because if he stayed, John Cena would be a nobody out
of the business. Cena, though, says if he stayed, there would be no
LESNAR. He’s a special attraction who only wants to fight every so
often. He’s a mercenary. Cena is passionate about the WWE and has
been there for 12 years, non-stop. And he’s in it to win it.
Brock
gets the last word: he will rip John Cena apart and leave him in a
puddle of blood, urine, and vomit.
Buy
the Network! Later tonight, we’ll talk about the rest of the world
getting in on it!
Tonight:
Chris Jericho faces Luke Harper!
If
they ever cut the people who make their video packages, it will be a
dark day.
Damien
Sandow as an Oklahoma football player v. Mark Henry.

Damien Sandow explains the Red River Rivalry for those not in
America or who don’t follow football. Mark Henry is in the burnt
orange just to make it clear who to cheer for. Sandow says horns
down, Henry says horns up. Sandow with punches, but Henry shoves him
down and clotheslines him. World’s Strongest Slam ends it at 47
seconds, at least half of it spent with Sandow in Henry’s arms.
Where’s Ed Ferrara when he could actually be useful?
Adam
Rose and company are backstage with the mirror from Oculus. They say
it’s haunted, you know. And those who stare into it will see their
evil side staring back at them. Hooey, says Adam Rose. Not like
he’s going to see a giant lemon. Against his Rosebud wishes, he
looks into the mirror… and sees himself in a business suit. The
mirror’s power is real! RUN! And buy Oculus on DVD!
Tonight:
a contract signing between Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon! But up
next, Dean Ambrose sets the time against Alberto Del Rio!
Time
for a theory: Damien Sandow is being punished by the Authority by
making him do all these chameleon cheap heat things. Why are they
punishing him? Because during Occupy Raw, Sandow refused to break up
the invasion in the ring, instead wisely walking away from Bryan and
his 100 or so fans. Granted, they’re just using him as a jobber so
who cares, but nothing wrong with fan theory.
Next
week is Hulk Hogan’s birthday, and Raw is throwing a party!
Beat
the Clock establishment: Dean Ambrose v. Alberto Del Rio.

Beat the Clock gets a hashtag. Lawler wants the match to last
10:39, or 9:99. Del Rio rolls Ambrose into the corner and feigns a
clean break to get a kick and snapmare for one. Ambrose fires away
in the corner, sending him into another corner and getting ten Bionic
Elbows and a snapmare for one. Rude Awakening gets two. Into the
corner, but ADR reverses and gets the catapult enzuigiri for one.
Del Rio gets a brainbuster, but they fall into the ropes. Kicks in
the corner, and Del Rio chokes Ambrose, but Ambrose trips Del Rio and
swings wildly. The chase goes on around the ring, but Del Rio
suckers Ambrose in and throws him into the barricade. Back in, ADR
goes up and lands a single axhandle for two. To the CHINLOCK as we
reach three minutes. Del Rio goes low, but Ambrose gets a small
package for two. Clothesline by Del Rio, then a kick to the head of
a seated Ambrose. Del Rio chokes Ambrose in the ropes (almost
reaching five) before throwing him into the post. Del Rio yanks the
arm repeatedly over the middle rope before showing off. Cole
mentions this is a rematch of a Main Event match on the Network, so
BUY THE NETWORK! Ambrose sends Del Rio into the barricade, then gets
a suplex on the floor. Back in, it gets two. Ambrose slaps on a
Fujiwara armbar, begging Del Rio to tap. Del Rio up with a headbutt
before sidestepping Ambrose and letting him crash into the post
again. Del Rio with the Cross Armbreaker over the top rope, and he
goes up, but Ambrose catches him with a shot to the gut. Ambrose
with the comeback, ending in a crossbody and punches. He checks the
clock before putting Del Rio in the corner, but Del Rio reverses
before running into an elbow. Del Rio shoves off a Tornado DDT try
and gets the low superkick. Ambrose rolls to the outside as we go to
break seven minutes in.
They’re
really really pushing the Network tonight. Interesting that this
match goes first, by the way.
Ambrose/Del
Rio, part two.

