This has nothing to do with the WWE
Tonight, BoD RAW is live in Vegas as the road to BoD SummerSlam continues!
And our main event will be a five-round boxing match between John “The Bazooka” Petuka and “Mr. GIF” Jef Vinson.
Plus, the BoD Gimmick Wheel is introduced tonight as some of the lesser known workers in the BoD get a shot at a new and potentially racist gimmick!
Also, two of the most vicious psychopaths in the BoD, Archie Stackhouse and CoolTrainerBret, will be in action
Plus, the BoD Writer’s Division will be in six-man tag action as Stranger in the Alps & Andy PG & Logan Scisco take on the team of Tommy Hall & Zanatude & “Marvelous” Matt Perri
Plus, the “Best of 5” Series between DBSM and Night81 continues tonight with match #3 as the series is tied at 1 apiece.
And, 2 other matches for BoD SummerSlam have been announced with Mar Solo taking on Aric Johnson in a “Tim Horton’s Throwdown” match and the long-running feud between PrimeTime Ten and Beard Money will continue in a “Hog Pen” match.
Buck Nasty will be our host from the Chang O’Reilly’s Nevada Chapter at the Palms and we will be checking in with him all night long.
Plus, appearances from all of your favorite BoD stars and see what went on this weekend at BoD Casino Night. and, did the Midcard Mafia crash the party?
All that and your favorite BoD’ers getting’ funky, hungry, and hammered tonight on……………
Buck Nasty welcomes us from the Cellular Twat, Nevada chapter. He calls himself the “pussy-poppin, elbow-droppin’, son of a gun.” He is at a table with seven Asian chicks and a white girl as he shows us footage from “BoD Casino Night.”
C-Lister’s SpicoliDriver, Juvydriver, and MattCalamia are pooling together their limited funds until Parallax runs over and takes out all three men. He then curbstomps everyone and takes their money but stops and throws it off of their heads
Meanwhile, Tommy Hall is being ordered away by security as he attempted to place a bet with his illegitimate e-book money. As they escort him out, Hall yells “get your fucking hands off of my Listach,” which of course is referencing his Pat Listach Milwaukee Brewers ROY throwback.
A receipt is shown that totals $8,444.33. A voice says to charge it to my room as the card reads “Brian Bayless.” The camera looks up as
Magoonie Teddy Belmont hands the waitress the bill as the Midcard Mafia have somehow used the GM’s card to have themselves a wild party.
Tommy Hall & Zanatude & “Marvelous” Matt Perri w/ Miss Danielle vs. Stranger in the Alps & Andy PG & Logan Scisco
Dock Muraco was supposed to be in this match but he couldn’t be bothered to show up as the G1 tournament is taking place so we get “Marvelous” Matt Perri to take his place. Zanatude gets worked over by all three guys until he sneaks away and tags Hall, who rakes the eyes of Logan. He hammers on him and tags Perri as he works over Logan as the crowd rallies behind him. Tommy tags but misses an Avalanche and hot tag to Andy! He dropkicks everyone then hits Tommy with a back elbow smash. The match breaks down as Miss Danielle trips us Andy then Perri hits him with a flying elbow smash. Hall then drags Andy to the corner and finishes him off with the Vader Bomb. Tommy then pulls out some e-book money but Stranger and Logan chase him away.
Here is a video of Aric Johnson training for his match by berating workers at his local Tim Horton’s:
(Aric storms behind the counter and immediately swats down a stack of cups. He then inspects the coffee and takes a sip, spitting it out on the ground)
Aric: WHO MADE THIS SHIT!!!!!!!! (Aric looks at a pimply-faced kid quivering) HOW MANY TABLESPOONS PER SIX OUNCES OF WATER DID YOU USE!!!!!!!!
Kid: uhhhhhhh, one
Aric: YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!! ITS TWO TABLESPOONS! WHAT KIND OF WATERY SWILL IS THIS BULLSHIT?