Back
at 10:22 as Ambrose is down and Del Rio gets a top wristlock.
Ambrose fights to his feet, but Del Rio with a single-arm DDT. Del
Rio sets Ambrose up against the post, but Ambrose moves and Del Rio
kicks the post. Ambrose with a tope suicida as Del Rio is halfway
into the crowd. Back in, and a missile dropkick floors Del Rio, but
Ambrose can barely follow up. He slams himself into Del Rio’s
midsection, but Del Rio reverses a Hammer Throw. Enzuigiri misses,
and Ambrose gets the Tornado DDT for two. Ambrose was too busy
watching the clock to hook a leg. Bulldog driver is shoved out of,
and Del Rio sends him into the buckle and rips the bandage off.
Everyone goes up, and Del Rio gets an inside-out superplex for two.
Cross Armbreaker time, but Ambrose with a cradle for two. Ambrose
with the rope-tangle lariat for two. JBL points out that Ambrose’s
arm is so shot he can’t hold the leg for a cover. Del Rio with an
armstabber, and he does the Cross Armbreaker in the ropes. Del Rio
taunts Ambrose, slapping him, but Dirty Deeds comes out of nowhere to
win the match at 15:42. JBL makes a big deal about the fact that
Ambrose switched to his good arm to do the finisher. That match was
some WCCW goodness here in Texas. ***1/4
Later
tonight: Seth Rollins has to beat Rob Van Dam, 15 minutes, and 42
seconds! Plus, Stephanie McMahon and Brie Bella will sign a
contract! (Here’s a look at last week and how the match came about.)
But up next, Rusev!
Dean
Ambrose is like the lost Von Erich kid. I don’t think anyone thought
he’d be this good as a sympathetic babyface. If this is a match of
long nights – and certainly Rollins/RVD is going to be at least
long enough to tease that 15:42 will stand – I might have to give
this a high score. Just stop plugging the Network.
But
first, a look back at SmackDown when Jack Swagger made Cesaro tap
out. Fun fact: this was his first clean win since his face turn.
This led to the challenge and acceptance.
Um,
Rusev just beat Sin Cara during the commercial break. Wow. So
that’s more time for Lana to talk. She tells us that the Deputy PM
of Russia sending a photo of Obama and Putin. Putin has a cougar,
Obama a poodle. But this isn’t about disparaging Obama – Obama can
do that on his own. It is Obama’s birthday actually, so Lana will
sing Happy Birthday in Russian. Can we watch the match instead?
Post-song,
it’s Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter for a rebuttal. Lana taunts Swagger
in Russian, but Colter tells her to shut up already. He’s sick of
hearing Lana – no wonder Russian men get drunk all the time. He’s
also sick of hearing about Putin and Russia. He’s also sick of Rusev
Crush. He tells the “Bolshevik twitheads” that they don’t know
what they’re in for at SummerSlam. Jack Swagger’s fighting for 50
stars and 13 bars, while Lana and Rusev are fighting against all of
America. And since Lana can use photos, here’s one from Colter,
showing some blue collar Americans that Jack Swagger fights for.
Nick breaks his back for his wife and two kids, Megan works 60 hours
a week to make people get over illness, and soldiers everywhere
CHOOSE to risk their lives to defend America against all enemies. So
Colter tells Lana and “that dancing bear there” (crowd with a
LOUD USA chant) that he has a prediction for SummerSlam. The last
thing they’ll see is Old Glory waving high. And the only thing
crushed will be the ego of Russia. WE THE PEOPLE!
Swagger
hands off the flag to Colter as he glares at Rusev. Lana holds Rusev
back. Rusev seems to be ready to back off, but Colter’s
trash-talking allows Rusev to smash Swagger with the flagpole over
and over. Several stabs with the pole, then he clotheslines Swagger
out of the ring. Rusev taunts Swagger…
…then
realizes this leaves Colter in the ring alone. Colter, to his
credit, doesn’t run off. He’s ready to fight back, but Rusev corners
him. Lana calls it off, taunting Colter, and making it clear Rusev
could kill him if they wanted.
Later
tonight: Chris Jericho faces Luke Harper – and if Jericho wins,
Bray Wyatt will be alone at SummerSlam!
They’re
reallymaking the WWE App a big deal, and nothing wrong with
occasionally having a match go outside of TV plans. Plus, they’re
getting hyooge heat on Swagger and Colter, which I guarantee no one
thought that possible. Well, I did. By the way, what odds could you
have gotten on Cesaro being the Jannetty of the Real Americans? At
least 200-1, right?
BUY
THE NETWORK! Starting August 12, the rest of the world is going to
get in on the WWE Network! Mexico, Canada, Australia! Britain gets
it October 1!
Cesaro
v. Dolph Ziggler.

Cesaro boots Ziggler down for two as we learn Dolph/Miz has been
added to SummerSlam. Karelin suplex (not that we see it, because
we’re looking at Miz) follows, and Cesaro taunts Dolph with
facewashes. Cesaro with a straight right hand, and he goes to the
CHINLOCK. Dolph fights out with a dropkick, but flies into a
tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Cesaro again taunts Dolph,
demanding he get up, but Dolph tries a small package… which Cesaro
catches and turns into a delay suplex… but Dolph slides out with
the Zig Zag for the win at 2:08. 1/2*
Too much showing Miz. And in fact, Miz enters the ring with his
I-C title for a staredown with Dolph. Crowd thinks Miz can’t
wrestle. Yeah, I’ve made it clear I hate that chant. Miz holds the
title up high until Dolph tries a superkick, which makes Miz flinch
so hard he falls down.
So,
at SummerSlam, we will have Orton/Reigns, AJ/Paige, and Dolph/Miz.
(Buy the Network!) But on SmackDown, Paige threw AJ off the stage.
Paige: “She’s fine!” This brings us to Paige… who wishes AJ a
speedy recovery. Also, she admires AJ and thinks it’s a dream to
meet her at SummerSlam. So get well, AJ, and we’ll see you soon.
Paige misses her SO MUCH.
Up
next: the Brothers Rhodes return to action!
You
know, my minions had a theory on the Cesaro non-push. They were
hoping the fans would launch Cesaro the way they launched CM Punk and
Daniel Bryan. The problem, in my opinion, is that Cesaro doesn’t
have that underdog appeal nor charisma that both Punk and Bryan have.
He’s been given his chance to shine, and it just didn’t work.
Putting him with Heyman was part of the plan: Heyman ignoring Cesaro
for Brock Lesnar would happen no matter what.
RybAxel
v. The Brotherhood.

They couldn’t spare Slater/Gator for this one? Cole makes it clear
that Rybaxel is why Cody became this loony. Dustin starts off (with
Cody walking the ropes) against Ryback. Ryback backs Dustin into the
corner, but misses something and Dustin gets some inverted atomic
drops. Dustin spits at Ryback and gets a headlock, but Axel trips
Dustin and tags himself in. The double-teaming begins, and Axel gets
a dropkick. It gets two. Ryback in, and he gets a suplex for two.
Dustin fights out of the corner, but Axel trips him and Ryback pounds
him down. Axel stomps away and gets a kneelift for two. To the
CHINLOCK as Cody tries to fire the crowd up. Dustin with a low kick
and hot tag to Cody. Cody with the sliding kick and hiptoss, then a
cartwheel dropkick. Straightjacket DDT gets two, Ryback saves.
Dustin sends Ryback into the post, and Cody gets the half-nelson STO
for the win at 2:47. This needed to be more of a squash. 1/2*
To
the back with the Authority looking over the contract when Kane walks
in, and he’s ANGRY. So mad he rips the mask off and hands it to
Stephanie before walking away. Stephanie stares at the mask in
confusion.
Up
next: Chris Jericho against Luke Harper!
JBL
is confused about what the heck just happened to Kane. So am I. I’m
sure there’s a point to it… is Kane retiring? Is he taking time
off for politics? Is this about promoting See No Evil 2? I… yeah,
I know, tune in next week to find out.
We
look again at what that was with Kane before flashing back to
SmackDown as Chris Jericho beat Eric Rowan and kept him out of
SummerSlam.
Chris
Jericho v. Luke Harper.