Kid: (petrified) I don’t know
Aric: AND WHAT TEMPERATURE IS THIS POOR EXCUSE OF COFFEE!!!! YOU SCALDED IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kid: (Crying) I don’t know
Aric: (Addressing all employees) I’m surprised you are all not wearing an Alouettes jerseys……………BECAUSE THIS ESTABLISHMENT IS IN LAST PLACE!!!!!!!!!
(Aric walks out of the store but stops ad turns around)
Aric: And another thing…………….GET RID OF THOSE FROZEN PASTRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Off the strip, Mar Solo is doing poetry at a coffee house that ironically ran out of coffee. Here is what he had to say:
Coffee in my cup
Cup is empty
Empty is the world
A world without coffee
Hope is lost
Lost is my cup of coffee
Not in my hand
Hand with an empty cup
I need coffee
Coffee in my cup
Best of 5 Series Match III
David Bonzai Saldana Montgomery v Night81
The series for #1 contendership to MikeyMike’s C-List Championship continues, as neither man is over but both are working hard to pursue that brass ring, which will probably be made of tin instead, but dare to dream lower carders! Dare to dream. The two rivals start off with a hot chain wrestling sequence, which ends decisively with Night slipping out of a suplex and sending DBSM tumbling out to the floor with a No Mercy headscissors takedown. Night raises his arms! He has won a psychological advantage with this early chain wrestling sequence that will surely factor in later in the match! Night seizes on this early victory to go right on the offensive. Running Bulldog! Twisting Face Crusher! 1….2….NO! Cactus Piledriver! 1….2….NO! Blue Thunder Bomb! 1….2….NO! Night goes to pick up DBSM and place him up top for the Night Rider(Reverse Frankensteiner), but DBSM slips out of it and pushes Night Bret Hart-like into the turnbuckles. DBSM then goes for his own offensive! Rib and Back Breaker! Bridging German! 1….2….NO! Gordbuster! 1….2….NO! Kamisori Suplex! 1….2….NO! DBSM tries a Clinching Slam, but Night counters into an armbar! He wrenches, but DBSM makes the ropes! Night goes after the arm with strikes, trying to find a weakness, but DBSM counters a kick into a Dragon Screw into an amateur wrestling pin! 1….2….NO! DBSM beats down Night and prepares a powerbomb lift, but Night gets out of it, rocks DBSM with a knee, and then gets the Blackout(STO into Head and Arm Choke)! DBSM is fading….fading and…..passes out! Night gets the victory to take a 2-1 lead!
Post match, we see Mikey Mike and Biscuit looking at the tapes with interest. C-LIST STORYLINES, BABEE!
We are backstage as the first person who gets to spin the Gimmick Wheel tonight is………………………Harry Broadhurst. Once again, lets look at his choices:
BoD NXT Name Generator
Racial Stereotype with “Lil'” added to the name
Mack the Evil Trucker
BoD NXT Name Generator
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist
And here is the spin…………………………………………………………………………………and it lands on……………………GM’S CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GM Bayless looks over Harry then tells Mr. Broadhurst that everyone knows how you are well-versed in pop culture and all of the current trends. Going forward, you will be known as…………………….”Happening” Harry Broadhurst. Harry looks around and starts to gain some confidence. He is smiling! And he says that he is going down to Vineyard Vines as we speak and he leaves!!!!!!