Rowan may be banned from SummerSlam, but he isn’t banned from this
match. Harper charges Jericho into the corner and pounds away,
getting an uppercut, then another. He picks Jericho up by the ears
and knocks him down before choking him. A big uppercut has Jericho
reeling, and Harper backs into the corner, raking the face. Jericho
fights out with chops, but Harper gets a clothesline before dropping
elbows for two. Gator Roll follows, into a headlock, but Harper
shoves him off and gets kicked and chopped. Enzuigiri gets two for
Jericho. Jericho kicks away at Harper, but Harper catches him into
the Michinoku Driver for two. Harper gets an elbow in the corner on
Jericho and puts him up top, slugging away to take the fight out of
him. HE follows, but Jericho knocks him down and vaults over Harper
before running into a big boot. Powerbomb gets two. Harper with an
uppercut, but he runs into an elbow in the corner. Jericho with his
one-handed bulldog, and he dropkicks Rowan off the apron before
sidestepping Harper and rolling him up for two. Walls of Jericho
follows, but before we can get a tapout, the Wyatt Interruptus hits
and Bray is at ringside… with Harper nowhere to be found. Jericho
demands Bray enter the ring, then gives Rowan the Codebreaker to cut
off an attack, but Harper attacks from behind. Doesn’t last long, as
Jericho gives Harper a Codebreaker before Bray attacks for the DQ at
5:14. Well, so much for Harper. *1/4
Bray adds Sister Abigail’s Kiss for good measure. What the hell was
that!?
Coming
up tonight: a contract signing!
Why
is Bray Wyatt being booked as backwards as humanly possible since
WrestleMania 30? I don’t understand. I mean, I have theories, but I
don’t understand.
AJ
Lee will be back on Main Event.
Primo
El Matador v. Fandango.

Primo = Diego, and he has El Torito, Summer Rae, and Layla with him,
because THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. So Fandango counters with
Hornswoggle as his dance partner. Fandango goes after Diego with
punches and chops, sending him into the ropes before Diego vaults
over the back and gets a dropkick. Hornswoggle is on the apron, but
Fandango runs into Hornswoggle and gets Backstabbed for the pin at 41
seconds. Layla and Summer Rae check on Hornswoggle, bringing him
into the ring for a dance party. And rivalry between the minis be
damned, it’s a full-on dance. Fandango’s unhappy and throws
Hornswoggle down, so Diego and Torito clean him out of the ring with
a whip/senton combo. This just happened.
Renee
Young is backstage with Randy Orton. But instead of reviewing
earlier tonight, we review last week. And after that, Orton
addresses earlier tonight. Sure, Kane is vicious, but Orton is more
sick and twisted. And at SummerSlam, he will strike. So Roman
Reigns better be ready, or Orton will kick his head off.
Bo
Dallas is next!
Here’s
the deal: as you know if you read these recaps regularly, I try to
accentuate the positive about each Raw. This last half hour is
totally wrecking my mojo. C’mon – how hard is it to book good
matches? Do we NEED Hornswoggle around? Really?
Bo
Dallas v. R-Truth.

Because last week, Truth inexplicably lost last week. And then beat
the tar out of R-Truth anyway. Dallas charges Truth into the corner,
but Truth escapes and gets a backdrop. Dallas returns with punches,
but runs into an elbow and ground pounding. Stinger Splash (so hard
Truth nearly leaves the ring) follows, but another charges eats
elbow. Truth with a leg lariat, but the ax kick misses and Bo gets a
cradle with the tights for the pin at 1:00 even. Truth is unhappy
with this and the victory lap, sending Dallas into every barricade
and apron he can find. Dallas shoves Truth off into the STEEL steps
and gets the Bo-Dog on the floor.
Later
tonight: CONTRACT! But first: Seth Rollins faces RVD!
I
still don’t get why Dallas lost last week. Take that away and have
him use the tights for the pin this week, and you build depth to his
character. Okay, arguably you do anyway, which is just fine. Still,
though, this show is beginning to drag HARD.
BUY
THE NETWORK! (Okay, Vince, we get it!) At least the announcers are
smiling at how shameless they’re being asked to be.
Back
to Bray Wyatt – and why? Why does a man do and say his things?
Why is Bray different? Well, at SummerSlam he will face Jericho
alone… but he’s never alone. Sister Abigail’s hand guides him.
And now Bray asks Jericho: how can you save what is dead? And what
will be left of Jericho? So what IS Bray Wyatt? He’s the nightmare
beyond time. He’s got the whole world in his hands.
So
tonight, after Monday Night Raw on the WWE Network (BUY THE NETWORK!)
we will show Extreme Rules 2012, which features the last meeting
between the two. Here’s another look at the Cena/Lesnar video
package.
It’s
time to see if Seth Rollins can win fast enough! RVD’s headed to the
ring!
Hypocrisy:
1. Inconsistency in moral and ethical standing; 2. Not practicing
what one insists others practice; 3. Rooting for a part-timer to win
the WWE Title just because it’s John Cena and not CM Punk. Yes. I
went there.
15:42
Time Limit, Beat the Clock follow-up: Rob Van Dam v. Seth Rollins.

So why is the WWE Network delayed in the UK and not in Australia?
No, wait, it’s not RVD anymore. It’s…
Beat
the Clock follow-up: Seth Rollins v. Heath Slater.

Rollins is smiling at how awesome this is. Hashtag is back as the
crowd audibly chants bullshit. Rollins offers Slater the opportunity
to leave, since leaving via countout would give Rollins the win.
Slater thinks about it, then begins to head out… but decides
against it and attacks. Rollins fires back with right hands and
kicks away in the corner. He chokes Slater in the corner with his
boot and taunts Dean Ambrose, who has shown up at ringside. Rollins
notes he’s got all day, but he airballs a Stinger Splash and Heath
with a leaping neckbreaker for two. Darn it. Rollins fights off on
Slater as Ambrose picks up the briefcase. He goes to the announce
table as Rollins gets a slam for two. Ambrose opens the briefcase
and takes the contract away, ripping it up in front of Rollins.
Rollins is furious (as Ambrose milks it hard), and Rollins runs into
a leg lariat for two. Crowd is totally buying the upset. Rollins is
back in control as Ambrose takes a drink and dumps it in the
briefcase. Rollins sees it while choking Slater in the ropes and
gets madder, so Ambrose eats some popcorn for the hell of it.
Rollins slugs away on Slater as Ambrose puts all the popcorn in the
briefcase. Then Ambrose steals JBL’s hat as Rollins gets two.
Ambrose puts JBL’s hat in the briefcase and slams it shut for no
reason. Rollins sees all this as Ambrose swings around the
briefcase… and Slater gets a cradle for the pin at 4:49! No point
in rating the match, but Dean Ambrose channeling Eddie Guerrero was
awesome. Rollins takes it out on Lawler afterwards.
Up
next, our “main event”: the contract signing!
Two
things: first, I’m not as upset as I should be about Steph/Brie main
eventing Raw two weeks in a row because I see it as The Authority v.
Daniel Bryan’s Proxy. Kinda makes it feel better. Second, to quote
the great Facebook meme: SLATERS GONNA SLATE.
Dean
Ambrose is going to say what the stipulation is on SmackDown.
Alleged
Main Event: contract signing.