Final Destination Match
Bill Ray v Cooltrainer Bret
The rules for this match are simple. No countouts, DQs, rope breaks, pinfalls, submissions, ten counts, time limits, ref stoppage only, Final Destination. Ray starts off with a salvo, hitting the masked man hard to elicit a ref stoppage. Bret knows this game, however, and goes to work with Muay Thai strikes, targetting ribs and legs for maximum stopping power. Bret then shifts his offense into higher gear to get the stoppage. Spinning Hook Kick! Vertical Reverse DDT! Exploder! Bill stands, and continues taking the fight to Bret. Ray goes for a big Backdrop Driver, but Bret deadweights him and potatoes him badly with several elbows, opening up a huge gash. Ref checks on Bill, but before he finishes Bret blindsides Bill with a running knee and shifts into MMA-esque GnP, bordering on illegal! 12-6 Elbows! Pankration Knees! Soccer Kick! Ref checks the bloody mess that is Bill’s face, but Bill continues! HEART! DETERMINATION! Ray hits a couple big hooks, then a neat Sambo Suplex, trying to get his momentum going. Bill then tries for the Ray Gun(Modified Zig Zag), but Bret holds onto the ropes and pushes back to send Ray to the outside. Ray feigns recovery, then when Bret follows him out, Bill attempts a TV cable garotte! It could work…but Bret hits a huge kick to the knee to break that up. Bill staggers and finds the ring bell, while Bret gets a chair! Weapons duel! Bret eventually parries a Bill bell shot, steps on his fingers, then brings his chair down with force on the back of Bill’s head! Second chairshot! Bill still tries to gut it out, slowly getting to his fe-BURNING LARIAT! SECOND BURNING LARIAT! BILL RAY HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED! Ref stops the fight and awards Bret the victory!
Lets look at some happenings from yesterday’s “BoD Casino Night.”
At the Roulette Table, Curtzerker is attempting to place a bet. theberzerker keeps on yelling “HUSS” as the table man asks him to place his bet. Curtis Williams yells at the table man and grabs him by the neck as theberezerker screams “HUSS”in the poor guy’s face. The camera then shows the wheel spin and the ball land on the number…………..HUSS? The camera fades out as we see that every number on the wheel has been changed to read “HUSS.”
Meanwhile, Top #5’er Jobber123 comes down and tells the concierge to score him a bag of coke as he has the cast of the “Vampire Diaries” in his Real World Suite and came here to party. Jobber then goes back to his room.
At the bar, White Thunder is begging Hart Killer 09 to buy him a drink. Hart Killer tells the bartender to step aside so he can witness the greatest Long Island Iced Tea he will ever see. Paul Meekin attempts the Van Dam split on two barstools but falls over before he can get up. Adam Curry is drinking at the bar and tries to help up Meekin but is shoved away. Curry then kicks Meekin as White Thunder puts down his drink and hammers away on Curry. Kyle Warne runs in and evens things off but Curtzerker has now joined in on the brawl and here comes the New Age British Bulldogs as we have a barroom brawl in Vegas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kbjone walks in as a beer bottle goes flying and whacks him on the back of the head. Laughing Sting propels from the ceiling and yells……OUCH!!!!
Next to spin the gimmick wheel is…………………………………………………………….James! Folks, James claims to be held down by the man but tonight, gets a chance to display a whole new gimmick to the BoD. And here is the spin………………………………………………………………and it lands on……………………………RACIAL STEREOTYPE WITH “LIL'” ADDED TO THE MAIN. James is in disbelief. GM Bayless says that his new name is……………..Lil’ James!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He asks James if he knows how to do a jig. He said hell no so GM Bayless brings out Dancin’ Devin Harris as it is TIME TO GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA, SHOW THE NEW RACIAL STEREOTYPE HOW TO GIT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! James mutters to himself “motherfucker” as he reluctantly does the cabbage patch.
Archie Stackhouse v Gideon Stargrave w/ ilovecmpunk
Something tells me, despite the debut of Stargrave’s valet, that this will be a squash. Stargrave certainly doesn’t think so, coming out swinging with windmill punches. Archie laughs as he sidesteps the pathetic attack, popping Stargrave at will with some teeth-rattling forearms. Stargrave tries for Solitary Confinement(Inescapable Wheelbarrow Rollup), but Stackhouse escapes easily! WHO WOULD’VE GUESSED. Stackhouse hits a big backfist and a soccer kick, as it looks like the UnStable isn’t in Stackhouse’s head. ilovecmpunk tries to rally the crowd behind her by telling everyone shes really Caliber Winfield and all of them fell for it, but the crowd just pelts her with feces-soaked cups and beer bottles. Stackhouse spits on ilovecmpunk for suggesting that she’s his mentor, then pounds Stargrave into bloody pudding. Switchblade Kiss(Running Enizuigiri)! NECK CRANK! Burning Hammer! 1….2…..3! Stackhouse gets the W!
Post-match, a bunch of White Coat Security and local internet spam account enhancement talents appear to prevent the inevitable violence from Cooltrainer Bret coming out to have a frank exchange of ideas with Stackhouse. Bret points his fork at Stackhouse. Stackhouse gives Stargrave another Neck Crank, just because. Bret is unintimidated. WILL THIS BLOOD FEUD BE SETTLED AT SUMMERFEST? TUNE INTO BOD RAW TO FIND OUT!
We are back at Chang O’Reilly’s as Buck Nasty is about to introduce us footage of Wade Michael Meltzer landing in New Zealand in an effort to seek out YJ2310 at the famed Garea Dungeon. All of a sudden, Hoss comes out and clotheslines the DJ as skanky ho’s evacuate the premises. He then yells at Buck Nasty and tells him that he hates fun and has ordered a match against him for BoD SummerFest. Hoss yells how he put Abeyance & thebraziliankid out of commission and will do the same to him before laughing. He leaves but first hits up the buffet for some pulled pork and cornbread but ends up dumping out everything else on the floor and stomps it into the carpet because they did not have ice cream.
And the last shot as the gimmick wheel goes to…………………THE YETAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!! But wait! There is another name stuck to his card and it is AAAARGH THE BARBARRIAN!!!!! The wheel spins and it lands on………………………………RIPSHIT!!!!!! GM Bayless gets on the mic and declares the duo as a new team called…………..THE RIPSHIT KILLERS
And now, footage of Wade Michael Meltzer in New Zealand. He holds a map and approaches a sheep farm. He asks for directions
Wade: Do you know where I can find the Garea Dungeon?
Farmer: I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about!
Wade: I am looking for Tony Garea?
Farmer: (Takes off his hat and looks apologetic) I am sorry for my tone. Garea is the best man in all of New Zealand. I took a picture of him with my horse and it was the greatest thing I ever saw with an animal
Wade: Probably better than George Steele vs. Andre the Giant circa 1988 (followed by a smarmy laugh)
Farmer: What the fuck are you talking about?
Wade: I need to find Haka Dance Boulevard
Farmer: (Gets horse) Take this horse. The day he saw the great Mr. Garea, he wanted to follow him back home. He will take you there
Wade: But I never rode a horse. I did watch four Okada matches in the airport alone though.
Farmer: Get on the fucking horse!
(Wade gets on the horse and the farmer spanks it but Wade falls and is dragged as his foot is caught in a stirrup, all the way to Haka Dance Blvd)
Backstage, we see that kbjone is minorly concussed and can’t be in the corner of Petuka. Petuka promises to win the boxing match in tribute. Suddenly, cultstatus enters the lockerroom and says he’ll help Petuka by being in his corner for the fight. Hes got a couple special surprises for Vinson. Petuka agrees, and the two high-five. SHENANIGANS~!
5 Round Boxing Match
Jef Vinson v John Petuka
This boxing match is a battle for pride, which is just as effective as twenty goddamn meaningless title belts. Vinson enters with a flashy gold robe, featuring a picture of him dual-wielding bottles of Cognac and Alize with a girl around each arm on the back. Petuka enters with a small towel around his neck and a scheming Cultstatus next to him. This could get interesting.
Tale of the Tape gives Vinson the reach and height advantage, but Petuka has more weight. No, I’m not specifying, I don’t want to insult either guy by implying incorrect amounts of girth. You think I want to eat a Petuka Bazooka or get cinched in the One Night Stand? Vinson is in Gold/Black trunks, Petuka in White with Blue stripes.