But first, BUY THE NETWORK! Stephanie has HHH with her. Brie has
Nikki. We have a hashtag. So in two weeks (Buy the Network!), this
match will take place. Normally as COO, HHH would oversee the
contract signing, but with Stephanie involved, HHH will recuse
himself and let Michael Cole do it. But he won’t leave… he’s here
not as the COO but as Stephanie’s husband. They kiss… but Brie is
sick of it and wants us to get on with it. Stephanie says Brie
should understand about supportive spouses… since there’s no Daniel
Bryan around. What, he’s STILL recovering? Brie confirms that. But
has Stephanie recovered from being arrested? So, when Stephanie was
in jail, did she trade in her power suit for an orange jumpsuit, or
HHH for a cellmate? Brie says how it’s going to happen: she will
beat Stephanie and embarrass her. And not just in front of the LA
crowd, but the entire WWE Universe, too. She will send a message to
the world: Stephanie McMahon is a fraud. A failure! An
embarrassment! Oh, and this isn’t just for Brie, or Nikki, or
Daniel; it’s for Vickie Guerrero, too. For the Big Show. For the
Rhodes Family. For everyone in the roster that Stephanie tortured.
(Crowd fills in CM Punk’s name here. Kinda had that one coming.)
Brie: “He may not help, but I’ll tell you something.” Karma
comes around, and it’s about to crash onto Stephanie. Brie
emphatically signs the contract and hands it over.
Stephanie
fakes being upset. Then she says all the great families and
wrestlers and legacies would appreciate being represented by someone
like Brie. Stephanie is a fourth-gen McMahon – do you get what
that means? Brie is nothing more than a wannabe reality star who
walked away from Daniel Bryan and stole the spotlight from Nikki to
try to make a name off of Stephanie. Brie is a selfish, conceited
shell of a woman. So who’s the piece of trash now? Stephanie’s
already embarrassed being in the same ring as Brie, and at
SummerSlam, she will end any attempt to make history. Stephanie will
tear Brie’s heart out. And she signs too.
We
get the staredown… then Stephanie clocks NIKKI! HHH traps Brie in
the corner with the table, leaving Nikki alone with Stephanie, who
Pedigrees her. HHH and Stephanie do the Yes to mock Brie, who slaps
HHH hard! This gets Brie free, but Stephanie ambushes and slams her
into the table. Pedigree to Brie too. The two (HHH and Stephanie)
kiss as the crowd hates this. Go to black.
THOUGHTS:
Well,
to be honest, I enjoyed Raw tonight.
The
Blog of Doom Raw, but still.
Scott
Keith in WCW2000 said that it’s great people understand the concept
of the heel beatdown, but they have to have appropriate people
deliver it. He said it about David Flair and Vince Russo, and I say
it about Stephanie McMahon.
Of
course, there’s more to it than that. I don’t understand using
Rybaxel for the Brothers Dust when their return mandated a quick
squash. I don’t understand wasting time on Fandango, who you’ve
basically killed as ever being a threat. I don’t understand Luke
Harper against Chris Jericho going 5 minutes. And I really don’t
understand how a good first hour of wrestling turns into a train
wreck for the other two.
STATS:
MATCH
TIME: 48:26 over nine matches, not including whatever Rusev’s time
was.
BEST
MATCH: Ambrose/Del Rio
WORST
MATCH: Diego/Fandango
NIGHT
MVP: Dean Ambrose (with the WWE Network a close second)
RATING:
$9.99. Did you hear? That’s how much the Network costs!
Your
schedule is Matt Perri on Tuesday with Main Event; Tommy Hall being
tortured by Impact on Thursday as Danielle reviews Total Divas and
Scott does NXT; Tommy comes back on Friday with SmackDown; and I will
do a retro rant on Saturday. See you then, and remember: Kevin Dunn
Delenda Est!