Neither man touches gloves, because this is a feud, not a respectful demonstration of the sweet science. Vinson has one arm lowered and his power hand cocked. Petuka has a high guard but a low stance. Vinson starts with whip-like Flicker Jabs, finding gaps inside the guard of Petuka with ease. Petuka tries bringing it into an in-fight, but continues eating a ton of jabs followed by thief-like footwork every time he steps in. Petuka slowly works at the outboxer’s circle, widening and disrupting the shape, before finally he forces Vinson into the corner! Nowhere to run! Petuka throws some short, axe-like hooks, but Petuka picks out one punch in the combination and counters it with a short left uppercut, followed by a heavy right straight that forces Petuka back. Vinson then heads into a high-speed in-fight, throwing precise punches through the gaps in Petuka’s guard before backing out of range before Petuka can throw. Vinson then maintains the circle, working the jab and clinching whenever the situation calls for it. Petuka corners Vinson again as the round ends, and Vinson lands another short left uppercut as time expires. I’d say thats a 10-9 for Vinson.
Vinson’s corner advises him to stick the the plan and to keep maintaining the speed. Cultstatus gives Petuka the same advice BJ Penn’s corner gave against Frankie Edgar “Fuck his speed!”. This doesn’t look good for Petuka…..
More of the same, as Vinson ups the tempo and throws some fast combinations to start the round, backing off whenever Petuka fires a power shot. Vinson’s circling and feints are just leaving Petuka in the dust, but, slowly and surely, Petuka manages to disrupt the circle, and forces Vinson against the ropes! A fast left hook disrupts any ambitions of a KO, though, as Vinson swats him with it, circles out, and throws another devestating flurry. Vinson circles and jabs, and now Petuka has swelling over his left eye. Petuka charges in and catches Vinson with a couple solid body blows, but Vinson grits his teeth and simply overwhelms Petuka with numbers in a vicious exchange, before another short left uppercut rocks Petuka backwards. Petuka ain’t going down, though, as he rushes and manages to catch Vinson with a couple more hard body shots as the round ends. Thats gotta be 10-9 Vinson.
Vinson’s corner advises him to really get Petuka’s timing down, then sink him. Uh oh. Cultstatus continues telling Petuka “Fuck his speed!”. Goddamn Cult, whos side are you on?
Vinson appears to be a lot less aggressive this round, and hes keeping his guard up and letting Petuka attack. Petuka throws a heavy one-two, but its blocked and Vinson returns fire with the jab, measuring the distance for something. Petuka and Vinson exchange, with Petuka swinging increasingly wider, sensing a chance. A wide hook is met with a left counter from Vinson, but he didn’t really follow through on it. Vinson is clearly planning something this round, as hes inviting attacks and getting Petuka’s timing down for what could be a vicious counterpunch. Vinson lands more, but the power shots are clearly falling Petuka’s way, as hes throwing some hard haymakers that Vinson barely suppresses with his reflexes. The round ends just as Vinson escapes the corner. I’d say thats a 10-10 round.
Vinson’s corner tells him to end it now that hes gotten the timing down. Cult’s advice won’t even be dignified with a full sentence here. Oh wait, it was. But still, fuck his speed.
Theres a difference to this round. Vinson is taunting Petuka to attack, but Petuka’s gotta know whats up. After a lot of nothing, the ref threatens warnings if no boxing occurs, so Vinson obliges by throwing whip-like jabs and screaming at Petuka to throw up the dukes and fight. Petuka finally rushes, clinching Vinson in the corner and working the body. As they separate, Petuka tries a one-two, but the two gets countered with an overhand right followed by a left hook to the temple and Petuka goes down teakettle over ass over second teakettle! 1…..2…..3…..4…..5…..6…..7…..8…..9..Petuka somehow gets to his feet! Thats some true grit there. Petuka is still wobble-legged, as Vinson goes in for the kill. Petuka appears to be so disoriented hes actually in a southpaw stance. Vinson throws combos looking for the stoppage, but somehow Petuka weathers the storm and tries the one-two again, stepping on Vinson’s foot! Vinson can’t sway back far enough to dodge the two, and takes it while his foot is stepped on by Petuka! Vinson staggers back, but the ref saves him by noticing the foul and formally warning Petuka. Petuka proceeds to do it yet again, and now Vinson is favoring his left leg, as he might’ve tweaked his knee! Ref deducts a point and says he will DQ Petuka if he does it again. Petuka claims its an accident. Vinson can’t use his footwork, so hes forced to use his range in a desparate attempt to back off Petuka as the round ends. 10-7 Vinson there after the foul and knockdown.
Vinson’s corner ices his knee. Vinson claims hes fine, and his valet says he will reward him with an elevensome tonight if he wins. Cultstauts dramatically puts on a pair of sunglasses while exclaiming “Looks like Vinson’s speed…..just got fucked….”. So the advice was relevant! Cultstatus screams a giant YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, but is cut off by Howard Lederman complaining about fight strategy and proclaiming his scorecard to be the only accurate one in the world.
Vinson comes out limping. Ref asks if he wants to quit, and Vinson says he’ll keep fighting, because his surname is not Duran. Meanwhile, it appears Petuka’s handwrap came loose, so the ref stops the fight so Cult can rewrap it and…..did Cultstatus just put something in his glove? Fight resumes, and Petuka springs immediately in for the kill, hitting Vinson with a series of wild punches! That right is heavy, as it blows away Vinson’s guard! Petuka fires repeated blows to the jaw with almost decapitory force, and gets an early down after a huge right hook! Check that glove for rocks! No, seriously, please do because Cultstatus put something in the handwrap! 1…..2…..3…..4…..5…..6…..7..Vinson’s up! Vinson is still on shaky legs, as Petuka rushes forward for the win. Vinson backs himoff with desperations jabs, then clinches to buy some time! Petuka pushes him off and lands a heavy series of hooks, but Vinson blocks them all! Vinson is doing everything he can to get through this round in one piece! Finally, Petuka loads up a Razor Ruddock smash that completely destroys Vinson’s guard, and then a second one that almost shatters his jaw and sends Vinson flying down to the canvas for down #2! 1…..2…..3…..4…..5…..6…Vinson somehow guts it out and gets back to his feet! Only the motivation from his valet and his pride as a Top 5er can keep him going now! Vinson desperately fires with the jab, but Petuka sees clearly now, and evades them all……but Vinson rocks Petuka backwards with a short left uppercut! Petuka is wobble-legged, but gets his bearings back and goes forth once more with a heavy combination, but can’t get the third down in time s the round ends! 10-7 easy for Petuka there due to the 2 knockdowns. We’ll now go to the judges for decision!
Judge Slo Mo Jones scores it 47 to 45 Vinson
Judge Kain Persons scores it 50 to 0 Petuka, thus proving he didn’t actually watch the fight.
Judge Prince of Nigeria scores it “Earn a $50 million inheritance by EMailing us your credit card details” to “I wasn’t paying attention”……..for your winner, by split decision…..JOHN PETUKA?
Vinson’s corner scream bullshit as loud as they possibly can as Petuka gets his hand raised! Beer bottles pelt the ring as the crowd chants “We want wrestling”! Vinson’s corner decides to start a post-match punchout with Cultstatus and Petuka’s corner as Dancin Devin Harris, a heavily bandaged kbjone, the other three Top 5ers, and Danimal Crossing for some reason flood out to break the fight up! This will certainly get appealed to the Nevada State Athletic Commission, as cultstatus is seen handing gold ingots to the Prince of Nigeria and the referee! Of course, it won’t work, but the thought was nice